She has no money except Social Security. She has jewelry that could help for assisted living but she won't sell it. I'm at the end of my rope. We are fighting all the time. She has to go. I need some help. Please.
If she is the widow of a WWII vet, or other war, she may get assistance from the VA. A good facility will help you with the financials. A widow of a war veteran can get up to $1113 per month.
californiagirl, what kind of care does your mother need? I see in your profile that her main impairment is diabetes. That can cover a wide range of disabilities, from almost none to severe disability.
Would your mom be able to live independently? You mention assisted living. What kind of assistance does she need?
You cannot force her to sell jewelry or other assets. You cannot insist she move to assisted living. But you can determine who lives in your house. You can say that she can't live with you. If you are firm about that, then she has to make other arrangements.
One way you can help her is start the contact with your county's Social Services department. Ask for a needs assessment. (Be present when this takes place. Elderly parents are not always very realistic when reporting their own skills and needs.) Social Services can explain options to Mom and you can help her follow up on what seems realistic. Social Services will also know of programs Mom might be qualified for. You could help Mom apply.
Just be VERY clear with Mom and with social workers and with every one you talk to that Mom cannot continue to live with you. You are willing to help her find other options, but your house is not an option.
Jeannegibbs gave great advice. But yes, it would be helpful if you could give us more information such as age, any dementia, do you have POA or guardianship? I agree that there are options for low income seniors with housing. Many times there are apartments available where they must meet certain income levels and maybe she will. She can also have mobile meals. If she drives, senior centers also provide companionship and often times a meal.
My mother gets Social Security And Va check she don't want me to go back to work and she keeps track of her money she is diving me nuts. she don't pay anything in the house. My sister called the state on me and I have POA what should I do.
Debcajan, you need to post your own question under a new post so people can answer you there. It's not kosher to hijack another person's personal posting with a problem of your own. People will be glad to help, but post it it separately. Peace.
I would suggest talking to an elder care attorney and pay his fee out of her funds. I did and he was a wealth of knowledge and help. It made all the difference in the world.
Sooner or later the jewelry will be taken by someone. I am sorry to say that is how it plays out. I hope she will relinquish her possessions. This is a BIG change in her life & we all are so resistant to change-the only thing that is consistent in life-change... There is no easy way to do what you need to do & you will become the enemy. I so advise YOU to get into maybe an outside support group where you may go to for advice. God Bless you & all you do.
You need to get her on medi cal. If she needs skilled nursing or assisted living medi care doesn't pay. I found this out the hard way. My sister and I are waiting for her medi cal to come thru. Our mother is no longer a good candidate for home care. She's uncooperative, combative, can hardly walk, and refuses to drink fluids, and eats very little. No one wants to help us because she has no money and only medi care. I had no idea money was such an issue even when someone is indangering themselves and others. Apparently it is. We are blown away, burnt out, and done. Still no one will help us without medi cal. If your mom has another secondary insurance or plan for her at this stage then this is not applicable to you. Just letting you know what our experience has been. Good luck, d
Are you joking "nordink" go to a lawyer? That is not good advice in this or most cases. What exactly can they do except take you money. Do the research yourself and you will not only save money you will get better knowledge. Sounds like the mother in this case can not care for herself or make sound decisions for herself. If you want to help her you need to get POA. Talk to your mother and let her know what will happen to her if she does not allow you to help her and she can't help herself. Nothing good believe me.
I over saw my dad's care when he died several years ago, He was a diabetic but no mental illness. I use to fly from where I live in AZ. back to Chicago to do this during the week & work on weekends to support my family & care for him, being the only medical involved child of 6 children. I recall when he stopped eating & drinking & the nurses I had hired to care for him contacted me & told me. My first response was ,"Stop with the insulin"-offer fluids & he is getting ready to die. He suffered from colon ca. Within 2 to 3 weeks my dad passed at home in his sleep. This is just what my experience was. If it can help you -it blesses all of us.
My understanding is that Medicaid law can be different state to state, but where I am jewelry, clothing, personal effects and vehicles are NOT counted in the "spend down". BE CAREFUL about getting rid of your mother's possessions because you may not have to. At present, my mother has too much in assets and so we must "spend down" to $2,000 before Medicaid will kick in. There are so many things about caring for an elderly person that I never knew, and like Nordink suggested, an elder law attorney has been totally worth it. A good elder law attorney can suggest ways to help that you probably have never imagined. And by the way, I absolutely understand the "going crazy" part. You are not alone! I would have lost my sanity by now if not for the fact that my mother fell and is currently in rehab at a nursing facility. Best wishes and many blessings.
You may apply for senior section 8 for seniors depending on the state waiting list. My mom is on awaiting list if ss less than hud threshold. My mom is on the wait list since nov 13. Year to 1.5 wait.
make the move about her. When my mom was able to move I told her that it seems she was very unhappy with the living arrangements and ask her if that was true. That seemed to do the trick because she did say yes she was very unhappy and felt the family was too busy for her. I played up "friends her own age that she could relate too".
RCW6532 I agree with "nordink". First, how can you get POA without seeing a attorney? After seeing a general practice lawyer, I found that some of our concerns were not covered. We updated the POA with an elder law specialist who fully understood mom’s situation AND my situation separate from my mother’s. Big relief !
This specialized lawyer addresses: estate planning issues, planning for disability or full incapacity, financing the cost of care, special tax issues, protecting the POA from financial responsibility due to a parent’s bills, and other similar issues. In our case, the Elder Law Attorney (“ELA”) found legal “loopholes” enabling us to properly move money that would never be counted for Medicaid spend down.
As for them wanting to just take our money, think it through. They are 100% aware of my mother’s finances and they know they can’t get blood from a turnip. (-: Their pay is reasonable to the situation they take on. Our ELA so far has been able to help us safeguard over $60,000 that the government won’t be able to touch. Did you know that in some states, an elderly disabled person CAN OWN A VEHICLE – Porsche, decked-out SUV .. whatever – even if they do not have a driver’s license? Did you know that you can hurt you parent’s finances by accepting rent or pay in the wrong manner? Be sure of what you are advocating or tearing down.
Maybe I’m wrong, but this website is a place for caring people to give thoughts and opinions. The person who posts the question as an informed adult chooses what advice to take or leave. Let’s play nice. My prayers are for abundant blessings for all of you.
Also- skip lawyers and visit your local Welfare offuce, Senior division or Adult Service liazon thru local hospital and they will tell u where to apply... She should qualify for state assistance. The cost of senior living is outrages and selling of jewelry she would have to be loaded- but its unnecessary.
Wow guys... 1. Being rude is not going to help anyone. 2. Don't make people feel stupid for making suggestions. 3. Don't ostracize people who are new to the site and just need help. I was not the victim this time but, it sure pisses me off when bully know-it-all kinda folks intimidate our fellow caregivers,
Perhaps contacting social services fir your city:county is one idea on where to start. I did this and was directed to all sorts of resources including free legal assistance for aging care questions. Most states have an office that provides elder care info and services too. And...your local senior centers or a church can help too:)
RCW6532. I am her POA. Good luck with the "do it yourself" approach. Your loved one could lose everything if Medicaid enters the picture. And you could be left holding the bag. 😘
I have an idea. How about you remember she is your MOTHER and try treating her like that. Try a little understanding and care. No she should not have to sell her jewelry and I am sure it is not much but means a lot to her. Maybe you could just throw her into some little rooming house with her SS check. Oh send a card and a cheap dress on Christmas.
I agree pamstegman- when I moved mom in she was very ill. I spent 6 months 24/7 nursing her and tended every need. When she got well she became demanding, mean and impossible. She would beat her cane on the wall and scream obscene words. She would tell me I couldn't go out with my husband at night because she felt I was exhausted and needed rest. She refused to let me bring anyone in for a break. She viewed me as a 16 year child. If she didn't like what I cooked she would hand it back with a demand as if I was a short order cook. After 2 years my health physically and mentally declined. I called social services and they gave me a list of suggestions and possible assistance. Since she refused outside help coming in- I changed strategy and told her she deserved her own life and friends and I felt I was holding her back- I made it all about her and never once implied I NEEDED HER OUT! In all instances with the elderly- swallow your pride. Smile- we do love them but face it- most of them become emotionally abusive- they are in so much pain and fear that they unload on us. If you are one of the lucky ones and your parent is sweet as pie- this isn't the place to judge because- take a look around the questions- most here have breaking hearts because their parents with age related mental problems ate downright abusive- so sad but true. And then there is the financial burdens. Be nice, be compassionate please!
I am in a similiar situation. It is just not working for my mother to be living here but she can't afford to live anywhere else plus there is the guilt over making her leave at the end of her life (she is 89). To help us we have made appointments with geriatric psychiatrist, primary care physician and social worker. We are having a complete work up done to see where exactly she is mentally and are going to listen to all our options. I would start with your moms primary care doctor and he/she can get the ball rolling. You have to consider your own well being
Nana2Nanny made some very good points. Some of us are dealing with a parent who is abusive (and may have been mean even before old age). That can be a very different situation than caring for a sweet-as-pie parent. I like the approach of turning it around to be in the PARENTs' best interest to change the arrangement also.
I want to add that I have established a good relationship with the executive director of my local Alzheimer's Association. I stopped in to talk to her today about my mom's situation and she gave good advice. "If the caretaker's health & well-being are suffering" because of the arrangement, the "caretaker's responsibility is to deal with her own health needs." She said there are many parent--"adult child" relationships SAVED because the parent went to live under another roof, but what kind of relationship is there if the adult child cannot visit because her own mental or physical health has crashed? My MOTHER or not, I certainly cannot enjoy being with her if I grow resentful and burnt out.
Best wishes and prayers for blessings to all of you.
If your fighting all the time, maybe you need to find someone to talk to. A counselor, a minister, someone who can help you step back and take a look at the situation. Is your mother doing well mentally or is she beginning to have dementia? You need information about dementia to help you understand her. The eldercare lawyer is probably your best bet for best advice, but you will have to take care of the paperwork in order to take care of her. If she is still mentally capable, then you both need someone to listen and help you figure this out. She may be scared. Certainly, no one want to give up control of their lives, but at some point, most people have no choice and it's scary.
Dear Mickey07, your mad and you meant to get her attention, but caregiving is a huge challenge. And some of us just mentally cannot carry on as normal, when the parent is suffering from mental deficits, like dementia. It's just not so easy to say, it's your Mother, take care of her. No one can take constant abuse. And the parent may not even realize they are abusive. It's exhausting and one can really suffer mentally, physically, and especially, emotionally, try to be the good child. Rethink your comment. It was harsh. +
NanatoNanny, wow, great thinking!! And Rhodycanes great ideas! And DKOBrown, thanks! I have a hard time just thinking about myself, let alone how to deal with someone else. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Would your mom be able to live independently? You mention assisted living. What kind of assistance does she need?
You cannot force her to sell jewelry or other assets. You cannot insist she move to assisted living. But you can determine who lives in your house. You can say that she can't live with you. If you are firm about that, then she has to make other arrangements.
One way you can help her is start the contact with your county's Social Services department. Ask for a needs assessment. (Be present when this takes place. Elderly parents are not always very realistic when reporting their own skills and needs.) Social Services can explain options to Mom and you can help her follow up on what seems realistic. Social Services will also know of programs Mom might be qualified for. You could help Mom apply.
Just be VERY clear with Mom and with social workers and with every one you talk to that Mom cannot continue to live with you. You are willing to help her find other options, but your house is not an option.
There is no easy way to do what you need to do & you will become the enemy. I so advise YOU to get into maybe an outside support group where you may go to for advice. God Bless you & all you do.
I recall when he stopped eating & drinking & the nurses I had hired to care for him contacted me & told me. My first response was ,"Stop with the insulin"-offer fluids & he is getting ready to die. He suffered from colon ca.
Within 2 to 3 weeks my dad passed at home in his sleep. This is just what my experience was. If it can help you -it blesses all of us.
This specialized lawyer addresses: estate planning issues, planning for disability or full incapacity, financing the cost of care, special tax issues, protecting the POA from financial responsibility due to a parent’s bills, and other similar issues. In our case, the Elder Law Attorney (“ELA”) found legal “loopholes” enabling us to properly move money that would never be counted for Medicaid spend down.
As for them wanting to just take our money, think it through. They are 100% aware of my mother’s finances and they know they can’t get blood from a turnip. (-: Their pay is reasonable to the situation they take on. Our ELA so far has been able to help us safeguard over $60,000 that the government won’t be able to touch. Did you know that in some states, an elderly disabled person CAN OWN A VEHICLE – Porsche, decked-out SUV .. whatever – even if they do not have a driver’s license? Did you know that you can hurt you parent’s finances by accepting rent or pay in the wrong manner? Be sure of what you are advocating or tearing down.
Maybe I’m wrong, but this website is a place for caring people to give thoughts and opinions. The person who posts the question as an informed adult chooses what advice to take or leave.
Let’s play nice.
My prayers are for abundant blessings for all of you.
1. Being rude is not going to help anyone.
2. Don't make people feel stupid for making suggestions.
3. Don't ostracize people who are new to the site and just need help.
I was not the victim this time but, it sure pisses me off when bully know-it-all kinda folks intimidate our fellow caregivers,
I want to add that I have established a good relationship with the executive director of my local Alzheimer's Association. I stopped in to talk to her today about my mom's situation and she gave good advice. "If the caretaker's health & well-being are suffering" because of the arrangement, the "caretaker's responsibility is to deal with her own health needs." She said there are many parent--"adult child" relationships SAVED because the parent went to live under another roof, but what kind of relationship is there if the adult child cannot visit because her own mental or physical health has crashed? My MOTHER or not, I certainly cannot enjoy being with her if I grow resentful and burnt out.
Best wishes and prayers for blessings to all of you.
+