My husband and I recently moved into a house so that we can care for my Dad. I love my Dad and want to be a blessing to him but I'm struggling. All my life my dad has been abusive in terms of his anger issues. I chose to care for him when he was diagnosed with dementia last year. But I never anticipated how hard it would be. We discussed for about 12 months how it would be if we lived together. He was insistent on maintaining seperate living quarters and would say how he wants to live independently under the one roof. Since moving in together, he comes into "our" house area multiple times a day, all day and expects me to be available to him every time. This is once or twice and hour 24/7 it seems.I am autistic and need my own space in order to regulate. I can't be available 24/7. Any time I try and set boundaries he gets angry or frustrated. I am so stressed that sometimes I think of ending my life, which I know is extreme.I have issues of childhood trauma from my dad's angry ways. As an undiagnosed autistic growing up, I really struggled with his angry outbursts.I do not know what to do. I know he has Dementia but it's still early days. He knows he is doing wrong.He will not give me time to myself and has no respect for my time.I have left the house to try and get a grip.He seems to have locked onto me to be his entire support system, yet when we lived in tho seperate houses a few weeks ago, he had plenty of social engagements with other people including bowling and Rotary.I can't cope with seeing him every minute of the day and it's triggering child hood trauma from his abuse.I do not know what to do or what boundaries are fair.I suffer from chronic health conditions including chronic pain and chronic fatigue but I simply cannot rest because of his demands. He will find me wherever I am on our property and expect me to give him undivided attention or throw a tantrum.He purchased the house we are living in and one day I will inherit it. So he feels entitled to my time, constantly reminding me he "bought me a house"I am indebted to my Dad and so so so grateful but now he feels he "owns my life and time".I want to make this work because despite my struggles, my Dad is my priority but I need help setting safe boundaries, especially when he feels so entitled
Its either aides or placing him. In discussions, you will find a post "Medicare now paying forbhn home care". I posted a link to the article. If Dad can afford it, you may want to try Adultcare.
And on top of it now the OP allowed her abusive dad to buy the house they're all living in. Of course he's going to run the show dementia or not as it's HIS house and if you don't like it it will be you that will have to move out. Which by the way you should.
Is living with this man really worth risking your mental and physical health over? Of course it isn't!!! Not for all the money in the world or a stupid house that you may inherit some day.
Go out and buy your own house for Pete's sake, and quit putting your abusive dad as your "priority."
Your priorities should be yourself, husband and your marriage along with taking care of your mental and physical health. Period, end of sentence. Dad comes way at the bottom of that list if he's even on there at all.
PLEASE for the love of God, get your head screwed on straight and start looking for a new place for you and your husband to live. Your dad will be just fine without you there. He can hire full or part time help if needed with his own money as his disease progresses, or can move himself into an assisted living facility now where he will receive the care he requires, and be around folks his own age and be able to do fun activities with them if he so chooses.
There will be no "happy ending" in your current situation, and you living in denial about that won't help a darn thing. So get your head out of the sand and start looking for a new place to live.
Or, enroll him in an Adult Day Care so that he's gone most of the day.
Hiring aids required management and if you do it privately, your state may see them as employees, in which case you'll need to do payroll withholding, quarterly reporting and submitting W2s or 1099s (if they are considered contract).
Care agencies are very expensive but take care of all the bookkeeping, plus provide subs, plus do background checks and some training for appropriate levels of care (like fall risk, dispense medications, etc).
You and your spouse are the priority, not your Dad. Moving him out doesn't mean you don't care about him. But you don't mention the impact this is having on your spouse and marriage. Believe me, no matter what he says... he doesn't like it.
People will often try to manipulate family with money. You Dad mentioning the house is one such manipulation. He didn't buy it out of love, but to use it as a tool to control you.
Boundaries are for you to defend, not for him to respect (because he never did, can't now and won't in the future). Please choose your life and marriage as a priority.
Absolutely no one on this forum is going to tell you to continue to live with or care for someone you consider your abuser.
Now that that is out of the way.....
This is not going to work.
It wasn't going to work from the beginning.
YOU need to rethink your priority/priorities.
You are a priority, your husband is your priority and if there are any children they are priority.
Since this house is your fathers you need to move out.
As long as you are living under his roof you are being held hostage. You have the assumption that you will inherit the house when he dies but you have no guarantee of that. If you read enough of the posts on this forum you will come across many where a caregiver has been promised money, a house only to be left out of an inheritance. Unless it is in writing the promise is meaningless.
Are you POA for health and finances?
If not who is? And if no one is and he has been diagnosed with dementia you may have to get Guardianship in order to make important decisions. (Guardianship is not easy and it is not inexpensive although the cost should be borne by the Ward not the Guardian)
Are you getting paid for your caregiving duties?
He is not going to get better. He will need more and more care.
Hiring a caregiver might help.
If there is an Adult Day Program in the area getting him into that will help as it will get him out of the house several days a week.
Looking into Memory Care facilities is something that you should be doing as well. Just know that unless he has assets the sale of the house may have to go to pay for his care.
You need to move out and Dad needs to hire part time help or he needs assisted living .
I’m sorry that you agreed to this arrangement . No one should ever take care of their abuser .
He will hold the house as an inheritance over your head forever to control you .
The fact is that you may never inherit anything . Your father could live a long time in memory care , the house being sold to pay for his care .
Save yourself and your marriage . Inheritance isn’t worth it . And you should not feel obligated to “ be a blessing “ or care for an abusive person ever .
You tell Dad that you are sorry but this is not working and you will be moving out . You offer to help find and set up help to come to his home , an aid, housekeeper , etc . Whatever he needs. Food can be delivered to the home . Eventually Dad will need to go to assisted living .
Read other threads here under the burn out topic. There are many people who unfortunately made the mistake of moving in with an entitiled parent . It never works . Get your life back , move out .
Your priority is to stay well yourself , and your marriage . You can help set up the help Dad needs . You don’t have to be there for all his demands . BTW he’s not “ independent” , that’s why he’s not staying in his part of the house . He may be getting closer to needing assisted living . He may be further along in dementia than you realize .