Follow
Share

I will try to keep this brief - a lot to the story - Older sibling moved in with my mother about 4 years ago. The deal for him was - if he takes care of mom - she's 83 years old - until she passes, then her house and property are his...... He works full time, mom can get around (slowly) and still drives.


The problem is when he moved in he brought all his crap from his house with him - (he is somewhat a hoarder) and I have been after him to clean up his crap now for years. For whatever reasons he has not done this - always say's he will - never does it. Now the house is a fire hazard, a fall hazard and the list goes on. Mom has always catered to him and thinks nothing is wrong - says he takes excellent care of her - I don't really doubt that part as I have seen him with her in action and is acceptable. The problem is the house now - not a clean surface in the entire house - no bedroom set up for him to sleep in - there's a bedroom - you just can't get into it because of all his crap - his crap is all over her house - can't use the kitchen because of it - can't use the dining room because of it - living room is almost the same way. He brought his 2 pit bull dogs with him and the house is now dirty and stinks like the dogs - carpets ruined - general filth everywhere because you can't get to anything to even try to clean.


His name & my name are on the deed to the house along with my mothers.


I found out because she thinks nothing is wrong- and his name is on the deed - I can't kick him out. Mom has ALWAYS catered to him and he's her number 1 son - can't do anything wrong (he's done plenty wrong all his life) and when I even try to talk to her about this - all she does is gives excuses for him - things are never his fault.


I am at my wits end with him and I am always the "bad" guy for - according to her - always harping on him.


I am looking for advice on how to handle this unsafe situation.


Thank you!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

4 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You are up against some very difficult challenges; hoarding, pets and your mother's willing participation in protecting her golden child. I think the only area you have any hope of controlling even a little is the state of the house, I would encourage them to hire a cleaning service to keep things within the bounds of normalcy, if you can find storage for the overflow that may be helpful as well (but bro may just continue to fill the empty spaces). Pitch this as a win for both of them, relieving your bro and mother of this chore so they have time for other things.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
M
Michael60 Oct 2018
Thank you for your advice - they have a "cleaning lady" that comes every two weeks but she can't clean properly because of all the crap. He already has one storage unit full of what he couldn't "fit" into her house. Her big back porch is now the "other" storage unit and everything out on that porch is ruined now but he always says " I want to keep that - I'll use it one day" - and that "day' has never come and never will. I know him and his ways.
I have been talking to him about this for 4 years now ............nothing gets done. I'm tired of talking as that does not solve the problem - he just doesn't listen to me. I have thought of hiring a "clean up crew" to haul all his crap to the dump but I know that would be a out right fight.
I have been thinking about calling Social Services about this - maybe they could "lite a fire under him" to get this house back in order.
Any ideas about that plan?
thank you !
(0)
Report
I'm in the midst of a similar situation myself in which the "bad" child (who never actually left home and has personality disorder) has taken over most of my parents' fairly large house with his (literal) junk. Also parents enabling. I think if your mom has capacity to make her own decisions then it isn't your problem to solve (as infuriating as that is) and if you assert the fact that your name is also on the deed that could go south for you quickly and you may end up kicked off of it. If you still have a decent relationship with your brother then maybe take him aside and try to agree on some dates that you will work on the junk together. If you offer to help maybe it will happen. I always found helping my mom clear out stuff very therapeutic (when she still had the will to stand up to my brother), though he eventually even turned THAT against me, claiming I took "family heirlooms" to the goodwill. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
M
Michael60 Oct 2018
Thank you and I am sorry you are going through this similar situation - I do still have a decent relationship with him and I have offered through the years to help him do what it takes to get the place cleaned up - but he never has calls me or will set a date to help him............ I don't care weather my name is on the deed or not - I want nothing from her estate after she's gone - That's why I made that offer to my sibling in the first place --------hoping he would "do the right thing" and it would give him incentive ........ That didn't work !
thank yo for your advice !
(0)
Report
A visit from social services could help as they clearly view hoarding as evidence of some dysfunction. Could also inflame the situation if they think you are the one who called them in. You could make an anonymous report and if you are accused then shrug "Maybe the cleaner called because he/she was worried about you." Remember, if there is nothing wrong with the situation, then APS will shrug too and no one is worse off.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
M
Michael60 Oct 2018
Thank you - I think your right - I think a anonymous call to social services is the only answer at this point............ and they WILL find plenty wrong with her situation !
thank you again !
(1)
Report
Some people have reported having success calling animal control anonymously.
Seems it is ok for people to live in dirty, unsafe conditions, but hoarding and animals are first looked after by animal control. Then, animal control makes the unsafe unsanitary conditions report to APS, or the dept. of health and safety.

If the dogs are removed, your brother can work to get them back by making the home clean, safe, and livable.

It is very important that the elderly have a safe space to walk through so they will not fall.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter