I need more space from my Mom. Thoughts?

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My place is just too small for both my Mom and myself and it's starting to drive me nuts. Since my Mom sold her home we have the resources to buy a home versus the apartment I have been renting which would give us more room and I would have privacy. I have been house hunting and found a home that would be perfect for both of us yet I'm nervous about purchasing a home, it's mostly cash so our expenses would not be much, about the same as what I have been paying for renting my place. I just need more space! My Mom and I are constantly bumping into each other and I have very little privacy. Thoughts?

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Yes, I understand that Medicaid will pay for only a nursing home which will be the last resort for my Mom. She is easy to take care of and not demanding. She has vascular dementia and from what I read it will only progress as I am witnessing.

I believe the laws vary from state to state and I trust the elder care attorney I sat down with yesterday as he has much experience in these matters. My best friend's husband suffered 2 serious strokes and Medicaid paid for everything without touching her house or finances. My best friend also received her husband's SS check while he was in a nursing home.

This elder care attorney assured me nothing can happen to the house later down the road. He handled many cases the same as my Mom's and I trust him.
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Just an FYI - Medicaid CAN help pay, but ONLY for nursing homes. This is not the first choice for early dementia stages (still somewhat functional/lucid), AND those 5 year look-backs others mention are true. IF you went nursing home route at any time, THEY can take any and all assets - Social Security, pensions are a given, and if she has any money (think they are allowed to have like 2000$) or a home, THEY can/will take it or at the least take a lien on that half... beware!!
Elder Care attorneys are not cheap but they can help set things up to protect the patient and any assets. We finished up trust for funds and condo last year, and have just gotten a very reluctant mom into a memory care facility today! Don't know how well this will work, as short-term memory is shot and she has been so adamant about being independent and refusing to move ANYWHERE...
I do agree about being wary about buying - you may need those assets to help pay for in-home help or a place better than nursing home (last resort!)
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Thanks everyone for all your replies! My Mom and I went to see an elder care attorney yesterday and in the state we live in the attorney told us the best thing to do with the proceeds of the sale of my Mom's house would buy another home. He explained all the reasons why and this way my Mom would be eligible for Medicaid (without Medicaid looking back 5 years). He said the house will be deeded to me after my Mom passes (goodness that's hard to type).

Originally it was my Mom's idea to buy a house and we could use a larger place. I need to think of the future as far as my well being after my Mom is no longer living as well as my Mom getting the help she needs when I myself can no longer care for her (meaning when her dementia gets worse).

I would be happy in the "right" home with no stairs (I'm no spring chicken myself)... I'll take my time looking. Finding someone to help me is not easy as I live in a very rural area (which I love because of all the nature).. The biggest stress reliever was giving up my Mom's dog because it was too much for me walking him 3 to 4 times a day and walking on ice (they don't treat the dirt roads here with salt, only the main roads).
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Chill1947. My husband has Kewy Bodies also. When I wanted to downsize to a condo, everyone told me to rent first to make sure it was workable. I'm really glad I did. Two moves were very hard on both of us, but apartment living was just not for my husband. He does much better in a peaceful neighborhood. I hate having to manage landscapers and maintenance, too, but it's necessary right now. You will need someone to come relieve you at least once a week so you can run errands, etc. Let them clean the house!
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Locked, not licked, but that wouldn't surprise me either.
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When my husband and I sold our house, I wanted to downsize, so rented a high rise apartment downtown. I LOVED it, but all the commotion added to my husband's confusion. I bought a larger home, fully ADA, all one floor, and room for a live in if eventually needed. Like all people with dementia, he had trouble adjusting, but once he did, I think he is much happier. I agree with all the cautionary steps everyone is reminding you of how will you handle wandering? I sleep in the room with my husband with doors licked. Are you prepared to clean up after your mother when she mistakes a bathroom drawer for a toilet? Or pees in the fireplace? Not saying it can't be done, just be prepared. It's not easy. And yes, be sure to talk with attorney who specializes in elder law.
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JennaRose, may I suggest you look for a larger apartment on the ground floor, BUT make sure that it is handicap accessible. By having wider doors, grab bars and showers, it would be easier to maneuver should your mom need a wheelchair. This way, since it's all ready set up for people with disabilities you would not have to possibly move again, because the doorways weren't wide enough or your mom can't lift her legs to get into the tub. You will have enough to worry about without adding yard work and maintenance repairs on top of your responsibilities. My husband was just diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia and I am looking to downsize from a two-story to a one story and I will also be caring for my mom. I surely don't need a large home to clean, hardworking to do, and call someone to do repairs. I would rather live in an apartment or tow home where someone else does the repairs and yard work. Just something for you to consider, we already have our plate full by being caregivers, we don't need to make any more work for ourselves. May God strengthen and guide you on this journey.
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I read these medicare issues & wonder at you all - I live in Canada & there is no looking back 5 years/use up family assets until less than $2000.00 - when you need help you get it, you pay your am't per month mandated by the province & that's tax deductible on income tax as a medical expense - I not moving south anytime soon ..no way... no how

I know a couple who went around the world literally for a year & their health care insurance was 1/2 if they did not go to U.S.A. - it's a money grab as far as I can see - I'm looking into investing in it as that's 'free' money as I see it - I pay $2347CDN$ [approx. $1760.25 US$] for my mom's private room with meals, laundry, nursing care, meds dispensing [gov't pays all but $200.00 a year for her ... diabetes & all], physio 2x a week plus about 10 recreational interactions

Good luck to you all - fyi Canadian gov't info lines repeatedly crashed from 9 Nov on from calls from U.S.A. - get in line because we don't just take anyone you must show you will be an asset to our community - what you say is an invasion of your liberties is bullroar - here we no longer go broke taking care of a sick family member but if you want to have the liberty of going broke doing so then enjoy - I read so much about this that I am gobsmacked that you put up with that treatment from your gov't ...... staying this side of border for now & maybe for ever - M
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The advantages of owning a home need to balance with the disadvantages. You are responsible for taxes, insurance, maintenance, these are also costs that you'l;l never recover, which could amount to more than the rent, and all of which will offset the equity you hope to preserve or increase. Then you can't control your "exit strategy"--you can't predict being able to sell if needed at the price you need.
You might be able to set up a trust to hold title to the house, or the proceeds of the sale of your mom's house, which could give you a lot of flexibility. of which you are the trustee, and will inherit automatically without probate. You don't know when your mom's needs will overwhelm your energy and ready cash, and you don't want to put her through any more moves than possible. Talk to the Aging specialists in your community, a good elder care lawyer and accountant.
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I'm a single woman caring for my mom as sole caregiver with no family help. I live 4 blocks away not with her - she is in her own apartment with 24/7 aides provided throught the NHTD Medicaid Waiver program, but I am always there taking care of meds, food shopping, supervision, being daughter and caregiver) I didn't think I would be in my little apartment for as long as I have been (moved to be close to mom) and often long for more space. I, too, have thought about getting something bigger to accomodate mom and me as she continues to decline (dementia and health - she is 94 y/o) and something with more amenities (life a washer and dryer, etc.) My reality check was this:
1) a house takes a lot of maintenance and that means, time energy and money. As it is time, energy and money mostly go toward mom right now so realistically it would be another huge commitment that will make my life tougher at this point;
2) If I were to move now to a larger place outfitted for the disabled and mom's needs, is that where I will want to live when mom passes away? Will I then need to move again?
3) Now for mom's sake I need to be near to conveniences, but my dream would be to live in a quieter more rural settling. So, will I be short-changing myself with such a commitment that does not meet my future desires and really will not lend much to mom's life at this time?
4) The change would be very hard on mom with dementia. Just being in the hospital or rehab for a couple of weeks totally messes with her head and she becomes much more disoriented, insecure and doesn't know where she is supposed to be permanently (e.g. always moving). She needs what is familiar around her and she needs her age old routines;
5) Given how tired I feel now, the thought of taking on a home purchase and a move when I think realistically about all that entails is overwhelming;
6) So very sorry for the loss of your brother. Grief is a funny thing - the way it plays with our emotional selves and our psyches. In a way, when our parents have dementia we already start to grieve the loss of the person we knew and loves and we grieve for what the illness does to them. It is a very hard time in life and more difficult for you with the passing of your brother. I'd say hang tight and try working on small things that might make your life and your mom's life better and easier. You didn't say much on the privacy part and don't know how small your apartment is now. I imagine it must be difficult to have a freer adult life, entertain friends privately, etc. which is a necessary part of maintaining your own "self" and mental health as you care for your mom. Maybe you can try to be good to your self and do things that bring you happiness, in addition to trying to care for and provide happiness and stability for your mom. God bless you and Good Luck!
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