Need some advise on how to handle 94-yr-old mother who wants to go home from assisted living.

If once a week visits is what you can do for now (or future), fine.

It has to be a balance between what is good for the elder but also good for you.

I met a lovely son who traveled 1.5 hours each way to visit his Mother weekly. At first he wore himself out visiting more, so much time out of his life + he coped all that emotional storm you spoke of... Get me out of here, you stole my house, I want to go home etc.

Even when you know (like this man did) that old age & stroke caused the NH admission, that his Mother absolutely could not live alone (now hemiplegic). He didn't cause it. He could not fix it. He found a good a place he he could for his Mother but said he still went home with a heavy heart.

You cannot pour from an empty vessle. Someone wrote that on a thread this week. A good saying.

Kind thoughts to you today.
(I am still at the falls & ER stage)

"How often should I visit her?" As often or as less as you can stand to do, for me when the person I visit starts to get to me I just leave for a certain amount of time, and come back. Although it is your life and you can decide if you've had enough for the day or if you have some nice moments, then stay if you feel like it, also maybe try to tell her that if she is feeling a certain way that you find disagreeable you'll come back when she is in a better mood,chances might be that at the moment, this might not help but she might remember for next time, who I visit can be negative and I try to tell them that and I say I'll come back later when you feel more sociable then I come back and either their mood has changed or it hasn't and if not I'll come back the next day or whenever is good for myself and for them. There isn't always going to be the right approach, but you need to take care of yourself and your feelings. :)

You did the right thing. Stay strong. You may notice that her statements may be repetitive. You might want to just respond with a simple, unwavering, and repetative statement. Can you try answering that she cannot go home until her doctor says that it is safe to do so? It also sounds like her dementia is pretty far along since she lost weight. You might not be able to encourage to eat more as this is common as the disease progresses

Oh no, so sorry you are going through this. 3 weeks is still a very short time.

See my posts and the answers to it, which are on this topic:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/not-sure-whether-to-give-in-to-my-dads-wish-to-leave-assisted-living-and-live-at-his-home-484596.htm

and

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/trying-hard-to-get-out-of-al-484785.htm?orderby=recent�

It baffles me how elders see AL as a terrible prison! They get waited on, meals, activities, privacy, no dishes or housework! There are no steel bars and they don't live in a cell! Obviously much better than a dirty house they can't keep up, right? What good is "fake independence" anyway?

Plus....actually living until 94 is incredible already. She's mad because she knows she will be gone soon. Being so hateful to you will destroy your last memories of being around her. Not your fault she got old and sick, we all will someday.

Good advice from others to cut back your communication, visiting so long just triggers her to lash out, reminds her she is not in her house anymore. She builds more resentment. She has to adjust. She is safe, clean and fed.

Great advice from others here. Don't tolerate the verbal abuse. Don't do long goodbyes. She needs to know she is being hurtful and damaging to her kids, who have gone out of their way to help her and keep her safe. Make a quick exit, don't turn and look back. I'd keep visits short, no more than 1x a week, or every 10 days. Cut back the calls too. When she gets mean and mad, cut her off quick. She will learn being nasty gets her nothing. I know it hurts, you do so much for someone and they seem to spit on you! We all understand.

In her younger days (1930-50s), "nursing homes" were seen as prisons (or mental hospitals). Things have changed in the 20th century. Now they have AL, MC and SNF levels of care. Assisted Living is not lock down! She gets a private room, various services (if she needs them), and doesn't have to cook & clean. I'm sure you wouldn't mind being pampered, have a cook, dish washer and housekeeper! That sounds terrible, right? When she was at her home, she was struggling and not safe. Did she have her sheets changed often, someone checking on her? Seriously...what is so awful?

All these elders will eventually like their newfound freedom, a nice change from struggling to survive! Nobody orders them around, do they? They get help, chores done, and someone always close by that doesn't pester them! That is the reality, despite the constant elder whining and complaining they all tend to do. The reality is they are mad at getting old and facing the end of their lives.

If you didn't care, she'd end up having a tragic accident in her unkempt home. Your love, concern and generosity has been PROVEN. We all know this. What if you made excuses, or neglected her? Or were selfish and did nothing to help her or keep her safe? What if you were always busy shopping, socializing or traveling?

Don't feel guilty you did the right thing. Feel proud instead.

This question comes up daily .
I would limit visits to once a week or every other week . Your brother was correct to leave when the visit got bad.
Do not talk on the phone every day either . You can let calls go to voicemail .
Your mother does not understand that this is where she needs to be .
Here are some things you can say when she says she wants to go home .
“ It’s not possible “
” You need to be where there are nurses “
“ The doctor says you need to be here” .

When a conversation is going bad , “ I’m sorry you feel that way , I have to go now for an appt “ leave or hang up .
White ( therapeutic ( lies to extinguish the hostility .

It took my mother 6 months to adjust. Although she still wasn’t happy . Some never are . She even called 911 to say I was abusing her . The police came to her assisted living facility ( I hadn’t been there at all that day ) . She told them I was stealing her house and her money .

Don’t enable her to get home .
It’s what she needs . It’s not about what she wants . You are doing a great job .

Your job is to see that mom is safe and properly cared for in AL, not jumping for joy with delight. That won't happen because she won't give you that thanks, it's not in her nature especially with dementia at play which often turns these women even uglier than usual. I know, I had a mother like this myself. I'd go visit mom weekly and when she'd get ranting and raving, I'd leave. And I'd tell her why, too. If she couldn't choose to treat me with decency, then I wasn't going to entertain her bad mood over the phone or in person and would see or speak to her when she was in a better mood.

Also know that oftentimes they're doing FINE. Just laying it on THICK for US so we can feel guilty for "putting" them in such a nice place with great activities and amenities. Poor dears. We should all be so fortunate to be able to afford AL in our old age, huh? 🙄 Sorry but I don't buy into the poor poor pitiful old me stories some of these elders go on about. My uncle was 102 and lived in AL, was cordial and lovely to everyone he met ALL the time, never ugly and selfish or a burden or sorry for himself but grateful to God for his long life. Yet we have other elders so sorry for themselves over life in AL they cause misery for everyone.

Go visit when mother chooses to act like a civilized human and not when she doesn't. Some adjust well to AL and some choose not to. Where your mother falls on the spectrum remains to be seen. She may need a higher level of care in Memory Care Assisted Living if her dementia is advanced. Then her angst and complaining should reach all new heights as it did with my mother. But I gave her no choice to go "home" because she, in her 90s, was incapable of going anywhere.

Stick to your guns.

First, commit wholeheartedly to resist her pleas to “go home”.

You KNOW that she’s now “safe and comfortable” and much more important, in a structured environment meeting those immediate needs.

Don’t “…try to just listen to her”. When the tirade starts, go to her, very quick hug, “Well Mom have to go. I’ll see you soon” AND LEAVE. Then, REPEAT EVERY VISIT.

Much better for you both. She MUST adjust to the new surroundings and if you attempt to placate her, convince her, reason with her, you will feel worse and she will not change.

Painful? Yes, but probably more so for you and your brother than for her.

The period of adjustment may well be longer than you’d expected (myLO took 6 months) but by that time she was describing g how much she liked her “hotel” and how glad she was to be there.

Did I wish there had been another way? I certainly did, but I was also very gratified that I’d stuck it out and waited for the adjustment to come.

Commit yourself to being loving and kind but firm. VERY firm.

Come back and let us know as things progress. You’re doing what’s right.

You got this. You are very astute. You tell us:
"I guess I am trying to make peace of the fact, she will never 'approve' of me...( another long story)".
Yes. True. And so very common. Really the most common reason that children raised and groomed to "serve without recompense or even thanks" continue to serve.
So, anyway, you have a good picture of the whole thing.

You have done the right thing for Mom's safety.
My real questions here are now re the legalities:
1) Has your mother been diagnosed and are you her POA?
2) Is mother competent enough to sign herself out of her living situation and return home on her own?

Those are the only real questions here. If she is competent to leave, she can do so.
If she does that, I would caution you NOT to enable it in any way.
If Mother says "I am leaving here and going back home" I would reply to her "If you do that it is the last time you will ever see me".
And I would STICK TO THAT.
If mother is no longer competent, and you are in charge of her placement, then you are stuck with listening to what most who have relationships with someone in LTC hear all the time, which is "I want to go home".

I would visit less often.
I would be honest to say "I love you and I want to visit with you, but this is where you live now, and where you must stay for your own safety. I want to visit, but not to listen over and over again your complaints about which nothing can be done. So when those complaints start I will pick up the purse and get on my way for the day".
Then do that.

It is very tough to hear and see, and as you say there is still some kernal of hope and belief in your soul that you can do something someday right enough to hear "You've been such a good girl". Won't happen. Our parents are who they are and they seldom change.
With her last breathes my mom struggled to say to me the old adage:
"I may not have been as good as I could have been, but I was as good as I could be".
In her confusion she got it all muddled, then shrugged and looked at me and said "Oh! YOU know what I mean". And I did. For all my life she had told me how much she loved me and what a good daughter I was. That was her. When mother's were passed out on the assembly line I got such a wonderful one, and I am eternally grateful.

Let me just tell you. You are a good daughter. And your mom loves you as well as she is able to with her limitations. You have done right by her.