Need information for my children. Their father (my ex) is living alone and has been in hospital or ER monthly.

Unfortunately, your ex husband cannot be forced to move to assisted living as long as he is competent. He cannot be made to change his lifestyle either. What your children can do is inform the doctor of the situation with their father. Your children could also have a family meeting with therir father in order to set boundaries and limits with him. I would recommend using "I" statements such as I cannot take care of your health issues as I have my own. I cannot have another person living with me as I have enough people to handle already. Your ex needs to have private funds for admittance into assisted living. Setting boundaries are key in this situation. If their father becomes verbally abusive, they all walk away. Solidarity among the siblings is important too. Hopefully, they can stand strong. Maybe by standing firm, he will change his behaviors.

There really isn't much you can do except be understanding of the kids' concerns, advise them that unless he is deemed incompetent there isn't anything they can do to change things, and highly recommend they set boundaries. Given at least one has medical issues and children to care for, those boundaries need to be firm and limited to absolute necessities that can't be managed any other way. Minimal help/contact. For instance:

If the dad can't drive, do some limited shopping (certainly not on-demand) and/or set him up with delivery service. Most stores will do that now (for a small fee of course.) Medication can likely also be delivered.

If he can't properly clean/care for his home, provide him with information about home services. Cleaning, laundry, property care if it is a house, some personal care if needed, and any resources available to help defray the cost, etc. Give him that information and say these are his choices and leave it at that (and leave/hang up if he starts his nonsense!)

Otherwise, hands-off. If the man is combative for simple things, he won't be any better about granting any POAs or listening to suggestions. If they don't answer the phone, he can leave a message. Pick and chose any requests made in those messages - only take on the simplest tasks, if any at all. Refer back to the service information provided for anything else. Since he is still "competent", he can maintain his control over the services, not the kids!

If your divorce was at all unpleasant (and aren’t they all?) your children may not be willing to accept your judgement about your ex, or your advice about what to do. My ex and I got to be on much better terms in the final months of his life. The old problems just didn’t seem relevant any longer. Perhaps if you could bury the hatchet with your ex, your children might be able to see their father as ‘independent and difficult’ rather than an old man on his own who has only them to help him. They need to accept that they can’t really help, as the other posters have made clear.

Let's not forget that an Assisted Living facility has standards that your ex needs to meet before he can move in. From what you have written, I doubt any Assisted Living would accept him because he is still able to do for himself.

My Dad was in Assisted Living because he needed caregivers to help him with daily tasks.

Imho, this is a losing battle if the ex is going to continue to "showtime" in front of the doctor and then not follow through with his promised changes.

Depression is a key, but because he is functioning to a level of adequate nutrition and not creating or in a unsafe environment. He is of sound mind and you can not do what he does not want. From what you said...go back to the Dr. but talk to him first and give him his functioning abilities. With his medical condition....a good Dr. would say, "you must". His son is wise and has his own unmet family needs and is not a "want to be caregiver". Believe me, it would be a disaster for him and his family. It does not sound like there is a "want to be caregiver" and that is really good. If he does not understand his rights and refuses the Dir.'s revised directive, he will stay at home and someone will help with shopping,hire a house keeper and be involved to visit him in and out of the hospital. Does he qualify for veterans services? As x wife ...stay out of it like you are. If he stays home and "refuses" whatever... Son looks in often and if he becomes a danger to himself...aps will give you a definition and A.P.S. will get involved.

They can't force him to do anything - even if it is for his own good - unless he is declared incompetent. They will have to set boundaries for how much caregiving - if any - they can do. Any court would say he is free to do as he wishes as long as he seems competent.

They should make sure the next time he ends up in the hospital that they tell they are not available to support him at home and they feel that it is an unsafe discharge for him to be home alone.

Lockett
POA does not give you the responsibility you describe. A POA has to be assigned. Doesn't sound to me the man is incompetent. Even if he assigns someone POA they cannot force him to go anywhere. POAs usually are "springing" meaning the person has to be declared incompetent before it takes effect.

What you are describing is guardianship. And even then, the person has to be found incompetent.

First of all, one of you must get a Power of Attorney so YOU take over the responsibilities for him. Second, you seek the help of the doctors and tell them you are physically unable, etc. to care for him and therefore that option is gone. Be honest with the situation. Get the doctor to get him to go into assisted living. He will get nasty and fight, etc. Do NOT give in. Confront him with the entire family present that due to whatever, i.e. uour own physical reasons, families, etc., you cannot and will not be able to take care of him. Tell him either he goes or you will sever all ties to him in every way and walk away. Be prepared to do that if his impact on your lives is destroying all of you. No one should be allowed this behavior - no matter what. And then get him there. Do NOT allow him to harm and destroy you.

Your children need to stop showing up in the ER. Let their dad do the talking and demonstrating that he is competent. Without their backup, I'll bet his showtiming will diminish.

Social services will get involved if they see a vulnerable elder with many comorbidies who is a frequent visitor to the ER.

Your children can't force their father into a placement.

Your son needs to set boundries. His Dad has made his choices and because of that, he is now paying that price. When a member asked if she was enabling her Mom because she did things for her, another member said it wasn't enabling it was disabling. His Dad needs to move. In like getting up and doing for himself. If there is a transportation problem, sign up for senior busing. Its his life, his death.

I have a disabled nephew who has physical problems which limit his ability to walk distances. He used to ride a bike but now is too heavy to peddle it. I have been around and around with him. So have his doctor's. I oversee him to a point but he is capable of living on his own and make his own decisions. Do I worry, yes, but I cannot change him. At 70 I refuse to keep at him. It only stresses me out and he won't change. I don't need the stress. I have his POAs but I will never go for guardianship. If in the future he needs more care, the state will need to take over. I am getting too old to be responsible for anyone other than my DH.

They cannot force him. They cannot make him do anything. But they can control their response. If they stop enabling him and helping him in his situation, he will have to take care of himself until something happens and he goes to hospital. They likely don't have POA so they can do nothing. If he does go to hospital, they have to refuse to agree to support him at home or to care for him at home.

Assuming that he has funds to pay for assisted living, they can provide him with facility information but I would not waste my time until he requests that.

If Dad is competent - he is competent to make his own living decisions (good or bad).

But if he chooses to not do things, or not pay for services that is also his decision. eg if he can't/won't shop, clean, drive, this does not mean his adult kids have do it by default.

The adult kids get to decide to help (or not). They also decide how much help & when. Some call in morning & night, shop, cook etc. Others may give a daily phone call & drive to appointments. Others may only do social visits for birthdays & holidays. Every family differs.

It is Dad's responsobility to do or arrange his own help outside what is freely offered to him.

You cannot force anyone without severe diagnosed dementia to go anywhere. There isn't a thing that you can do about poor choices of another. At 72, by today's standards, still young and in charge. After a diagnosis of dementia a child can, if he or she wishes, apply or guardianship, or can report to APS that the adult needs and will not accept care, and give guardianship over to the state to manage if the adult is unsafe.

Forgot to mention, their father is 72 years old.