No help from my family. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

No help from my family. What do I do?

Follow
Share

My mother has had Alzheimer's and has been living with me for about 2 years. I have one sister and one niece that live in PA and refuse to even give me a break to go on vacation. They say if I even think that my mom is going to come there they will put her in a home. Mom is now were near needing a home. I love my mother very much and have no issues with having her live with me however it has doubled my expenses, would it be rude for me tell my sister that I need mom to pay the utilities every other month? everything has doubled as far as electric, gas, etc. I have been doing this for 2 years now, I pay for everything grocery's, utilities, and never ask for anything but I'm so tired of my sister acting like Mom's money is hers. If they were taking care of mom half the time I would not even ask but they want to sit back and have me do it all and its getting very hard financially. Mom has plenty of money and of course the caregivers salary is paid by her trust account but I get quizzed on her credit card bill all that is on there is her hair appt. and cigarettes but every month my sister will send me the bill and have me account for everything. I know I will take care of mom for the rest of her life and I'm happy that it will be that way, My sister just does not care and I think this is best but it is causing a financial issue to the point that I can't really do anything except sit at home. My sister even went as far as telling me that I needed to pay for part of my mom's caregiver because she would be helping clean the house.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
57

Answers

Show:
Why does your sister even have a say about this? Why is she seeing the credit card bill? Your mother lives with YOU! If your sister has POA, the first thing I would do is get Mom to change her POA so you are the only one, and drop Sis completely out of the loop. She's not contributing either money or effort- she shouldn't have a say in how Mom's money is spent or how the caregivers are paid.

If your Mom has plenty of money, use some of it for respite care while you take a much-deserved vacation. Your sister doesn't need to know about any of it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Here is a reality check for your sister: your mom should be paying rent, which may or may not include utilities, your call. You should be getting respite so that you can go on vacation. Who has POA? You need to get mom to an eldercare attorney and draw up a rental agreement and caregiving contract that is Medicaid compliant .
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I can't even TYPE what I want to say. Your sister is unFREAKIN'believable.

Here's what I would do' in letter or email: "Dear Elaine: wanted to give you plenty of notice. Effective July 1st, I will need mom to pay for half of the utilities every month. They run about X for electric, phone, water, garbage, telephone, etc. Her share will run about $X monthly. Over the past two years mom has lived with me, our food has run an average of $X I expect mom to pay her share -- which will run about $X a month. I'll send you copies of all receipts. I expect 100% of mom's caregiving to be paid by the trust with no contribution from me at all for these costs. I am sooo tired. I love mom to bits and pieces, but your failure to show adequate appreciation is beyond the pale. Sooooo, If this isn't acceptable, then please begin making other permanent arrangements for mom. I think she'd be far better off with a higher level of care, frankly. A nursing home will help her be all she can be. I know you'll find a good one. Let's discuss this in writing, should you so desire. I think it'll be easier to do it that way. I've copied this letter to our local Council on Aging. In case you need any assistance and want to know where to start,call them. They've always been helpful. Love, Your worn out sister, sue."

I WOULD talk to your local Council on Aging and would get a name to forward your letter to.

This is what I call the Nuclear option. Your sister is a miserable stingey control freak. When she should be sending you a gift certificate from mom for a mani-pedi, a bouquet of roses on your birthday from mom and a separate generous gift from HER, and really so much more, she is hoarding mom's money. And making sure you account for every dime. WOW!

If you do nothing, you are allowing her emotional blackmail to continue. And make no mistake. That's exactly what it is.

Something else . . . You might go see an elder law attorney and ask him what to do or tell him about this letter suggestion and see what he has to say.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I have felt so guilty for even asking this to you guys, thank you so very much what a great support group
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Get to that elder care attorney ASAP.....Document everything and find copies of your utilities and cancelled grocery checks from 3 years ago. This is SOO typical of the criticism of absent children as they swoop down to find fault with the caregiver who is doing all the heavy lifting.

It is a small price to pay of your own $ to get this elder attorney to draft a letter like Maggie mentioned. I asked for relief from a sibling for 2 years of "Christmas vacations"....even had reservations at a resort in Santa Fe....but always had to cancel, because it never worked out!!!! Take care of your own family's future.

We all forget that we need to save $$ for our own retirement, too!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

ALL elders should have the dignity of paying their own way, to the extent that is possible.

Consult and Elder Law attorney. I think Mom should make you POA and give you authority to spend her money on her behalf. Proving everything to your sister is horse puckies. But see a lawyer and get this set up legally and appropriately should Mom ever need to apply for Medicaid. (Let's hope she doesn't, but it is better to be prepared.)

I think I'd let the lawyer explain the new facts of life in a letter to your sister.

Two years is about 23 months too long for this to be going on. Do it quickly.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Well, good for you!!! Who cares what she calls you, anyway? You're going to need to toughen up and stop being the doormat if you're going to stop the disrespect from draining you physically and emotionally. This sounds like a good place to start. Next time she starts yelling just walk away. You're not there to take her abuse.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Aveeno, one thing we all need to realize is that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver.... some of us are good at being hands-on... some of us are good at logistics/financials.

Have you put together a contract saying how much utilities cost, groceries, gasoline, misc items that your Mom uses? Sometimes people need to see this in print to realize there is a cost involved with caring for a love one under one's roof. Compare the cost of Mom living with you compared to her living in a senior apartment at independent living.

Not all elders will volunteer to pay for room and board... it all depends on who took care of the finances when Mom and Dad were married. Some never learned to write a check thus have no knowledge how much it cost to run a household and aren't familiar that one has to pay for water and electricity.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Aveeno - I'm sorry your sister reacted badly to your news but that doesn't mean it didn't work, not unless your sister is the one controlling Mom's money. If that's the case, that has to change, and Mom is the one who has to change it. It's typical of the uninvolved siblings to try to lay blame this way - it has nothing to do with reality buy only reinforces what you know about her priorities. Stay strong and don't be cowed by her anger. Of course she's hoping that if she shows her disapproval loudly and scathingly, you will back down and kowtow to her. Don't do it!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

When it gets this troublesome... Contact a lawyer. It doesn't hurt to find out your rights in this situation. I understand with some lawyers the first visit is free. Then it will be clear on how you need to proceed. Good luck
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions