What to do about negative attitudes?

The term "energy vampires" has been used to describe negative people. I think it's a good description. It's also a good reminder to keep my complaints to myself when I'm angry.

Your doing the right thing by detaching, Their negativity is only going to get worse. And take it from my personal experience , their negativity will suck more life from you daily. You cant make a negative person happy they will always come up with some excuse to make everything negative.

Do you ever deal with them individually? Can you get them apart and talk to them in a non-accusatory way about their insular life and negative vibe? What I'm wondering is if your dad IS slipping into dementia and pulling your mother into his realm of altered thinking?

If you could get your mom alone and gently feel out her views of their life and how things are going, it might be worth the effort. Is retirement treating them like they thought it would? Are they happy? Do they have a bucket list that they'd like to fill?

At 64, I have come to believe there are two types of people as we age, those who basically give up and start acting like "old people" well before their time and those who try/want to stay mentally and physically young and hang around with others who share those views. I'm in the second camp and have close relatives falling (to some degree) into the first camp. My relatives are a married couple and one has no interest in physical activity or eating well. She strongly influences how the other person behaves, to his detriment. So I wonder if something similar is going on with your parents? If that's the case, it will only change if the "healthier" partner wants it to change. If they're happy/satisfied/resistant to change in their unhealthy lifestyle, there's not much you can do.

In that case I agree with distancing yourself and getting counseling so that you can learn how to set limits to keep your own mental health. People only change when they want to change and you can't make that decision for them. Please keep us posted on what happens.

What's the onset of the negativity in relation to the time your father was placed in an assisted living facility? Are they angry with you or other family members because of this?

Are they able to recognise it and control it in any way or dou they see youas the person who does not see the bad things in life.
My husband is a bit like that. if I mention anything negative in the news he will immediately find someone to blame and go into a tirade about how they should be thrown in jail fined etc.
I think I have finally convinced him that although I usually agree with his sentiments I choose not to discuss things that I can do nothing about and that just spewing negativity about something is very stressful and poisons the atmosphere. He has now finally realized it is not good for my health to be constantly subjected to this kind of stress and agreed to moderate his comments. Upstream your parents sound as though they have had a very unhappy life together and one can only feel sorry for them. I think you are right in limiting the time you spend with them and make sure you will not end up being a caregiver for either of them in the future. When either starts to complain just tell them you will not discuss the others problems and it is none of your business how they live their lives. If they persist repeat what you just said and leave the room or the house

Couple of things: they live in the same house? They are physical able? Still driving? Able to shop, go to appointments on their own? Finances OK?

If they are still pretty much on their own and making you nuts because of their behavior, yea, getaway from them. Most people post this type of story but are also up to their necks in caregiving duties and feel guilty for pulling away.

Also, if your father is developing dementia this can make a bad relationship worse. Neither of them are aware that dementia is affecting them. You might want to have him tested. Mom needs to understand the aspects of dementia so she can deal with him more effectively. Or would that be beyond her abilities?

Thank you all for the responses. Yes they are able to live a full and independent life. They live in a nice house, still driving, two cars in the driveway, able to shop, would be able to travel, finances are good. They are in better shape than most of their peers, except for the horrible attitudes. They have become shut ins and live life as if they were at least a decade older than they really are. I believe they need counseling but they have declined it when it was suggested earlier this year by family doctor, so I guess that's out. My problem is I am fed up and beginning to avoid contact with them. I feel guilty but I also feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted. It's like I've finally given myself permission to step away from them and live my life without their constant dark cloud over my head!

Yes, detach with love.

SendMe, I think it would be unwise if the relationship is toxic. I doubt if the parents would understand or want to understand. If their behavior is hostile, it might become even more so because they're angry you (or someone else) is backing up.

If the relationship is reasonably good, though I think it's just courteous to explain why you're backing off, such as health reasons. But so much depends on (a) the relationship, and (b) the reason for detaching.

This is a mental health issue and should be addressed according. Best you see a qualified psych pro for this problem. Throwing an anti-depressant into this might seem to be correct but from what you have posted I doubt your folks are forthcoming to Doc. Treat underlying cause. It's behavioral dysfunction and can be corrected.
I think that avoiding them altogether isnt the solution. They are sick and need help. What is likely the best thing for YOU is develop a support network and attend group meetings.
I hope I did not offend. All the best, L