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My mom, almost 92, German-born fraulein grew up during WWII. Still does a lot of things herself though completely walker dependant now. Extremely frail with a bum leg due to PAD and ulcers. Many falls, but many recoveries. Needs 24 hr supervision, two family members and 4 caregivers, plus VN for leg. The CNA says now that she is in bed more, she will progress quicker. If she gets to the stage where she can no longer feed herself, how long could this last? :-P

At face value, your answer is valuable, though there are situations where people need facts and not rote coping skills. Why worry? I'm in a terrible situation with a brother who lives with my mother, and has been an aggressive, threatening, lazy bully. Our house is in an irrevocable trust, can't be sold until she passes. We had a falling out with the attorney when my brother moved back home years ago when he confronted the attorney's wife at their home. I have full POA, but I haven't had much power next to my brother and headstrong mother. At least she's declined in the past 6 months so that my POA can't be whittled away, as my brother had threatened to get her to do for the past 2 years.

Largely to keep him happy we have four caregivers now. Her going to a facility means my brother will live in her house, on her savings for the next two years until $ runs out. Will he really use her debit care if she's in a facility too? And if $ runs out she goes on Medicare, who pays for the house expenses and maintenance, me and my husband? Brother hasn't had an income in 15 years, and isn't that interested in maintaining land and property.

You'd think she could live with me and my husband, but that's impossible too. We live an hour away in a small, one-bedroom apt in a four-unit house that he owns. We really don't want to displace our tenants, mostly single mothers with teenage kids. Plus mom doesn't want to live with me, or rent an apartment with me as has been suggested. Now that mom is declining more, maybe I could evict my brother...but that would be a huge deal, possibly even dangerous I guess.

So today I googled "how to break and irrevocable trust". Maybe I could lawyer up and get my mom and lawyer trustee and all parties to agree the trust has long outlived its purpose, we just want to sell the house and move on. Clearly the estrangement between said lawyer and family (though not me), benefits him and maintains a situation that is very wrong, like living in a bad fairytale. In the meantime, comments like "can live on milk for years" fill me with dread.

What is the deal with caregivers and food anyways, I can see how that can be difficult? I prepare my mom food and my brother eats it. Now one of the caregivers eats our food when she works. Lasagna took me what 3-4 hours to make. Never again. I mean I love to share, but... Situation is just so unbelievable. But maybe I shouldn't worry, shouldn't bother to figure things out. Ha.
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Pjdela May 24, 2025
If you have POA how does your brother have access to your mother's savings and debit card? Your mother's money should be used for her.
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"quit worrying about what could or could not happen." Really rubbed me the wrong way.
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funkygrandma59 May 21, 2025
Jax123, as you already know worrying is a waste of time and doesn't change a darn thing. And more often than not what we worry about never comes to fruition.
So that was my point as life is too short and too precious to waste our time worrying about things that may or may not ever happen. Instead we should just enjoy whatever time we may have left with our loved ones, and try to make their lives the best they can be under whatever circumstances they're in.
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My mum lived on supplement drinks for a few years, with the occasional bites of food.
When she stopped "eating" and drinking completely, while she was on palliative care, she lived for another 4 weeks.

Your mum's situation could be completely different because everyone is different.
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That is impossible to know.
Her MD would have the best "guess" as he knows her best.
Much depends on how quickly she gets something that "takes her", and by how much "treatment" is done for that something. Bedrest makes one prone to bed sores, infections in bladder and lungs. Antibiotics stave off the worst of these often enough. An elder in bed needs VERY LITTLE nutrition to survive a long time.

Again, this is impossible to guess at.
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Could Last Months if she can no Longer feed herself . People do sip through straws to get fluids Like Ensure , smoothies , etc. If she has dementia Like My Mom did they Lose their sense of smell and taste so food Is No Longer appealing or they cant swallow . What ever you do - do Not Insert a feeding tube . People can Last a longtime on Milk and water . Years .
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Jax123 May 21, 2025
Interesting. Good answers here anyways. Thanks.
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I wasn't asking for personal subjective opinions on what I should or shouldn't do. Just facts.
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Pjdela May 20, 2025
Then you should ask her doctor as he would be the best one to answer, and even then there is no certainty. Death comes on it's own time.
The people on this site are not doctors, just people trying to be helpful.
I have found them to be so, with all their collective experience, taking their own free time to try to relate to and help others who have care or responsibility of elders.
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Already been done.
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Well when the time comes where your mom can no longer feed herself, then someone will just have to feed her if she's hungry and wanting food.
And if she becomes bedridden, while she'll require a bit more care, at least you won't have to worry about her falling anymore.

My late husband was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life and for the most part he fed himself just fine. His right arm was paralyzed from a stroke he had earlier in his life and he had "essential" tremors in his left arm/hand, so there were times when they got so bad that I did have to help him to eat, but thankfully that didn't happen often.
And because he too was a fall risk, I was actually grateful when he became bedridden because I didn't have to worry about him falling anymore.

I think you are overthinking this. Your mom is almost 92 and has had a good life. And it sounds like she has good care right now, so just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her, and quit worrying about what could or could not happen.
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Jax123 May 20, 2025
I just curious, from a medical standpoint or otherwise, --isn't this something they would teach a professional. Not to mention I have to plan ahead and make serious decisions. Quit shaming granny. How's that? Have a nice day.
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