This is an embarrassing question, but has anyone ever neglected to take care of themselves due to stress and exhaustion?

Yogalove, welcome to the club. I am sure there are times when I arrived at my office and had forgotten to comb my hair. Hey, one shower a week is fine, especially now that the weather is much cooler. In-between use Huggies Natural Wipes or walk through a mist of Lysol.

I know I have cut back on the make-up as I just don't feel like doing it, my hand shakes too much for liquid eye liner now, oh what a mess.... as my mind is so overloaded with elder parent stuff and wondering why my parents had been so stubborn.

Even with my parents now both being cared for by paid caregivers, it is still physically and emotionally draining to ones soul as prior to this year I was running here and there for 6 years, juggling my work schedule, and trying to care for two houses. And every time the phone rang I would jump out of my skin wondering who fell this time.

I've looked down at myself and said "oh I guess I haven't showered or dressed today" , oh well...

Also have fell asleep on the couch in my clothes and been woken up by Mom to start my day, so I wore the same clothes again...

No big deal, just to damn busy..

"Whatever".. Who would know anyway..

I don't do the normal self neglect. I shower most days and always have on clean clothes. But I do slide on the makeup unless I'm going somewhere. I mean, like who's going to be looking here?

I am seriously guilty of not going to the doctor. I haven't gotten a new primary since my old one retired three years ago. I know I need to find another, but I always think, "I can do that next week." It's starting to look like I'll be saying the same when I'm 90. It's strange that I go to the dentist more than the doctor. I might die young, but at least my teeth will be sparkling.

You're not alone. In fact I suspect most of the caregivers here share the same concern. The physical aspect is demanding, so is the emotional aspect. I don't think it's at all unusual to be so overwhelmed by both that exhaustion is the result.

And it's not an easy situation to correct. You have to specifically set aside time for yourself, even if it means that some things don't get done for your father. It really involves prioritizing, putting off some things that aren't critical.

Some of the posts I read express exhaustion b/c of all the chores - the daily cleaning, cooking, etc., plus care for a parent. Some of that can easily be spread out: cook enough for a few days one day, same thing next day, then eat leftovers for 2 days with maybe fresh salads and rolls or something like that, and integrate the cleaning on the noncooking days.

I won't schedule more than 2 medical visits per week unless there's an emergency. And I now also schedule some relaxing time so that whatever we do includes a blend of "work" as well as pleasurable activity, with a mix of critical path activities as well as noncritical ones. Otherwise, I get too stressed out.

And of course I leave time for Internet play on my days off.

Yogalove, I can relate and I is not fun. You get so focused on chores, tasks, and needs of the moment, that you can't really relax. It's much too stressful. My issue is that I was too worried to sleep. I hardly ever got tired, until months later, when I fell apart.

When my loved one first became in dire need of help due to dementia, I had to drop everything, even though I was self employed. When this happens, you know all the things you have to attend to as DPOA and HCPOA, doctor visits, financial plans, household upkeep, insurance, bills, utilities caught up, cleaning, attorneys, etc.

I was so stressed out trying to do the job of 3 people that I really caused myself problems. As soon as the major crisis was over, my body started falling apart. I had a terrible dental abscess, root canal, my eye got infected, my hip went out, my psoriasis flared up, my stomach started making this horrible sounds, and I ended up losing about 40 pounds, though that was welcomed. The rest of the aliments were not.

I now know to not allow a situation of caretaking to overwhelm me like that. It's not worth it. Someone else can help or do the work. It's an unkind thing to do to yourself and I won't do it again. Sometimes we learn the hard way.

Can't you get some help? The job you are doing is very challenging. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so very much, everyone! I'm so sorry it took me this long to respond. We had a very difficult week and I haven't been able to get online very much. Freqflyer: you made me laugh with the Lysol comment! I feel the same way these days. I walk around with deodorant in my purse and body spray...which might not actually smell as nicely to other people as it does to me. I know about the phone ringing. My father has been falling a great deal lately, twice last week. I realized that my phone is NEVER off for the very reason you mentioned. I used to take great pains to put on a full face every morning...now, I'm lucky if I can even muster up the energy to put mascara on the second eye. I truly walked around like that one day - only my right eye done. I didn't even care. Assandache7: I feel like I've been wearing the same clothes for weeks. All I can say is: thank God I discovered dry shampoo! JessieBelle: I am the polar opposite of you. I HATE the dentist, but I keep up pretty well with my primary. I suppose this is a good thing because if I become too concerned about this funk I'm in, I can always reach out to her for help. GardenArtist: your suggestions about food preparation are so, so helpful. I'm going to try that this week and see how it goes. I'm so easily overwhelmed these days. I could benefit from being way more proactive about chores. Sunnygirl1: I'm so sorry you suffered such pain as a result of your experience. It sounds awful. I've been very afraid to ask someone to give me a hand because, truth be told, my father is a very difficult man and is hard to like, let alone love. My family members are beyond grateful that I've taken up the task of caring for him, though my sister actually said I look a little worn out so I think she may give me a little reprieve. Thank you so much again everyone for your support. I was starting to really scare myself. I think I need to come up with daily routines so I don't let myself go too much. Small things help, right? I need to remember that when I feel too tired to even lift my arms to wash my hair.

Well, at least now my Jeep resembles its driver.... it hasn't been detailed in years... it took me 7 months to finally run it through a car wash to get the winter mud off of it :P

Neglecting myself? Many, many times. There was a time when I gave in to depression & burnout that my linen closets were full of cases of beer all the way up to the ceiling. The height of my drunkenness were the 3 years mom lived with me. After I moved her out I got tired of being drunk. Been clean for quite a while.

Sounds like depression and even guilt....feeling your work is never done and you cannot take the time? Please take 15 minutes at least for a nice hot shower, wash your hair, even if you do not want to dry it, comb it air dry, and put on some clean pjs and try for once to put dad or mom to sleep and then mentally disconnect and allow yourself to rest and sleep.....I wish you a good nights rest.

Shower daily? Comb hair daily? Change out of my pj's DAILY? Why?

Mom was always scrubbed and wearing fresh clothes... meh, I didn't care about me anymore, just mom. Not a good thing... even after she's been gone 5 months I still find it hard to do those daily tasks. Ugh

Thankfully you have some family in your corner, I am sure it helps, no experience with it, but surely it must?

Yes I smell like the last rose of summer. Some days I have the breath of a desert fox. Lol

I have been "making do" for over 9 years.I have all my pants,socks and underwear in my bathroom.The only thing I go to my closet for is a t shirt.Keeping up with Mother's needs and wants are all I can concentrate on.I'm lucky if I get a shower every 3 days,besides it hurts me to take a shower with my bad shoulders.it used to be that I would'nt leave the house without my make up on...now I could care less.We just have to push ourselves I guess.

I got my wake up call when dad first got really sick in 2010. Now five years later both parents need care and it's easy to forget or blow yourself. His situation back then was a cakewalk compared to now. I'm prone to GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and when I don't pay attention and be diligent to do the things I need to do for all aspects of my health, I find myself in big trouble.

I paid for that dearly with having to be under both breast and thyroid cancer watch during that time. Add on top of that almost daily panic attacks and depression to the point I put my marriage on life support. So far I've managed to dodge those bullets with a lot of help, work and prayer, but it showed me that my needs are not optional unless I'm willing to die, and many caretakers do.

It's not an embarrassing question as you can see many suffer and so relate to you. Perhaps your post is a step in the right direction for you seek the support you need to get you out of the rut and establish a life again.

Can I be honest? Taking care of frail elders can cause a lot of misery. Sometimes when I hear of how rewarding it is, I want to kick the person's butt for saying such an absurdity. It is in no way rewarding for most of it. It is just something that has to be done given the state of elder care at the present time. A huge question is how to keep it from taking over and ruining our lives. I think it is really, really important that we keep ourselves clean and dressed. If others are like me, seeing myself look bad makes me feel worse. And why would I want to feel worse?

My mother is no joy to live with. I really do have to separate myself from her or she would pull me into a pit of despair. She is sick all day every day and it has been that way for years now. I prefer to feel good all day every day, but I can't do it if I'm in that pit of despair.

You know, I don't like waking up in the morning and thinking how things are. I am starting to feel slight nausea a lot now and I know it is just the misery of the house. We have to find ways to pull ourselves out of the misery, either physically or psychologically or it will ruin our lives, IMO.

Hi Yoga, Yep, I fell into that same trap for a while too. Before where I lived in a city, I'd have never even considered going out in public to pick up an item or two without full shower, at least partial make up, fresh clothes each day. "What would people think?" :-) Once moved, sick Sister, Mom, new house-not nice like our old one, so much work there too. DH still in workforce, (so not much help), and expecting a nice home cooked meal for himself every night.

Got to where I'd wash face and bangs in bath sink fast, blow dry the hair around, put on fresh deodorant, base and eye shadow, fresh shirt, same jeans, then just shower every other day. After 2 years of this when I realized it was turning into 2 days in a row of skipping shower, and the jeans were pretty well to where they could stand up by themselves, I decided enough was enough. I made a pack with myself that I would take a hot shower and shampoo every day, and put on clean shirt, socks, unders, no matter if I felt like it or not. In a year, I've only broken the promise twice, and I do feel much better about my situation. The suggestion to make large meals that can be reheated is a good one, one I've started doing that works out better than spending an hour in the kitchen each night when I'm shot. I started doing large casseroles, double batches of chicken, peeling mashing 10 lbs potatoes all at once. All can be tossed on a baking sheet in oven. I also went on line and bought extra jeans and shirts, at least if I can't get to laundry for a bit I have enough clean clothes to get through. Knowing I have the nicer clean clothes to put on also kind of encourages me to get through the shower.

New2this, you definitely have the right idea. And I find getting a new blouse or sweater works wonders for the way I feel. Superficial, I know, but whatever works for us is good.

Now if I could only justify a new car... :-D

It sounds to me like you are experiencing depression. I've been there. As for other aspects of neglect-I have neglected seeing my own doctor. I haven't been to the dentist for a couple of years. I have neglected taking the normal tests that woman are supposed to have. It's a good thing I eventually took those tests because they found a problem! Just do the best you can and know that you are not alone.

The constant tension and worry causes us to shortchange ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Start with small improvements. If depression is bogging you down, give yourself permission to stop "toughing it out" and seek help.

Well its certainly understandable when you are exhausted with caregiving that the last thing you want to do is try and look pretty or handsome whichever the case may be. But neglecting your health is not something that you should ever do. Look at it this way. You are so tired cause you are wanting to take good care of your parents or whomever. Well if you get sick who is gonna look after them?

Jeanette, I'm not sure I recognised it at the time, but this was me. And reading all the posts now, makes me a little bit sad that we neglect ourselves so. My mum is now in an ALF and I'm slowly starting to take of myself again - though it's hard to remember how to at times.

I actually think its OK to feel too tired exhausted fed up pissed off totally to b other with some things. I do wash every day - I usually shower at stupid o'clock in the morning but just now and then - when the devil takes me I spend an hour with my feet in a foot spa a face pack on and lovely perfume sprayed around. Why? Haven't a clue but its like I NEEEEEEEEEED it and I have to say I feel wonderful for it. I also find that however much of a drudge it may be for you keeping the house as clean and tidy and sweet smelling as I can makes a huge difference to how I feel. And on that note....I better do some cleaning!!

Gershun, how true that is if we get sick then what. Had my annual physical last week and the doctor asked if I had my annual mammogram?... saw my Oncologist this year?.... had a required colonoscopy done?... saw the Dermatologist?.... saw my Cardiologist for needed tests?... dentist?.... it was no, no, no.... did see the eye doctor :)

My doctor just didn't understand when one has one elder parent that's a lot of waiting rooms to be sitting. Now try two elder parents. Heck my Mom last year at 96 had a mammogram done with me waiting with her the whole time, and after the fact her saying "they don't know what they are doing". Well, its been taking two x-ray techs to help Mom because she is so frail and sometimes they have new machines which my Mom doesn't like. Her GYN says that Mom insisted on getting them even when the doctor said she didn't need to keep going.

Does anyone else have the thought running in their minds that they don't want to get old? After watching my father and now my mother go through long, miserable marches through the grave, I dread the thought of living to a ripe old age. When I hear that I need to do this and that so I can live a long, long time, all I think is meh. Why would I want to live long enough to see my mind evaporate like I saw in both my parents? I just pray the Lord grants me good enough health until poof! it's all over.

That is a bit of a depressing sounding thought, but it wasn't meant to be. Until someone finds a cure for dementia that seems to run strongly in my family, I really don't want to live a long life. It is probably because what I've seen in my parents is the last 10-15 years is just a long death without much fun.

Something hard about being older ourselves is that we spend such a large part of our lives taking care of our parents, then we have very few good years (if any) left for ourselves. We really owe it to ourselves to pick ourselves up each day and enjoy life as much as possible that day and not say we are going to enjoy life after our parents are gone. Since people seem to live forever now, no matter how unhealthy they are, we can't put off enjoying our own lives and taking care of our needs.

Hi JessieBelle I certainly don't want to live to a big age. Likewise many of my friends who have watched elders decline over many years. I think many people (not all by any mens) become victims of old age. It seems to me that modern medicine prolongs life beyond the point at which people should pass on.

I have found that Febreze can work as a body deodarant(only use this on myself).I relate to being to tired to take a shower myself,just brushing my teeth is another chore.Trying to remember if I took my own meds.Haven't seen a dentist in 2 yrs. and the last MD I saw was a doc in the box for my finger that my poodle bit.I did at least get a tetanus shot.Currently trying to diet which is actually doing well all things considered. But yes I relate to the "just as long as mom is clean/dry/medicated/fed/in bed/ no falls then I don't care if I am not clean/dry/medicated/fed/in bed and I am fairly certain I didn't fall but almost.

You are all so great! ohJude, timbuktu, I love febreze! freqflyer, your post read my mind! It's a full time job to stay healthy and well groomed. Then add preventative health care. I already have a full time job caring for my folks and running dad's biz. I bathe and brush at stupid o'clock as ohJude puts it, which I assume means before dawn. Then I squeeze in exercise and throw a long skirt and jacket on over my leggings, which is pretty much my uniform these days.

Everyone here has been so helpful and encouraging. I have been experiencing so much shame as a result of my self-neglect. I do suffer from depression which I can battle if I really set my mind to it, but some days it just wins and gets the best of me. Lately, I feel as though I stopped fighting. This time of year is especially tough because the nights feel so very long and lonely. To be honest, my father is not exactly a pleasant person. Actually, he's simply not nice. Being around him as much as I am weighs heavily on my heart. He sucks the very life out of me some days which makes it so hard to find the motivation to even stand in the shower. I have, though, started to take steps towards fixing this problem. News2this - your post, along with everyone else's - was so, so helpful. When I fall into this kind of a trap, I feel like I need a concrete plan of attack. You are right about the hot shower; I instantly feel better once I'm under the water. I just need to always remember that feeling when all I want to do is hide once my father is asleep. I feel like caregivers should make a video about this - how to take care of yourself in the most efficient way possible. It is indeed those little things that matter - the mascara, new socks and underwear, fresh clothes, hot showers. I've started putting make up on every morning again. It sounds extremely vain and superficial, but I DO feel better and more confident when I look in the mirror and see a better version of myself. When I look like crap, I feel like I might as well just let it all go. I keep thinking about how stupid my screen name is and it's making me laugh. I'm a certified yoga teacher...one would think I'd have a way to tap into some inner peace or find spiritual enlightenment somehow. Nope. Not even close. Chanting Om doesn't make me want to hope in the shower. Thank you everyone. I have to remember to find time to visit the forums as the community here is so inspiring and makes me feel less alone.

Yogagirl, you seem to have it so together. And that picture of you is gorgeous. I love that shade of blue. Maybe we really do all have it together, but time has worn on. It surprised me when my mood started slipping and I stopped wanting to go do things. I realized it was depression. I don't think it's clinical for many of us. I think it is situational. I don't think we can meditate ourselves out of it. I get the feeling that a lot of it could be relieved by getting our metabolism up and focusing more on ourselves and happiness. Maybe we need a thread on natural ways to fight depression, since the same thing might not work with anyone.

I wish I were fit enough to run. If I were to try I would probably collapse in about a half block. I would really love to have a safe place to hike. I'm kind of scared to around here. I'm afraid that I would be on the news a few months from now: "A body was found and is believed to be that of an elderly woman JessieBelle." What a way to go... and to be called elderly on top of it. Grr.

yogalove and yogagirl are so similar. I get so confused. :)

But really, I think I could have written what I did to all of us.

timbuktu, ah yes the chore of even bushing one's teeth... there are days I am to emotionally drained to bush my teeth so I just grab the mouth wash.

Today my boss was thinking maybe we could wear jeans more often than on Fridays. I was thinking "YES".... but he probably won't do it as his signature image is full business suit along with the fancy looking handkerchief in the pocket. He looks like he stepped out of a Gary Grant movie.