It seems like most of the situations I read about in this quorum revolve around Children of parents with Dementia or Alzheimer’s or wives with husbands of same but rarely of Husbands with Wives suffering from these disorders. Perhaps it’s because Husbands are reluctant to seek help when they have been the ‘Fixers’ of problems and now have encountered a problem they can’t ‘Fix’.
I am a ‘Fixer’ who has met his match and am sadly at a loss to come up with a solution.
As my wives Dementia creeped up on she’s had the normal symptoms, short term memory, forgetfulness, accusations of adultery, etc. recomposition of past memories, all conditions that could be dealt with by agreeing with her or changing the subject (Not the Adultery, I drew the line there). It’s the anger that is driving the situation, now. She has always had a hot temper, but manageable, or we wouldn’t have been married for 62 years. It was a series of anger tirades that brought us to memory care before either she or I suffered severe injuries. First the hospital, and after a two week stay where meds were adopted, the decision was made that I couldn’t manage the care for her at home (Incontinence, Spotty eating habits, neglecting taking her meds, and still going through angry moods). I believe I have selected a good Memory Facility but even though I visit her regularly about every other day bringing one other person (Either one of the daughters, or the Grandkids or just friends that she is acquainted with), when talking to her on the phone she insists that I never have been up to see her and demands to know why not. Similarly, she talks non stop on why I can’t get her out of there and bring her home. Not easy to shift to other subjects when she is so locked on these two complaints. Visiting situations have disintegrated because of Covid-19 and inability to touch or hold her which has a calming effect. Can’t do that over the phone either. I’m not blaming her as I would feel the same if I were in her place. The thing is that I don’t want to end our final days at odds with each other. I want the old adage, “Love will Conquer All” to prevail but don’t know how to achieve that goal.