My mother in law moved in with us just before we got married 10/30/2020. Since moving in, I have noticed she smells, BAD. I have tried to be nice about showering, but so far she just tells me she already took one or she will "later". My husband has also mentioned it to her, but she tells him the same.
I have noticed that she has major issues with toilet time as well.
She seems to "miss" when she goes to the bathroom. By this I mean there is constantly a smell in the shared bathroom. There is urine on the floor and wall, along with fecal matter at times. I have tried to make the bathroom not smell for the 4 adults that live here (my mother also lives with us) but even cleaning the floor and wall by the toilet every day the smell is very strong. (read that as the bathroom smells like an outhouse or port-a-potty in the summer). I have checked around the toilet for dried body fluids and can find none.
I have also noticed that she seems to have an issue with wiping, meaning there are visible stains on her legs from urine.
She tries to use air freshers to cover the smell but lately, it doesn't even help. The smell in the last 4 days alone is enough to make me gag.
I also have the suspicion that she does not really "wash" in the shower but instead just washes her hair. (her hair is also very long, maybe midback, and she refuses to care for it or cut it) I don't actually know if she even does that. I have noticed when I clean the shower, there is a build-up of her shampoo on the side of the tub, which leads me to believe that when she showers shampoo is dropped, or she is just squirting it out on the floor. She also does not use soap or a washcloth.
I am at my wit's ends. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking but it does nothing. I have tried offering to clean, and she flat out tells me no. I have suggested that showers might make her feel better, but she says nothing to that. I have asked her if she needs help in the shower and she does not answer.
Her son, said to me "I shouldn't have to tell her several times a week she needs a shower" and my only response was, no you shouldn't. She should do this on her own.
Note to add
she has gone over 14 days without a shower before.
By the way.......we have considered greatly her going into a home however she knows us still and my dad feels he can't handle her being so sad without him.
Good luck with the new person and take comfort in knowing you have done and are doing all you can. I too have considered placement, but to what end I say? To tear apart these two bonded souls who have been married 70+ years? The stress of that alone could kill my 103 year old father. OR me considering I am recuperating from a dissected aorta! Just the investigative work, prep work, actual move...so not worth the stress of it all. My concern is if something changes...For instance right now she can dress and handle the toilet and eats on her own if given food...but as I complained elsewhere Dad will not cooperate with a plan to lock her out of the kitchen which is the simplest way to keep her out of the fridge where she is eating food that is not well, it just is not what one should eat in access. Like Jam or bbq sauce. SHe adores her olives and pickles. Usually there are no negative consequences...today there was....poop on the living room carpet....so I can only wonder if there is residue on her. She is impossible to deal with...but life goes on. This only happened one other time and she absolutely refused to get in the shower. I couldn't stand the thought of poor dad having to get in bed with her so I literally got a scissors and cut her damn nightgown off of her throwing a robe over her as I completed it.
And so it goes...And it is a damn shame the turn Hospice has taken. I get they have their rules etc., but out of simple human decency you'd think they'd do what they could to make sure you had other help lined up prior to dumping you.
Just reading your last statement, and can so relate....mom always wants dad in view it seems....Just not worth the grief to upset everyone, unless there is a dire safety or health concern. I'm sure some will see my situation especially as just that if not borderline....but we are still handling it...maybe not well...but what gain is there to someones life to have others force them screaming and upset to take a damn shower? It's just not worth it.
I have posed a similar question myself some time back, as well as brought the subject up at a support group meeting. I am about ready to scream with the clueless people who suggest make it a "spa day" environment. This is a problem so beyond that.
I also wonder if she wouldn’t feel more comfortable in a shower if there was a seat in there and / or grab rails. She might not be washing because she is afraid of falling. Of course she’ll need a hand shower and encourage her to spray her nether regions. And make sure the bathroom is warm enough for her.
Good luck!
2) Showers can feel unsafe to the elderly and the use of shower shoes, seats, and grab rails can make it less stressful.
3) Assistance may be needed from yourself or probably an outsider who she doesn't feel embarrassed in front of - perhaps arrange a shower assistant to come in as often as NECESSARY, and sort out cleaning herself as needed for other times.
4) showering can be painful - sounds ridiculous but try after you have been to the dentist and you will soon realise the pressure is plenty to cause pain to an elderly person with thinner skin and less tolerance to things there rest of us take for granted. Perhaps blanket bathing or use of a bath rather than a shower would be an option, or maybe having a tap fixed so you can reduce pressure to the shower or change the type of shower head.
Just some points - try thinking laterally from what you would expect from yourself and talking to her about what she will do unless she wants to have to go into AL.
2. Was your mother already living with you? What is your mother’s condition ? What does she say about all this?
3. Is this your home or your husband’s home that everyone has moved into? Are you dependent on your husband for a home and food for you and your mother ( is this a job or a marriage)?
4. Where was MIL living before she moved in with everyone? What condition was her residence in?
( these are questions for you to ask yourself)
5. For most of 2 years I felt like I was living in a nursing home and was the sole employee in that nursing home ( my husband of over 50 years had several strokes and my brother was given up by his physicians as terminal and about to die any minute).
i had to learn to deal with nursing home filth and smells ( something the nursing home had not learned) and not being able to have my grandchildren over because it was so bad.
I was running for 20 hours a day with constant scrubbing and 4 loads of laundry a day, cooking 6 meals a day for diabetics who would NOT eat the same things. ETC.
i cannot imagine marrying in to this nightmare.
After installing safety handles and non-slip pads in the shower, she became much more accepting. Not that she still "doesn't want to", but now allows herself to be washed. Also, the suggestion that if she didn't want me to help her, then we would have to hire outside help to come in and bath her. Obviously, she preferred my help to that of a stranger.
If she is suffering from dementia, it's possible she doesn't realize others smell her or how long it has been since she bathed. Immediately after showering, washing and styling her hair, she sits down and asks if she has to shower and wash her hair today! Crazy!
After installing safety handles and non-slip pads in the shower, she became much more accepting. Not that she still "doesn't want to", but now allows herself to be washed. Also, the suggestion that if she didn't want me to help her, then we would have to hire outside help to come in and bath her. Obviously, she preferred my help to that of a stranger.
If she is suffering from dementia, it's possible she doesn't realize others smell her or how long it has been since she bathed. Immediately after showering, washing and styling her hair, my mother sits down and asks if she has to shower and wash her hair today! Crazy!