Follow
Share

My mother is 87 and lives with us. She moved in a few months ago. She has end stage COPD. She is declining quickly, her memory is going. She talks ALL the time though. She is always right and you better not contradict her! I have to listen to her all day everyday when I’m home (still working full time) also I’m an only child so my only help is my husband and sometimes my daughter.


This weekend I finally had enough of her bad mouthing my kids and I told her. I wasn’t yelling or cussing. I just told her that she was misinformed and that we needed to agree to disagree. I haven’t really talked to her much only to see if she needed something regarding care.. food water meds etc. no small talk. She said this morning that if she is bothering us she would move back to her place ( we haven’t sold it yet) and get someone to take care of her. She doesn’t mean this she is only wanting me to say no you have to stay here with us... I didn’t reply to her. I have taken most things from her but I cannot budge where my kids are concerned (her grandchildren) This has hurt me so deeply I don’t know how I can keep going 💗


I keep wandering why God has put me in this position? What am I supposed to learn from this season?


Thank you 🙏🏻 😞

You set a precedence by taking most things from her.

Now you need to set boundaries if she is going to stay.

This is a perfect time to have a heart to heart about behavior.

Being sick and old is not a free ticket to be mean and ugly. Tell her that she needs to stop with all the negativity and back biting of anyone not in the room. Give her the choice of staying or leaving, be nice or be gone, your choice mom.

By the way, I think that statement is a manipulation tactic.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Hello, forgive me for asking how long she may live with the 'end stage COPD'? For me, that would figure in my decision cuz of the stress on ur kids esp. If she cud linger on for years, then she has to move out now. And it's not a sin to get her professional care. People here that suggest 'God did this' are in error. (But if you believe that), it's going to be impossible for you to make logical choices that save your family from dangerous strife. There's a big difference between God & religion. God loves us & religion burdens us. Wake up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to anonymous828521
Report

I ask myself this everyday. Tough question, isn’t it? Why?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

Regardless the situation nobody has a right to bad mouth you or your kids. That would be THE LINE IN THE SAND. My response would be “if you speak down on my children ONE more time, you need to leave our home!” If this is the one thing that you won’t tolerate, say it! Repeat it! I may even get a bag out of the closet to imply she start packing (I tend to be pretty animated if need be to get my point across). It gets worse before better and your children didn’t sign up for this, you did...but you do not have to stand for it. Do not keep warning her, do NOT give in...they’re your children and you’re there to raise them with morals and respect and goals. I’m so sorry to say... I would give her 0 chances and send her packing (well you know, get her setup back at home with help of course) those children have full lives ahead of them and being insulted or verbally abused in the safety of their own home is not ok! Repulsive and I wouldn’t stand for it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to PowerOf3
Report
anonymous828521 Sep 6, 2019
PowerOf3, 👏 bravo & that said it all:)
(0)
Report
If she is able to move home at all I would encourage this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
anonymous828521 Sep 6, 2019
Youre adorable Alva, (saying it more nicely than I cud have:)
(1)
Report
I suppose... mulling it over... you're supposed to learn that end-stage COPD does horrible things to people's outlook and temperament.

Did your mother have a decently good relationship with her grandchildren in earlier years, before she got ill?

The sort of "stream of consciousness" that you get when people are old, ill and in declining spirits does not make for cheerful daytime listening, that's for sure. Do you think your mother, in her normal state of mind, would really mean what she's coming out with?

It may be, just thinking about neutrally, that there *would* be better options that won't utterly destroy your feelings towards your mother and wreck your peace of mind as time moves on to the end of her life. It isn't about a threat, or an ultimatum, or a contract of good behaviour, or anything like that; but what about having a good think about her needs, your needs, and the best way to accommodate everything that's important?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
anonymous828521 Sep 6, 2019
👏Countrymouse. Voice of reason:)
(0)
Report
Is her moving back to her home with caregivers a possibility?
With caregivers and if she is Hospice eligible it might be doable.
Is a move to Assisted Living or if she also has memory problems a move to Memory Care a possibility?
Both of these options might give you both the break you need.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
anonymous828521 Sep 6, 2019
Yes Grandma1954, great ideas! (any of which wud be better than what's going on:)
(0)
Report
Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions, but I understand your predicament.
When I draw boundaries with my parents they always respond the same. We are going to move out, we are being too much of a bother, how dare you speak to us like that, we will get our own place, we are perfectly capable of living independently (they are not). I find it so aggravating, but mostly just ignore it. Mostly.
It's not easy and I can offer you any coping suggestions other than to ignore it. Walk away.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gkcgkc
Report

Karol
google Area Agency on Aging with your city and state. Call and ask for an assessment for your mom to give you an idea of what level care would best meet her needs.
This might help you and mom to see what her options are going forward. Again, no need to get upset. Just checking options. Her home would certainly be one, ALF etc could all be discussed.
Its a not so subtle message that you are serious about alternate housing for her and may give you some great ideas as to the resources available in your area.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report

I just listened to the best sermon series from John MacArthur called 'How God Uses Suffering'. One of the reasons is that it shows us the depth of our own faith. I'm not saying this is your case, but it may be. Continue to lean on Him; He won't give you more than you can handle. Pray often (for you and for mom) and thoughtfully. Explain to your children not to take it personally. Don't be tempted into anger... certainly defend your children but if mom is doing this because she is declining and is not herself, then you can argue with her until you're blue and it won't make a bit of difference. Return her hostility with love, her time on this earth is limited. Better for you to take the high road than to have guilt about things you said in anger that can never be unsaid once mom is gone.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to TekkieChikk
Report

Why not let her move out into assisted living? She'll have people of her own age. This is only going to get worse you know and your children shouldn't have to be put through this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Kimber166
Report
anonymous828521 Sep 6, 2019
Agree with Kimber166, well said!
(0)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter