Mom asks to go food shopping with me once a week. I go alone 5-6 times a week. I buy produce, rice, and whole grain cereals. When Mom goes she buys cupcakes, caramels, candy, cookies, and frappuccinos, usually several of each. I am NOT looking for a "let them eat whatever they want" versus "why do you even have junk food in the house?" debate. I just try to strike a balance on that.
What concerns me is the waste. I try to make sure we have some of everything because it's inevitable that she will want whatever I didn't buy. She's obsessed with the worry that she'll run out of cupcakes or candy, so she gets more before she's eaten what we have.
Before I arrived, they bought a new fridge and kept the old one so they'd have room for everything, even though there were only two people and Dad barely eats. She buys more food than either of them can eat and he tends to buy things he used to like but now forgets to eat. Neither of them replaces lids, tops, or covers the food with foil or saran. Food goes bad either because it dries out or there's just too much of it.
Mom likes to buy a whole roasted chicken, but then only wants a chicken sandwich once. Two weeks will go by before she wants another and by that time I've fed the chicken to our dogs and cats so it isn't wasted.
Night before last, she bought 3 boxes of instant pudding even though we already have 3 boxes at home that we've had for 4 months.
Do I just resign myself both to the madness AND the waste?
Everyone's kitchen habits are different, thus is won't be easy to change a pattern.
My Mom also use to stock up on food. I also do the same with can or boxed items. I think it's just security knowing that if there is a storm, or heavy snow on the horizon, that one can do meals without needing to run to the grocery store.
One visit I went to get bagels out of the frig. They were from our last Visit in November. I went thru the drawer and everything was expired. She felt as long as they were in the frig they were OK. She was 90 by this time. No, she was not happy I cleaned the drawer out. She complained about not having money, but when we cleaned out her house, we found duplicates and more. I think she forgot what she had bought before.
You have to be careful with refrigerator freezers. If they don't stay at 0 or below, the food starts to go bad. Meats especially. Bread lasts about a month then starts to taste freezer burnt. Same with cakes.
You have been given some good ideas but it is hard to change years of thinking. I like the taking inventory and list idea. Be firm. My Mom would reach for the junk, I would ask who is it for. If my nephew who lived with her, I'd say he doesn't need it. (He has a neurological problem where he doesn't make good choices and was putting on weight. This causes problems with the 4 rods in his back)
If it's fresh food that goes bad, it can be composted. Or maybe you know someone with chickens??
If she can't really understand the situation, then I guess that's a bit more complicated. Will she take direction, like, Mom you have 4 of those at home still so I think we could skip it this week.
I wouldn't get into a big power struggle over this, but I'm sure there are some ways to reduce waste without it getting too difficult. Easy for me to say, right??
Re: the chicken - I liked a prior idea of freezing part of it. Help her take off enough of it for what she will use, freeze and label the rest and then put it in the fridge to defrost as needed, directing and reminding her that it is there for her to use.
2 fridges sound a bit excessive. And costly on the electric bill! Maybe there could be a goal of shutting that 2nd fridge down? Does she still regularly put stuff in it?? If so, maybe it could "break" and then get her to adjust her thinking a smidge to live with one fridge instead.
I do totally understand this being frustrating for you and I HATE wasting food too! At least some can go to your animals but a lot must go in the trash too.
Cupcakes: Are they fresh? Can they be bagged or wrapped and frozen as well? Seems like they would defrost quickly.
So, if it were me, I'd try a few things to try to make the situation more tolerable. But if she is terribly resistant, it's probably not worth making too big a deal over and you may have to bite your tongue and let it go.
Good luck!
Freezing the chicken for her usewhenever she wants isn't practical because she's extremely impatient and no longer knows how to safely use appliances or knives. She has melted plastic in the oven, started a grease fire, and put glass bottles with metal lids in the microwave. When she wants food, she wants it NOW. I'm lucky she can wait about 5 minutes, but that has to include EVERYthing in the prep. If I sit her food down in front of her because it's ready, then walk over to get a fork from the utensil drawer, she'll scream at me, "where's my fork?! how am I gonna eat this without a fork?!"
Is she aware? Yes...but..... She's much more able to process info and remember than Dad, who's memory is shot. However, both of them have had undiagnosed personality disorders their whole life. One is that they're both hoarders. I blame the Depression in part, but both of them seemed to be unable to stop buying stuff. So, it's not just food. I dread getting rid of it all and have been doing it slowly for a couple of years. Due to their inability to say no to my brother and his wife who guilted them out of tens of thousands of dollars before and after I arrived, they no longer have access to their remaining money. So, that's a big help.
I don't give the stale or dried out cupcakes to the animals and since it's barely food, I don't feel as bad about throwing that out.
No one taught us how to make money or how to invest, so I had to learn the hard way. Dad always just said, "save your money." And "whatever it is, you don't need or deserve it." Regardless of what I think today, that conditioning is strong in me. I buy one new shirt or pants about every 10 years; I talk myself out of everything. So I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from my family, which doesn't help.
As for the older fridge, I've posted it for sale online but so far have gotten no interest. As long as it's there, they want to use it. So it needs to go.
thanks!!
1) Sit down with her before you go shopping and make a list. Only things on the list can be bought. The arguments come before the money is spent, not when you get home and try to put it all away.
2) Or, when you get home, put the things that aren’t needed to one side and say that you are taking them to give to charity because there’s too much to get eaten. If you ask around, you will find somewhere that takes fresh food as well as packages. When your mother sees what is being given away, she won’t be happy, but it will make it all a bit more real for her. And it’s not as wasteful as letting it go off.
3) Or, agree with her a budget to spend, and put that much money in her purse for the trip. She may not buy the ‘right’ things, and she may be embarrassing at the checkout, but again it shows her how much more she is buying than she agreed before hand.
4) Or, refuse to take her shopping with you.
5) Or, shop on line and get it delivered.
You are not going to change this situation without there being some fuss, and it’s up to you to choose which is the lesser evil. Best wishes – it would drive me up the wall!
If I was successful getting the food back to the store, I would try to place some small plastic containers toward the back of the fridge so food would not get buried in the depths of storage shelving. Later I would work to clear the backside of cabinets where boxes of pudding are stored, beginning from the top shelf and working down toward the most accessible shelving. This may help rotate the food to reduce the waste. Gradually reduce storage space without leaving any empty spaces.
Can you offer to go shopping for her? Then conveniently “forget” to buy five of the six dozen cupcakes she wanted. Or, you buy the chicken occasionally, give her one or two pieces and freeze the rest. Take her to lunch instead of shopping if you know she doesn’t need anything. That way she’ll still be getting out.
And, you know what? It’s ok to put your foot down. When she loads up her cart, tell her, “No, Mom, you don’t need all that.” And put it back. Let her be disappointed.. Let her be angry. Make sure she has enough food and treats, but not to extreme excess.
She also obsesses over going with me. I understand; she's bored and lonely and it's fun for her to get out and nothing else is of interest to her.
Mom's got a memory like an elephant. If she buys two bags of caramels along with the cupcakes, sweet rolls, choc bars, coffee cake, and donuts, and I put it all on the counter where she can see it and access it all day every day, but put one bag of caramels away, she'll ask me about that bag 10 days later.
LOL.