Need unbiased opinions please! - AgingCare.com

Need unbiased opinions please!

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I’m 50 years old but the youngest of 4 sisters. I’ve been taking care of our 82 yr old mother who has dementia/Altzheimers & Parkinson’s, virtually on my own for the last 7 1/2 years. In Oct 2017 I finally asked for help & hired a caregiver to work 3-4 days per week @ $150/day, a very reasonable rate for caregivers. I told my sisters I could no longer work & receieve no salary & that it would be only fair to receive the same monetary rate as the other part time caregiver. My sisters then said I should start paying a portion of the monthly bills to cover household expenses for me & my son who are currently living in the home (the same home that is left to me upon her entering a nursing home). At present time, me & my 20 yr old son are paying 75% of the monthly household bills. Expenses for her supplies & money to pay myself & the other caregiver exceeds what she receives monthly from retirement & social security money. Here’s the problem: Miraculously I’ve reconnected with a high school boyfriend & we want him to move in about 6 mos into the home to help & then get married shortly thereafter. I feel if he, my son & myself are taking care of 100% of the household bills plus covering additional cost for groceries, we meet our financial obligation in the situation. My sisters feel that a separate fee for rent should be charged to my future husband so that he doesn’t live here for “free”. They want that extra money from him to go toward paying for her additional monthly supplies and/or caregiver expenses (half of which is paid to me!) I on the other hand think that all 4 sisters should contribute to paying for her monthly supplies. We wouldn’t mind paying a portion of her monthly supplies, if ALL 4 sisters contribute equally. Currently none of the other 3 sisters pay $0 money or time for our mother. Essentially they want to use as little as possible of her retirement fund, which is meant to go toward her care. They’re concerned if one day each of them will have to contribute some of their own money if/when the money runs out. Currently we have over $300,000 left in her retirement fund. Since myself, my future husband & my son are covering all the monthly household bills we’ve reduced taking $5,000/month from her retirement fund to $3,000/month. Who’s right? I’d like an unbiased opinion.

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I think whenever possible, caregivers should be compensated for their services. Have your sisters check out what live-in caregivers get paid, and note that they DO NOT pay rent or household expenses. Is your sweetie going to be helping out? Then he should not pay rent!


Who holds financial POA for Mother? How about medical POA?


Mother's retirement fund is to pay for her care. Yoo-hoo! She needs care NOW. What are you saving it for? Can you explain, objectively, why it is better to struggle financially now that in some unspecified future time?


Use Mother's funds on Mother's behalf. If anybody is trying to preserve an inheritance, forget about it. A person with Parkinson's and Dementia and a nest egg of $300,000 is simply not going to have anything left at the end. Take care of final expenses (cremation, burial, whatever). Pay her expenses out of her funds, starting now. If/when she runs out, apply for Medicaid.


Don't sacrifice your own lives now. Don't have your sisters pay their own money for Mom's supplies. Mom has money for her own care. Use it for that!
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to jeannegibbs
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LHM, I went though holy he!! with my two twisted sissies. I provided care for mom and stepdad for four years. Yes twisted were more concerned for their own welfare via inheritance than what I needed. They thought free room and board was enough payment to me. Never mind I had my own home and bills, no health insuance, etc. They did not care, and of course they did not contribute towards mom's expenses. Mom had funds for that.

Sibs just get very ugly and vindictive when they see their future inheritance being spent for mom's needs which is what it is for. A live in caregiver, if an agency would cost around 10K a month. At least you are willed the house from the sounds of it. Or when mom needs nursing home, will the house become yours because of the length of time you have provided care?

Have you met with an elder law attorney? Hopefully this is setup that you are protected. Watch your back.

And do not move the boyfriend in. That could open a whole new can of worms and more ammunition for your twisteds.
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Reply to gladimhere
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I'd give 2 weeks notice and move. You are being used.

Your sisters are never going to understand the concept of you being paid to caregive. Just move on.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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All of the above, especially the moving.

As both you and your son are working, rent somewhere and live there. Commute to your mum, as required.

Tell your siblings you have done your share, and will be willing to continue to help, WHEN YOU CAN, but as you will have your OWN bills to pay, you will not be contributing financially. Ask them if they have any viable suggestions. (if they come up with ridiculous ones - I have no doubt they will, just say mmmm and ignore them)
Also say, that luckily Mum prepared for her retirement needs and the funds are there to be used FOR HER!!

Pay all of mum's bills from her finances. DO NOT use yours!

I am so happy you have reconnected with your sweetheart. It is also fantastic that your son seems to like him. Hold off on the marriage for a bit though. As long as you are together and he supports your values and decisions, make that enough for now.

See a GOOD attorney (may be a specialist that deal with age related stuff)

Stay strong, remember you are loved. You also have this place to come and say ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, you will not be judged.

Good luck
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to BuzzyBee
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Agree with all the advice you have been given. put this in your headlights. All the money you are contributing to mom's care is a straight gift to your sisters in the form of increased inheritance.
Caregivers recieve room, board and meals in addition to their salary plus regular time off.
Now do your sums again and you will find mom's care costs $20 an hour X 40 hours = $800 a week X 4 = $3200 a month plus things like FICA and a fill in to cover days off and vacations and overtime for holidays worked. I think you are looking at at least $5-6000 a month and more if you use an agency. That is at least $6o,ooo a year.
I don't know where you are or the cost of NH in your area but Mom has sufficient funds to cover about 5 years in a nursing home. I think the average life span in NH is about 2 1/2 years. I can be corrected on that number or any others I have quoted.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Veronica91
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I am biased against siblings that sit on their asses and direct their moneyed parent’s care, demanding that the one doing the work do it for NO COMPENSATION. You’ve allowed them to dictate everything and you’ll stay down under their heels where they want you.

The ‘deal’ that they’ve worked out is so convoluted I just read to a point but it’s not fair and pushes everything on you. Do you have that house ownership legally set up? A legal paper? And now they are trying to bleed your fiancé?!

I know so many who take on more than they can handle because some monster relatives are trying to NOT spend money earmarked for the parents care. My father is one. They’ll never pay you or help in any way. They are vultures just waiting...

How about doing what is best for mom? Place her. $300,000 ought to cover any need she may have and you visit her regularly?

Remember this—THEY WILL USE YOUR VIRTUES AGAINST YOU! Over and over and over. Money grubbing leeches.

Sorry. I can’t answer this unbiasedly!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to HolidayEnd
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It seems you have already made up your mind and have come here to have it confirmed you are correct?

Here, you will get back up, relief of stress, advice.
BUT you will get HONEST advice and it may go against what you have ALREADY DECIDED TO DO.

It will be your choice to accept or ignore it. You seems to be doing the later?

Saying that, this is a fantastic place to air your problems and ask for help.
I am sure someone will think the same way you do.

Good luck

Get your 'care giving, monetary agreements etc, put into a LEGAL document - done by a legal person.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BuzzyBee
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This seems to be an arithmetic problem.

Add up. Don't forget to include the cost of caregiving time, no matter who supplies it. At the moment, my guess (I admit I haven't been through your figures carefully) would be that you are heavily subsidising your mother.

If the long lost romance develops into a serious proposition, and I wish you every happiness, then that would be the moment for you, your son and your husband to move into your own household and find alternative accommodation for your mother.

Your sisters will then - possibly, I wouldn't altogether count on it - come to appreciate quite how much those years you have given are worth.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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LMH, do you have a caregiver agreement? You say that 5K is coming from mom's account each month for expenses caregivers, meds, other supplies and to pay you. If you do not have a care agreement and are paid for services to your mom you need to see an elder law attorney now. If money going out Canon be documented with receipts and all, caregiver agreement, then mom will have trouble getting Medicaid. They will look back five years at her finances. Any gifts (undocumented care payment to you) will be a penalty period, payment for care will be out of someone's pocket.
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Reply to gladimhere
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#1-do not marry at this time as you are vulnerable, worn and exhausted. Not thinking best. Not best time to start anew!

#2- I am only child being abused daily by 94 y o mom- your siblings suck by showing they care about future $ instead of mom and You. Get an attorney and make it right for yourself as it sounds like you might be fck'd in the end in many ways by them.

#3 get spiritual advice from pastor/priest- have him speak to everyone and give confession and last rights to mom now-so you won't feel guilty when god takes her.

#4- Do not allow anyone to make you feel less about yourself - you are awesome!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to DeSantis1
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