My mom, almost 92, German-born fraulein grew up during WWII. Still does a lot of things herself though completely walker dependant now. Extremely frail with a bum leg due to PAD and ulcers. Many falls, but many recoveries. Needs 24 hr supervision, two family members and 4 caregivers, plus VN for leg. The CNA says now that she is in bed more, she will progress quicker. If she gets to the stage where she can no longer feed herself, how long could this last? :-P
Largely to keep him happy we have four caregivers now. Her going to a facility means my brother will live in her house, on her savings for the next two years until $ runs out. Will he really use her debit care if she's in a facility too? And if $ runs out she goes on Medicare, who pays for the house expenses and maintenance, me and my husband? Brother hasn't had an income in 15 years, and isn't that interested in maintaining land and property.
You'd think she could live with me and my husband, but that's impossible too. We live an hour away in a small, one-bedroom apt in a four-unit house that he owns. We really don't want to displace our tenants, mostly single mothers with teenage kids. Plus mom doesn't want to live with me, or rent an apartment with me as has been suggested. Now that mom is declining more, maybe I could evict my brother...but that would be a huge deal, possibly even dangerous I guess.
So today I googled "how to break and irrevocable trust". Maybe I could lawyer up and get my mom and lawyer trustee and all parties to agree the trust has long outlived its purpose, we just want to sell the house and move on. Clearly the estrangement between said lawyer and family (though not me), benefits him and maintains a situation that is very wrong, like living in a bad fairytale. In the meantime, comments like "can live on milk for years" fill me with dread.
What is the deal with caregivers and food anyways, I can see how that can be difficult? I prepare my mom food and my brother eats it. Now one of the caregivers eats our food when she works. Lasagna took me what 3-4 hours to make. Never again. I mean I love to share, but... Situation is just so unbelievable. But maybe I shouldn't worry, shouldn't bother to figure things out. Ha.
So that was my point as life is too short and too precious to waste our time worrying about things that may or may not ever happen. Instead we should just enjoy whatever time we may have left with our loved ones, and try to make their lives the best they can be under whatever circumstances they're in.
When she stopped "eating" and drinking completely, while she was on palliative care, she lived for another 4 weeks.
Your mum's situation could be completely different because everyone is different.
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When my Aunt suffered a massive stroke and went on in-home hospice (so no food or nurishment, no IV for fluids) she lasted 4 days then passed. She had no other health issues prior to the stroke except the beginnings of CHF. She was 105 and the stroke paralyzed half her body.
Her MD would have the best "guess" as he knows her best.
Much depends on how quickly she gets something that "takes her", and by how much "treatment" is done for that something. Bedrest makes one prone to bed sores, infections in bladder and lungs. Antibiotics stave off the worst of these often enough. An elder in bed needs VERY LITTLE nutrition to survive a long time.
Again, this is impossible to guess at.
The people on this site are not doctors, just people trying to be helpful.
I have found them to be so, with all their collective experience, taking their own free time to try to relate to and help others who have care or responsibility of elders.
This past January I buried my 105.5 yr old Aunt who was still mobile with a walker and living in her own home with the help of 2 family members during the days only. She had all her mind, even after her massive stroke she was answering my questions by squeezing my hand. Her younger sister and housemate passed away in 2023 but had advanced dementia, She was almost 101 and mobile only with support. One night she got out of bed and broke her hip, She passed away while in rehab, while I was figuring out her future care arrangement. We don't know why she passed, but it was mercifully fast and minimally painful. She had no other health problems.
My MIL passed away this past December. She was bedridden and in LTC for 7 years. Also no profound health issues that we knew of (she was bedridden due to pain and weakness from a prior back injury). Her appetite started to wane last October and the facility suggested hospice as her weight kept dropping and appetite flagging. Then within the first week she was in hospice and barely eating or drinking, her heart rate took a dramatic drop and she passed, pain-free, on no meds (no morphine or Ativan). We were able to be there with her, too, thanks to the smart admins, nurses and staff.
My suggestion to you is to start researching LTC and hospice options, just in case.
Medicaid covers facility LTC if she qualifies medically and financially (plus her SS income). Hospice is covered by Medicare. FYI my 105-yr old Aunt wanted in-home hospice so make sure you know what this means for you and her caregiving team.
Plan for the worst and hope for the best. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
And if she becomes bedridden, while she'll require a bit more care, at least you won't have to worry about her falling anymore.
My late husband was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life and for the most part he fed himself just fine. His right arm was paralyzed from a stroke he had earlier in his life and he had "essential" tremors in his left arm/hand, so there were times when they got so bad that I did have to help him to eat, but thankfully that didn't happen often.
And because he too was a fall risk, I was actually grateful when he became bedridden because I didn't have to worry about him falling anymore.
I think you are overthinking this. Your mom is almost 92 and has had a good life. And it sounds like she has good care right now, so just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her, and quit worrying about what could or could not happen.