Need help with mean and ungrateful Mom. Any advice?

Rule out narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) first. If you can't, you need to take action because it will only ruin you.

You commented you've spent your whole life trying to win her love. Why after all these years are you still doing this? It isn't you!!!!! It's her. We can't make someone be something they aren't. It's like saying "It hurts when I hit myself over the head with a frying pan." Well......don't do it.
Believe me, if it's the will you are worried about, the money isn't worth it.

mamapinson - stories like yours are very sad - your mom is abusing you emotionally. stick with the counselor - one helped me finally set boundaries with my mom. My mom screams at me, tries to hit me, gives me the cold shoulder - anything to get me to do what she wants me to do. Finally - I learned "no that doesn't work for me" and if the screaming or whatever started I would exit "mom I love you but I'm leaving - it is not OK to treat me this way" Or if by phone - say something similar and hang up. This made her so mad that she didn't speak to me for six months - only a call once in a while "are you ready to apologize" to which I would say "I love you, but no" and then I would get 10 page letters detailing all that she did for me and cussing me out. But.... 10 years later, she has learned that I have boundaries and I mean them. The outbreaks are fewer but they still occur. We do have a better and more respectful relationship & I no longer feel responsible for whether or not she is happy or doing what she wants me to do. You are not being treated fairly at all and work with your counselor to help you get past the guild & to be consistent with boundaries. And to be prepared for you mom to pull out all the guns to make you feel guilty or responsible or scared - because that is what she has done previously to make you get in line. Good luck!!

Rainmom wise wise words me dear. I do think it is more complex when you live with the person but I absolutely agree with you. You have to be allowed to have your say calmly and repeatedly. My mum (and in the last 20 minutes she has called me through 6 times) repeats the same request. I have now learned this trait and repeat the same answer. She then says 'you said that before' - to which I reply 'and my answer hasn't changed' we go through this so many times I lose count but in the end she does do it although I have to be wary of flying hairbrushes because she hasn't lost her aim let me tell you!

I feel so sorry for everyone else going through this.No one knows how miserable it really is.I am on medication myself and before I was I was constantly raising my voice with her.The meds have helped a lot and MOST of the time I just walk away and cry to myself but for some reason I had really had it with her that day and let it all out.I mean I Actually told her that she had never been a mother to none of her kids and that dad should have never tolerated it.Rainmom your mom sounds like mine exactly.I love my mom but I'm on the verge of breaking.I even told my husband the other day that when she dies I don't even want to have a funeral service just take her to grave and burry her.

I've started and deleted this four times now. I keep getting caught up in long winded comments trying to explain my history and family dynamics - but bottom line is I know exactly how you feel. If you read any of my posts you'll see that up until a few weeks ago I was moments away from a complete nervous break-down. My mother is mean, angry, ungrateful, demanding, self-centered and more. But above everything mom is manipulative. Mom has always been this way and dementia has only taken it all to a new level. While my mom has never lived with me, I do every other aspect of caring for her - down to buying her depends - and she is very, very high maintenance. Attention is what mom lives for and she will do anything - good or bad - to get it. And if you don't give her her due or don't let her have her way, no matter how unreasonable - she will find a way to make your life hell. Soooo - two weeks ago I saw my doctor. I got an anti-anxiety rx. I take one before any visit with mom. Initially they gave me the strength - for lack of a better word - to not really give a sh#% about her hysterics. And you know what? The world didn't end. I survived and so has she. So now I have been better able to detach on my own - without the chemical assistance. I am in a much better mind set, am a better wife and mother and believe it or not - a better daughter. Mom is actually treating me a little better because she's seen she can't wind me up and push my buttons the way she could just a short time ago. Who knows - tomorrow she may find a hole in my armor? It's one day at a time. I'm not telling you to run out and get medicated - I'm saying you've got to find a way to detach. The thing that finally lead me to get help was this: I asked myself "if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, how would you feel about how you have lived your final years and about how you put your husband and son a very distant second to your mother"? You CAN take back your life!

Mama I need to talk sternly to you but believe me it is done with thought and affection. Yes she is your mother but you should not now, and should never have had to 'win her love'. Loving a son or a daughter should be unconditional and given, not a prize to be won.

You have been conditioned, by her probably, to feel horrible if you fight back. Only you can break that cycle. To reject someone's vitriole is perfectly acceptable. that it is your mother makes no difference. No-one deserves to be spoken to in that way.

BUT you do have to plan and pick your battles. It is really really difficult to stay calm when all you want to do is yell back. However it is far more effective to stand your ground speak calmly and slowly and then turn and walk away. If you do yell (and we all have as JB noted) then you end up losing some ground because you have to apologise for shouting. So keep focused stay calm, even when you want to scream, and say

Im sorry you feel that way I truly am but I am not responsible for this and I will not be spoken to like this.

Then just turn on your heel and walk away. Shut all the malevolence away and go out into the fresh air and breathe, have a coffee, cigarette, do a dance on the patio whatever it takes but take time out. YOU HAVE TO.

I spent years trying to win my mother's love - you can't - by and large that type of person has no idea in the world of how to show love to you (even if they can to someone else). If that pure mother daughter bond is not forged at birth then it is quite unlikely for it to ever be forged.

I am adopted so there was no blood/birth bond but you would have thought I would have been more wanted - not so - Mum wanted 2 boys Dad wanted one of each. Hence the source of the issue for me. Every family is different though and with good counselling many Mums do retrieve that bond (whether the counselling is formal or not). Yours clearly did not so don't fret over something you cannot change. Accept that she wont and deal with the here and now - or it will drive you to distraction hun xx

I put up with her toxitity because she is my mother and for some strange reason feel horrible if I don't I have spent my whole life trying to win her love

mamapinson, some people are just this way. They can be as sweet as pie, then get angry when the smallest thing doesn't go their way. It can be crazy-making for a caregiver, because it makes us feel like we're over-reacting. The only thing I can think of is they feel their lives should go without even the smallest problem... and that it is our job to make sure it happens. So caregivers can do big things to make their parent happy, only to be yelled at for some trivial matter. It is cruel and many of us go through it.

It may make you feel a bit better to know that you're not the only one who has yelled at your parent. When I've done it, I apologize for yelling, but not for the reason I did it. We can only be disregarded so much before we react.

By any chance, is the will the actual reason you're putting up with her toxicity? If not, I hope you didn't apologize for what you said to her. Taking your words back will encourage her to step up her behavior towards you. Next time she does it, tell her "You're mean, nasty, and ungrateful. ... I want nothing to do with you right now." Leave her alone for a while. She needs to be trained. Spitting children into the world doesn't entitle a parent to treat them like garbage. If she has pets, I bet they're treated a lot better than you.

If you are going to make yourself crazy caring for her, the first order of business, the non-negotiable is, you go in with her. Otherwise, you don't do all the scut work. " sorry, mom. I can't do that anymore." " No, mom. I can't help you stay independent if you won't let me help you with the stuff that makes it possible for me keep doing this". "

I was not at doc with her she won't let me go in so I called them and when I was with her I ask what he said

When the doctor asked her that and she said "no", why didn't you speak up? That was your opportunity to say " my mother is very agitated and verbally abuses me whenever I help. I'm ready to walk away from her care. What would you suggest, doctor?

If you are going to be able to continue to help her, her behavior has to be tolerable. Either due to mental illness, dementia, or long ingrained habits, she can't control this. She needs meds.

If you don't have what it takes to advocate for your needs and hers, and to NOT simply act the part of a helpless child (caregiving a parent can do that to you) then you need to find her other help. Not your hands on caregiving.

Can you step back for a week or so and not be so available? Recharge your batteries. Find yourself a counselor to talk about this. If you continue in this pattern, you will do yourself serious harm.

Sometimes I wonder why I worry about a mean witch like her having to stay in a nursing home.I don't understand why I have tolerated it all these years and now it's like I just can't.I actually called her a witch the other day!Then she cried and acted like I was going to hell and I told her that you don't go to hell for telling the truth.I am ashamed.She is not on medication for this.I slipped and called her doc and ask them to put her on something that she was a very mean person so he ask her at her app if she needed something to calm her and she told him no so that was that.

I have to say that if she is like this now and I am sure she is that by the time she does shuffle off her mortal coil the chances are that there won't be any money to divide because your brother won't cater to her whims for very long I suspect. And care costs a huge amount. Of course if does care good luck to him because that no easy task.

One thing I need to remind you is that mean people are mean ....mean people who get dementia can get meaner still. If you bolt onto that the fact that she seems to have some sort of mental issues then that is going to be one hell of a bumpy road and you are probably best off not travelling it hun.

We all blow up from time to time....I know I go in the garage or into the car and mutter words that would make your hair curl or I scream like a demented banshee. But as others have said pointless blowing up at your Mum - its a battle you are never going to win and if she has one inkling the money has meaning to you then dismiss that issue right away. it just probably won't be there.

If you decide to stick with it, I might continue working with the counselor, as you say and lower my expectations. People don't normally change who they are. Assuming that medication hasn't helped her condition, I don't think I would keep waiting for that to happen. Limit your exposure to her, establish boundaries and envision yourself on a beach or in the mountains when you feel attacked. Try to not get caught up in her world of negativity.

I might anticipate in advance that my efforts will not be appreciated and that she will not be the mom that I want and need. Sometimes accepting that can be so painful. We can always be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Good luck to you.

You can't stand up to mental illness. You can have boundaries with the person. Decide what they are and stick to them.

There were more than a few times I had to tell my mother she was behaving like a brat and I was going to leave if she did not stop. I will not stay here and be abused. She would settle down and be contrite for a little bit, but not permanently. It was a sign that her brain could no longer control her emotions or regulate her responses to anything.

Having mom move into a very controlled environment with a geriatric psychiatrist who adjusted her meds and added a new one to control her paranoia and anger helped A LOT. Living alone was not safe or good for her anymore, so a change had to be made even though she was totally against it.

Thanks for the replies.I know it's just her because she has always been this wAy and I try to tell myself she has a mental problem but I just don't understand a mother like this😂I could use the extra money but it's not worth putting up with the hurt for but it does bother me that for 46 years me and my husband has done everything and my brother refused and now he's the best son in the world.i went to a councler and they told me to stand up to her but after I do I'm miserable.Thanks

Some people are mean and nasty, because that's just who they are. Maybe, they were exposed to it in their childhood. It's difficult to say the cause.

Others become this way as a result of dementia. They can't help it. Even if they used to be mean on purpose, they can't be blamed when the dementia kicks in. I try to look at it this way. If it's dementia talking, she can't be blamed, because the brain isn't functioning properly.

It's sad your mom is so difficult. It could be caused by a number of reasons, but with most seniors, it's not likely to change. If you are concerned that she will change her Will and leave you out, then I might hang on if you really need the money. If not, then steer clear of her. No one should make you feel less of a person. You are helping her and she lashes out at you? It' doesn't make even a little bit of sense. If it is dementia, you might make sure she gets some help and then step back if you don't feel like staying around that behavior.

You say you need help, but there isn't really any way to make a mean and ungrateful mom a nice and grateful mom that I am aware of, regardless of the cause.

Since you can't change her, I would work on myself. Get counseling, spend time with friends and vent at places like this. lol It helps to know that there are many other family members who really can relate to your experiences.

You spoke your mind with your mom. Did that help any? If not, then I may work at not letting her push my buttons. Just let her nastiness roll off your back. I know it's difficult, but if she's treating you poorly as a sport, maybe that would take the fun out of it for her. And if it's dementia. She likely doesn't remember the incidents.

Don't worry about the spelling,LOL...worry about you. Don't fight battles you can't win and get whatever counseling you might need to help you get your self-esteem up on its own two feet so it does not depend on how Mom treats you, which will most likely continue to be summed up by the word "badly." You can't please her, nor can you change her, and you should not be spending all your time and energy on trying to. If brother wants to try you may be best served to let him, but if mom is on the road to losing capacity and competence, you will do better to team up if you can. Yeah, your blowing up was more than understandable, but you'll do better to keep your cool...getting a little love and support would be helpful, but it would seem Mom's not the one to give it to you since she just kind of doesn't have it to give....mine was like that too in some ways.)

Sorry for the spelling issues but wanted to add that she truely thinks she is the perfect person and everyone else is wrong