New here. We need suggestions for how parents are dealing with Mom's "confusion."

Most medication for dementia have NO proven track record. They do not prevent dementia getting worse nor do they cure it in any way. You should read up on the medications. Medications for SYMPTOMS (agitation, et al) are useful). The others are for the most part useful to the doctor's pocketbook as they are given 6% of the cost of prescription on those that are not yet generic (translate expensive). This is our medical system. Never been any different. Do your own research on studies and make you own decisions. Memory clinics are unlikely to help as well, but may, and you cannot prove what would happen if she did NOT go. Alzheimer's is progressive and incurable. There is a learning curve here.
Currently your Mom should not be in these "discussions". It will confuse her further, and could cause paranoia and depression.
You father should, and you should be responsible for the learning curve, have an assessment by a good neuro or neuro psyc doctor as needed.
So you and your siblings need now to learn. There is a lot of information under the topic on this site. There are organizations and meetings and support groups on Facebook and everywhere else. It is very difficult when this sort of thing is dropped in your lap in this manner.
I don't know staging was done on your Mom? Whether it has or not, but best thing you can do for her is tell her that she will NOT face this alone, tell her it is "the aging process" that will come to us all, tell her that she may have forgetfulness and such issues, but that you will be there for her, and help her through everything.
There will be a good deal of anger, crying and denial if this follows the normal curve.
So sorry you all are facing this down. It is time now to get all papers in order to do care should you need to, to take on finances and bill paying and so on. Hope all you siblings get along well, because if you do it will be an enormous help.

I have the Medical Power of Attorney and the Power of Attorney for everything else with my Mom. What usually helps is going to the Dr. with her. My Mom had a stroke 3 years ago and did rehab. She is still living on her own but we have an extensive check in system, for medication, Blood Pressure readings, when she is taking baths, etc. Her Blood Pressure is all over the place, one minute it's over 200, the next day it could be below 100. Either too high or too low can cause blackouts, dizziness, impairment, loss of cognitive abilities. etc. Her regular Doctor kept saying we all needed to talk about this and come to our own decision. However, once I went to her Cardiologist, he helped immensely. She kept saying "I just want to drive to the gym, I just want to drive a mile to church, I just want to drive to grocery store 2 miles away." He finally said "Yea, and pretty soon you'll be in Mexico!" He asked her "As you drive down your street and have a Blood Pressure episode, stroke, or forget what you are doing - do you want to hit the school bus full of children?" Her shocked face said it all. "Of course not, I don't want that on my conscience!" So Doctor told her "You don't know when an episode will happen, they just happen. So, you shouldn't drive anymore." Reluctantly, she agreed. I sold her car right after that, it had been sitting for 2 years anyway. Saved money by not having to pay car insurance anymore too. I also had my brother disconnect her gas stove and oven, as she has forgotten to turn off the stove twice. While that may not seem like a big deal, it only takes one fire to burn the house down with her in it. She was not happy but I got her a toaster oven that automatically turns off, a one pod coffee maker that automatically turns off and taught her how to make almost anything she likes to eat in the microwave or toaster oven. She is fine now. I also pre-cook meals and put two vegtables in a separated container that I freeze for 2-3 weeks at a time and she only has to microwave and can add a salad if she wants. Thankfully, I have been taking my Mom to all her doctor appointments for years, so all the Doctors know me, they have my POA's on file and I'm the only contact number they have. All correspondence goes through me. Talking to the doctor is your first line of defense against parents who are thinking clearly.

What is a family doctor doing diagnosing Alzheimer's and prescribing medication for it? Could you get both your parents to a gerontologist for a proper diagnosis? Maybe your father would take that seriously, if he watched the test being given and heard the doctor say "no driving!". The child can be the smartest, most logical and responsible person in the room, but the parents still see you as " the child. " I really think you need a high-powered doctor's declaration for this to sink in.

It sounds like something is amiss with your father too. Sometimes, there is more than denial. When one spouse ignores the safety and welfare of their spouse, the public and themselves, they may also be suffering cognitive decline. I’d try to connect with their doctors, to at least establish a connection. Have they signed any POA and Healthcare POA? Regardless, I’d consult with an Elder Law attorney immediately. They can explain the process for filing to get the legal authority to make necessary decisions for your parents and to to protect their health and welfare. With dementia, a person often loses the ability to gauge their competence and abilities. Reasoning doesn’t work. You may be able to get her doctor to notify DMV or you might report her for an examination, however, even if her license should be revoked, she might still continue to drive without a responsible person to take the car and prevent that from happening.

It also sounds like she needs continuous supervision around your ailing father. I’d try to info from the attorney about what evidence you need, time involved, etc, At least you’ll know what to prepare for. Many people with dementia protest and don’t just accept help.

I’m not sure what a memory clinic is either. A senior daycare? Sadly, dementia is brain damage that is normally not reversible, so, it can’t be repaired, but, I’m no medical professional. You can ask her doctor about it.

Dear "mleew088,"

Welcome to the AgingCare forum!

The first thing I did when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89 was take away the car keys and put a steering wheel lock on it. However, the fact that your father is in denial is not good as this will hinder anything you and your siblings will want or try to do. Please tell your father there could be a liability against your family if your mother were to get in an accident and either injure or kill someone while you/your dad knowingly allowed her to drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Next, your family needs to make sure all the appropriate forms are filled out i.e. Power of Attorney, I have a Durable Power of Attorney as well, Living Will/End of Life Care, Healthcare Power of Attorney, Mental Health Power of Attorney and Financial Power of Attorney. I also have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form and Advanced Directives in place as "MJ1929" mentioned.

I don't know what a memory clinic is unless you mean a memory care unit at a long term care facility which is where my mom is as of May. She was living in a regular Assisted Living Facility for the last five years.

I would start with your local "Area of Aging Agency" and speak with a social worker who can give you some guidance which is where I started back in 2014. Once you get one resource going, it becomes like a domino affect and one source leads to another and so on. Since your parents are not receptive, you and your siblings could do it on your own as far as gathering information so you don't wait for a crisis to happen - expect the unexpected so to speak.

Also, you could call the "Alzheimer's Association" 24/7 hotline at 800-279-3900.

I wish you and your family well in your decision making going forward!

If Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago has she gone for follow up visits to a neurologist who specializes in dementia? An annual exam can track the progression of the disease. The standard test seems meaningless to the uninformed (draw a clock, count backward by 7's, what us this animal? etc.) But it speaks volumes to the neurologist. My Mom thought it was a waste of time until she learned more about it.
It sounds like the university memory clinic offers just what you need to start out, with doctors, social workers, guidance etc.
As mentioned before, get all directives and paperwork finalized.
How to get them to stop driving and not be forever blamed for taking away their independence is tough. We struggled for years with my father. As one of 5 kids, no one wanted to be the "bad guy" that took away his driving. His primary doctor would not submit paperwork to Motor Vehicles to request a driving review because he felt it eroded the patient/doctor trust.
Maybe Ohio has something similar to what New York has. In New York State there is a form anyone can fill out and submit to DMV reporting someone as an unsafe driver. The driver gets called in for an evaluation, and never knows who reported them.
They either pass or have their license revoked. My brother sent in the paperwork reporting Dad. We planned to tell Dad he was a randomly chosen driver over age 90 that DMV was testing. (Perfect example of a therapeutic lie!) But by the time he got the letter requesting the evaluation, Dad was too far gone to go to the appointment. Two weeks later we got a letter stating his license was revoked because he missed the appointment.
Finally, it sounds like there is a lot going on with both your parents. It's time to start looking into hiring aides or looking at facilities. Hiring an aide now, before you get to the point of desperation, will help you choose wisely.
Best of luck to you.

Teepa Snow. Go to her website and watch some of her videos. She is one of the country's top experts on dementia and how caregivers can deal with it / communicate with those inflicted. I studied / watched / took seminars for over two years. She's the best in the business.

As another suggested, focus on discussions should be with your father. Mom isn't going to agree or really understand. In our case, dad was already gone, but never EVER did the "D" word get used around mom. Not if you valued your life! I only bring her up, because there was NO way to reason with her about her condition. In her mind, she was fine. Her excuse for memory lapses is that she is old and entitled to forget sometimes. Key word is SOMETIMES! When she's repeating herself within minutes, questions, answers or statements, clearly she is beyond capability of being reasoned with.

We did try bringing in aides, initially just a 1 hr sanity/take meds check, with intent to increase as needed. I didn't care what they did for the hour, but less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. Time for plan B.

Is there anyone your dad trusts more than anyone? Doctor? Clergy? Friend? Family member? He is in denial, but he also may not fully understand what dementia is, how it progresses and realize there is no cure, that it will only get worse. He especially needs to understand how devastating it will be, both for any injury or deaths, but also potentially for any lawsuits if she gets into an accident - ins may not cover it, she could get killed or seriously injured, she could come to other harm when she gets lost and taken advantage of. THAT should be the first item on the table - getting him on board with not letting her drive. Whether he can stick to it or keep control of the keys, etc, may be an issue that will compromise any gains you make with this,

If you could get him together with that trusted person, present some high level information about dementia and encourage him to keep up hope and care, but understand that at his age and with her condition he will need help. Try to get him to agree to some in-home assistance, couple days/week, be there when they are there, to give him time to adjust, get used to having someone there.

She may have good days, she may have bad days. She may hit plateaus where she seems stable, so he may be fooled into thinking she's fine, but that could change at any time. Without intervention to help guide him in her care, this isn't going to be an easy ride! I would also ensure that he is tested - if he is declining cognitively as well, none of what I suggested is likely to work and you may need to seek guardianship and conservatorship (POAs are generally not enough to force someone to move to a facility - we ran into that.)

My stepmom has dementia & my Dad was letting her continue to drive, even though she started getting lost. If he needed to take his car to a repair shop, he felt my stepmom could easily follow him in her car. Wrong! The adult children kept telling him he shouldn’t allow this, as it was dangerous.
Finally, an Alzheimer’s specialist put her foot down and said to my Dad : “If she gets into and accident and harms property or a human, the first things the attorneys will find is that she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is on meds. You could lose EVERYTHING because you willingly allowed her to drive and knew she wasn’t safe.”
The driving stopped the very next day and my stepmom has never mentioned it...because she forgot she could drive.

Alzheimer's is a disease. Mom must have had a brain scan and a series of tests In order to be diagnosed and treated.
Perhaps the doctor could review the the results with the family and discuss treatment options.
AND-answer questions such as "is it ok for mom to drive?"