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New caregiver suggestions, my mom recently had a TIA of which I’m learning as one of many and has been told she is not able to live by herself any longer. She is very resistant to this idea. She has agreed to move but on her terms when she’s ready. I live 2 1/2 hours away. I have ample room she can come and live with me I’ve told her this. She is also a hoarder so for her to be in this house is very dangerous. Any suggestions?

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Think very, very carefully before you move your challenging, hoarding mother into your home.

If you tell he must do her PT exercises, will she listen to you?

Will she insist on going everywhere with you?

Will she accept what her doctors tell her when she needs more care than you can give?

Are you going to quit your job to care for her? Are you independently wealthy?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Is this TransIschemic Attack caused by clogging in carotid arteries? Or do they believe that this is coming from a more widespread brain syndrome?
Who told you that Mom cannot live by herself now?
As far as being "ready" and it being "on her own terms" of course that may never happen. This is the notorious "putting off" that hoarders do to change the subject.
The trans ischemia is causing what symptoms for your mother? Who shops for her?
Are you very, very certain that you wish to take on the 24/7 care of your mother ongoing. I am not speaking of the hoarder issues, but of just care giving for someone who is apparently no longer safe alone? You may be taking on a decades long choice in life.
I would suggest that you slow, discuss this with family, and make certain of any move before it is made.
For the present your mother has expressed herself to be unwilling to leave her home. Are you her POA for health or financial? Has she been diagnosed by a doctor as unsafe alone? Is that for mental or physical reasons? Is there anyone in your Mom's area who can visit, can keep you informed.
Mom may need placement. She may need guardianship to do that, and she may be/probably will be unwilling to leave her hoard. Guardianship can entail thousands and thousands of dollars. At some point, your mother may be better under guardianship of the State. Most hoarders are notoriously difficult to "handle", to "guide".
Sorry you are in this dilemma because it is quite honestly a BIG dilemma with perhaps not many good answers. If it were me, and my Mom was not demented, for the present I would not be removing her forcibly from her home. I would understand that she is in fact in danger of a fall without being able to summon help, but that comes on the heels of my belief that there are many things worse than your own death in your own home.
You are up against some very real life changing decisions; you might want to pay a few therapeutic visits to a Licensed Social Worker who counsels on life changes. This is an awful lot just dumped on your plate. I am wishing you the best and hope you will let us know if you find some answers.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Cck943 - Once you move your mother in with you, you will very quickly discover that you didn't rescue mom from her problems, you brought mom and her problems into your home and now they all are your problems.

It's a very bad idea, please scratch that off your wish list.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 5, 2019
Polar,

This is such wise advice because for the most part people’s personalities don’t change and clashing is bound to happen. It’s stressful living with relatives.
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It’s hard to live with others. I moved mom in. She stayed for nearly 15 years. It sounds like you care for her. I cared about my mom too but personality differences start to wear on both the daughter and mother. It drastically changes your life. There will be no privacy. Sometimes they are set in their ways and it’s impossible to change someone. When boundaries are set it can make them angry. It did with my mom. If you choose to do this I hope it works out for the best.

She’s temporarily living with my brother now before permanently moving into a facility.
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How common is hoarding? This topic comes up a lot. I hate clutter and would love to downsize. I donate things periodically because I no longer want them. I find the older I get the less I want.

I realize some things are sentimental. Not everything has deep meaning though, so get rid of things that you no longer need or use.

I don’t understand people who keep junk. When my oldest brother was sick and he would ask me to help clean his apartment I hated that he kept everything. It was just junk. I tried telling him to sort his mail, keep important mail and toss the junk mail. He had empty cereal boxes, empty tissue boxes, just junk all over. That’s just garbage. He never threw his trash away. I wouldn’t want to live with junk all around me. Just strange to me. It’s nothing useful. The best way I could describe his apartment was any flat surface was covered with something!

Yes, he was sick and couldn’t keep up with things but even before he got sick he was just a slob. Wouldn’t empty his old coffee out of the pot. It was gross.

I’m fortunate. My husband is very neat. I had a great MIL that didn’t let her sons live with messy habits.

Is hoarding different from being lazy? Is it holding onto memories in some way? I don’t get it. I don’t understand the emotions behind it. What am I missing?
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elaine1962 Oct 5, 2019
Hoarding is a mental illness. It falls under ocd. They can’t let go of anything!!!! Not even an expired appointment card, not even an expired medicine bottle, etc. etc.
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Cck943 don’t let your mom move in with you!!!! You will regret it. She will turn your house into a hoarding situation. My mother is 95 and is a hoarder and gambling addict. I don’t live with her. She lives alone. I am 15 min away but I wish I lived on the other side of the world!!! Your mom needs to go to a nursing home or assisted living. The hoarding will get worse!! Every time I clear a path, the next day she fills it in with more bags and newspapers and junk. It’s a loosing battle. Don’t let her move in with you!!! Speaking from experience!!! Hugs to you!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 5, 2019
Elaine,

When did the hoarding start? Does it start off by collecting objects they are fond of? Yes, that would be a nightmare to live with.
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Your mother will turn your house into a hoarding mess!!! Don’t let her move in. She has a mental illness!! Her problems will all become your problems. She won’t let you throw a damn thing out and the older they get the worse it gets. I have never heard of anybody get cured from this illness. It only gets worse!!!
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MOve her close by. Start looking and checking out differnt facilities. If they offer Lunch and a Tour, Take her make a fun day of it. Have fun, and do this when you can, and get her used to the idea... This is happening, like it or not, you are moving close to me so I can pop in any time I want to....
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Reply to MAYDAY
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I heard that it starts with something simple as a subscription to a magazine. We must keep them, you know...YOu paid for it, can't get rid of it...

That's what I'm dealing with... my issues, I can't throw things away...My family is tired of it.. so, I try not to shop any more, only buy things like food and deodorant and detergent. :/ so I should just shop for food... I forget to apply sometimes, and now that is taking over a shelf... Oops. :)
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Needhelpwithmom my mother didn’t gamble and wasn’t a hoarder the whole time I was growing up in that house. She wasn’t the kind of person that kept things neat and tidy. There was always clutter but only on the kitchen counter or on the end table in the living room. She didn’t drink alcohol back then either. She started gambling in 1992 when the first casino was built here. Then the hoarding didn’t start until my father passed away in 1998. They say hoarding starts with a loss. She has newspapers, baby toys from when my kids were little. They are 27 and 32 years old now!! She saved obituary clippings, plastic bags, medicine that expired, all of her bill receipts from stores and Verizon and national grid and the list goes on and on. It gets worse in the winter. She will barricade herself inside with plastic bags taped to her kitchen door to keep out the Draft!! Our winters are cold and she doesn’t want any draft so she barricades the kitchen door with tons of plastic bags all taped to the door!! She thinks this is perfectly normal!!! She didn’t start drinking alcohol till 3 years ago when she couldn’t drive anymore. She is 95 years old now. The hoarding is the worst!!!
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Reply to elaine1962
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My suggestion, don't have her come live with you, you have no idea what you are in for.

My step father and his wife are hoarders and she has dementia, we cleaned out their house, 100 heavy duty leaf bags, 2 30 yard dumpsters, placed it for sale, sold it. Placed them in AL, and now they accumulate again, in the last 2 months they have bought 10 nail clippers, reams and reams of paper, plastic bags, foil, toilet paper and more, their 750 sq ft apartment is filling up quickly.

Notes pasted everywhere, it is a mess.

Find a nice AL near you, take her there, explain that she will still have her independence. I hope that you have all the legal documents in place, durable POA, will and such.
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