Hi all,
I'm a 52 year old woman, single and childless by choice (I was a teacher for 29 years and retired in May), adopted, and my mother just moved in with me a month ago after living in a senior community for a little over a year.
My mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in August of 2023 and the doctor gave her no more than 2 1/2 years, about a year ago.
My mother can be extremely difficult with narcissistic tendencies (not 100% narcissist) and I have the guilty conscience of a Catholic, for no apparent reason.
My post is to reaffirm what I know the right thing to do is. My mother moving in with me feels like the right thing, right now. My father died in April 2022 and she's been without him since then.
When she was int he retirement community from May 2024-August 2025, she stayed in her apartment, never went to socials, and I visited her almost every day, even when I didn't want to.
Now she's living with me and, at least, I don't have to make a 20 minute drive to and from to her apartment anymore (a good thing because I hate Dallas traffic). So that's one good thing.
Her living with me, my guilt is assuaged for the time being, knowing this is the right thing to do. (honor thy mother and father)
But I have been living by myself for 24 years and having a roommate has been hard. Especially the loud TV on most of the day and a few other small things that I won't get into.
She also accepts no wrongdoing and either turns everything around on me or ignores it and continues doing the things I have asked her civilly not to do or to work on.
So, when my mother starts to get sicker, in more pain, and eventually won't be able to get up or move or do any other daily things, it's a progressively painful cancer of the bones with fractures, lesions and pain) I know she will be bed ridden and most likely doped up on pain medicine. That's a fact.
Even though hard to get conversations from her about future plans, she has told me that if/when she gets that was she wants to go to the hospital.
This is the plan because I KNOW I can't take care of her. I know she wouldn't want me to bathe her, change her, etc. and I know mentally and emotionally I wouldn't be able to anyway.
A couple of weeks ago, she made the mistake of taking three Dulcolax because going for a couple of days without a BM is something she doesn't like, and I have to clean up liquid diarrhea that had leaked all over the floor, hallway, and bathroom. It traumatized me and I know I could never do that again.
The thought of her staying in the house, bringing a bed in and hooking her up to machines, drips, etc. has crossed my mind but them it wouldn't be ":home" to me knowing my mother is two rooms over dying.
So, when it comes down to it, I want her in the hospital or a hospice facility for her and also for me.
I want to hear from people in a similar situation or who have had a similar situation.
I am looking for support through messaging, chatting, etc.
If you would be willing to guide me, help me, and be a support, I would be grateful.
Patricia
Put the medicines in an area inaccessible to mom. She is now unable to handle her medications, witness the diarrhea all over and her lack of judgment about dosage.
Is there any reason she can't live in an assisted living place? With plans to move to a skilled nursing facility on the same premises when she needs it? The meds issue alone is enough to warrant such a move. A hospital at the end is probably an unrealistic plan because they don't let you stay there for extended periods of time, only when your need is acute. So she'll probably be in a SNF with hospice care at the very end.
You don't have to up-end your life to take care of mom! You are important also. I suggest a straightforward conversation with her about the options. Be firm that her care is beyond your nursing skills. There's nothing wrong with admitting that. Then move toward what YOU want. You didn't mention dementia, but if she has it, a memory care facility might be the best option at this time.
I hope you find the care she needs, and I wish you the very best.
I also purchased a set of high-quality headphones so I can tune out my husband's tv shows (because I'm a RomCom girl so no -- I don't want to hear the sounds of bones crunching and people screaming). They are sound canceling and well worth the investment. Wireless. You get them for your Mom to wear, or she can hear the tv through the new digital hearing aids.
Get mom to the hospital as needed, and then on hospice care in a Skilled Nursing facility with Medicaid funding if necessary. It's God's will that you care for yourself as well since your life is just as valuable as your mother's.
I had my mother in Assisted Living and then Memory Care and did no hands on caregiving for her at all, suffering no Catholic guilt as a result. She was beautifully cared for and I still did a ton for her from the sidelines.
Check out the website Outofthefog.website to gain a better understanding of Fear, Obligation and Guilt aka FOG that you've been subjected to your whole life. Once the fog clears, you'll feel better about stepping back from this situation somewhat.
Best of luck to you.