I need some advice about my grieving Mother!

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My dad died 5 months ago. My mom and dad were married for 52 years and lived in the same home for 30 of those years. My brother lives in the MIL house attached to my mom's house. For 4 months he "cared" for my mother making sure she got meals, taking her to church, etc. One day my mom came to my home and said she wants to die. Then the truth came out... My brother and his wife told her to stop crying all of the time. Then my brother has alienated all of my mother's friends and church family by posting nasty messages about how they should be helping her. I had no idea all of this was going on until that day she came to my home. I took her to the dr and she said my mother is clinically depressed and she put my mom on paxil. So my husband and I agreed to let her stay with us until it started working. That was a month ago. During that time my brother has continued to destroy my mother's relationship with everyone. He even threatened to break my nose and put me in the hospital because he is so angry I brought her to my home to give her a break from him. So she goes to visit them at her house every other day. I used to go with her until he started making threats towards me and my family as I refuse to take his mental abuse. I am ready for her to go back home but my mom says she is going to die if she does. So basically my mother's house stays vacant as my brother takes over and he bullies everyone into getting what he wants. She is compliant with him, and doesn't want to sell her home to move closer to me because my brother will have no where to go, and she has no regards for how much my family is suffering during her stay here. Still she refuses to go home. Meanwhile I have 4 children. My home is only 1500 square feet. She is sleeping in my daughters room on her bed while my daughter has to sleep on a blow up bed, she has 2 large dogs in my house in cages because they are aggressive towards my dogs so I cannot let them out together, she won't let me go back to working or volunteer in my children's school because she doesn't want to be alone, and she watches me drink alcohol to relieve my stress and smiles when I fall asleep like this is funny or something! Her clothes are hanging up in the middle of my living room, and her cat is in a cage in my daughter's room because she is worried one of us will let her out. My relationship with my husband and children is poor because she monopolizes my time constantly. Why doesn't she see what she is doing to me and my family? Why is she allowing my brother to dictate everything while we suffer? How do I convince her to go back home? Every time I mention it she tells me she doesn't belong anywhere and cries and if I tell her how hard this is on everyone she makes me feel like I'm a mean horrible person. What do I do? Please Help!

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Cordo sometimes you have to be selfish and blunt. Some people might even say harsh. But you can't help anyone if you are unhappy which you obviously are.

I had to come out and say very bluntly to my mother-in-law who I can't stand "I don't want to live with you and I never will" It sounded harsh but now she is under no illusions that one day she will live with us.

So at the risk of hurting someones feelings you have to say what you will put up with and what you won't put up with. They say charity begins at home but if that means losing your mind in the process then there has to be an alternative.
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I want to Thank everyone for your replies and after taking my mom to church today I feel more confident in where this is going. My mom does not drink and knows better then to drink while on medication besides my wine is stored in my bedroom where she cannot get it! I have a good head on my shoulders most of the time but I get tired, desperate, cand weak at times and I've learned from past tragedies in my life going and getting help in forums has always helped me. I am always open for advice and I don't take any comments personal. So I appreciate all who have taken the time to post to me!
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Cordo, thank you for answering back. It is people like you, courageous, sensitive to others, and willing to take the difficult actions necessary to really help someone! You are stronger than you knew! Keep up the good job well done! There must be others praying for you, for mom, and brother. I was without hope for your situation until your answers here. Persevere, do not give up! You will make it! If you get discouraged that it appears as if it is all on your shoulders, check back so we can support you.
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Thank you sendme2help! I reached out to her church friends and took her to church this morning. I showed her that they love and accept her no matter what my brother does! We are in a grief share group and I am in the process of finding a therapist. I'm going to check out NAMI as well thank you. As far as my sil goes she is pretty much like my brother and more controlling at times! Thank you I'm beginning to make sense of things I just needed to know that me feeling guilty about hurting my mom must not out weigh what is good myself and my family
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Solution in part. Take your mother's pets to board and care, at her expense. Maybe she can control brother enough to take them home and care for them.

Let me tell you the final outcome of a similar story: After her husband died, the mother was put in a AL home, she abandoned her pets to board and care and lost her "two cars" to the remaining siblings, after the one with the worst mental illness died--after everyone tried everything to save him. She lost her home. Along this heartbreaking path, she too tried to control each sibling, force them to care for her dogs and cats (there were too many), and when things with her own medical issues became too much, checked into a local hotel to avoid the visiting nurse. Your story doesn't sound too much different.
You and your Mom, or just you, can attend NAMI meetings for families of mentally ill, six weeks of classes and you will find answers for your brother. Take his wife with you?
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Cordo, You are putting your entire family at risk and you do not have that right.
You are not the victim here, you have allowed the situation and become enmeshed and enabling. Take your mother home, help her settle in, (taken care of sad memories of Dad?), stay the nights with her if you want to sacrifice yourself. When/if brother has threats, or comes in mother's house, call 911 just like you would with any criminal. If she won't evict him, then go back home, without her.

This is harsh, but it will take harsh to make a difference. Only you know what the truth is, and you have not said much about where the brother's wife is in all of this. Is she a victim too, or what? An ally? What about your mother's pastor?

Save yourself. Your husband, your marriage, your children, your pets. You need to start hearing in your own mind
what story your daughter is going to be saying when she relates how her own mother treated her growing up. Save your daughter, if you have any strength left.

You do not need sympathy at this time, but here is big hug as you go on your way to take care of business! Be well, be safe, call 911.
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PAXIL, and other S.S.R.I.'s can have dangerous side effects, leading to suicidal ideation, outbursts, even rage. Your mother's condition should be treated by a geriatric psychiatrist, follow up. How do you know that your mother is not also drinking, mixing this with the medications can kill her. Get the alcohol out of the house, you are not helping. Have you heard about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the person you are trying to help?

Has your husband moved out yet? It is time that you went to him, sat down and had a talk. To avoid tears, get dressed and go to the nearest coffee shop, ask him for the solution that you are unable to see clearly.

Consider this, if your mom is visiting your brother (and his wife) every other day, then she is okay to stay in her own home!!!!

Really, I do understand how you cannot see clearly, get yourself some counseling and medication might be better for you than alcohol??

The 'church' friends may have stopped for reasons other than your brother.
Your situation is very sorry, but only you and your husband can solve the issues.
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Cordavan, there is a wonderful organization for problem drinkers called Moderation Management. Google them; it's an awesome online community with loads of good supports.
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My first question is not is the paxil helping but is she actually taking it. Your mother may be capable of more manipulation than you ever imagines. Did your father just put up with things for a quiet life?
Everyone needs time to grieve and it may even take up to 2 years for someone to get over the death of a long time spouse but those who are really grieving usually just want to curl up in a ball and have nothing to do with anyone. Give her another month then start enforcing the rules. First stop her clothes come out of the living room. Let her keep what she essentially needs for the current season and everything else gets packed up and stored somewhere or if that is not possible they go back to her house till the season rolls around when they are exchanged. Your house your rules. Start taking her to church and I mean you going with her. School is starting soon so resume you volunteering, she can volunteer too but I bet she won't want to do that. Give her chores to do around the house. Start working at least half a day again. You are dealing with a three year old here who does not want to be left at pre K, You know the drill kiss them good bye and out the door fast.
No not that simple my dear i know that but if you don't start taking steps this will never end and you too will end up without a spouse.
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Jeanne Gibbs yes I your absolutely right as my parents have been enabling my brother for years ! I get it but when it involves my family's well being something must be done!
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