My parents are 25 years apart, father is 91, mother is 66. After a fall my father is now wheelchair bound and needs help 24/7. My mother works full time and currently they have a caregiver who comes Mon-Fri for 10 hours each day. My father also goes to dialysis 3x per week.

The issue is my mom is no longer strong enough to lift my father in and out of his wheelchair so he pretty much needs a 24 hour caregiver now.

Basically she wants to put my father in some kind of an assisted care facility, but can't afford it on her salary plus his social security. They have savings but that would run out if he stays alive for several more years and she still has a long life ahead of her. They don't qualify for Medicaid because they have too much in assets. They do not own their home.

My father basically created this situation by squandering a lot of money the last 10-20 years and now my mother is the one paying the price. There is a lot of resentment and she no longer wants to slave away all day at work and take care of him during all her non working hours.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to approach this situation? Unfortunately I live very far away and can't afford to help much. It seems like either my mom has to keep living a miserable life until my father dies or be poor during her retirement years.

Appreciate any thoughts or ideas on solutions. Thanks!

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Definitely a elder law attorney in dad's state. Medicaid rules vary from state to state.
Helpful Answer (0)

Thanks so much for all your replies. It looks like I'll be scheduling an appointment with an elder care/medicaid attorney and see what our best options are going forward. I will bring up some of your suggestions with the lawyer.

Thanks again!
Helpful Answer (2)

Is your dad a war veteran? If so, he likely qualifies for Aid & Attendance benefits from the Veterans Administration. Here in Colorado, they do not require a person to have practically no assets (like Medicaid does).......definitely check with an elder care atty in your area to discuss your options. Dad was a WWII vet and wound up getting approx $2300 a month (for he & my mom) when he was alive. Now that he's passed, the survivor benefits of $1209 are continuing on for my mother. This Aid & Attendance helps A LOT with the costs of the Assisted Living Facility (ALF) they were living in, and now mother is living in. Between A&A and SSI, you're spending down the savings account a lot slower. As others have said, an ALF says the resident can only be a 1 person assist..........if your dad requires 2 people to assist him, then he'd need a Skilled Nursing Facility instead. The ALFs I've dealt with will also not permit a resident to have a Hoyer lift, unfortunately. My late dad became a 2 person lift during the last few months of his life, and the only way the ALF would keep him is if he was on Hospice care; then they are permitted to keep the resident until death. That's what happened with dad.......we had him evaluated for Hospice, he qualified, so the ALF kept him and sent 2 people to assist him.

Bests of luck......this is a really tough situation for all concerned. Sending you a hug.
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With Dads problems, I don't see an AL excepting him. He needs more care than they maybe able to give. Mom will be able to save some of their assets going the NH way.
Helpful Answer (1)

As said, Medicaid realizes a community spouse has to live. Now this is just the short version...but the assets are split in half. Dads half will have to be spent down to at least 2k. This could be done by private pay in a NH and Medicaid taking over then. Every situation is different so like said, Mom needs to talk to a lawyer versed in Medicaid.

Mom will be able to keep her home.
Helpful Answer (3)

Your mom needs to see a NAELA certified elder attorney to discuss Medicaid for your father.
I know you said that they have too many assets but the thing is, as a community spouse your mother would not be impoverished. She should not make these decisions without a consult with a knowledgeable experienced certified elder attorney. She is not the only person in this situation but it does take a knowledgable attorney that understands the rules for her state.
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