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Hi,


I need advise. My MIL moved in 8 months ago due to her financial situation and this has been a bad idea. We are trying to hang in there, but she is very dominating and unclean. If we try to discuss with her, she gets angry and pouts for days. I literally think she hates me!


She doesn't shower often enough and smells...(our house smells horrible!) She will not change diapers often enough so she leaks..We set up a nurse to come help bath, she refused..She has always lived alone for the most part, and she just does things her way...doesn't clean up after herself, helps herself to whatever, never washes her hands (I mean NEVER) and so I am constantly cleaning /disinfecting...She literally licks the tops of everything (like mayo, ketchup jelly) (unless it is hidden) ...rips the tops off everything in the pantry, leaves food out and fusses if I put it away...She shares a bathroom with my teenager boys, she doesn't flush, leaves her diapers in an empty trash can visible and her prep. H sitting on top...so this must be embarrassing when friends come over...(they are troupers and don't complain)...I am at my wits end! I DREAD going home after work. My husband is on the same page with me. We do not know what to do other than just let her invade! HELP!

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This sounds awful!

Take notes about what is happening, how often, etc. And make sure the doctor reads it before the appointment (hand it to the assistent when you get there). That way they know it is serious. Some people are able to put on a good show for the doctor.

In the meantime you need to seriously investigate other living arrangements. From her behavior it sounds like there may be dementia involved. If finances are an issue, you may want to start the process of applying for medicaid. And try your best for your husband to get durable power of attorney for her.

Good luck!!!
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The health implications of her behavior give me the chills!  Don't think I could spend any time in your home and I'd sure be too afraid to eat there.
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My mil, 81, does these kind of things also. And she is so sneaky, or so she thinks, it is always so obvious. But she has been diagnosed with alzheimers disease. (AD) So we are well beyond the "boundaries" stage I am guessing. She NEVER washes her hands which I despise, she doesn't wipe after using the toilet (and someone from a health care agency actually said we should put stuff in her bathroom to use, but we had just had to have the bathrooms at HER home fixed as they were plugged with toothpaste containers, tooth brushes, perfume bottles, etc and her home was from 1995, ours is from very early 1900's. Get my drift. There was ABSOLUTELY no way I was going to do that!) And depending on the bathroom she decided to destroy in OUR home, determined if the toilet got flushed. And I keep saying that it is the disease. I know she is very difficult and needs to be placed in a facility as I can't physically (on disability as well ) or mentally handle her behavior any longer. I was / am trying like crazy not to have to use medicaid, but days are numbered.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I am sorry for my babbling and not offering an answer to you. Every journey is different! , but they all suck and they all end in the same way!!!
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rovana Sep 1, 2018
Why are you trying to avoid Medicaid?   Sounds like she needs to be in a facility as a matter of safety. If Medicaid can help get her there, I'd grab it!
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With that level of dysfunction she should be in a care facility where they are
equipped to deal with constant disinfecting. You and your family shouldn't
have to deal with that. That's so gross and aggravating. I feel aggravated
just listening to all of that. Must be exhausting. Good luck finding her a place,
it might take some time, but there are increasing options available.
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My MIL is 74..SOrry, I am not sure why it says 52...(I am 52) Thanks for all of the advice. Yes, she LOVES going to the dr and goes frequently...Others (family outside my home) do not grasp what goes on ...I am sure she makes me out to be the enemy.:(
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thanks, Ali, I try not to hover over anything or anybody. It tends to drive people nuts. Stop hovering people! ;)
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Where is anyone seeing 52? I am not finding it.

52 is not elderly. What are her medical issues?
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AliBoBali Sep 1, 2018
On Tryingtodothis's profile, it says they're caring for Ann. If you hover over the name Ann, more info comes up and says that Ann is 52.
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I would be thinking about moving her into a low income Senior/Disabled Apartment. At 53, she's way too young to be infringing on your household, especially since you still have young kids at home, boy's even!

This will not last, you are giving her too much power, and she will ruin your life, and soon (if not already), it will begin adveresly affecting your children! Your house, Your Rules! Who cares if she hates you, it sounds as if she in a Power Play for Top Status in the home, do Not Allow this to continue!

For the short term, set up very Specific guidelines that she Must Follow, such as a Shower 3 times per week, on a schedule, Enforced! She must keep the bathroom clean at all times, with her toiletries properly stored, and her Soiled Depends disposed of properly, the garbage taken out daily! Tell her you've noticed that her hands are filthy at times, and with kids in the home, you do not want to spread Germs about YOUR home, so wash hands Multiple times per day is a must, as every surface becomes infected! As for licking jars of food items in your kitchen, that is disgusting and either she Stop this behavior at once, or she Will Not be allowed to work independently in your kitchen, end of!

Write out a clear and consice list of household rules that she Must abide by, discuss it, have her sign it, make a copy, and post it in her bedroom too! Make it clear that if she does not follow the rules of Your home, that you will make it necessary for her to live elsewhere, as this is the Only way she will be able to continue to live there For Now, and to be determined, dependent on how she follow the rules. Let her be angry, let her pout, but you must NIP this in the bud, or your lives will become miserable with here being there!

NEVER PROMISE that she will be able to stay Forever. Make it clear that this is a trial basis, and if it becomes necessary for Any reason, that you will help her to find new digs appropriate to her finances. There is help out there for the indigent, and you will research those options, and help her to find those accommodations, whether it due to her health and safely reasons, finances, the health and Happiness of your family, or whatever, but it will be yours and your husband's decision, Always. Never let her come between you and your husband, you Must remain a United Front, or she will Win, Every Time!

If she has health concerns that are not being seen to, demand that she get that help, as it affects the whole family. Again, Your house, Your Rules!

Your Rules! Don't budge, or she will take over your entire life and that of your family! I would get started on finding her alternative housing ASAP! The longer you wait, the harder it will become! Good Luck!
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Tryingtodothis Sep 1, 2018
Thank you! I appreciate your advice !
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Is 52 an error? If she is 52 there is more going on here than incontinence. There maybe some dementia or mental disorder. What she is doing is not normal. She needs a complete evaluation. This could be a UTI, low potassium, diabetes, etc. Once she is evaluated you can go from there. You don't have to live like this.
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Tryingtodothis Sep 1, 2018
SOrry, she is in her 70's! I changed it. Thanks for pointing that out! He Dr has set up a neuro apt. Waiting for an appointment.
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she is only 52? has she seen a MD recently regarding her behavior?
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Tryingtodothis Sep 1, 2018
Thanks, my mistake!! She is in her 70.s
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