What can we do about our neighbor who is only angry towards us and won't let it go?

Dear Debbie,

Its so good of you to help your 83 year old neighbor. Its not your fault she is being rude now. I know its easier said than done, but don't take it too personally. I think you are right and maybe she is suffering from something. What if she is not taking her meds properly? Or not eating or drinking enough? Or there is some dementia as well. Sorry to hear her daughter doesn't visit but if you fear for her well being, I would call Adult Protective Services to check on her welfare. Don't be afraid to involve a social worker. It won't hurt to have an outside person check on her to show her that maybe she needs more help and living alone is not an option anymore.

Yes, call APS.

She may have a UTI, which can cause psychiatric symptoms in elders. You don't have her daughter's phone number, do you?

Sounds like they've already tried the daughter and been given the brush-off? But worth another go, with greater stress on the urgency of the situation.

Does the over-55s community have some sort of administrator or residents' committee you could approach discreetly for advice?

Sorry, also an afterthought: if you did manage to get hold of the daughter earlier, is it possible that she contacted her mother and told her she'd had a call from you, and her mother resented it, and they had a good laugh at your expense but the mother has been left feeling riled about it? Slightly self-defeating way to respond to kind neighbourly concern; but one can imagine the mother being keen to deny there being a problem and the daughter being equally to keen to assume there's nothing wrong.

Since this started suddenly 3 weeks ago, she really should be checked for a UTI. Obviously it is not your responsibility to make that happen, but it might be something to mention if you speak to her daughter or APS.

Can you avoid being on your porch at the time she usually walks her dog? This is not a permanent solution, but perhaps it would minimize the conflict for now.

This sort of supports the theory that no good deed goes unpunished, doesn't it?

debbie605, wow, I had to check to make sure this wasn't my mother. Always some perceived injury on the boil. I get the sense you're still open to working on it, sounds like she could use the friendship? You may have tried already, but I would have a short script ready, ask her if you can talk to her about this... We felt like it would be a kind thing to make sure you are OK if something seems off – that's what I would like if I were older and living alone; was that not a good idea, you seemed to like us interacting with you on some kind of basis? I also might have a written note ready to hand the daughter next time she's over and is leaving, saying that mom seems OK overall and it's a shame she's been mad at you, but you sense a certain pervasive anxiety that could indicate distress, she may want someone coming in to check on mom when she can't be there, again, humbly that it is something you would want someone to say. Finally, her grumbles each morning may be a form of checking in, showing her face to someone. What a pistol! Thanks for being kind to her.

My 90 year old mother and 60 year old brother suffered a similar situation. For years, their 70-year old neighbor was very pleasant; then she turned on them. She would make accusations toward my brother when he would get home from work ... about seeing him looking in her window and called the police on several occasions. My mother and brother would get home from an outing and find their neighbor sitting on their back porch, leaving immediately when she heard them walk in the house. Their lawn was dying in a strange design as if someone was pouring something on it. This went on for years. The water would be turned on at the side of the house and left running. The police couldn't and wouldn't do anything without proof. I went to talk to her to no avail. Finally, one night another neighbor saw this neighbor spraying something on my mother's lawn and called her on it. She went scampering back to her house. At that point, we brought her back to court where the judge asked her if it was true and she said "yes, but"... That's all the judge needed to hear - he would not hear of any excuses. Her daughter was at court with her and, long story short, they decided to pay damages out of court. Her daughter said her mother told us that my brother was doing all these things to her mother's home, not the reversed. Obviously, her mother was suffering from some kind of dementia and within a couple of months the daughter moved her mother out of her house. It was a nightmare for years. Sorry to say, this really won't help you end the problem but maybe if you could get in touch with her daughter to explain the situation, it might end sooner than ours did. Good luck.

I would call the police. Not to be ugly, but so there is a record.

Also, if they deem the neighbor cannot or should not be living on her own, they can then contact someone to check on her and evaluate her.

What she is doing is harassment, regardless of her physical condition. While I laud your attempts at making her life better (food, etc) - perhaps it would be better if you curtail your efforts. Leave her bushes alone and stop bringing her food.

God forbid she dies and someone accuses you of poisoning her. Or harassing her. You really don't need the extra grief.

I know you are concerned about her welfare, and it sounds as if she has dementia of some sort. I suppose all you can do is stay away from her and don't feed into it. Maybe you could call her daughter or someone in her family, and let them know how she is acting. Next thing you know, her house will burn down with her in it. She needs help. Good luck

Perhaps she had a stroke? Generally speaking we have two choices. Police or medical authority. I think I would call Area on Aging and ask for them to check on her. It may be the notice the daughter needs to realize mom needs help.
If it continues ( especially if it escalates) then you may need to speak to the police. If you are answering back, it's an argument. If she is doing all the rough talking, then it's considered harassment.
I'm sure it's unpleasant. If she is predictable on when she is going to walk by, maybe you can avoid her?
My aunts neighbor was visiting aunt one day and started speaking gibberish. Aunt called neighbors daughter. Neighbor was angry with aunt for a long time for the call. Didn't want her daughters to know. Relationships carry responsibilities that aren't always easy to manage. You sound like a good neighbor. She might need medical care she isn't getting.

There is not a whole lot you can do. Just leave her alone for awhile. I would put it on the daughter. Notify her daughter and tell her your concerns.

My mom has Alzheimer's. When she lived alone, her behavior was getting more bizarre. She literally became the crazy old lady on the block. Everyone starting calling me; the police, the neighbors, relatives, etc. Every one kept telling me "I had to do something about mom". Sounds like its daughters time to step in.

Also if she keeps coming on your porch yelling at you. Call the police, tell them you are concerned about the neighbor. That way they have a record.

It does sound like dementia and, if it is, there's nothing you can do or say to this woman to change the "reality" that's in her head. My mother was accusing neighbors of stealing dirt and rocks from her yard for years before I understood what was going on. It didn't matter how many times I tried explaining why no one would want her dirt because they had plenty of their own, etc.. If her daughter doesn't see her mother much she may not realize what's going on. I was long distance until I moved my mother closer to me and then I realized exactly what the situation was. It's not fun to deal with someone like this even if there's a medical reason for it. Best of luck!

What I would do is catch some of the activity on multiple videos, especially if you happen to have security cameras. Video evidence goes pretty far these days, have someone in the background recording video as this happens. Anytime one of you and your household steps outside, have someone else in the background also from your household secretly recording and make sure you pick up not only video, but audio in that video. Next, take it to the APS then the building manager. I would take it to the APS first before the manager because then you can say there's already a report about her with the APS. Another good idea is to take this video to the cops and make another report with them so they can also see the video for themselves, especially if this has been going on for quite a while. 

If  and only if nothing is done to remedy the problem, perhaps you can start uploading some of those videos to YouTube and social media. Enough of those videos on a daily basis will grab the attention of the proper people who should get involved if you post where this is happening. Someone out there is able to help remedy this problem, which is why I would go the social media route. I know if given the situation and no one was helping to remedy the problem, I would definitely go the social media route and upload some videos to grab someone's attention because you shouldn't have to be the one to pack up and move. If she's done this to you, more than likely she's done this to someone else and will likely keep doing this to others in the future. It sounds to me like she's being very abusive and she needs to be stopped because abusive cycle never just stops on its own and in some cases like this one, the abuser must be removed from the situation

Don't pay any attention to this bastard

People that ignore parents don't appreciate calls from people telling them that parents need help. I assume you have a housing association? I would contact them and tell them what is going on and ask that they call the daughter and explaining that her Mom may need to see a doctor.

This woman definitely has on set of demitia to say the least. May be some depression going on. Have the community call daughter and let them know there has been a marked change in her disposition.
She needs to see a Dr that can give her testing to see if there is medication that can help her in early stages of demitia.
Let them know when they talk to daughter that she not mention demitia etc. Just talk with her get a feel for her mental status then have her
Recommend a physical sunce the daughter is not there to make sure she is doing ok

RN

Call APS.

I feel sorry for you and her. Keep a little record of the things she is doing. You might also want to video her with your phone once or twice. Just to protect yourself in case she claims something. I think I would continue to do some of the outside stuff for her but no more meals. One last thought is she obviously identifies with her dog or she would not be walking it. Maybe a way to her heart or head would be a small toy for her dog.