My older sister lived close, the other out of state. My parents put the house in my older sister’s name several years before my dad died. Mom died first. My sister is suppose to buy us out but wants us to wait 1-2 years. There wasn’t a will. Dad died 3 months ago and she won’t even let us go into the house to clean it out. I did everything for my parents for 10 years. I’m so angry at my sister. I resent her narcissistic, entitled, obsessive personality. I get angry for days after a conversation with her. Oh yeah my parent's house is next door to mine so she will be my neighbor!!! 😖 My question “How do I let go of this anger that’s consuming me.”

If there was no will and your sister buying her siblings out is an agreement between all of you, legalities aside, how is it your sister is able to prevent you from entering the house? As far as waiting a year or two for her to buy you out she may just be telling you what is likely the case with or without her buying the property, all be it poorly presented, because probate typically takes time when there is property involved. It will vary state to state but even without it being messy these things usually don’t move quickly. I’m not experienced with it but I believe the court will first appoint someone to act like an executor but with far more oversight and you being closest may make the most sense but if your sister is the only one contacting them and presenting herself...while I would expect that all three of you would be contacted to make sure you agree before one of you is appointed (a good reason to be in agreement ahead of time) and if there is disagreement an outside professional will likely be appointed all of which is going to cost. This is not necessarily a quick easy process and it may be more costly to the estate because your parents didn’t leave a will, just be warned. I would first do some basic research about what happens in your state so you know where you stand and then try to get on the same page with your siblings, a zoom meeting or two if you can’t get together in person at least to try in an attempt to prevent anyone harboring resentment and make the process as easy as possible. Armed with the legalities which are out of your hands perhaps it can be understood as help rather than a power move to you as a team of siblings. Maybe this ship has sailed, I don’t know how all of this was presented by your sister and of course if the house isn't simply in your parents names and or has a mortgage still etc, other things come into play but take the feeling that since you did all the work taking care of mom and dad next door you should have more standing because I don’t think you do legally and I my guess is you did that out of love, getting love in return not because you expected a monetary reward when they passed. It’s kind of natural that the hands on on stuff falls to the sibling or siblings that build their lives in the same area, fair or not. They also get the life experience of being the largest part of their local parents lives and that can cause some underlying guilt and or jealousy from the siblings who chose to move away, human nature they lost out on something that can’t be replaced.
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Reply to Lymie61

I am sorry. I don't understand. Can you help me?
As I get it there are two homes. One is yours and you lived next door to your parents, who are now both dead.
There was no will, yet somehow the sister was given the parents house next door to you.
Then you say the sister was "supposed to buy you out".
Buy you out of WHAT? She owns the house.
If you all own the house then you can demand the sale of the house, any one of you, at any time.
If the Sister owns the house she can do whatever she wants with it whenever she wants to.
Can you fill me in on exactly what happened here?
Why did your parents leave a house to a Sister they never saw? I think there is something missing here or something I am not getting.
Are you POSITIVE that your sister owns this house? If our parents used "buy them out" that sounds as though the parents thought they left the house to all of you. If sister is saying wait two years that means she thinks it belongs to all of you as well.
Title on this home is public document. You have some research to do to see who owns this home.
Who is opening probate on this estate without a will?
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Reply to AlvaDeer

If your sister actually owns the home, there's nothing you can do. If you want to verify her ownership, go to your county's auditor website and enter the home's address. It will show the owner and, if it is your sister, how she became the owner, probably shown as a transfer. And what buyout are you waiting for? You have no interest in the house. The only way you would get anything from the house is if your sister sold it and shared the proceeds.

Resolving your anger would mean eliminating the trigger that causes your anger. That implies not communicating with your sister. Why do you talk to her anyway if it gets you all riled up? If you want to continue to stay in touch, you have two choices; decide “it is what is is”, accept it, and choose not to be angry, or seek professional help.
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Reply to sjplegacy

I think it depends on what, exactly, it is you're angry about. Is your anger about the lack of care your sister gave to your parents, or is it over the distribution of the estate?
Did your parents put your sister's name on the house with the "understanding" that she would reimburse you for your share of the value? I'm sorry if this seems blunt, but if that's the agreement your parents made with your sister, then your ire should be with them for putting all of you in this position, because somehow or another, agreements like that never seem to work out as people thought they would. Your parents should have sold her the house outright, and then divvied that money up between all of the children equally from the estate.

If your anger is over the lack of care your sister(s) gave to your parents, I can understand that. I get angry about my one sister as well. And while I know that my relationship with her has irrevocably changed, I am trying not to stew over the anger. Actually, once I came to the realization that I no longer have to try to make nice with her, for the sake of my mom, I find it easier to deal with her in some weird way.

You don't have to have anything more than minimum contact with her, even if she lives next door. My sister in law lives next door to me - which is awesome because I adore her!! - but even as close as we are, there are days we don't see each other besides a quick wave as we go about our business. If I wanted to avoid her, it would not be hard.

I hope you can find a way to at least co-exist with her so she doesn't drive you crazy.
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Reply to notgoodenough

“If there was no will and your sister buying her siblings out is an agreement between all of you, legalities aside, how is it your sister is able to prevent you from entering the house?”

Her sister owns the house. That’s how she’s able to keep the OP from entering the house. It says right there in the post that the parents put the house in to sisters name before they died.
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Reply to worriedinCali
Lymie61 Feb 23, 2021
I missed that, my bad but you chose a more challenging method of calling me on it than necessary. It sure would be nice if you could find a more supportive way of correcting people who are also just trying to help because you do make great points and have valuable info especially about things in your state of CA. Its just that for me anyway your delivery often detracts from your input.
See 1 more reply
Sounds like your sister is holding all the cards here & calling all the shots, being a bit spiteful in the process just because she CAN. Since there's no will, she can wait as long as she'd like to buy you out, and keep you OUT of the house as well, it's within her rights to do so, unfortunately.

Get some therapy to figure out how to cope with, and let go of, the anger that's consuming you. Such anger can wind up killing YOU and it's just not worth it. Once twisted sissy buys you out of this house, move far away from that whole scene and start over with new memories in a brand new location, free from all the stress and aggravation. Just something to think about.

Good luck forging ahead with your life, in spite of all the stress your sister is causing you.
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Reply to lealonnie1

Ah the age old question! I totally understand where you’re coming from on this one and share your pain. You’re not alone with this - unfortunately it’s horribly common.
To start, I will say that the behaviour is not ok and shouldn’t happen - but it does. I’m an only child with 2 aunts, 1 uncle and 5 cousins but I’m the only person who does anything for my mum. Mum and I do 95% of all care for my grandad (who I live with). Nothing from my cousins at all. One aunt does call him at least once a week. My uncle does some diy jobs and cuts the lawn about twice a month in the summer. He visits with my aunt around twice a month maximum. My aunt does virtually nothing.
I’ve struggled with the anger I feel around the inequality in this situation. I work full time as do my cousins but the rest are retired.
I’ve realised that they are not going to change so I just have to accept the situation as it is for my own sanity. It’s not right and it’s unfair but I just have to do as much as I can or want to do and then get help from elsewhere like from professional carers.
This is not easy and it’s taken me a long time to get to this place but I’ve managed to stop getting so angry and stressed.
I’d definitely recommend some therapy if you can get it to help with moving to a place of acceptance. I wish you well and my heart is with you x
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Reply to Leo1972

If both parents died without a will, why not hire an atty and start the probate process. Unless there is something that says sister has to buy you out, that may never happen. Kind of like giving the title to a car to a buyer before they pay for the car.

The house might be sister's because of transfer done long ago, but there are other assets to sort out like the personal effects that you seem interested in. Just remember that if you contact an atty, it is going to cause sister to get mad. While she really might have a plan to buy you out of the house, if you make her mad and the deed put house in her name and no other documents saying she has to split the price of house - you will probably never see that money.

Do you think your sister really plans to move into the house next door to you? Has she said why she is waiting a couple of years to do the buy out? Have you asked her for specific things that you'd like to have out of the house? Forget about cleaning it out, just focus on anything you'd like to have and let her clean it out later on. Maybe ask her if all three of you could just meet to identify things each of you wants (not a house clean out) and get those things moved before someone breaks in and destroys the house or steals some sentimental items. You could draw straws for any items more than one person wants or trade things. Then lock it up and let big sis clean it out later - and let house payment come later. -- Gonna be hard to let go of anger that is one driveway from your front door. Just use the anger to make sure you don't create a situation like this for your own family. Get your ducks in order and make sure everyone gets equal shares. Even if you let the most selfish child you have execute your will, they have instructions to follow to keep it fair for the other kids.
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Reply to my2cents

I've deleted my first answer.

It's only three months since your father died. Put the whole house issue on a high shelf and try to ignore it until your feelings are less raw. If you really can't, consider moving.
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Reply to Countrymouse

Nonna, please seek a therapist to help you sort things out with your siblings. Talking to a therapist will help you to figure out saving a relationship or leaving a relationship with your siblings.

If your relationship with your sister can’t be saved, you can always move so you won’t be living next to her.
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Reply to elaine1962

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