Need help with mean and ungrateful Mom. Any advice?

Follow
Share

My mom is 75 and lives alone but has been a mean and send centered person all of her life. This is not just something that has just happened.My problem is that I feel so guilty and dont know how to cope with her.Last weak I spent all weak on pleasing her.We took her from Tennesee to WVA and everything even missing work and when we got back she blew u on me because batterey went dead in her car remote.Screaming at me because I forgot to tell her.I went off on her and told her what a sorry excuse for a mother she has been and I shouldnt have but get so sick of it.My brother has never done anything for her or had anything to do with her and I really cant blame him but now hes catering to her so she will change her will and leave what shes got to him and his girlfriend.I am beyond frusterated and hurt nto the bone.She is ruing my life. I pray for guidance and help

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
21

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Rule out narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) first. If you can't, you need to take action because it will only ruin you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You commented you've spent your whole life trying to win her love. Why after all these years are you still doing this? It isn't you!!!!! It's her. We can't make someone be something they aren't. It's like saying "It hurts when I hit myself over the head with a frying pan." Well......don't do it.
Believe me, if it's the will you are worried about, the money isn't worth it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

mamapinson - stories like yours are very sad - your mom is abusing you emotionally. stick with the counselor - one helped me finally set boundaries with my mom. My mom screams at me, tries to hit me, gives me the cold shoulder - anything to get me to do what she wants me to do. Finally - I learned "no that doesn't work for me" and if the screaming or whatever started I would exit "mom I love you but I'm leaving - it is not OK to treat me this way" Or if by phone - say something similar and hang up. This made her so mad that she didn't speak to me for six months - only a call once in a while "are you ready to apologize" to which I would say "I love you, but no" and then I would get 10 page letters detailing all that she did for me and cussing me out. But.... 10 years later, she has learned that I have boundaries and I mean them. The outbreaks are fewer but they still occur. We do have a better and more respectful relationship & I no longer feel responsible for whether or not she is happy or doing what she wants me to do. You are not being treated fairly at all and work with your counselor to help you get past the guild & to be consistent with boundaries. And to be prepared for you mom to pull out all the guns to make you feel guilty or responsible or scared - because that is what she has done previously to make you get in line. Good luck!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Rainmom wise wise words me dear. I do think it is more complex when you live with the person but I absolutely agree with you. You have to be allowed to have your say calmly and repeatedly. My mum (and in the last 20 minutes she has called me through 6 times) repeats the same request. I have now learned this trait and repeat the same answer. She then says 'you said that before' - to which I reply 'and my answer hasn't changed' we go through this so many times I lose count but in the end she does do it although I have to be wary of flying hairbrushes because she hasn't lost her aim let me tell you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I feel so sorry for everyone else going through this.No one knows how miserable it really is.I am on medication myself and before I was I was constantly raising my voice with her.The meds have helped a lot and MOST of the time I just walk away and cry to myself but for some reason I had really had it with her that day and let it all out.I mean I Actually told her that she had never been a mother to none of her kids and that dad should have never tolerated it.Rainmom your mom sounds like mine exactly.I love my mom but I'm on the verge of breaking.I even told my husband the other day that when she dies I don't even want to have a funeral service just take her to grave and burry her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I've started and deleted this four times now. I keep getting caught up in long winded comments trying to explain my history and family dynamics - but bottom line is I know exactly how you feel. If you read any of my posts you'll see that up until a few weeks ago I was moments away from a complete nervous break-down. My mother is mean, angry, ungrateful, demanding, self-centered and more. But above everything mom is manipulative. Mom has always been this way and dementia has only taken it all to a new level. While my mom has never lived with me, I do every other aspect of caring for her - down to buying her depends - and she is very, very high maintenance. Attention is what mom lives for and she will do anything - good or bad - to get it. And if you don't give her her due or don't let her have her way, no matter how unreasonable - she will find a way to make your life hell. Soooo - two weeks ago I saw my doctor. I got an anti-anxiety rx. I take one before any visit with mom. Initially they gave me the strength - for lack of a better word - to not really give a sh#% about her hysterics. And you know what? The world didn't end. I survived and so has she. So now I have been better able to detach on my own - without the chemical assistance. I am in a much better mind set, am a better wife and mother and believe it or not - a better daughter. Mom is actually treating me a little better because she's seen she can't wind me up and push my buttons the way she could just a short time ago. Who knows - tomorrow she may find a hole in my armor? It's one day at a time. I'm not telling you to run out and get medicated - I'm saying you've got to find a way to detach. The thing that finally lead me to get help was this: I asked myself "if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, how would you feel about how you have lived your final years and about how you put your husband and son a very distant second to your mother"? You CAN take back your life!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Mama I need to talk sternly to you but believe me it is done with thought and affection. Yes she is your mother but you should not now, and should never have had to 'win her love'. Loving a son or a daughter should be unconditional and given, not a prize to be won.

You have been conditioned, by her probably, to feel horrible if you fight back. Only you can break that cycle. To reject someone's vitriole is perfectly acceptable. that it is your mother makes no difference. No-one deserves to be spoken to in that way.

BUT you do have to plan and pick your battles. It is really really difficult to stay calm when all you want to do is yell back. However it is far more effective to stand your ground speak calmly and slowly and then turn and walk away. If you do yell (and we all have as JB noted) then you end up losing some ground because you have to apologise for shouting. So keep focused stay calm, even when you want to scream, and say

Im sorry you feel that way I truly am but I am not responsible for this and I will not be spoken to like this.

Then just turn on your heel and walk away. Shut all the malevolence away and go out into the fresh air and breathe, have a coffee, cigarette, do a dance on the patio whatever it takes but take time out. YOU HAVE TO.

I spent years trying to win my mother's love - you can't - by and large that type of person has no idea in the world of how to show love to you (even if they can to someone else). If that pure mother daughter bond is not forged at birth then it is quite unlikely for it to ever be forged.

I am adopted so there was no blood/birth bond but you would have thought I would have been more wanted - not so - Mum wanted 2 boys Dad wanted one of each. Hence the source of the issue for me. Every family is different though and with good counselling many Mums do retrieve that bond (whether the counselling is formal or not). Yours clearly did not so don't fret over something you cannot change. Accept that she wont and deal with the here and now - or it will drive you to distraction hun xx
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I put up with her toxitity because she is my mother and for some strange reason feel horrible if I don't I have spent my whole life trying to win her love
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

mamapinson, some people are just this way. They can be as sweet as pie, then get angry when the smallest thing doesn't go their way. It can be crazy-making for a caregiver, because it makes us feel like we're over-reacting. The only thing I can think of is they feel their lives should go without even the smallest problem... and that it is our job to make sure it happens. So caregivers can do big things to make their parent happy, only to be yelled at for some trivial matter. It is cruel and many of us go through it.

It may make you feel a bit better to know that you're not the only one who has yelled at your parent. When I've done it, I apologize for yelling, but not for the reason I did it. We can only be disregarded so much before we react.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

By any chance, is the will the actual reason you're putting up with her toxicity? If not, I hope you didn't apologize for what you said to her. Taking your words back will encourage her to step up her behavior towards you. Next time she does it, tell her "You're mean, nasty, and ungrateful. ... I want nothing to do with you right now." Leave her alone for a while. She needs to be trained. Spitting children into the world doesn't entitle a parent to treat them like garbage. If she has pets, I bet they're treated a lot better than you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.