Need help telling mother in law she smells and needs to take a shower. Any ideas?

Some older women develop an unpleasant odor regardless of hygiene, but your MIL obviously has hygiene and toileting problems beyond any reasonable expectation of taking care of them within normal family routine. She either needs a hired caregiver at home or placement in a facility.

First of all, do you think there might be dementia issues? Are there other things she is forgetting? Or is this just a lazy issue about taking a bath?

You need to pop in on her in the bathroom to figure out how she can even manage to get pee on the floor and, especially, a wall. If her overall body has a smell due to not bathing, each time she pulls her pants down in the bathroom to expose private parts, it is creating an odor. It's very likely she could have an UTI or yeast problem at this point. Yeast is a very obnoxious odor. Infections of the outer skin usually have a smell that is not for those with a weak stomach.

If there is no dementia, you and hubby need to sit her down and tell her flat out that she will be taking regular baths and if she can't do it alone, she will be getting some help. Meaning if she comes out of the bathroom smelling about like she did when she went in, she will be going back to try again. Lay it out on the line - she smells bad and you know she would not want other people to notice it. It is not easy to wash long hair, but you can get her help with that or get it cut to a more manageable length if she so chooses. Then stay on her until the bathing is completed on certain days - preferably daily. Explain the rules and that everyone else in the house should not have to live with a disgusting odor.

I will say, it is rather common w/some older folks that they quit bathing every day. Maybe because they sit around and don't feel like they did anything to get dirty. I'm not quite sure about that. And with dementia patients, it is common that some of them become fearful of water/bathing.

Squirting the shampoo on the tub is creating a huge fall risk, if that is what she's doing. Let her know if she has trouble getting shampoo where it belongs, she can get help. You may want to call her doctor and ask if home health (bathing or other needs) can be ordered to give her some assistance. If that happens, talk to the agency ahead of time and let them know the aide will have to insist on the bath because she will more than likely try to decline.

this struck me — no one suggested as far as I can tell — make DH clean up her mess since he isn’t supporting your requests to make her bathe etc— easy for him to say she can stay if YOU do all the work! Also women tend to have better sense of smell -/ it’s a blessing and a curse lol— but when our grands have wet diaper I can usually smell it right away while hubby can’t even if I ask him specifically to sniff their bum!
68 is young so likely dementia from stroke — is this someone who has always been a bit slovenly though?
if she has nothing should qualify for Medicaid if citizen - can sometimes get aide but if not try care.com for couple times a week to bathe - tell DH that he either does it for her himself or helps you lay down the law. My Dad was resistant too - has dementia and was pulling all the tricks to avoid bathing -/ shower on but him not even wet then same clothes still on him while he’d insist he was clean! But now has a shower aide and just cooperates. Might have to warm up to idea gradually - might be that gets sob or dizzy or sometimes even eyesight issues where shower floor looks like giant hole to them . But stick to guns and say need to be clean or out, plus still explore a home . Some are nice and need to keep looking . Small group homes can be good too. Also talk with other families for ideas. I might try in home first cuzza Covid and DH feelings but your home should be your haven .
you don’t mention your own age or kids / having elderly in home can be either good or bad for them as well . If she is argumentative or mean then should not be around your kids full time either
as someone said VA also has $ assistance For aides plus va run homes so look into that if her spouse OR herself is/ was a vet. My poa sis refuses (d) to do this with my parents but spends down their savings tremendously because also won’t try getting through Medicare or health insurances they have (had). Ridiculous but after suggesting many times I give up . She even interfered with me speaking with social workers in hospital and rehab center — and at that time she didn’t have poa plus we were both listed as medical representative for hippa and notification access . Mom still was coherent so could make own decisions . Anyway -if she is not competent then make sure son or someone gets poa also but never sign as financially responsible for her care. If someone insists you sign make sure to note next to signature not resp or cross out a line that says so
good luck

Can't wait to read the other responses. Assuming this women has no mental functioning issues, then she can understand the request as well as the reason for it. My patience is short so I would probably say, look, we are looking after you, and you are staying with us for us to provide you with care. We CANNOT live with the odor you are generating in the bathroom and clearly are at a point you need more help than we can provide or you will allow from US. SO you either allow us to hire an aide to help you x number of times per week (maybe once, to start?) OR we will have to move you to a facility. From following this issue for what seems forever, a frequent conclusion is people are uncomfortable accepting help from those they are closest to but a professional caregiver is a different matter. You don't mention having a shower stool or chair? OR handheld shower head? It seems like she could be asked directly what the issue IS. Is it too cold? Need to temporarily turn the heat up? My mother has dementia. We believe the last time she showered is going on....brace yourself.....4 years ago, this coming May. It was just prior to the birthday party for my dad who was turning 100. Since then we have tried with no success. NONE. If she is not a miserable uncooperative witch, she goes every 2 weeks to the guy who has been doing her hair for years. This is not for beauty so much as to get her hair washed, and simply blown dry. He is a love of a guy with patience and understanding. THe end of the prior year we buy a sizeable gift card and he deducts for each visit so no funds need to be exchanged. We tell him to include a tip. Because of the stress of getting her there, it is only every 2 weeks. THere are days she refuses or is uncooperative, and on those I do my best to give him a heads up, and we also have him deduct the visit cost, because we have reserved the time. I also had a nurse out from a home care provider. Mom actually greeted her at the door and left her and I alone. Busied herself "dusting"; walked up and down stairs in view of the nurse, easily and unassisted. Nurse's conclusion? She'd do NOTHING. I was shocked. THey had seen this often enough. People could go YEARS she said. We hired a private agency more than one or two years after that. Person was a retired nurse no less. Purpose was primarily to assist with shower. Mom was annoyed with her presence in the house period and no rapport was established. Retired nurse was rather unskilled and clueless as it was. I was relieved when she couldn't follow directions and I dismissed her early one day and then informed the agency we were done. That rather turned me off from wanting further help. We are at least blessed with mom's ability to toilet on her own. And there really, truly is no horrible odor...though I don't often get that close. Placing her would generate even more stress, and to what end? So they will force that to be done and she will be distraught and screaming? I could not live with that. THere was one horrendous episode....possibly triggered by her having demolished a large jar of sweet pickle chips the day prior, she had a uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. She was dressed at the time, Refusing to listen to me or her husband. He finally got her in their bathroom where there is a stall shower and refused to let her out, until she showered. He had turned it on. No go. By this point she had put a nightgown one and the poo was now on the inside of that and down at least one leg. I couldn't let this poor guy have to get in bed with the stench (I knew he still would in spite of there being a spare bedroom). I began to wonder seriously about calling 911 and having her taken to the hospital....instead I got scissors and I literally resorted to actually cutting the nightgown off of her, and giving her a robe.

On a related note: there are fungal infections that can cause horrific body odor.

Sometimes an elder doesn’t notice their own smell or can’t identify the source of their discomfort.

It’s worth a quick check to rule out. Look for an angry rash, especially in folds and moist places. Unclothed, the source of fungal reek is impossible to miss.

Personal hygiene is such an intrinsic part of modern society that it’s difficult to notice how incredibly complicated bathing is. Dozens of steps need to be accomplished in sequence. Add limited strength and range of motion, fear of falling from balance problems, and the sheer discomfort of being cold and wet. When you break it down, bathing can be mentally and physically overwhelming.

Yes, your loved one is being stubborn in refusing to bathe. But no amount of chiding, negotiating or threatening can address the core issue: she may no longer capable of bathing independently. The same applies to toileting.

At this point she needs supervision, cuing and physical assistance. That means a family member or professional aide should be there to help every time. If the root cause is cognitive decline, she’s never going to improve.

That’s the difficult reality. It sounds Ike you’re so stressed dealing with the consequences of her constant hygiene issues that you don’t have time to consider the root problems. I absolutely understand that the immediate mess has to be dealt with now, but when you have time to take a breath, consider if this situation is sustainable and how you’ll cope as it gets worse. She needs help and you need help.

I’ve just discovered Stryker bath washcloths that you can microwave for one minute to get nice and warm, and use them for a sponge bath. They do not drip, they have soap and moisturizer, and there are eight washcloths per package, so that entire body can be done. They are disposed in the trash. I tried them once with my mom and we were successful. The same company sells a shower cap that you rub it on the head and then when you remove it the hair is clean and just needs to be combed. I haven’t tried that one yet but I’m planning to.

A little warning: before you invest in one of those 'walk in tubs' be absolutely POSITIVE that your LO will actually use it. They are hella-expensive and are hard to install and even harder to remove and DO NOT add to the value of your home.

I have a friend who put one in for her mother & aunt who moved in with her. They HATED HATED HATED it. Fear for leaking water, fear for drowning, you name it. So it never got used.

Trying to sell her home with this as the 2nd bathroom was a no-deal for so many people and to remove it was over $5K (including install of new shower). I'd actually like one, personally, back surgery left me with chronic back pain that makes a good soak in a regular tub impossible. BUT, I know I'd use one, so maybe when we move to the 'retirement home' I'll have one installed.

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Does she have any form of dementia? If not, does she have chronic depression? It’s time for her son or whoever her medical power of attorney is to step in and say mom it’s time to make some changes, I’m not going to let you neglect your health anymore. I’d take her to the doctor- get her checked for a UTI, she may be having incontinence and overall weakness or mild confusion related to this which may be affecting her mobility and that may possibly be part of the reason she doesn’t shower and can’t seem to always find the toilet. This is highly likely that she has one especially with the strong odor. Her son needs to sit down with her and say very gently, something along the lines of, “mother, I’m worried about your health, it’s very clear to me that you have not showered in the last few days because you have greasy hair and some spots on you that don’t look clean. We need to come to an understanding that you need some help with these things. We can hire someone or so and so can help you get cleaned up. You need to bathe at least twice a week. This is no longer an option to neglect yourself.” Then make a shower calendar that you either leave in her room or somewhere discrete and whoever is responsible for making sure she bathes put a sticker or mark on the day she bathed- don’t let her manage it though because she may add one and use it as leverage if she really does not want a bath. I would let her make the mark and then I’d put it away. Then every time she refuses, refer to the calendar and say, “remember our agreement? It’s been blank days since you showered, and you need to shower. It’s no longer an option for you to neglect your health. I want you to be Heathy, and I want to make sure you’re taken care of because I love you. Can we please get up and at least do a quick shower?” So designate your days twice a week a lot of people do Monday and Thursday, and make it very clear that she can’t just neglect herself anymore and that it is not an option. This may be early symptoms of dementia, so I would say try to get her to go to a doctor and be evaluated for both a UTI and have a neuro evaluation done on her to see if there’s anything going on or if she needs depression treatment. This is not normal and it is not just her being lazy, something is medically going on either mentally or physically that needs to be solved first. Hope this helps. Much love dear, stay strong!

The others here are addressing getting an aide and outside help so I'll just stick to the practical :

Try wet wipes in the toilet and encourage her to use them . (?)

From experience ( sadly ), I know that urine , if it has seeped in the toilet bowl seam , grout or floor will make the bathroom reek. You need to get a half bucket with a strong disinfectant solution and toss it in there if feasible , mop up and keep a spray bottle of full strength pine sol for Intance to spray the bottom of the toilet and the floor on the sides and back. IMPORTANT : If you have a dog or cat that can get into the bathroom do not use pine sol , use another floral or strong scented disinfectant . Pine oil is poisonous to animals .
Captain obvious here , but has anyone else actually told her that she stinks ? Are you the only person trying to get her to seriously bathe ? Her son needs to really get involved as its not fair for you to deal with this alone , if you are .
When my grandmother refuses to bathe I tell her " mama , you smell sweaty ( being kind ) and that's not good enough , I love you and want you to look and smell your best, let me help you " I know this might not work for you as mama and l are very close , but it's worth a try .

Showering is out . You mention a tub . Can you draw a bath for her and make her sit in that with bath oil or soap already In. Better than nothing .
If she steeps like a teabag it might help .
Offer to wash her hair ? Massage her head ? Does she drink wine ? Give her a glass, make it enjoyable ( or am I clutching at straws here ) .

I mean , this looks good" on paper " but I know getting an adult to take a bath can be a real pain . Especially if you aren't that close to them .
I bathe my gran every other day but sometimes a day will come will where she is totally not into it , she might not feel well or energetic . We make her change clothes and I give her a sponge bath in bed then put deodorant on her but you might not be able to do even that.
I'm sorry for your trouble. You have excellent advice here so I hope somewhere in this forum you find a solution .

Good luck.

Sigh.

I know this is going to sound judgemental but it is actually a matter of practical fact: what size and shape is MIL? The reason it matters is - can she reach? We meet a lot of ladies and gentlemen who truly couldn't take care of hygiene even if they do want to and are mentally able - they'd need four hands apiece on very much longer arms to do it.

I'm glad to read you plan to contact the Area Agency, and I hope they'll be able to get the ball rolling. Ideally this will lead to an assessment, and support in ways that are acceptable to MIL and help her turn a corner. Poor lady. The fact that she's trying to cover up with air fresheners proves she's not oblivious to the problem - she just wishes with all her heart that everybody else was, I expect.

I would turn the shower on & let her know her water is ready and lead her to the bathroom & I think she may need pull ups for adults she can put them on like underwear it will also protect your home furniture have some baby wipes avail everywhere to wipe her hands for her ... she sounds completely unaware

It's a tough one. I had it with my dad (85), I flat out told him, "Dad you need to take a shower. Need to shower every other day at least". The bathroom is another story, he was missing the toilet for a long time. Cleaning before I could use the half bath multiple times a day. Flat out said, "Dad, you are missing the toilet you need to sit down". Most times it works, I just resign myself to cleaning the floor each time I go in or cleaning the whole toilet! Times where there has been poop on the wall and on the paper roll!!!!! (insert scream here).
About once a week or so he plugs the toilet and does a half job getting it done and leaves it.... not saying a word..... FRUSTRATING doe not even spell it! Sometimes you have to put manners aside and say "take a bath"! I'm done being nice, it's my house my rules... ok, me and my wife house and her rules but you know what I mean.
Just lay it out and the hell with feelings, pee on your feet is not fun.

She may be suffering depression; she is high risk for urinary tract and skin infections. If she has mobility issues you may have to get rid of the bathtub and get a stand-in shower instead with a lot of installed grab bars. Seniors tend to much prefer stand-in showers with a shower chair. That is how I bathed my mom and I did that for years and years and she ended up with the worst Alzheimer's and I continued that route until she could no longer walk and I did bed baths.

Bath tubs are very dangerous and eventually have problems getting in and out of them

Hi there,
My mom is in a nursing home and we are having the same issue. My mom has dementia, I've been researching and reading that many seniors, especially with cognitive impairment, are simply terrified of taking a shower or bath.
They are not able to tell us why, but it's a scary experience for them, at least for my mom, that's the case.
Also, my mom has no concept of time right now, and is losing her sense of smell, so she feels no need to take a shower, as she feels, she just cleaned herself not too long ago. At first it was only an issue of showering but now it's also an issue to change her clothing...
Some say it is also a cultural thing... if she used to shower only once in a while (back in her childhood years) she does not see the use to shower weekly now.
What I do, is to reassure her that she will be safe while in the shower, make sure she has warm towels, etc...and always tell her that we need to shower cause she will be getting a visit from someone special or we will be going to get ice cream, in other words, there will be some kind of reward for her right after, little white lies seem to help...
Its a constant struggle, but creativity is a must, this is such a common problem for seniors, especially seniors with dementia... they do not do it to make our lives miserable, but they seem to actually be terrified of certain things and taking a bath or shower is one of those things that horrifies them.
I am also thinking of getting my mom a plastic doll to take in the shower to see if it makes it easier... some of her favorite music in the background might also help...
As for the toilet, in my mom's case, sometimes she cannot see the actual white toilet bowl,,, (it's a dementia vision thing in my mom's case).

Good luck to you, wish I could be of more help ;)

Dear hdh, I just want to give you a pat on the back that you are reaching out for information and advice. You must be a very caring person in a really difficult situation. Your a grad student and this is extreme parental aging issues 101. ; ) Take the advise from this site on ways to help keep her clean as you start to navigate a very complex but doable System where you can get your MIL care and housing. It may take months but put the time in now because it is not going away. You can see why many people would choose denial. This site helped me tremendously but particularly these two thoughts: Promises that you would never put a loved one in a facility are made with the best of intentions when you don’t know what the future will hold. And, Finding the safest, best facility to give your loved one the best care for their condition IS taking care of them!

We called Agency on Aging 3 months ago. The choice we gave her way to let let the aides in, or go to a nursing home , because we could not give her the care of supervision she needed. She wanted to stay home so we applied for state help. , We get 35 hours from the state 10-am to 1pm to cover breakfast and meds, and 4 pm to 9 pm for dinner evening meds and hygiene. The aides I have now can cook, so we supply the food. We visit her twice a week. We cook meals , take her to Dr. Appts., and take her out to lunch. She has moderate Alzheimers, We live an hour away and depend alot on our aides. We pay 21 hours out of pocket - ouch. We purchased all new clothes for her as she was wearing rags. She would wear and sleep in her clothes night after night.

We are 73 and 78 years old, trying to put into place moments of happiness for her. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Our word of wisdom for all you good hearted caregivers is "take care of yourself first". You Matter!

Your mother-in law-has significant issues with self-care, and doesn't seem to recognize that it's become a problem. She also appears to have become incontinent - maybe not all the time, but enough for it to be a problem. If she cannot wipe herself adequately, have you tried to investigate any physical reasons she can't do it? Perhaps she has the beginning stages of dementia, and if she does, nothing will change that.
Do you have a shower bench that she can use? Have you tried getting some lovely bath products "just for her" as an enticement? Perhaps hiring an aide 2x a week for two hours to assist her with showering (taking the family out of it) will help. I would definitely make an appointment with an elder-care doctor, and then work diligently to get her into the shower before the appointment. Not wanting to be unkind but have you tried insisting that she bath while she lives in your house?
If the problem is as bad as what you say, there are definitely some mental issues that should be investigated. The conditions in your bathroom are not sanitary nor safe and should be rectified. Not being able to handle the "activities of daily living" is cause for concern, and perhaps investigating a memory care living arrangement in the long run is best.

If both you and your husband have tried so many times to get her to clean up and refuses, then tell her that she can no longer live in your home. That you refuse to live in filth and filthy, disgusting people. Tell it straight and in plain language. Let her know that if she needs assistance showering and keeping clean that you will help her, or will get her a CNA to come and help her. If she still refuses about hygiene, it may be time to look for an AL or nursing home. Now I've been in elder homecare for a long time. What I'm going to tell you is often what a situation like yours with an elder who refuses hygiene has to come to. Sometimes there cannot be a choice involved and some intimidation becomes necessary. This may sound a bit harsh. It is a bit harsh, but let me tell you recovery from a bit of temporary embarrassment and anger is a lot easier on a person then recovering from UTI's, skin breakdown, skin infections, and open sores and lesions which are caused when skin has prolonged exposure to urine and feces. That's the way it has to be sometimes. If you think you're not able to get it done effectively, then you need an experienced, thick-skinned CNA who doesn't care how badly a client behaves or what they say, who will get it done.
As for the piss and crap on the floor. There's really nothing you can do about that. You may have to clean your toilet and surrounding wall area daily. Clorox spray cleaner with bleach. This will clean anything.

I understand your frustration. I am going through something similar with my mother. However my mom is in an assisted living facility. But, I have not hired someone to groom her, and I have been designated as her personal assistant to take care of these things.

My cousin, the daughter of my mom's sister, is in a very similar situation and we compare notes.

She told me it is very common for older folks with cognitive decline to not want to change clothes, or take showers.

They get cold, it takes effort, they forget, they don't realize it needs to be done, they resent being told, and it's just uncomfortable. Taking a shower makes them cold.

So, we "help" with bathing once or twice a week. And if she wears the same clothes more than 1 day in a row, so be it. Sometimes the only time the clothes get changed is on shower day.

I am further vexed because my mom doesn't seem to want to have her laundry done. She prefers to wash her clothes, especially her underwear in the sink. She is afraid her clothes won't come back. So, we are putting her room number in all her clothes, hoping that will help. She already has more clothes than God has sinners, so losing some would be a good thing actually. Except for the underwear. I even bought her new underwear, and she won't even wear them. She prefers to wash out her old disgusting underwear instead. I am slowly throwing those out when she's not watching.

It is very perplexing and frustrating.

Your MIL can not care for herself at this point.
You mention nothing in your profile about MIL.
What are the reasons she moved in with you?
If she has dementia this is part of the ADL's (activities of daily living) that she is going to need help with.
You, your husband or someone is going to have to step in and ..
Take her to the bathroom. Monitor her make sure she is toileting properly and help her when needed.
You, your husband or someone is going to have to make sure that she showers at least 2 or 3 times a week and between the showers she is kept clean. (see above comment)
Oral care, brushing her teeth if she can manage that now great if not you will need to help. (personal experience here an electric toothbrush makes brushing someone's teeth much easier)
May not be necessary now but swallowing becomes difficult. Pocketing food and aspiration are but 2 things to be aware of.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Having help come in is one option. Memory Care is another. (it is possible to have someone come in just to manage the showering if she is difficult about it)

You have so much “stuff” here.

Do you yell at each other about this?
Is your marriage worth saving?
Who’s afraid of whom in this quartet?
Do YOU have a mental list of where the bar is in your household?
Why are you (or your husband) responsible for another adult’s smell?
What’s the dynamic between YOUR mother and HIS mother.
Do either you or your husband have any interest in remaining married?
Given the choice, would your husband prefer to remain married to you OR
accepting the fact that making unkeepable promises to his mother MEANS
that he is, for all intents and purposes, married TO HIS MOTHER.
If you were to leave, what would happen to YOUR MOTHER?

SO- there are MANY MORE ISSUES HERE THAN JUST HER SMELL, HER URINE, HER FECES, and how to deal with JUST THOSE ISSUES.

Making lists? Asking her to change? Asking her SON to step up? Do you REALLY think any of these will happen?

IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER, your environment is SO NEGATIVE that your chance(s) for a NORMAL LIFE TOGETHER are almost nonexistent.

Will either of you ADDRESS HOW toxic your lives are? Will either of you commit to each other enough to change what this situation is?

Focusing on the practical side of this I'm going to suggest a bidet toilet seat, that should help with at least one odour source. Get one with as many features as you can afford, the more automated and comfortable the better.
Aside from cognitive decline there could be some practical reasons why she is reluctant to use the shower, make sure there are grab bars, a hand held shower and she has access to a sturdy shower chair. Bathroom heaters are nice too.

From what you have said she can no longer handle her own personal care.  She needs "care", not just somewhere to live. Have you taken her to a doctor to be assessed?   Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't need to be in a LTC facility.  They are equipped to handle this.

You have both of your mothers living with you and you just got married?  WHY?

A dear friend of mine hired an aide for her aging mother who comes in several times a week and helps her shower and take care of personal hygiene. Perhaps that is a possibility? What about a walk-in tub where she could "soak" and relax (and get clean at the same time)? Also...there are dry bathing cloths that you dampen and they soap up really well to take a "sponge" bath...and no rinsing required. (I discovered these while camping.) But I do agree with others that there needs to be an ultimatum. This is not your responsibility as she is being totally uncooperative and severely affecting your quality of life.

Just because a person has COPD should mean they can’t or won’t bathe or do a normal toileting. Something is amiss here. Upon reading your answers further down I see where you mention she has strokes and memory issues. Ah ha! Strikes kill blood supply to parts of the brain resulting in what is called vascular dementia. If she also has any sleep apnea, this also can lead to dementia.

Is your MIL obese? Because if she is and has fat folds...she is inviting infection in those folds as bacteria stays there. Her refusal to bathe is a sign of dementia and also depression.

You and your husband need to get her to her doctor for an exam. Possibly she is depressed, has cognitive deficits, has a urinary health issue and maybe other things. But you both need to be there for the exam so you can have input.

If you don’t set some boundaries now and also look into getting them other living quarters, you are in for a very rough go! You say your husband promised not to put her in a facility...promises can be broken and negotiated. It is silly when it's affecting her well being and your's to be stuck on a promise. I have to ask if there is a cultural reason for both parents to be in your care. Some cultures feel obligated to take care of the older generations in their home such as Asian and Indian cultures. I am curious if this is also in the story here?

I think you said she has COPD? Past strokes and memory problems? You will need to discuss care with your husband. Find out why he’s so adamant about her staying with you, and not in an Assisted Living facility. Encourage him to look into facilities that take Medicaid. Have him check into what kind of home care might be covered by it. Sometimes you can get caretakers who will come in and assist with showering, dressing and food prep. My father was very resistant to personal care from family. He was less resistant to personal care from professional caregivers. Your MIL might be able to survive in an Independent Living facility with Homecare. My father is now in AL, and it is so much better than having him living with me. Like your MIL, he has short term memory loss, and mobility issues, and would often make bm messes in the bathroom. Now, all of that is taken care of. He is clean and smells good, gets fresh clothing daily, and has help dressing. He’s much older (89) than your MIL though, so you need to have your husband and his family (siblings) start making plans immediately. This can ruin a marriage-it caused a lot of stress in ours, and I’ve been married for 36 years. Talk over the idea of having YOUR mom move to independent Living too. You both need your own space together.

BTW - when they don’t have money, I know it’s hard. Lots of red tape, and figuring what is or isn’t allowed with Medicaid. Is there someone who is able to help her that has more time? A retired brother or sister that could call and help find out what’s available? I’m retired, and even with dad in AL, I feel like it’s a part time job staying on top of his needs and connecting regularly with caregivers there.

She needs more care than you can give. If she can't use a toilet properly or clean herself but is still ambulatory, she has serious issues that are probably dementia-based. She needs 24-hour care. Get her into memory care with nursing care immediately. You aren't going to be able to talk her into anything. You might try walking her into the bathroom, forcing her into the tub, washing her hair for her, and helping her bathe, but I wouldn't do it more than once or twice while you look for a placement. I don't know how to reteach someone to use the toilet. You might want to buy some baby wipes, hover outside the bathroom, remind her to wipe, ask if she wiped, and use the wipes when she doesn't. But don't live with it any longer than it takes to find a place for her.

What would happen if you moved out? You could get a loan.

i told my husband we were going out to dinner, but he’d have to shave and shower first. He has no sense of smell anymore. Now he showers once a week like clockwork. Since he doesn’t move much, it’s enough. Maybe it’s time for tough love?

Spend as much time as possible away from home with your new husband, and don’t mince words if anyone there asks why!

Your MIL may be vying for attention. She’s acting like a child and should be treated as one. Watch her use the bathroom. Wash her legs. If she doesn’t like it, let her know she’ll have to do better.

i couldn’t live in your house, and I don’t know how you manage.

Wishing you the best. Let us know what transpires.

Why on earth did you consent to her living with you as newlyweds? She is NOT your responsibility.

Time to issue an ultimatum - either she takes care of her personal hygiene - or show her the door.

I am 68 with many health issues. But I take care of myself, clean my house, run errands, take care of my pets, do online banking, cook, etc. There is no excuse for a 68-year-old woman to be acting like she does - unless she has dementia. If she has dementia, things will only get worse and you cannot have her living with you any longer.