My elderly dad has been diagnosed with dementia and has a history of falls; refuses to move in with me. To my face, he is super sweet, nice and thankful when I drive across town every other day to ensure he has enough to eat and has what he needs; I have two sisters that also help on the days I am not there. We stay about 1 to 3 hours and leave once we see all is well. We set up ring cameras to check on him remotely. I was shocked when reviewing them one day to overhear him trashing me to the neighbors, friends, and visiting nurses saying I am a selfish poor excuse for a daughter because I don't come and stay with him all day every day, as well as other hateful critical comments. Regarding my sisters, he says they are very helpful, and nothing like me. My question is this the dementia talking or does he really feel this way and has he always felt this way. Is it possible for someone with dementia to turn it off and on like that; sweet and loving to my face but completely the opposite behind my back. This is hard to hear when I'm doing my best to help him. thanks to anyone who might have experienced anything similar.
That is GOOD .
Do not take an elder in your home who is going to trash talk you , it could escalate to serious false accusations where you have to defend yourself to authorities .
It doesn’t matter why he does this , you have to protect yourself .
My advice, tell him you know he is trash talking you to others and that you will be cutting back your visits as he does not appreciate the effort. I don't care if it is the 'disease', it still hurts.
The only advice I will give right now is this: stop asking your father to move in with you. This clearly indicates that he will make your life miserable if he does. What happens often -- people post it all the time on this board -- is that some adult children respond to their parent's criticism and negativity by stepping up their assistance, in an attempt to win over the parent. Please don't fall into that trap. What you are doing is thoughtful and generous. If your father needs more, tell him he can hire the additional help at his own expense. I'll leave it to you whether to continue the current level of help. You would be justified in stepping back. But don't increase it for someone who doesn't appreciate it.
Sending you a virtual hug of sympathy.
Next time you're at your father's house make him watch the footage you have of him trashing you to the neighbor. Tell him that if you ever hear him talk about you again you will stop visiting him, will help him with nothing, and won't even talk to him. Watch how fast he turns it off then. My mother turned it off when I stopped coming around and helping her. Also, her home aides have permission to shut her down if she starts up with tht nonsense. Call him out on that behavior. If he's too far gone with dementia to answer when you show him the footage, he shouldn't be living on his own anymore.
At some point one or more of your siblings is going to say "enough, I'm done, I can't do this any more"
That leaves the others taking up the slack.
It might be time to look into either caregivers more often/more hours, Assisted Living or whatever level of care they need to keep them safe.
Don't let false guilt prompt you into moving your dad in with you. This will be a mistake. Dementia will only get worse, and he will be required to get a higher level of care that he can't receive at home. People with dementia are prone to waking up at night, turning on stoves, and wandering outside causing the caregiver broken rest and becoming ill themselves.
It sounds like you need to step down and allow someone else to take over. It's time to transition him to home care services and get an aide.
Once they start playing games and stirring up trouble, someone with authority will need to be brought on the scene to make decisions. These people are no longer in charge, and do not get to demand and run the show any longer. They have some rights, but if a caregiver is doing the heavy lifting, the caregiver gets the final say on what gives. In other words, it has to be on your terms.
Old people are very demanding, and will try to run you in circles if you allow it. Get a routine that works for you and stick to it. It is okay to let them know how their behavior is affecting you. Leave the room if you must. Once a client gets to obnoxious with their behaviors, they get care, but I do not engage with the behavior. You will know when someone is really out of it or if they are just doing things to get under your skin. When you work in this field long enough, you will know the difference.
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