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I am my MIL's main caregiver for 12 hours each day until my husband gets home. She believes she is being held captive against her will. She recently began physically abusing me by slapping my hand when she wasn't happy with lunch or pulling my hair. Now the abuse has become very violent. Please understand that she is 94 years old and by no means frail. She outweighs me by a good 100 pounds and is freakishly strong when she's angry. She is on medication and recently levels have been increased to help calm her. Unfortunately it's still not enough. She has tried several times to break windows out or she tries to plow through doors like a linebacker. Once I get into the area to stop her from breaking windows she attacks me. I've had bloody gouges from her finger nails on my face and arms. Multiple bruises from her kicking me and recently a broken toe from her slamming the door so hard into my foot that it tore my toenail off. We tried calling 911 just to get her checked in the hospital but are told to pick her up and bring her back home. We're told to contact her doctor for more meds. Even with the increased levels of meds, she still is aggressive and really strong. Our home care group will no longer come because of her violence towards them. I feel like I'm going to die before she does. I'm terrified to be alone with her but we no longer know what to do. Please help.

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First of all, the next time she attacks you, immediately call the police so a report is filed. Also try calling 911 for help to get her to the hospital. Once she is there, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO N O T, NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID OR DONE TAKE HER BACK HOME. If your husband objects, be prepared to leave the house for a while and stay away to force him to take care of her and stay away from work or give in and have her placed. I don't see any other way except to say she is too dangerous for her to be around you - you are afraid and she has harmed you badly. Stand your ground.
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MAYDAY Sep 2020
As harsh as this sounds, your husband does need to handle his mom. Yup.

When she is in hospital, suggest they check for UTI's
If they ask anything. Tell them you want her evaluated for Palliative or Hospice Care. Why? because we want to be evaluated...
Make sure she has living trust, DNR, PO.LST in order.
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As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL's bizzare behaviors could be a side effect of current meds or UTI. My mom has similar behaviors on a newly introduced med to help with extreme violence toward & abuse of CG and trying to run away! And my mom is also very strong.
CG stopped new medication, and we're trying an herbal supplement and she's finally calm. Please continue telling Dr. They need to help you BOTH find a solution. You don't deserve to be continually abused. Put your safety and well-being first ASAP. Hugs 🤗.
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Oh no no no
Call your Office on Aging or a County Board of Social Services and speak with the social worker
Your in danger and your mil needs specialized treatment. If they can’t control her behavior with medication she belongs in a psychiatric facility.
Shes a danger to your family and herself,
Dont let this go call 911 when she acts out
I can’t believe it’s not taken more seriously at the hospital

If your a danger to self or others you need psychiatric care
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Tudy72 Sep 2020
I agree completely!! Your mil is a danger and must go to a psychiatric unit! Please rake action and when the police arrive say she a danger to herself and to you! I think 911 is not the same as calling for police intervention. The police have to write up a report. They can take her to a hospital!
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Imho, this living dynamic is not working. Your life is in potential peril with you being attacked by your MIL, a strong woman albeit with a broken brain. This living arrangement must be amended now! Prayers sent
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What a horror! I feel so bad for you. When my Dad got "combative" with staff in a nursing home he was in, they found him placement in an ALZ. unit. He didn't technically have ALZ., but the staff there knew how to handle the patients, how to calm them down, how to deal with the different things that ALZ. presents. And when it comes down to handling patients who are our relatives, I am a believer in the magic of staff people who are patient but anonymous, in a sense. My mother and I were at each other's throats till I got her a nice room in an AL facility. She wouldn't bathe for me, but she would for the nice gals who worked there. Taking the old, family resentments off the table by getting them care in appropriate facilities worked for both of my parents. My Dad has passed away but my mother is going strong at 96. And she loves it there!
Good luck.
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Amazedin2020 Sep 2020
Thank you for sharing your story. My 86 year old mother pulled a butcher knife on me today or yesterday 9/13/2020, and my 90 year old father does not want her placed. She was a physically abusive mother and a psychological bully, my father a passive aggressive narcissist - never wrong and never home to stop the abuse. I like what you said about putting distance between old family resentment and introducing fresh and capable assistance that makes sense. I am not sure how to work around her husband, but I appreciate the insight. Thank you.
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I would be terrified too! This is NOT OK. No one should live like this!

She needs a major medication change and/or needs to move ASAP.
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Please call 911 and say she is a danger to herself and others and needs psychiatric hospitalization. In the hospital they will try medications which will a) calm her b) be a possible anti-psychotic which will limit delusional thinking. When the hospital wants to send her home to her AYOU ABSOLUTELY MUST REFUSE TO TAKE HER HOME. I know that sounds harsh but we have been through this and once hospitalized, it will be up to the hospital to find a home for her. You have my sympathy but my mother-in-law became settled and sweet after placement.
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It sounds as if she’s having an adverse reaction to her meds. Seroquel caused a psychotic break in my father that he never fully came back from. Look to see if there is a geriatric psychiatric facility that will keep her and find meds that will work. ERs do not want to keep elders who can become confused and even more violent in an unfamiliar environment. Also, seek advice from Adult Protective Services. They can guide you to available alternatives.
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Hopefully you can get her in a memory care, I would try everything to not bring her home.
If she comes back home, you will have to secure the home, as you would for a two year old for everyone’s safety. Magnetic locks on all Cubbard doors, locks on all inside doors, for your security, knives, sharp objects, breakables if any kind put away, we even rented a small
rental unit, to make the house safe. My Mother was put on
an anti anxiety/ antidepressant, Celexa, Seraquil, an anti psychotic, 10 mg melatonin 3 times daily, a sleep pill, Trazadone, and an emergency tablet to calm her, if necessary. We call them vitamins to keep her health and younger. She went from being violent, to calm and more pleasant. Medicade paid for a helper Parttime, so we could leave the house. You must take care of yourself and spouse first, before you can give to her, get in a good support group, they offer many resources.
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As I commented in agreement with someone else, pack your things, have a plan for a place to stay, have a discussion with your husband about this being an untenable situation. Make it clear that either he deals with it or you will leave.

If he dismisses it or doesn't plan to do anything about it, then LEAVE when he is home with her. Let HIM deal with it, it is HIS mother. DON'T fall for any excuses or blame laid on you. Stand firm that either she goes or you do, and follow through if you have to. Your life may depend on it.
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This situation is heartbreaking and unhealthy. There are some very good suggestions here. However, you are truly at risk for continued injury. I hope you remove her or yourself from the living situation. It concerns me that your husband allows this abuse to continue in the home. You are an adult tolerating abuse and caring for a very ill person. You need to live in peace/safety and she needs to live in a facility with trained staff.
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You’ve had lots of good advice about constructive things to do, and you haven’t got back to report or say what you intend to try. If you feel that it’s impossible for you to do anything, I’d (for once) go along with Shad. Walk out of the house yourself to run an errand, and unfortunately forget to close the front door properly. What happens next doesn’t involve you. If you get accused of being irresponsible, make it clear that everyone else is being irresponsible too.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Blaming others won't diminish any blame on her. This is not the advice she needs to hear!
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Yes I am wondering if MIL acts that way with her son too?

When the next transfer to hospital is done, what is the barrier to Harmony refusing to allow discharge home? Her own thoughts she must continue? Lack of confidence to stand up to hospital staff?

If she DID refuse discharge, would her DH overrule & allow MIL home? Or would he lay on the guilt & pressure?

A solution will work best if the OP & her husband are united. Best plan: a loving couple working together, acknowledging they need more help & seeking it.

Alternative plan: Harmony has to leave. Leave MIL, home & marriage for her own safety. It does come to this in many households - before the husband opens his eyes.
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Since your MIL's behavior changed just recently, it is quite possible that she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Behavioral changes are one of the signs/symptoms of an elderly person having a UTI. You need to get her to the doctor ASAP so that he/she can check for a UTI and start her on an antibiotic.
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wow, sorry to hear this, well when you call 911 and then they go to release her.......tell them NO.......you cannot take care of her anymore and that they will have to place her.  YOU CAN REFUSE to take her back home and your hubby should be backing you 100%.  You haven't said whether she acts that way with your hubby.  I don't understand why a MC or NH won't take her.  they have ways and meds to keep her calm.  Its sad to say that, but apparently she is going thru the "nasty" stage of dementia........I think it happens to all.  My father would pick up his walker and shake it in the air (my mom told me this).  He also called the cops (mom not knowing this) and said he was only being fed burnt toast and water.  They came and talked to me along with my parents.  dad was calmer then.  So its one of the stages but you should NOT have to put up with the abuse even if she doesn't remember doing it or having control over it.  It would be terrible if she hit you with something and knocked you out and your hubby came home to find you lying on the floor.  Contact office of aging or again or get a doctors written paper indicating the meds she is on and that they are not working, REFUSE to take her back home.  I am wishing you luck.........
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Call 911 and send her to the hospital ASAP. Call it altered mental status and REFUSE to bring her home. Ask for a social worker at the hospital to try and place her somewhere. You cannot endure this any longer. Sorry but your husband deserves a good hard kick for allowing this abuse to continue.
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Tenajh Sep 2020
I AGREE 100%
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She must be checked for UTI immediately! If not dealt with, they quickly escalate to aggression and violent behaviors in our elders.
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First off, it's time for you to stop being her caregiver. Her husband must be made to understand that she needs to be put into a nursing home at this point because in-home care is no longer an option for them.
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You have been put in a very difficult situation, many of us know what it's like. You haven't given much info on your MIL's diagnosis, if she is seeing a neurologist as well as her GP and where you and you husband stand with regard to power of attorney, and if one of you accompanies her to appointments.

If your MIL has Alzheimer's, she is likely experiencing BPSP, behavioral and phycological symptoms of dementia. Her GP should check her for things that might be causing or contributing to distress, such as UTI, joint pain, constipation, thyroid, etc. She should have an MRI. Once such potential issues are eliminated, a number of antipsychotic drugs are often prescribed. This may be what you are referring to when you say, "she is on medication". You need to know what she is taking, the dosage and whether she is actually taking it as prescribed.

Your MIL cannot control her behavior, parts of her brain are malfunctioning due to the disease. She is as miserable as you are. The various drugs prescribed in the US sometimes work, sometimes don't. They are not intended for dementia behavior issues and can have concerning side effects.

Your journey is just beginning. Things will get much more complicated if/when your MIL becomes incontinent, unable to communicate, unable to prepare food or eat on her own. The aberrant behavior does not stop.

This is extremely controversial, particularly in the US, where it is Federally illegal. Research is being conducted around the world on cannabis and it's ability to mitigate these behaviors. A synthetic form, Sativex, is being studied in nursing homes in Israel. It's being used for MS patients as well. Availability of cannabis products are limited in the US and I don't think Sativex is known or being prescribed. There are a variety of full spectrum cannabis products available in some legal states.

I'm using a tincture for my wife who has advancing Alzheimer's. It's 1 to 1 THC and CBD, not the hemp CBD sold on convenience store counters. I use a very small dose, 0.25ml THC / 0.25ml CBD. It can be put on food or placed under the tongue. Each dose lasts about 3.5hrs. This has changed her life. Upbeat, happy, compliant, engaged, singing to music and speaking in complete sentences at times. A months supply costs about $75/oz where I am. There are edibles, vapes, etc. After a year of trying alternatives, the tincture works well in my situation. The dose and administration can take some experimenting for each individual. The alternative is pharmaceutical restraint with the potential side effects, and perhaps, minor reduction in the patients anxiety.

I'm not a beginner. I've been a full time caregiver for 5 years. We have been through clinical trials, studied and tried various supplements, taken the typical pharmaceuticals prescribed, seen numerous physicians and neurologists. My wife was the picture of health, setting national track records in her 50's, an NCAA hall of famer and a former corporate executive. We are not the type to fall for "snake oil" and there is plenty of that out there for those of us that are desperate for help. It was with great caution and trepidation that I tried the cannabis. It was an instant game changer for us. A year later, I find I need a slight increase in dosage and I need to be on time, every 3.5hrs.

Good luck, you have a lot of work ahead starting with the paperwork, informing your husband and family and coming up with a plan for the future that doesn't put the burden completely on you. At this point, somebody needs to take the reins, make the gravity of the situation fully understood and look at the issues without the emotional involvement you currently feel. If you can get the behavior under control, things will be easier.
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InFamilyService Sep 2020
Wonderful advice and certainly worth a try to calm this violent behaviour.
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One question? Are you living in HER home or is your MIL living in YOUR home? This makes a huge difference. If it's her home and no doctors find her incompetent, it's you and/or your husband that need to move out. Your husband may need to get POA and medical POA if he wants to make medical and/or financial decisions for her. Only with these legal papers, can you move her to a Nursing facility or other homes. If not, you and he have no jurisdiction over her. If it's your home, you can ask doctor to admit her to hospital for thorough evaluation on her physical and mental capacity. Then, you can refuse to pick her up and the State will have to figure out where to place her. Might find a home to put her in. I was caregiver for both my Grandparents who had Alzheimer's but at different times. They would become violent sometimes with each other, my grandfather lashing out within the disease and my grandmother defending herself. This is when, I had to place my grandfather in a Hospice Home.
The important thing to remember is that this is your MIL and the mother who raised your husband. Dementia or Alzheimer's is a terrible disease that attacks the mind and completely changes a sane person. This is not the same MIL, but her body and mind taking over by a disease. Please keep this in mind. I have done caregiving also with my Mom, who had a stroke and some cognitive issues that come and go with her stroke symptoms. I remind myself daily, that this is still my Mom who l love and she loves me and I want to do what's best for her and myself. I'm still caring for her and will continue to until the point that I physically or even mentally can't do that properly anymore. As with any patient with a cognitive disease, they didn't ask for this either. Their mind slipping away, being in a black fog of not remembering. It is horrible on their side too.
Everyone is right about checking on medications and also how different medications react to each other and the diet. Sometimes, switching up medications and diets make a huge difference.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
"Your husband may need to get POA and medical POA if he wants to make medical and/or financial decisions for her. Only with these legal papers, can you move her to a Nursing facility or other homes."

Many people, too many really, think POAs will authorize you to place someone in a facility. Nope. Nope. NOPE. These documents authorize you to stand in for the person when they cannot, for making financial or medical decisions, for signing paperwork, etc. You can certainly sign all the paperwork for the facility, but the one thing you CAN'T do with POA is make someone move against their wishes.

I am not a legal person, but this happened to us (it is literally the reason I ended up on this forum!) We did up all the happy legal documents way back in 2006. There were some updates/changes we had to get done when mom developed dementia. The EC atty took her aside and made his own assessment that she was still capable enough to sign the new documents (BTW, NO updates to the DPOA and MPOA.) Then we tried to let mom stay in her own place by starting aides 1 hr/day to check on her. Plan was to increase the time and care provided as needed, but less than 2 months into this, she refused to let them in. Plan B - move.

When bros found out how much MC cost (I knew the ballpark for our area as I did my research on dementia and care facilities!), they were half inclined to take her in! AHAHAHA. SHE wouldn't consider moving anywhere, ESPECIALLY not AL (although this had been in her plans before dementia.) Anyway, the bottom line is the EC atty told me we COULD NOT force her to move and we WOULD have to seek guardianship. Problem there is the facility chosen would NOT accept committals. We never did apply for guardianship. YB came up with a fake letter from hospital services (she'd just been to ER for leg injury, bad infection.) She was mad as a hatter, but she went with the bros.

Despite dementia, despite POAs, we cannot force someone to do anything they refuse to do! I have heard staff in her MC place mention this as well. If a resident says NO, no means no, until the staff can coax them into agreement, make them think it's their idea!

I ran into this myself the other day. EMS called from facility, saying mom was refusing transport. Sorry dude, but even though I have POA, and even if I give ok to take her, if she is refusing, what are you going to do, strap her down and force her to go? Not likely.

I gave ok to take her to the ER and do testing IF they can convince her to go. No hospitalization. YB agreed. She ended up not going, got mad at the nurse for calling EMS and tried to kick her!! (she's 97, overweight, but wheelchair bound after refusing to stand and walk, long time high BP even with meds, dementia, etc - I saw no point in forcing anything.)

Bottom line is NO, POAs do NOT give anyone authority to move someone. Guardianship would be needed, but unless/until the person is declared incompetent by the court, you can be denied or only given limited oversight.
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Well, we slept late and you clearly have the short and sweet answer...with which I agree, but dear god....I cannot believe all that you have tolerated and the physical pain and suffering, not to mention the emotional you have endured, especially as a daughter in law, and not even her daughter...I don't know if I would have gone beyond the first injury. Yours is the story that make many of us feel relieved and think how lucky we are at how much worse things could be. It is amazing how strong they can be. She is clearly a danger to herself and others (you), so if nothing else works you can call Adult Protective. Can't help but wonder where your husband is in this picture, or how you manage to get any work done since your profile mentions working from home. It could be she is having a reaction to the current medication and needs a different one. I might also suggest finding a local neurologist and/or psychiatrist who specializes in dementia, maybe touch base through the local Alzheimer's Assn...even if you only go to 1 or 2 support group meetings the attendees can be a wealth of info and resources. And once she is in a safe place, I'd say take a vacation...but with the damn virus...I know....Bless you for all you've done and do....many hugs. PS...we're still able to get my mom (98 a week from today) to get her hair "done" most times (every two weeks as it's as often as we can deal with the stress of getting her to go). A nail person is in the next room and fortunately we can get her nails filed only...if it were me...I'd do it as a mitzvah...but this person charges $18. I'm just grateful for the easy option and would gladly pay more because she sure as heck wouldn't allow me or dad to do it. Let us know how it goes....it's not good for you to be frightened for your own well-being. I'm not sure I'd even be alone with her...
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Horrible and you must NOT tolerate this. I would (l) call the police that she has attacked you, etc. so it is on record and (2) call an ambulance for help. You MUST GET HER AWAY FROM YOU INTO A HOSPITAL - From there she an be put into a psych ward. No matter what, do what you must to protect yourself before it is too late. She is not only sick, she seems pure evil.
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Beatty Sep 2020
Dementia comes in many forms. It's not evil, but I know what you mean. It can cause great distress, anger & danger. MIL may be paranoid & think her DIL is hurting her? she may have hallucinations she needs to fight? 'There's a man at the window looking at me!' is a common one. There is no man but the fear is real. The flight or fight response is real too.

This type of patient requires a good mix of highly trained staff, the right meds & a safe environment. Most families would struggle & most family homes are full of potential weapons (little old ladies with their nail scissors hidden in their hand, little old men with the butter knives - seen it many times.
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U must get your husband on board to do this. The reality is hospitals cannot discharge without a safe discharge plan. Before you speak with hospital staff research the safe discharge laws in your state on google. U do not need a lawyer to accomplish this.
Tell them you can no longer keep her safe in your home and refuse to have her return to your home..
The next time you send her for evaluation, when they call you to pick her up, quote safe discharge law in your state to them and refuse. Document who you speak with and ask for supervisor and explain to them also and refuse to pick her up or have someone send her home.
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gdaughter Sep 2020
Actually, husband must be involved as it sounds like he is next of kin...
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Why not contact the local TV station and have them investigate why the government will not put her in a psychiatric hospital. Believe me, once it gains public notice they act fast.
Why not contact a lawyer and have him or her investigate it with a possible law suit for reckless endangerment on your behalf.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2020
It says the MIL has severe dementia. So, she's had a dementia diagnosis from a doctor. Her husband who's living is her next of kin and makes her decisions. The government is not going to lock somebody up because they have dementia or mental illness. This isn't Communist China (yet). If her terrible behavior which is not only a danger to others but to herself as well, isn't reported by her husband to her doctor and then to adult protective services, then no one can do a damn thing. This woman's only choice is to try convincing the MIL's husband that she must go into a nursing home, and to stop being her caregiver. She needs to quit that today. If no care agency will send workers to her because of her violent behavior, then the husband will put her in a nursing home where she belongs.
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Obviously, she is not on the right medicine.

I'm wondering if you press charges against her would the system intervene and give her the help she needs?

I know you may not want to but I know you are tired of begging for help.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2020
The system will likely not intervene if the person responsible for her is still the husband and he doesn't seem too fussed about what to do with her. If you're getting nowhere with the state or with elder protective services, there is something the family can do. Drop her off in an emergency room at a hospital and tell them she needs a Social Admit because there is no one who can care for her at home. The hospital will have her admitted to a nursing home. Then a social worker will work out all the details about payment and insurance when she has been placed.
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Do not get in her way. When she hurts herself call for an ambulance and never, ever bring her home again. She belongs in a geriatric psychiatric hospital and not in your home. What are you waiting for - for her to punch you in the face and break your eye socket, jaw and/or nose? What makes you believe that you have to be her caregiver at all? Your husband seems oblivious and uncaring toward you.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2020
Of course the husband seems oblivious to the caregiving situation his poor wife is suffering in. I'd be willing to bet the whole family is just as oblivious. That's because they're resting easy knowing that there's a good caregiver who's a convenient choice for everyone. So the burden of caring for the violent, crazy elder with severe dementia doesn't fall on any of them. No way, she has to stop caregiving today. I worked many years as an in-home senior caregiver. I had cases where some got violent. If she's going to continue being the MIL's caregiver she should try a new approach. I had a client who was often violent. Not only did she hit and spit, but she was also a biter. One of the many times she'd try to bite me, I grabbed her wrist and got an inch away from her face and said with my teeth closed in a deep and angry voice, "I BITE BACK!". This scared her, but she never tried to bite or hit me again and I worked for her for two more years until she died. We got on fine after this. I cared for her very well and kept her active and engaged. She didn't fight me on any of her care like she did before all the time. When she'd start up every now and then, I'd look her straight in the eyes and use the same tone of voice and say, "DON'T START" and she'd stop.
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Question?
Does she act the same way towards your husband or just you?

You should deffiently get a hold of the Dr again and tell him exactly what's going on and that he needs to try another med or a stronger sedative.

Sad and last resort. But You might have to start using restraints.

Or, if she can get out of bed to break windows and physically attack you, then she should be able to go to the bathroom by herself and eat by herself , ect am I correct?

You should board up the Bedroom window where she can't break it and keep her bedroom door locked except when you deliver her food.

Her bedside toilet pail can be emptied by your husband.

In the meantime while you're having to be in the room, keep your distance from her.

You may try playing soothing music in her room that she use to like and have a TV for her to watch mounted up on the wall like in a Hospital Room.
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notgoodenough Sep 2020
I don't know if I would take it upon myself to use restraints...if not done properly, they can cause some serious injuries. And then the OP is looking at elder abuse charges. Same with locking someone in their bedroom.

Better that either the OP leave and let hubby deal with this s**tshow, or have her placed in a facility that is equipped to handle the MIL's behavior.
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Harmony, I think your beautiful name says it - what you want. A peaceful, harmonious life caring for your family.

Unfortunately sometimes it just isn't possible.

What do you want to happen? The right treatment so MIL can remain calm & you can continue your care role? Or do you want MIL to be placed in a care home? Do you want your husband to acknowledge the problem.

And this is a very serious problem. Please stand up for yourself. Call EMS to have MIL removed for psych evaluation immediately. If you belong to a church, please seek guidance there asap too.
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I am an RN. Your mother is a threat to you and others. Please get her to a psychiatric hospital NOW. She is not only acting out defensively, but in active aggression that could be considered murderous. She needs medications to calm her AND placement in a facility where she can not hurt anybody. When she tries to hurt you, call the police via 911 to help subdue her.
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You and your husband need to take your MIL to a geriatric psychiatrist ASAP. If you are already seeing one then you need to see another different psychiatrist.
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