My niece who's not allowed on my property showed up to see mom while I was away. I have surgery this week. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My niece who's not allowed on my property showed up to see mom while I was away. I have surgery this week. What can I do?

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my 96 yr old mom lives with me and my husband. I have poa of my mom and the homestead is in my name. however i have a niece who constantly tell mom that she and her family will stay with her at the homestead. Last week we had an argument and i told mom that my niece was not allowed on my property any more. today while i was away from the house. mom let them come visit. im scheduled for surgery this week and im afraid my niece may try to move my mom out while im away. what can i do? moms dr says she must stay under my care or go to a facility. i dont want to put her in a nursing home.

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It's time to have a heart to heart within the family, including the niece and her parents. You don't say how old the niece is, whether she's your sister's or brother's child. How are they financially? They may be looking for a place to live and using their daughter / your niece to try to wheedle into your Mom's home. It's sad, but many family members become quite devious when the parent gets elderly and a homestead or money is looming in their future.

At this sitdown (preferably at your lawyer's office) everyone needs to know you have DPOA (not just medical to get her treated, but durable which means you control her assets and finances). If you don't have the DPOA, get it now, before you have your surgery! Otherwise, the niece or sibling will get it while you're incapacitated. Once it's established that you have control and that the homestead is "Mom's" and no one is moving in, that will stop any harassment or coercion you feel the niece is inflicting on your Mom. (It might however, cause the rest of the family to change tactics and start in on you. Be sure you've kept excellent records and receipts for all you've done for your Mom so they can't argue you've abused the money. Be sure you keep all doctors appointments and keep records of times you've given her medication so they can't claim neglect. And be sure to have the family over anytime they want (you can ask they call ahead, but unless there's appointments or other verifiable reason to not let them visit, try to accommodate as much as possible) to see your Mom so they can't claim you're abusing her in any way. In other words, prove yourself the angel you are. And keep in mind, she's their Mom and Grandma too, so you don't really have the right to keep them away from her, or her away from them, unless they are inflicting harm either physically, mentally or emotionally.

God Bless YOU for what you're doing for your Mom!
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First, you can't expect your 96-year-old mother to shut the door on her granddaughter if granddaughter comes to visit. You need to handle this directly with your niece, not expect your mother to do it. (And is it fair or kind to keep a grandmother and granddaughter apart?)

Second, does your niece know that the homestead is in your name? If she knew that, it might make it less attractive to her to live there, if her intentions are mercenary. Is there something else about your niece that you think is bad for your mother, or is she otherwise a nice person? Competent? Able to provide care?

Third --- does your mother's doctor say it's either you or a nursing home because at the moment, there's no other alternative? What would s/he say if there were a third option --- living with your niece?

Fourth, what does your mother want? Would she be happier if she could spend her last months or years at the old home?

And finally --- could her granddaughter give her proper care?

I'm not suggesting that you should turn your mother over to your niece. I just wonder how this looks from your mother's point of view, and from your niece's. Forbidding relatives to visit, etc., is pretty drastic --- it creates family feuds that divide siblings, cousins, etc. forever.
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Get a nanny cam and record the visits.
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If you have poa over your mum your niece has no legal right to take her anywhere. Sometime between now and your surgery sit down and put in writing that you do not want your niece to be with your mother unless you are present. Have your husband witness the document by signing his name and make sure you put the date on it. Where will your husband be while you are having surgery? Perhaps you could set up a caregiver to look after your mum while you are at the hospital. Will you be in overnight? Power of Attorney means that you are the person that has the legal authority to make decisions for your mother .. NOT your niece! Good Luck with your surgery :-)
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Many nursing homes and assisted living facilities offer respite or short term care. Call several in your area and explain the situation and estimate how long you will need care. If you decide to place your mom in a facility temporarily, make sure the staff knows about the situation with the niece. As long as you have POA, they will not let the niece move her from the facility.
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