No help!

Wow!! Your life sounds so much like my own. My mother who is 94 makes me feel so guilty every time I suggest placing her in a facility. I know how you feel but don't know your circumstances. From the posts here which is a great place to vent and ask questions, I find that it takes money a lot of money to resolve an elderly's care solutions. I have a caregiver backup I hired from Catholic Charities for 8.00 an hour. She does not do much but make sure my mother doesn't fall. Better than nothing. This journey is rough so get out of the house as much as you can. Is finding and placing her somewhere an option for you? Good luck!

Have you asked about getting paid as a “Family Caregiver” for your Mom? Sometimes Medicaid will pay for a family caregiver through a waiver program.

It is hard to let strangers into your home to take care of a loved one, but you might need to do that. As  “Geaton777” stated “if you want a break from her yet you don't want strangers in your home, you can't have it both ways so make up your mind.”

Website:  https://vda.virginia.gov/
The Virginia Division for the Aging is now called The Office for Aging Services of the Division for Community Living, .

Virginia families who care for a loved one with disabilities or chronic conditions can now apply for up to $400 reimbursement to get help taking a break from those duties, under a "limited respite care voucher program" from DARS.

Website:   https://vda.virginia.gov/vlrv.htm
The Virginia Lifespan Respite Voucher Program (VLRVP) provides reimbursement vouchers to Virginia caregivers who resides full-time, in the same household as the person receiving care, for the cost of temporary, short-term respite care provided to individuals, of any age, with a documented disability or special need.

Website:  https://vda.virginia.gov/vcc.htm
Virginia Caregiver Coalition (Our members include family caregivers, disability and aging community agency staff, state agency employees, and university and independent researchers.)

Website: https://www.vda.virginia.gov/familycaregiversupport.htm
National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP)provides a multifaceted support system that helps families sustain their efforts to care for an older individual or child or a relative with severe disabilities.

I realize that none of these websites help to get your Mom into a long term care facility, but at least, they offer you some respite from taking care of your Mom.  As long as you refuse to let strangers into your home and insist on being the only person taking care of your Mom, you are going to feel frustrated, upset, angry and burnt out.  It sounds like your Mom is going to be living with you for some time to come, so please use the resources available to you.  Allow strangers to take care of your Mom before you take your frustration and anger out on your Mom and physically hurt your Mom.
{{{HUGS}}}

Not sure about the commenters recommending the ER trick. My jerk of a stepfather-in-law had a fall in the home that he refused to leave (while my MIL, his wife, was in another rehab facility for HER fall). Because he had Parkinsons and couldn't get up so he called 911 and of course they took him to the ER to get "checked out" even though nothing was wrong with him. Since he didn't drive, he had the ER call me and my husband to get him. I told them NOPE cuz we were working at our business 20 miles away (and he was calling us constantly, and he had no money bcuz he didn't work and wasted what he did have). The ER staff were flabbergasted and kept calling me at work. Eventually the sheriff called me and said he was going to drop him off at his house. I said to not do that as he had Parkinsons and could hardly get up any stairs (and he was 6'4" so not easy to "aid"). Long story short they did drop him off in the dark! So we went over & made sure he got into the house. He wasn't living in our house BUT you can't deny someone to come back into the house that they live in, and the police will tell you that.

I realize there are waiting lists for Medicaid rooms so I feel for your situation with burnout. But if you want a break from her yet you don't want strangers in your home, you can't have it both ways so make up your mind. Call social services and see what help they may be able to give you. Do you belong to a church, or place of worship? Call churches to see if any of them can help you, either financially (even for 1 month) or with some in-home help. Try to make tiny baby steps of progress every day, by calling and getting info. Hang in there!

Yes. ER. Lie if you must. Chest pains with shortness of breath, pale, sweaty is the heart attack run. They would have to check out. Then you simply must leave her there and tell them to contact their social worker; that you are ILL and cannot take her home. Do not capitulate to their pleas of "we can make this work" and "we will get you help". They can't and they won't. They will find placement, which is what happens when there IS no family. You must now make them find the placement. You are right that without money you will not find placement, but a social worker will. Tell them if they bring her to your home you will not let them in, that you are ill to the point of being suicidal. I don't care WHAT you say, but make it GOOD and don't back down. Drastic times call for drastic measure. So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone in this country. So sorry.

I responded in another thread, but take out the nuclear option in necessary. SueC already beat me to it here. ER is the way to go, call 911 when you can justify it. She may be delusional, a danger to herself or others, a flight risk, etc. Have the ambulance transport her, you must stress to them you are unable to safely take care o her and cannot take her home. The hospital will find a bed within days for her long term.

You didn’t hear this from me but....take her to the Emergency Room for “some” complaint (you can find one). Then tell them that you CAN NOT bring her back to your home. Make up something, your husband has Alzheimer’s, you have sky-high blood pressure and have been told by your doctor that you are spreading yourself too thin and can no longer care for your mother in your home, your youngest child is handicapped and you can no longer care for her AND your mother at the same time, tell them you’ve got a psychiatric condition and you don’t feel safe with her in the house, etc..
What you are doing is forcing their hand to place her (even temporarily). The hospital Social Worker will get involved. She will be the one to find housing for her. What ever you do DON’T take her back with you!!!!!! Refuse to take her, even for a day. Once she is back with you, she’ll be YOUR responsibility again.

It’s so sad to have to do it this way but I’m afraid that there aren’t many other options.
Good luck.

Try Medicaid. They have homecare. See if Mom qualifies. You maybe able to get "some" help. Maybe enough to get out of the house ffor a while. Services are based on her income. Ask about Daycare. I know, she probably won't go.

There r senior apts that rent is based on income. I think they take a third. I guess you tried Office Of Aging to see about transportation.

Its true. If there is no money, u can't do much. Not sure if she hits the criteria for LTC with Medicaid paying for her care.

So sorry. It can't be easy.