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*Starrysky, Thank you for your input. And you are so right, I have to do ONE big communication but it will really be my 3rd attempt to get her to leave me alone.
I think she knows that if something was wrong with me my husband would tell her so it has to fall back on her. Awful. I want my life back and will get it back real soon.
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Brandywine, Thank you! Your words were healing 'I wish I was there to help you' means the world. Countrymouse, You are wise as I do believe she does not know that she has caused my life to be interrupted, questioned, mooched upon, scheduled, infringed upon, all at her own leisure. Her insensitive presence is nothing but a nuisance..
I really thought I was crystal clear by telling her over the phone that I can NOT talk with her on a regular basis. She sounded really sad and then said 'I care, I really care'. and then I said thank you but I can't keep doing this. I said that with a real irritated voice after she woke me up for the 2nd time while I was taking a nap while I had the flu. Just typing that out makes my blood boil. If I see her tomorrow while I work in my own yard I will tell her my schedule is so busy. I've already told her that and since she has nothing to do all day she assumes I do not either. These feelings I have remind me so much of a stalker boyfriend that just would not leave me alone for over 10 years. He finally found someone else to irritate. This stalker is an 84 year old woman. Sometimes at night I think about her age and feel sorry for her but in reality I just can't take it. I pray to God I have to a conclusion on this this week. My deepest wish is that she would just let go and go about her life but I feel I will have to face this head on AGAIN. UGH.
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As hard as it will be, it is important to have ONE communication with the neighbor where you tell her you won't be available to her anymore. Just withdrawing and cutting contact will as you are seeing result in a very long drawn out process of her making attempts and it may take a very long time for this to truly stop. If you've made it quite clear in person or by letter for documentation - and she continues that's when the gloves come off regarding official action like anti-harrassment orders. It's sad that being an open-hearted kind person can sometimes lead to situations like this with people who take as much advantage as they can.
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Good.

The thing is, remember, your neighbour doesn't actually know what the problem is. She may not even have grasped that you have a problem with her - clearly there is a problem, and she's trying to find out what it is, but she doesn't realise she's the cause of it. I know it is going to be hard, and I feel that for someone as kind as you are by nature it is going to be really hard, but you are going to have to spell out for her in simple terms that you will not put up with her getting underfoot, getting in your face, sticking her nose into your personal business, day in day out from dawn to dusk and beyond. It is too much, and she has driven you away.

So, that's why I say "good" - it is good that you are planning to speak to her and her son. Don't forget that the length of time this has been going on, and the extremes she's gone to, have wound you up to quite a pitch. But, for example, calling at 8:15? Crackers, I agree - but she doesn't even know that you're ok, don't forget. What would you do if someone you (however irrationally) thought was your friend suddenly vanished off the radar and never got back to you? She has no idea what is going on, and clearly lacks the basic social and neighbourly insight to get there by herself. You'll have to help her.

Be REALLY clear, but be as kind as possible without being ambiguous. And remember that she is her children's problem when it comes to emotional and social support, not yours. I hope it'll go well, and normality will return. Best of luck x
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Daughter, I wish I was there to help you. Also get new locks. Instead of wishing and praying please do something for yourself. She isn't likely to get some sense in her. You have to change your part. Waiting for her to change is futile.
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looloo, Thank you for your suggestion. I will confront her son and her before I talk to the law..The woman creeps me out. I have already told her that I can't talk to her on a daily basis and that is ignored. I believe in time she will stop bugging me but if she starts calling me in the morning and waking me up early I will be pissed. Sometimes I have a restless night and need to sleep in and if I hear her voice on the other end I will go bonkers especially because when I get woken up I can't go back to sleep. Please God make this woman stop the madness. . I have been hiding out in my own home. It feels better than having to deal with her.. The pushy noisy invasive stuff is something I do not want in my future and I am making it stop now.. I just pray she can talk her situation over with someone and they say to her 'Why don't you just leave that girl alone if she does not return your phone calls.. Please God put some sense in this woman so she can find something, anything else to do besides harass. Her just being herself feels like harassment.
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Daughter, I agree with looloo, the police should be alerted so that in the future you might want to get a restraining order. But first block her number. Please don't be afraid to go outside to do whatever. Just go and if she tries to engage you just ignore her, like she is not there. Don't ever have her over for meals, tea, etc. Possibly contact your council on aging to see if they have any suggestions. Put up dark curtains, but at times just have them open. If you don't then you are just playing her games. Pretend she doesn't exist. If she contacts you when you are outside, say this: Leave me alone. Then write it down on a piece of paper, when you said it and what day. Repeat as many times as necessary. You sound like a nice person. I used to be like that. But one has to set boundaries in order to have a good life.
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daughterof4 -- have you considered just dropping by your local law enforcement, and letting them know what's going on? Not necessarily to file a complaint at this point, but maybe it would be prudent to give them the background. You're thinking of blocking her number (which sounds good to me), but as much as you're reducing contact bit by bit, she sounds like she might be escalating things on her end. If you do need to take further action w/law enforcement, it might be good to fill them in now. You might also feel better for having talked to people who are experienced at this sort of thing.
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Another update. The calls are not stopping. Today I left my home early to work at my daughter's home and I noticed my noisy neighbor called at 8:15 A.M. That is way too early to call anyone unless you know for sure their schedule. I feel livid inside. Sometimes I want to sleep in and do not want to be bothered. I should feel free to sleep in as long as I want without my neighbor wanting to know what I am doing. Out of hand to say the least. Next step in to turn phone off and if that does not work I will block her number. I did not want it to get to this because I know how important a watchful neighbor is but this is crazy making. Thanks for letting me rant, I feel horrible inside, horrible that she keeps on doing what she is doing. I would certainly get the hint.
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Thank you for these wonderful comments. Years ago I was having a hard time with life. I just needed someone to listen to me, not do any tasks or errands but just listen and care.. I know how important that is to a person's well being and I tried doing this for my neighbor but it has back fired. I'm also glad there is a lot of great support on the internet to help with decision making. Sometimes people just need to talk to help them come to a conclusion on where to go next, listening to different ideas is always helpful. I think each and everyone of us have been on the receiving end of rejection and know how painful that is, so me knowing how painful it is and having to do it brought me a lot of pain but now looking at it, I feel better inside. With my neighbor constantly calling me even after I don't pick up or call her back, she is forcing me to see her name, she is making sure that I see her name and still having to deal with her. Typical stalker behavior. Like she is saying 'You will not ignore or reject me', you are going to deal with me as long as I say so. That is one of the things that is so awful about a stalker, they force them self on you in anyway they can and most don't care if it's a rejection as long as you have to deal with them and give them some attention. I need freedom for this woman in the worst way.
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One of the things I learned from a relationship I had with a work colleague was that emotional vampires like your neighbor will latch onto anyone who will pay attention to them. So when you say, "I have to find out what it is that I have done or is doing to make her think I was born to be her care giver", the only thing you did was respond. It has nothing to do with you personally or what a great person you are. You are a warm body to her. And when you quit responding, she'll turn to the next warm body she can find.

I tried to help another work colleague understand this idea when my work emotional vampire got the message that I wouldn't help her, so she turned to my other work friend. My other work friend is a very caring woman, so felt an obligation to help, like she was the only one who could help. I eventually got her to understand that our vampire would just move on to some other person when she declined to help. And she did. And so will your neighbor. So stay strong!
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daughterof4 -- I think you're doing the right thing by continuing no further communication. It's a very difficult thing to do, but to do otherwise would be backsliding and un-doing the progress you're making so far.
Don't blame yourself at all for being nice at first, or thinking that maybe there's some wiggle room for being civil, since you're neighbors. There isn't! She's unhinged, plain and simple. What's that famous quote from Maya Angelou? "When people show you who they are, believe them!" So true!!
I'm sorry that you have this unbelievably awful situation, but I think you're doing all the right things.
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Thank you blannie. Just as I was going about my day today, my neighbor has been calling my phone but not leaving a message. You would think she would get tired of calling an answering machine. I noticed that after she calls and I see her name on the called ID my nerves get frazzled and I want to eat something. I'm trying to lose a few pounds and this is not helping. I feel irritated, annoyed, mad and even sad that she can not just stop. Even though I don't answer the phone I feel I having to deal with her because her name appears on my called ID and when I see her name I want to run far away. Not sure if I want to reestablish my boundries or cut her off completely. She has caused enough annoyance in my life that I want cut free for ever but since she is my neighbor my goal is to have a tolerable working relationship. It might not be possible with her, I give a foot and she demands 100 miles.. There has to be something or someone besides me to occupy her day..My husband and I have full schedules and her giving us tasks to do is not only rude but very invasive, plus the son is there so he can do them when he gets off from work. I guess this really hits a nerve with me because my mother did the same thing with my brother and it ends up in total disaster.. I have to find out what it is that I have done or is doing to make her think I was born to be her care giver. I have taken so much slack but it is now ended. The complete ignoring her has a right feeling about it, before I was pained because it was hard to do to anyone but it had to be done.. Now if she could just leave me alone completely I would be very happy.
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It's almost like you're under siege, but I'm glad you're starting to feel some peace. She'll just move on to the next person once she realizes you're not going to engage with her. Or best case scenario they'll move again and she'll talk about the "lousy next door neighbors" if she's asked why she moved. :)
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Update. I have not answered my phone or the door when my noisy neighbor has tried to make contact. I have not turned on my office light so she has no idea that I'm home. I have added new curtains so she can't tell all that is going on. I noticed my noisy neighbor had her daughter and son in law over. I was so glad to see her daughter visiting, but she only stays for one day.. I have stopped working in my front yard to avoid her and spend that extra time working in the side and back yards. I will work in my front yard when more time goes by. Yesterday was the first day in a LONG time that she did not try to call. I felt my peace and privacy returning and I started feeling that deep down calm feeling. Thank you all for the suggestions.
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to understate the problem, this neighbor has a screw(s) loose.
I am not even sure trying to gradually throw this womans yokes off will work, may have to be cold turkey.
Legally, and I'm not sure how you could do it, perhaps an order of protection? It may well be that eventually the state will have to come in and sort it out as sonny boy probably won't do a d*mn thing.
might be worth looking into.
just remember with classical vampires: they can't come in unless you invite them. and this vamp sounds like she is whacko

two cents ¢¢
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Great suggestions Tesoro12. Just a few minutes ago as I read your message the phone was ringing, I looked on my caller ID and yes it was my pesky neighbor. She has to plug into me in any form she can get, like she sucks my life energy so she can live. It's work putting up walls to keep her out but it feels better than taking the wall down and talking with her..I have in the past said 'Ask your son to do it' and she said he has a sore hand. I then said 'Then he can use the other hand', she walked away all huffy and then the next day came over and said 'The Dr. said he is not to use his other hand for any reason. Her son is working full time so I know he is using one of his hands.. My husband and I both have problems with our hands but still keep up with things.
My neighbor's husband died early when he was in the middle 60s, she has not dated or ever remarried. I thought she would have learned something from his death but the way she talks about grief or death is so spiritually immature. She is not comforting or soothing in anyway.
When my husband is mowing the yard and the noisy neighbor comes outside to talk, he turns off the mower so he can hear her noise. I asked him to stop doing this because it is robbing us of TIME. We have a full schedule even on week ends and her making noise and him stopping everything to listen to the noise is wasting time and rude of her to try and talk with him as he is mowing. Oh yes the madness has to end. It's as if she is a 2 year old and screaming Give Me Give Me and you are forced to deal with it. Just me making the decision to not talk with her has freed my brain to go on with life. The extreme neediness is awful and could be dealt with so much easier in a Skilled nursing facility. My mother age 90 is living in a skilled nursing facility where she is among others for socialization. My mother eats her meals in her bedroom because she said 'Some of the other residents have eating habits that are not too appetizing.' My mother goes to the gym everyday, plays Bingo, goes to the music entertainment they have and lately she is going to Sunday service. What a great difference this has made with her.. My mother has gone from one foot in the grave to thriving all because she was lonesome and now has more than enough company. My mother grew up in Germany during the Nazi times and has first hand stories about that time. There are students now that come and visit her on a regular basis and ask her about her time there. I was told there maybe a short film made on her life. Imagine that my mom a movie star at age 90! I will ask God to please make my neighbor not afraid to go into a retirement home and let her healing begin.
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You poor thing, Dof4. That would drive me bonkers, to have a stalker like that next door. Well, I don’t know if any of these will help, but here goes:

Change your locks. Those people are just plain weird, and I agree with blannie that weird ones sometimes go off the rails. These neighbors don’t respect your boundaries. There’s no way I would want someone like those two to have a key to my home. Oh, and give her back the key to her house. You can just say that your daughter is your go-to person now, and has your new key. I wouldn’t even ask for the old key back. Just tell her you got new locks, and daughter has the key. When she asks why you did this, don’t explain, or just say something breezy like “Oh, I just thought it was a good idea.” If she’s offended, oh well. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Maybe her getting a little offended will help draw those boundaries you so desperately need.

When she catches you outside, ignore her, or just tell her, “I don’t feel well. Sorry, but I really need my quiet today.” When she persists, stand up, look her in the eye, and say “I don’t feel well. I need to be alone”. And then ignore. Go to the other side of the yard. Walk away when she’s mid-sentence. Repeat as often as necessary. Don’t worry about appearing rude. SHE is being rude by ignoring your request for privacy. At that point, you don’t owe her politeness any more.

When she asks you or hubby to do something, just say, “No, we can’t, sorry, but I’m sure your son can take care of that”. And then leave. Repeat as often as necessary. And you both should be refusing her, by the way. If she learns you won’t help her, but hubby will, then that’s where she’ll go. She’s a user, plain and simple. So both of you get on the same page and give her the same answer: “No, sorry, we can’t do that.” When she complains that her son can’t do it because X, Y, or Z, say, “Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you’ll figure it out/I’m sure you’ll come up with something/I’m sure the Bible has an answer.” And again, leave.

You’re exactly right, though. You’re the one in control here, and you’re the only one that can change it. Good luck!
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GardenArtist, I'm not sure the police would come out for the complaint of 'A huge bug a boo'. The situation is out of hand because I have not stood my ground. The deep hurt I feel is partly because I feel sorry for her being lonesome. My heart is torn but the situation is not healthy. I want and need my private time and she was monopolizing all of it. I need to regroup and have complete silence in the mornings so I can continue to do my jobs. Some people have constant noise going 24/7 but I have to have complete quiet. My noisy neighbor is NOISE for me. She talks and talks about nothing and it just sounds like noise. It's like having a person standing in front of you and blasting a radio full strength. I saw a show one time about an elderly woman that had murdered several people and buried them in her back yard. I think this happened in San Francisco. I have to remind myself that just because she is elderly does not mean she is not dangerous. Demanding that I listen and spend time with her when I clearly ignore her phone calls and avoid going out side to avoid her tells her to back off but with her continuing to demand I pay attention to her is either bipolar or some other mental illness. Most healthy people know when someone is not interested in having them in their life.
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Thanks for the laugh countrymouse! Yes, we were just a step from having her in our beds but she has tried to wiggle in my skin, I have to pick her out like a tick. I needed that laugh.
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If you can't get up the nerve to confront your neighbor, perhaps you could contact the local law enforcement authorities and ask them to intervene. That'll take the issue of confronting her directly out of your hands and the police intervention will shake her up, although she'll likely be furious at you afterwards. Perhaps that would be a good thing.

This situation is dragging you down. Somehow you need to take action because you won't feel comfortable until the situation is corrected. And the sooner the better.
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"My deepest prayer is that my neighbors daughter will come get her mother and have her live closer so they can do things together." YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So why the blazes hasn't she????

I really, really feel for you. Having to harden your hearts - and you absolutely DO have to or you'll find her in your bed at this rate demanding sleepy-time stories - must be so hard for both of you. Get those kids to take better care of their mother!
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Countrymouse, I just spent 2 years remodeling my home to get it exactly how I want it. This location is great and my daughter lives 10 minutes away.. The thought has crossed my mind. My neighbor is a gigantic bug a boo, a pest, irritating and demanding and I know she is hurt that I have cut her off but I just could not take the entire being of who she is. I felt so emotionally sucked after being around her that I felt like drinking a bottle of whiskey and I don't drink alcohol, but I do have one Bailey's & cream around Christmas time. :) Today I need to work in my front garden but have decided not to, it stresses me out to keep saying 'no' over and over again like I'm dealing with my 3 year old kids asking over and over again for things. My deepest prayer is that my neighbors daughter will come get her mother and have her live closer so they can do things together. My neighbor has a TV but not a computer. I so wish she could entertain herself. My neighbor wants to do things with my daughter but my daughter does not feel any connection either. Years ago my son met a woman at our Church that was newly widowed and asked if she could have dinner with us. She became part of our family for 20 years, you will see her picture in all our family pictures. She was part of our family up until her death. My family loved her and appreciated her. Since my grandmother lived with us growing up I have a huge appreciation and love for the elderly and I love the wisdom a lot of people over 75 have. So with all that in my background, it makes it twice as hard to ignore my noisy neighbor. Actually noisy would be ok, the invasive and intruding part drives me crazy and when my husband is off from work she gives him all kinds of tasks to do and we have plenty of our own that we need to keep up with. My husband has a kind nature so he just does it but he is feeling resentful because we know our neighbors son can do most of it. I want to knock him over his head with his Bible. I know this sounds petty but the son looks and sounds just like Lance Armstrong. Gets on my nerves.
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This situation reminds me so much of the English sitcom "Keeping Up Appearances." The main difference being that living next door to Hyacinth in the show is the source of humor, and living next door to such a person in real life is not.
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I'm not sure Dof4 would like the idea of completely blanking her neighbour. Because, after all, they are neighbours and Dof4 would very much prefer to be a good neighbour. The trouble is she needs some way of resetting the boundaries to "normality" instead of this "human limpet" state of affairs - easier said than done, of course.

I suppose moving house is out of the question..??? :)
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Thank you all for so many great opinions and comments..I agree that they are both odd.. They both are very intense. I know many people are and some people are ok being around intense nervous people but it makes me feel uneasy. And I understand all too well what blannie wrote about the son going off.. And I have told my husband that inside that Bible is probably some porn! Ha so that made me laugh..I am careful around the both of them. Yes, this particular neighbor is the one with my keys and code to my garage door. When I hear her talk she talk about all the homes they have lived in for the past few years. I have asked them why they move so much and she said it was because the neighborhoods got so bad.. I think both the mother and son are burned out on each other. It is very selfish for a mother to keep her son stuck in a co-dependent relationship and not show him how to grow and take care of himself. .
I wish my neighbor could find a friend that moves as slow as she does. It takes her 20 minutes to get in and out of the car..If that was the only problem I could deal with it but she has a lot of turmoil going on and that part just drains me, she will say that 'nobody knows when I have a problem' and I want to say 'Of course people know, you wear it like clothes. She is not authentic and I think that is what wears me out the most.
I thought about wearing headphones but when I'm outside I really need to listen for on coming cats, dogs, and wild creatures. Even though I live in a city we still get all kinds of wild animals that I have to be open and aware of, plus if someone comes behind me I can be more prepared. But I have seriously thought about the headphones. I think it's unfair that I have to spend money on HER annoying behavior. She simply needs to stop so everything can restore to peace. My husband said that he thinks it's ok if she calls me 3 times a week instead of everyday and I said to him, Do you want her calling you at your work 3 times a day? And to that he said HELL NO. Ok then. I should ask my mother to do me a big favor and call my neighbors son 3xs a day at his work.. Just had to type that to release some anguish. And yes looloo, I will make peace with that awkward uncertain feeling before I get assertive..
Bottom line, If my elderly neighbor was fun loving and light hearted I could take much more and do much more with her.. If she did not argue or talked politics (ranting on and on about how this country is ran) or give me blow by blow details of each and every word her doctors have said I maybe able to take a smidgin more but H*LL NO, I have put my time in. I can look at this as another experience and situation that I never want to get into. And I want to say that I appreciate each and everyone of you that have put in your 2 cents. I have read each comment twice and I'm taking all the advice and moving forward. . I hope to contribute to this board and help others as you have so wonderfully helped me. Amen.
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I'll pass along one other thing I learned on another support board: Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). This is one of my weaknesses, and you seem so good-hearted, it may help you too. When I can't or don't want to do something, I feel that I have to offer all sorts of 'reasons' or explanations why. Like I need to explain WHY I can't do something. I am learning that users like your neighbors are really good and punching through those explanations. So don't give them any. Just say, "No, I can't do that." Period. It will feel SO awkward at first, but I am working hard at doing this. I don't owe anyone any explanations for WHY I do or don't do things, and you don't either. So, short and sweet, and just leave the silence lay there. My guess is that they'll soon find someone else to use once your usefulness dries up.
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The advice about drawing boundaries is good. I'll throw in: DON'T engage at all, with either the woman OR her son. It will NOT help.
And DO expect some ugliness to occur, and know that this is not your fault. Get acquainted with your new buddies: that awkward uncertain feeling, right before you assert yourself! Followed by resistance, rudeness, and maybe some mild retaliation. It is a bumpy road on the way to reclaiming your life, but well worth it. Hugs :)
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Boy I'd want to get my key back from her if she's the one who has it (you said "noisy neighbor" and I think you meant this nosy woman?). And give her back her key. Figure out a way to do that. You don't want her or her son in your house if you're not there, given her behavior so far.

The "loner" son living with his mom is the classic profile of the guy who goes off some day and does something bad. So not to frighten you, but just be cautious around those two. Having worked in human resources for many years, I'm always wary around people who are outside the normal bell curve of behavior - like they are. Outliers may be perfectly fine, but I will take my time in finding out. In this case you've found out they're both weird on several levels, so stay away!

Another thing you said caught my attention. Being firm about your wants is not being "an ugly person". You're just voicing (kindly) that you can't do what she wants you to do. Being ugly would be saying, "No you stupid cow, I can't do that - why would you presume I could?" But that's not what you're doing. You're just not doing what she wants you to do. That's perfectly OK and in line with being a fine and kind person. Just not a pushover to a pushy, demanding, insensitive, aggressive person.
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Either that, or her son can't stand all the neediness either and has set his own boundaries - maybe he's reading something else with a "Bible" cover on it :-) I do like the idea of having a talk with him about what's going on. If not assisted living, maybe she would do well with a day program or something to occupy her time and tire her out a little.
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