Has anyone neglected their own health due to helping aging parents?

Hi Whitney,
Your note really took me back. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I couldn't stand the thought of going myself. I skipped mammograms, among other things. That's really bad and I caution people about this. I hope to let people know that upward of 30% of caregivers die before their care recipient. That isn't just elderly caregivers. It's younger women who don't get breast cancer diagnosed in early stages, or colon cancer or other health issues.
I know firsthand how hard it is to follow up on your own health, but please make you health a priority. It could save your life.
Do know, however, that many of us understand. We have been where you are (many still are in your shoes). It's very difficult.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol

I have been caring for my mother, pretty much solo, for the last 7 years. Last year, I didn't get to my own doctor at all! I remember making appointments and then canceling/rescheduling several times till I eventually gave up. I realized later on (like so many caregiver friends reminded me) that I can't take care of her if I don't take care of myself. This includes following up on my own health and taking some time away to "recharge my batteries".

I respect how hard it is, but in the long run, you're doing everyone a favor when you take care of yourself. Even if you have to hire a sitter for your parents, please don't neglect your own physical health. Good luck!

I'm not alone in caregiving my 2 bedridden parents. My oldest sis comes Mon-Friday while I'm at work. Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterul, stroke and heart attacks run in our family - 3 ended up bedridden. Here where I live, we have a high rate of cancer (breast, ovarian, prostate, leukemia). Due to this, I do make time to have my annual physical check up on the same day that I have my mammogram. I also schedule my annual teeth cleaning, xrays and dental exam as close as I can with my medical appointments. This way I get it all done within that short time period.

There was a time period when I did not do the medical/dental checkups. I finally went to the clinic for severe pain in my lower stomach. When done with my appointment, I had one of my "dizzy spells" and slammed against the wall. Doc was shocked and rushed me back to the exam table. My heart sounded really bad - from a scale of 1 to 7 and 7 being really bad, my heart was a 6. It seems I had an infection in my heart, ordered home and home care with daily IV antibiotic for 6 weeks. This was 6 years ago.

I don't want to end up like my parents - bedridden. You can just keep it simple. Annual physical/medical check-up with the regular blood tests and pap and mammo.

Sorry...my eyes are blurring and I'm finding it difficult to think. It's time for me to go sleep..now. Later!!

I also put off my health check ups and didn't eat healthy. I ended up in the hospital for 4 days in IV antibiotics. Doctors said I would have died if I hadn't came to ER. I was so out of it in my head I didn't realize how sick I was. Walked around with pneumonia for 6 months.
Now I'm eating healthier (hard) no sugar, caffine, fried food, flour, soda, alcohol. Pretty much bland diet (do cheat at times).
You have to take care of you because no matter how healthy you are the STRESS from caregiving will bring you down. Please take care of yourselves!!-

I have been taking care of my husband for the last 8 months, and have hardly left the house! Now I am taking time for myself because I know my health is suffering. Started back at the gym, also want to take a few art classes! It's important to take care of you!

Wow, can I identify with this question. I have put my doctor appts. On hold for over a year since my 90 yr old mother came to live with me. I finally had a heart to heart talk with one of my sisters about staying with our Mom once in a while to give me a break and also for scheduled dr. appts. I have scheduled dicferent type of exams on the same day so as to make it easier and less likely to have conflicts. My sister lives about 2 hours drive from me and she is 70', ten yrs older than me. She has fibromyalgia and it bothers her from time to time. She also has a husband to prepare meals, etc. My husband passed away four years ago so I am single. Anyway it is easy to not take care of yourself, but not a good thing to do. I think I've been a little depressed because of my husband passing and pretty much didn't care about me so much. I am trying to plan ahead now and take care of me, as no one will do it for me.

I started taking care of both my parents in 2007. I ended up losing my job, because I was taking too much time off for doctors visits etc. My Dad died four months later, and I ended up selling my place and moving in with my Mom. I had always cooked healthy food for myself, and was in good shape for the most part. After three years living with Mom, and cooking her what she wanted. I found myself in the hospital with Afib. My cholesterol had gone up to unhealthy levels, I wasn't getting much exercise and in general my health was going down hill. I'm still dealing with the afib taking meds to control it. Have been told, I have too much stress in my life, and must reduce it. Yet I cannot. I am the only child! As it stands, my Mom who is now 92 may actually outlive me! Take care of your health, I know it's difficult. You are not the only one.

Yes! I get so tired of Doctor's appointments. It feels like that's all I do. But I had a breast cancer scare (I'm fine) that made me realize I have to take care of myself too. But it's hard!

The one thing I always try to do for myself is take a walk every morning. When my Mom is in the hospital she expects me at her bedside every minute. One day I arrived about 9 after taking a morning walk. She was furious with me. As I stormed out her doctor was coming in. Her wonderful doctor gave her a lecture about how I need to take care of my health. I need to get exercise every day.

Things have calmed down since then. I only get snide remarks, not knock down drag out fights.

Up until a year ago I had a wonderful marriage to a man who was my best friend. Then everything changed.

My husband (age 86) was in and out of the hospital (starting last September). He would be (act) sick, get hospitalized, act well, come home and be unable to get out of bed until, $50,000 in medical bills later (he neglected to get Medicare B) and after he actually broke his hip, he is in a nursing home on Medi-cal.

He is not demented. He enjoys the company of the young female staff and tells me I am to old to be attractive.

I am 73 and we have been married 25 years. I consulted an attorney and know I must pay his bills. I'm dealing with loan collection agencies. I have Parkinson's Disease and so know I am losing function each day.

I thought we would be together at home, helping each other. I had an idea we would have a big puzzle on our table and work on it together. Silly to say I mourn the loss of that puzzle worst of all . I visit him everyday, knowing he would rather be talking to someone else, but also knowing one day he will be gone and I want to remember myself as kind, not condemning toward him. The stress is wearing me down.

I let a cracked tooth turn into root canal and a crown because I was taking care of Mom when she had eye surgery. My dentist asked me why I let this go so long and I told him. He just shook his head and said, "Caregivers always take care of themselves last." I am refusing an MRI and another test partly because of cost, but mostly because I don't have time to get involved in something that isn't being done because of a life threatening illness. My husband and I planned to travel when we retired, but we can't leave Mom, so here we are. He's so patient and understands. I just figure this is life. Things like this happen in life. My sister and I have put Mom's happiness and care above everything else for now. We get the screening stuff done, because we won't be any good to our mom if we get sick, but I know where you are coming from. Anything else is out.

Iyoung2008: About the cracked tooth, root canal, crown, I did the same thing. Thankfully, I have dental insurance, but it sure didn't pay all of it, especially the mouth guard that I have been fitted with because I grit my teeth during the day and grind my teeth in my sleep. But it works and I am so glad that I have it. I am back on regular dental care now. Stress? Oh, yes, it CAN kill. My mother's concern for me? She doesn't give a rat's behind, never has, never will. It is all about her. But she needs me, always has, will until she dies. I do not want to be one of the 30% that predeceases the person I am caring for. One of the best things you can do for your health is to learn the art of detachment. Detachment is an ongoing process, but the word itself is becoming my mantra. You can care for your loved one(s) but get their misery out of your head at the same time. That makes room for you to care about and take care of yourself, to dream of your future, to make things happen for you now. When Mama is pleasant, I enjoy the moment. When she is not, I just say to myself "detach detach detach." I don't doubt that God and society and Mama want me to be responsible for her. I don't think that God, society, or Mama really want me to kill myself in the process. And I know that my own children and darlin little grandson want me to be around for a long time.

My mother neglected her health to take care of my aunt. My mom was 68 and aunt was 88. My aunt had was very demanding and Mom ran herself ragged trying to take care of her sister and make her happy! 10 months later Mom had a debilitating stroke and I ended up with both of them! My girls were not quite 2 & 9 at the time and I basically had 3 in diapers at the same time and no time to work on potty training with my daughter. I tried to juggle it all for about 3 years and we all paid the price. I never got to sleep through the night because some one always needed a help for the spotty or pillows adjusted - when my aunt wanted attention she would mess with her colostomy bag until it came loose and
made a big mess for ne to clean up! My mother would fall to get attention and after 3 years if picking 200 pounds of dead weight off the floor I now have chronic shoulder problems. One of my uncles finally took my aunt but my mom was even needier after that. It took my oldest daughter trying to run away because of all this to wake us up. Mom is now in a personal care home and my own family comes first now. Her appointments come after the kids' and mine. For various reasons I have had to homeschool my girls (oldest in now in public high school) and although it is a constant battle nothing us allowed to interfere with school work. I admit that my mother doesn't get to all the doctor's appointments she wants - it is a struggle to get to the most necessary ones but I have 2 girls who need their mom and I need to be here for them. When mom complains I always remind her that if anything happens to me there will be no one to help her. Our parents have had their chance to raise their families and as much as we may love them and/or feel obligated it is now our turn. Our kids need us more than our parents do. Their lives are just beginning and they need our attention and guidance to thrive. It has been a hard lesson for me to learn and I finally started therapy to get things back on track. I really regret the things I
missed with my kids when I was trying to do everything and I am paying the price with various behavioral problems with the girls.

I not only let my health deteriorate my daughter's health did. She needed to go have something looked at by the doctor. I couldn't take her because I was never home I was always doing something for my mother. I put off one appointment and still have not gotten it done this year. I took an hour to go to my pain management doctor as she requires an office visit 4 times a year to dispense medication and make sure your doing well. This one hour I had schedule months in advance and made sure I had no conflicts caused my mom to berate me like I was a teenager who stayed out to late. When I told her I was at a doctors appointment she just dismissed it as if I had told her I went to get my hair done. I went for months not eating properly, getting no exercise and spending most of my days in chairs I should not have been sitting in or on the concrete floor of hospital rooms. I have an auto-immune disease and severe spinal arthritis. Stress, diet, exercise and managing not doing things that aggravate my spine are key to managing my health at least enough so I can sort of function. Ignoring my health for months took a toll. I could barely function and was in severe pain. I got bad enough I worried I would end up back in physical therapy or bedridden. Don't ignore your health. Find a way to get time for your needs. With all those doctor appointments I would see if they could be cut back or consolidated. Maybe a visiting nurse could do some of the minor ones like taking lab work? I found my mom's GP was more than happy to fill up their schedule with unnecessary follow up appointments that when pressed they admitted were not needed unless a problem came up.

Wow, that is hitting home for all of us. I have not been to a doctor in years. Hate all the stuff my parents and husband go through. I do not even want to see a doctor! I know I should get a physical but if there is something wrong, who takes over for me? That is why I keep excellent records and document everything just in case. I, too, feel like I will probably die before my parents and husband. The stress will kill me. It is number one on the list.

Yes. Unfortunately I did, and still do, in some ways.

I had cared for my stepfather for a year and a half before he died, and then my partner and I cared for my mother for 10 years. Our house burned down, and then my partner died, and I became depressed. My health suffered. I realized I could not care for my mother properly if I was neglecting myself, and that it was not respectful to the memory of my loved ones to let myself fall apart. So I am fairly conscientious and disciplined about doctor's appointments and nutrition. It is very hard to make time for the gym, though-- I take my mom to the pool, and restorative yoga, and have tried putting her in the waiting room/lounge of the gym while I work out, and sometimes take her for long walks i the wheelchair up hills to get exercise. it is all very time-consuming and difficult.

But I think we must find a way not to throw our lives away in caretaking. It seems like somewhere in the love and selflessness and nobility of it there are also the seeds of some self-destructive impulses. I don't know why, but there can be a turning away from life that seems unhealthy, a sort of giving up, and a despair.

The world is going on around us, and we are locked in little houses and little rooms, cooking and cleaning and bathing and massaging and dispensing medications, doing laundry and referring family fights, constantly driving our loved ones to doctor's offices and physical therapy, giving up our paid jobs, worrying about money, and losing touch with our friends. We are using up our savings for retirement money. We think we are too tired and busy to worry about ourselves. We don't always know what we will do when the caretaking is over. This is what worries me.

In order to care properly for our loved ones we must care for ourselves. We must have self-respect, and self-love, as well as love for others.

"In order to care properly for our loved ones we must care for ourselves. We must have self-respect, and self-love, as well as love for others."

Amen to that. If you have a self centered, narcissictic family member, or even an ill senior with many health conditions, your own health will suffer unless you take steps to put yourself first sometimes, and look after your health.

Stephan, you raise an important point when you mention worrying about what you will do when the caretaking is over. It is so important to maintain a sense of "self" throughout any caregiving phase of life, whether it is with little chldren, or with sick, or disabled adults. In both cases, you can be consumed to the point of not knowing who you are any more. Start by seeing if you can set aside a little time for you to examine goals for your life. I know that can be easier said than done, but work on it - even while you are out wheeling the chair. Sometimes we get so tied up in the life of another person that we forget who we are, and need to rediscover ourselves.(((((((hugs)))) Joan

Unfortunately, I do it all the time. I had to have my leg amputated. My husband and I tried our best to get my mother to visit my brother for a couple of weeks, but she refused saying she wanted to "help us". Her help consisted of my husband rushing home from the hospital to fix her dinner. When I got out, mother had lined up all kinds of doctor appointments for herself, was emotional as always and needed comforting daily. sorry, I'm feeling a little bitter today. I'm facing possible amputation of my other leg, so once again my mother needs to make the rounds of pain doctors, back doctor, general practioner . . . all for a problem that they and many others have tried to diagnos for over 14 years. Mother's pain disappears when she doesn't realize she's seen. Her terrible back does not stop her from climbing on the bed to swat spiders, bend over to pick up things off the floor or sneaking into the kitchen for a late night snack without the help of a walker. I don't have any suggestions for you, but my dear, you are not alone.

Yup. Between work and caregiving there didn't seem like there was ever time for me. I took alot of time off for appts for my mom and would feel guilty if I thought of taking time off for me...now mom is in NH and I am starting to take care of me better. AT least I do get sleep now.

I should add with a narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder mother, an alcoholic father and a sis with a personality disorder too, I have been caregiving in one form or another as long as I can remember. My mental/emotional health certainly suffered, and I had to work on that, then in the past few years particularly my physical health started to suffer, and I have to set some very firm limits to protect myself. Fortunately I am on the mend, and my mother is as well looked after as possible, mainly by other people - in an ALF. My role is to over see the care.
jennie, it seems to me that it is high time to put you first. My mother would have driven me nuts occupying all my time and energy running errands for her, half of which she would change her mind about later anyway. She takes herself to the ER and they don't find much wrong with her - I don't get very involved. It made her very mad to begin with, but she is more acceptinng since I set some limits. It sounds to me like your mum is playing games, if her pain comes and goes. Why are you sacrifing your own health to take her to these endless appointments? The loss of one leg is bad enough, but to risk the second one to cater to your mum, seems like a very bad choice to me.
suzmarie -glad you are getting some sleep now, and starting to take better care of you. .

Unless you have help, I do not, and cannot afford to get any. I think a lot caregivers don't adhere to appointments like they should for themselves. I have asked some people at church. They suggest I bring my mom to their house. They do understand that taking her out of her element is really tough on her. If she wanted to go, they would so have their hands full. At my house, she just goes to her room. So I just don't ask anymore.

I have. My health has gone to hell and a hand basket as I try to take care of theirs. Wayne

This question really hit me. I have two doctors' appointments for my mother this week alone, but ask me when the last time I had a mammogram was and I couldn't tell you. My gums have started to bleed. My diabetes is only mildly under control. I am so tired that I can't think straight. Thanks for bringing up this point, because it makes me see that I have to do something for myself.

So many appts in one week....anyway to cut down on that? Are they all different doctors? You need some time for yourself, of course, and YOU know that. I am just not sure how you can cut back on your parents appts. Is it possible to schedule them all in one day? Sorry I dont really have an answer for you. Please, at least do one appointment for yourself, a physical ...NOW. If there is something wrong, at least you will know now and not two years down the road.

tlhanger - can you talk to church people again and explain that someone would have to come in to your house as mum doesn't do well going to other's homes?

Wayne - is there anything you can do for yourself? sacrificing your own health for your parent's - isn't good for any one in the long or the short run. You really have to put yourself first at times, in my experience

Rachel - you do need to do more for yourself - your energy levels will be better if your diabetes is under good control - I know you know that. Sounds like you need a thorough medical check up - bleeding guns could be a number of things. Seeing it is the first thing! Good luck

lets see caregivers look after themselves too!!!

I have been thinking about this question a lot.

So often I have tried to explain to my mother that I am tired and stressed and need some time to myself. Because of her illnesses and medications and general age-related problems she just didn't seem to get it.

Even though it seemed hopeless I tried again this weekend to explain that I love her but trying to work and take care of myself and plan for driving us to a family reunion in a different state for two weeks is very stressful, and that all the little extra things she wants (concerts and lunches with friends and shopping trips etc.) and all her questions about what to eat and what to wear and what to read or watch on TV are driving me a little crazy. And she heard me! She got it! It may not last for long, but at least for this weekend she is happily reading and watching TV and taking little walks in the garden, and eating the snacks and meals without a lot of extra fuss. She is feeling a little more independent, which is a good thing for her too.

Which leaves me time to calm myself, work, plan, pack, organize the trip, and clean out the car for the drive. And write this note.

Thanks for the inspiration. The first 99 times I asked for a little break, it didn't work, but the 100th time did...

Oh yes. Between my 76-yo mom (dialysis, cancer) and my sons (one has a mood disorder), it seems like all I do is go to the doctor for other people. So I have neglected my health until this year. I was terrified to go to the doctor for myself, but I willed myself to do it. It has made my schedule a little more hectic, but there's nothing like the feeling I get when I check lab reports that have "normal." I do have some things to work on and it feels like my own private respite when I actually work on something for myself. Going to Weight Watchers meeting (by myself) is like heaven.

((((((((((((stephan))))))))) so glad to hear this. Good for you
I took a different route. My mother is narcissistic and I don't think she CAN see it from my, or anyone else's, point of view. If there isn't a balance of care for self and care for the senior, the caregiver is seriously risking their own health. I agree with your comment about seeds of self-destruction. I had to look at this very carefully. I am in my 70s, and my mother had her 100th birthday in May, and is going strong. I simply can't do what I could do earlier in life, and the stress of the narcissism, and personality disorder has taken a toll on my physical health. I tried talking to her about my needs and got no or little cooperation. Even if a parent does not have a personality disorder, many tend to become narcissistic as they get older and sicker.
Truly, we should not need our parent's permission to look after ourselves -or even their agreement. Care for self is a basic to survive in life. I simply decided what I could or could not do, and still stay healthy. If she asked or expected me to do something I considered too much for me, I simply said "No", or "I am not able to do that for you", etc. I didn't give explanations, nor feel any need to justify myself. I made sure she had adequate care, but didn't cater to her "whims". I detached, and distanced emotionally to do this.
I don’t know the detail of other posters, but, Stephan, it sounds like you have been catering to your mum at your own expense. Concerts, lunches, shopping trips, questions etc. are all optional. Looking after your own physical/mental/emotional health is not. I hope you will continue to look after you whether or not your mum agrees with it. You don't need her agreement to do that.
The parallel between looking after a child, and looking after a parent doesn’t go very far, but I think it can apply here. Why would any caregiver allow a parent’s ”wants” to run their schedule, any more than they would allow a child’s to, especially to the point that it is unhealthy for him or her?
Thankfully, I am getting my health back, but I have been struggling with illness for over two years now, and it hasn’t been fun. If I could go back, I would do it differently, and look after myself better. I urge everyone out there to consider it.

Giood for you too, LTanya!!! Well done!

Yes.......I am disabled and my mom in law is in pretty good shape physically...mentally she is a mess. Anyway, she fell and broke her hip last year...and me and my husband never left her side while she was in the hospital..we stayed night and day (both of us)..then after 5 days, my sweet husband went down to get us bkfast and when he came back, he could not walk straight, could not get food to his mouth, and his speech was terrible. I hot the call button and started screaming. (I am a retired nurse)...the nurse came running but was allowed to touch my husband at all, but did go get a wheelchair so I could run him to ER. (I have difficulty walking, much less running). I just knew he had a stroke. After testing him, they said he had vertigo (severe), and gave him medicine and said it was brought on by stress, and him not sleeping or eating correctly. My mom in law went to the rehab the next day (we got my niece to stay with her this last night...she just came into town to check on her (We have plenty of family around, but my mom in law is a very demanding, controlling lady and has run the rest of the family off. Since this happened, my husband and I have decided we can not do this again...for our health is just as important as hers. We can't get family to come and stay. so it will be up to the nurses to check on her during the nights..if this every happens again. My husband and I take her to all dr appts and out to eat each week, make sure she has all she needs in personal items and clothes and always money in her purse...but as her dr told me...we are not promised tomorrow...and she caould out live you and your husband, so you have to take care of you. Please think about this and remember, you have family and a life you should be living also.

Yes, that's exactly what happens to me. Now that mom is in NH, (due to health issues beyond my control) I feel I can focus dr appointments for me. It's time to take care of me. Just about everything NH aids do for my mom now, I was doing for her for many years. The Nh takes good care of her, I visit everyday. I always talk to nurses, Dr etc to see how she's doing. I've gone thru the days that I felt guilty about NH. It's a little easier, because I see that mom is finally adjusting.
I am adjusting also. It's not that it's where she wants to be, but it the safest place for her. The cost of medical appointments are astronomically high, and the deductible you must pay and copay. I hate the thought of it also. We must take care of ourselves. Take care .
Equinox