I am a single mom with only one child and have declining parents that have 6 hours away. What should we do if neither of us wants to move and we have no other family members or friends that will help out? - AgingCare.com

I am a single mom with only one child and have declining parents that have 6 hours away. What should we do if neither of us wants to move and we have no other family members or friends that will help out?

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use the phone or PC and get them on waiting lists for places that are closer!!!! dont neglect urself or your your children, they are getting the best care they can...............and dont feel guilty u already have your hands full!!!!! sound similar to my situation!!!! but I think mine is a little worse!!! my mom is manipulative and makes me feel guilty and now I have soaring blood pressure because I worry myself to death, they are in the right place...................GOD BLESS U AND MANY HUGS keep the faith
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Probably getting services set up for them on their end is the best for them at this point as long as they realize as they need more help changes will have to be made and it is better for them to know what the options are so they can think about if they would rather be placed or to move closer to you since you are the one responsible for their safety and comfort they need to realoze they may have to make changes that they do not want to go along with and you never know when something will take place that will speed up the decision so it is better to have all basis covered and discussed ahead of time they may not like the plans but at least if they are aware what the choices are they may be more agreeable when the time comes it is not if but when.
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I'd listen to Ed's advice, but if they really need someone to live in the same house with them, they will just have to move in with you so you can do the caregiving (provided you want them in your house).
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Anne123 I couldnt agree with you more. Unfortunatley, our society isn't too keen on the idea of discussing end of life issues. It is so important. Like you said, hopefully, the conversations begin early before there is a need, but if that's not the case you can only start from where you are.
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The only thing I could add to all the creative and helpful comments above is.....Keep the conversation "alive"----that is, the conversation with your parents about the issue of their physical decline and "what are we going to do." I found in our case that if I allowed this topic to die on the vine, my parents were only too happy to oblige. I read somewhere that a topic like this should be brought up again.....and again.... with elderly parents, every so often. Our parents need time to process this whole situation and accept this changing aspect of their lives. Pushing and pressing them doesn't work, at least in my experience. But gently bringing up the topic and discussing it together often does. Honestly, carefully, and respectfully reflecting back to your parents what you see in them as far as their physical decline does help, we found......This helps our parents to see the reality. And as someone said here, it is so true that eventually, with the passage of time, the necessary solution and "path" will become more clear to you. For sure, it does help to prepare and/or act before a great crisis suddenly erupts.
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One option that I have not seen discussed is the use of a Geriatric Care Manager, or Case Manager. This is a person who could be hired locally in your mom's area that can be your eyes and ears, as well as helping your mom link to needed services. The services are frequently paid for by medicaid/medicare and some private insurances. Services can be as little as the case manager checking in on your mom from time to time or monitoring the services that have been put into place.
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6 HOURS:

They don't want to move yet realize they need help. You don't want to move either, and need all the help you can get. Instead of meeting each other halfway and working out a care plan or win-win situation that benefits everyone, it sounds like you're having an eyeball-to-eyeball contest to see who blinks first, and it shouldn't be like that.

For now I only see three options:

(1) Stay where you are, see they're tended to, and visit every now and then;
(2) Move in with them as a caregiver (hopefully they won't charge you for room and board);
(3) Let them fend for themselves because there's someone else who needs you more (your child), and live with the guilt of not knowing for sure if you did the right -- and smart -- thing.

-- ED
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If your parents are able, sit down with them and have a conversation about what they need to stay in their home with help from the community and you being a long distance caregiver. See if there is a share the care program or go online to lotsa helping hands to try to schedule assistance they need. The Area Agency on Aging should be able to direct you to the local RSVP for volunteers and for any assistance with senior services Then agree on what circumstances will determine that they can no longer stay in their home and where they wish to be if assisted living or a nursing facility is needed. Have them and their home evaluated for activities of daily living and safety and accessibility. Sometimes adult services through the county can do this. Let them be in control, but guide them through the pros and cons. Write down their wishes. Hopefully this will help keep them at home a little longer and make it easier for you. Good luck.
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TIPPING POINT - here's something you might think about, just prepare, prepare, prepare as much as you can for a time when they will live with you or you will move.

This means 2-years worth of income saved up, credit cards paid off, extra emergency cash, job skills for new area, etc. etc. Power of Attorneys signed, wills done, know where the bank account info is, you're beneficiary, etc. Set up some aides to visit them.

When the time is ready, the decision will work itself out. In essence I had done this, but I wish I had saved more, prepared documents better, etc. My own father was fine with his second wife at his home for 10 years. Then his body started to give out. At 85 he landed up in the hospital. After a 3-6 month recovery, we moved him in with us. It took that significant of an event to make the transition.
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if no one of you want to move, don't do it. your mom need an assisting living facility, home care services or a nursing home and you continue visiting her as you have done until now. nobody can force you to move. just if she get worst you as least maybe can visit her monthly or what ever is convenient for you? keep in contact with her and with her doctor.
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