New to parenting a parent that refuses to admit anything is wrong. Any advice?
Hello, I'm new to the caregiver life. My mom is 69 and has dementia type symptoms with delusions and hallucinations. She had been involuntarily committed from 2/27/14 until 3/21/14 between 3 medical hospitals and 2 mental health facilities in wa and or. The last place tried to commit her for a further 180 days after they gave her a vague diagnosis of Alzheimer's type dementia with psychosis nos. She has only had a CTscan and bloodwork at the first edicts hospital and the last mental health facility in or. The last facility lost their case and I brought her to live with my family and I (husband and 2 kids 11&13yrs old). Our house is to small for all of us and as it was we were already financially struggling. Since bringing her home I have had to quit my new job to be home with her. I have tried every resource I could google and every other one anyone recommended. I had a memory care facility lined up but the 'diagnosis' was not confirmed and she was denied Medicaid thru sr&disabled services. She only qualifies for $15 a month in food stamps which won't even start till the intake appt in June that somehow will qualify her for Medicaid and maybe a program i can be paid as her caregiver and maybe other programs, a big Maybe. We are drowning now and I am at my witts end with no support. My husband doesn't agree with helping her or anyone for that matter and since our house is to small I am sleeping on the couch, my son is in my room and my mom has his room. My moms psychosis started this year in jan after she gave up trying to save her home she owned of 20 yrs that the city in wa kicked her out of and boarded up nov 2012. The whole 2013 yr was spent with her trying any and every possible help she could find and nothing. My mom is a retired registered nurse for over 30 yrs. proud, stubborn and always had what she needed. Her mental state now is her personality exasperated by 1000 and from her hiding, stealing, lying, hoarding, forgetting, calculatedly remembering, and out right belligerent behavior my family is having a hard time. The delusions and hallucinations are mild but control her every thought. The fascinating part is they are based on real people and events but the outcomes are opposite of reality. Like she says her house is being moved to Alaska and she is getting all the money from it, when actually her house is in short sale and she is only getting a tiny amount; her 'husband' she waits for with everything she owns (not
Much) packed and ready to go with to her 'home' in wa and is a real person but in reality is an old neighbor that she absolutely despised because he called the animal control with complaints about her barking dogs. She actively converses with them and only believes them and I and anyone 'real' is a liar. She refuses to think anything is wrong and that she is now an empath who can talk to animals as well. Overwhelming to say the least. I one of there kids and the only capable one to be able to care for her. Well supervise her is more like it. I have literally exhausted every possible resource that or is supposed to have and nothing is available. With all the 'parents are better with family' garbage they make it impossible for that to happen. She refuses to go to a dr and get the necessary tests done to confirm the 'diagnosis' cuz she says this is how she's been. I finally got her to say 'she need her head checked' but now she's adiment that she's going to an appt with her dr in wa. Since being with us she has improved 100% and has only attitude, refusal, denial, and some mild cognitive issues. She did share with me that when she bends down and stands up she get dizzy and 'it starts again' which is the loud buzzing in her ears, which is a huge concern and points toward something medical. Without the money and resources needed to move into a bigger place or even place her we are slowly falling apart as a family. I know what I'm doing in my heart is better for her but with no support from anywhere I don't know how long I can do this.
Never mind, be that as it may. The trouble is that your mother is incredibly ill, you have no idea why, and now you're finding it hard to get her to agree to see a doctor. She is presumably refusing because she is psychotic and/or demented (these are not mutually exclusive conditions). And meanwhile it is also very important that a number of other physical possibilities get excluded. And meanwhile you're under terrible stress yourself, and your husband - for understandable reasons - is folding his arms and not helping?
Oh brother, what a muddle.
Now then. Since they're the only people who seem to have had a proper plan, what I suggest (and don't just say no) is that you go back to the mental hospital - call them up and talk to them about where everybody goes from here. I expect they did make some derogatory remarks, I'm afraid - probably they were hopping mad, feeling very foolish, and therefore not minding what they said. Were you exquisitely polite about them at the time ??? :)
The point is, they might well be able to help you, and even more importantly help your mother. TALK to them, see if together you can all come up with a plan that will get somewhere, and ideally build a good working relationship. Best of luck
It's going to be ok. You have done NOTHING wrong. It is vital to find out what exactly is going on with your mother, and that is what you have got under way. You are RIGHT to have done that. Honestly, it'll get better for her from here.
As for your husband, please, as far as you can, just mentally take time out. He's broken down under the strain: it's not admirable, but it's understandable and it could get healed if nobody says anything they can't ever take back. Just for now, try to let him be.
Keep in close touch with the hospital and don't be afraid to ask questions - write down the answers, including names and contact details, because you won't remember what's been said.
I know guilt isn't voluntary but I PROMISE you you have no grounds for guilt. You are doing the right thing. Thinking of you, best of luck x
What if I don't go to church or believe in anything except myself? Will u not offer me advice?
If you think that u have such a hugely superior right to come onto this forum and ask such obviously judge mental, closed minded questions that have no place in this particular discussion with the intention of using the answers to withhold advice back, because u have given urself permission to interpret this 'bible' so u can be the judge in who is worthy of hearing ur advice, well, i don't need to really say anything. U are already on ur way creating ur own world of eternal judgment.
If u think using religion as a tool to try and criticize or judge me or my situation is in anyway what 'god' intended, u should be ashamed of urself. If I thought it was ur business to know
If I am religious or go to church or not, well, I would say: if I was to believe in organized religion, go to church and need to believe there is a god so I can then not feel alone and have the power to get thru this I certainly wouldn't believe any god would condone u passing judgements on people. And I wouldn't want to believe in a go that would encourage his followers to be judge mental and criticize those that don't need to be a part of organized religion to feel whole. So for u I ask such a question using such a controversial subject is sad.
What if I said yes I do go to church, would that then make u feel as if u had a connection with me and u could then seem me worthy of ur advice? What if I said I didn't go to church? Would that then compel u to try and save me from myself? Or would it give u a feeling of superiority and u then make it ur mission to say I'm not worthy of ur advice or help? What if I said I worship a rock, on thurs between 12-2 by a river and that I have had spiritual enlightenment and the rock has given me the strength i needed to handle my situation better? Would u think ur opinions on how a rock isn't somethjng to be worshipped and cannot help me and is ur duty to point out and criticize me for not believing the way u do?
What would u say if my religious beliefs are that if I did believe in a god, that that god gave me and every living thing all the tools We need to get thru life's challenges without needing to be in a structure first in order to be worthy of his guidance?
Do u honestly think that if i go to church and have religious beliefs i could handle my life any better and have a solution sooner? Are u even a caregiver? Will I miraculously have what I need handed to me of I do go to church?
What I do believe is that if there is a god or higher power that did in fact create us and earth and life then I surely would hope he would have given us the necessary tools within ourselves and already have the answers to all out questions in our heads and all the cures for all the ailments in our earth. Why would he create us just to rely only on him?
Basically- I believe in myself. My beliefs are in each and every living thing being complex piece of a bigger picture with purpose and infinite power. My church is earth and my faith is in myself. I worship my own creations - my children. And with them the future has a little more chance of becoming better for everyone. Not that I need to explain myself to u. But unlike u, I am comfortable enough to not get offended by ur need to know if I'm worthy.
Now back to the subject at hand. Sorry for the rant and if I offended anyone. But some people don't mind forcing their opinions on people. Especially here, when it wasn't asked for or relevant.
I say this as a Southern Baptist who has had theological training every single day kindergarten through high school and Honors Theology at university, plus church three times a week. The Bible is a lot of things and sacred to many people, but it's not a medical reference.
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