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Hi I’m Twillie. I came to this site when my mom was healing from hip replacement back in 2016. It proved to be very difficult caring for her in my home so I placed her at a independent care facility where she was well cared for, had excellent meal service, Doctor and caregivers on staff, 6 weeks later my brother took her out. (Said she couldn’t afford - not true!). He moved her back to the town near him so he and his wife can conveniently take care of her. Problem is they dont - both work full time, he as a pilot. So yours truly here gets to do the grunt work, the transportation to doctors, meals out, grocery, etc. Mom is a shut in so she looks forward to a weekly visit from us (never at the same time). I'm making plans to try and find work. My husband died 8 years ago and I feel finally ready to work for hire.


I’ve told my mother that I will not always be available and she will need to make arrangements. She retorted something that made me feel guilty. I have had a very tough time. Not to sound like a victim my son died too. I’m worried that my mom will want to move in with me which would cause a clusterf$&* Since I am poverty line widow just trying to stand on my own two feet - get no benefits - rely on ACA for insurance and still pay Uncle Sam his 10% penalty. I just don’t know how to bring it up that my gas, sundries, food, and meals when she is in my care, is costing me a great deal. I see what's coming down the pike - she’s having more and more difficulty performing ADL’s. I would just as soon leave this monkey on my brother’s back and just do what I am reasonably equipped to do. I don’t want power of atty, executrix, etc. though I do want things to be fair and not get taken advantage of because I have no other family in my life.


Thoughts?

Your mom was in Indepenedent Living and she agreed to move out so your brother could care for her?

How is this any of your concern, dear? Tell your mom and brother to figure it out.

I have no patience for parents who use their children the way your mom is doing.
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Twillie Jan 18, 2019
Barb, I’m not allowed to take her to Primary Care doc who manages her diabetes. My brother and his wife take her to HIS personal doctor.

I do however take her to specialists - kidney doc, gastro, ortho surgeon.

She has refused letting me tske her to endocrinologist as was advised (I think because she doesn’t want to trouble my brother with this - they live in the same vicinity).

Yes, I think they are neglecting her - the diabetes is uncontrolled and she’s not getting proper meals.
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Your brother only sees your mother once a week, and he lives in the same town? How far away are you? You do all of that for her and only see her once a week, also?

Your brother makes good money as a pilot, and his wife works, too. So they are both saving for retirement (I presume).

Why can't you do that, too? You know that if your mother moves in with you, that you wouldn't be able to work for YOUR OWN financial future.

Leave it to your brother and mother to solve this problem. HE is the one who moved her close to him and his wife.

And you are NOT sounding like a victim because your son died. My son died, also, and I told my three (out of state, of course!) brothers several years back that because of that, I was NOT equipped emotionally to deal with my mother beyond a certain point.
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More questions first, sorry!

Have you talked to your brother and sister in law?
Why do you think your mother would want to move in with you?

But at first glance, I would say that your next reasonable move is to find that job! - and I wish you the very best of luck with it.

I would also comment that I don't myself feel you're leaving anything on your brother's back. I would say he took it on himself, wouldn't you? If, since that point, he and your SIL have been taking your input for granted then that, if you'll excuse me for saying so, is probably not all their doing. You have been doing all the fetching and carrying and ferrying; and my guess is not that they don't appreciate this work so much as they have not had to stop and think about it at all. They probably just don't realise the extent of it.

Get the job first. It will make you feel immeasurably better and more positive about everything. Once it's there, then you can figure out the balance of commitments you're happy with in consultation with your brother, and help *him* work out a care plan that ensures your mother is well supported.

You're not abandoning him or her, it's not like you're leaving the country and will never again take her out for a meal. You are taking an important step towards a more secure future and a better use of your time and abilities. All power to you.
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Twillie Jan 18, 2019
Thank you so much. I’m really trying.
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You did the right thing by setting up your mother's living arrangements and she and your brother moved her out. You are done with hands on care *and* any financial support they might ask for. You did your duty and you are done with that, no matter the load of guilt they attempt to offload on to you!

Go find that job! That will give you an extra reason to say no- you can then say, I have work responsibilities. Don't fall for manipulation and guilt- you've done everything right. They refused you. You can't change them, but you can change how you respond.
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Hi Twillie,

I agree with the advice of getting the job, it will make you:
-Socialize!
-Improve your finances
-Fill your time with something other than the negative or sad thoughts that I am sure visit you often as a result of the loss of your son and husband
-Make you feel useful (not that you aren’t now, but working makes a difference)
-Give you more confidence in yourself!

Once you have done that, set up time to talk to your brother and wife, and of course do not say that you feel they are not really taking care of your mom because that will predispose them not to accept your suggestions. Tell them you are worried about her and also about them and you not being able to deal with all that will come with future aging issues and that now that you have a job it’s more difficult for you to help out.

Now, why do you say that your brother is wrong when it comes to the resources available for your mom? I figure he is the POA but you could try to friendly suggest to look at her situation together and do the math to see if something could be done. Maybe he is thinking that with what she has it is better to use it when needed (later, when she cannot be by herself), but you need to be clear on what is available too, and I really think you need to have a good conversation with your brother, like I said not implying they are falling short, but yes stating all your concerns and trying to collaborate to come up with the appropriate solution.

Wish you luck with everything and I most certainly hope you get a job soon! You’ll see the difference in your life!!
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Twillie Jan 14, 2019
Hi and thank you. I’m going to ponder on your response I think it’s a good one.
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I feel you need a sit down with Brother before you go looking for a job. Tell him exactly what you have said here. That you are now poverty level. That carting Mom, with no compensation, cuts into your income. Money you can use on bills. You need to find a job. You need to get credit towards your SS. Because it will be a new job, you will not be able to take off to cart Mom to appointments. So Mom is going to have to set up transportation. Tell them what you are willing to do. Like maybe Saturday taking her grocery shopping and to lunch. (If u feel that you can't do, thats OK. New job will be overwhelming at first)

Your brother is well off if he is a pilot. Moms money can be used to obtain services for her. My opinion is he is trying to save money so there is some for an inheritance. Please, stand your ground. This is your future. You have to do for you. Oh, and because of ur job, there will be no moving in of mom to ur home. You need downtime after working all day.

Call your Office of Aging and see if they have a booklet of their services. Get a copy. Ask about Senior bussing for appts and shopping. Ask if they know about a car service.
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Twillie Jan 14, 2019
Hi my brother won’t speak to me. He makes all the decisions. He would prefer no input from me but obviously I have a relationship with my mom so I’m pretty in tune to her needs. He doesn’t care if I go hungry. He hates me. We are estranged.
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It is breaking my heart - my mom is having episodes of near fatal low blood sugar. Her living alone means she doesn’t eat and no one is managing her meds/insulin. Brother stated to my face in a very unpleasant manner that he will be the one to take care of her. He and his wife make all decisions. They demand total control except I am allowed to visit and ferry her to doctors (other than her GP - which is HIS doctor). He lives about 10 minutes from her (I am in a different county). I am not even allowed to contact her caregiver service - his wife is the ultimate authority on that. But mom does want to spend time with me and I love her. I might not be the favorite child but I’m the oldest - that’s gotta count for something right? Thanks for all your support.
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 14, 2019
"Near fatal low blood sugar"? Whose diagnosis is that?

It doesn't sound as though brother and SIL are providing adequate care, does it?

What does her doctor recommend when you take her?
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Barb, two doctors told me she needs nursing home care. A dermatologist told me she needs to be seen by endocrinologist for labile BLood sugar. Numerous times while in my care I’ve had to call EMT’s. When I can’t get her on the phone I send police to do welfare check - she was found unresponsive- blood sugar 29.

She called me tonight and told me she fell last night and laid in her urine on the bathroom floor all night - she called Sister-in-law to come and help. Blood sugar was 43. Caregiver was with her thereafter. Brother is doing pilot training out of state.
Sister-in-law refuses to communicate with me as does brother. I’m headed over to my mom’s in the AM to assess and care for her.
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