Need help telling mother in law she smells and needs to take a shower. Any ideas?

Does she have any form of dementia? If not, does she have chronic depression? It’s time for her son or whoever her medical power of attorney is to step in and say mom it’s time to make some changes, I’m not going to let you neglect your health anymore. I’d take her to the doctor- get her checked for a UTI, she may be having incontinence and overall weakness or mild confusion related to this which may be affecting her mobility and that may possibly be part of the reason she doesn’t shower and can’t seem to always find the toilet. This is highly likely that she has one especially with the strong odor. Her son needs to sit down with her and say very gently, something along the lines of, “mother, I’m worried about your health, it’s very clear to me that you have not showered in the last few days because you have greasy hair and some spots on you that don’t look clean. We need to come to an understanding that you need some help with these things. We can hire someone or so and so can help you get cleaned up. You need to bathe at least twice a week. This is no longer an option to neglect yourself.” Then make a shower calendar that you either leave in her room or somewhere discrete and whoever is responsible for making sure she bathes put a sticker or mark on the day she bathed- don’t let her manage it though because she may add one and use it as leverage if she really does not want a bath. I would let her make the mark and then I’d put it away. Then every time she refuses, refer to the calendar and say, “remember our agreement? It’s been blank days since you showered, and you need to shower. It’s no longer an option for you to neglect your health. I want you to be Heathy, and I want to make sure you’re taken care of because I love you. Can we please get up and at least do a quick shower?” So designate your days twice a week a lot of people do Monday and Thursday, and make it very clear that she can’t just neglect herself anymore and that it is not an option. This may be early symptoms of dementia, so I would say try to get her to go to a doctor and be evaluated for both a UTI and have a neuro evaluation done on her to see if there’s anything going on or if she needs depression treatment. This is not normal and it is not just her being lazy, something is medically going on either mentally or physically that needs to be solved first. Hope this helps. Much love dear, stay strong!

A little warning: before you invest in one of those 'walk in tubs' be absolutely POSITIVE that your LO will actually use it. They are hella-expensive and are hard to install and even harder to remove and DO NOT add to the value of your home.

I have a friend who put one in for her mother & aunt who moved in with her. They HATED HATED HATED it. Fear for leaking water, fear for drowning, you name it. So it never got used.

Trying to sell her home with this as the 2nd bathroom was a no-deal for so many people and to remove it was over $5K (including install of new shower). I'd actually like one, personally, back surgery left me with chronic back pain that makes a good soak in a regular tub impossible. BUT, I know I'd use one, so maybe when we move to the 'retirement home' I'll have one installed.

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I’ve just discovered Stryker bath washcloths that you can microwave for one minute to get nice and warm, and use them for a sponge bath. They do not drip, they have soap and moisturizer, and there are eight washcloths per package, so that entire body can be done. They are disposed in the trash. I tried them once with my mom and we were successful. The same company sells a shower cap that you rub it on the head and then when you remove it the hair is clean and just needs to be combed. I haven’t tried that one yet but I’m planning to.

Personal hygiene is such an intrinsic part of modern society that it’s difficult to notice how incredibly complicated bathing is. Dozens of steps need to be accomplished in sequence. Add limited strength and range of motion, fear of falling from balance problems, and the sheer discomfort of being cold and wet. When you break it down, bathing can be mentally and physically overwhelming.

Yes, your loved one is being stubborn in refusing to bathe. But no amount of chiding, negotiating or threatening can address the core issue: she may no longer capable of bathing independently. The same applies to toileting.

At this point she needs supervision, cuing and physical assistance. That means a family member or professional aide should be there to help every time. If the root cause is cognitive decline, she’s never going to improve.

That’s the difficult reality. It sounds Ike you’re so stressed dealing with the consequences of her constant hygiene issues that you don’t have time to consider the root problems. I absolutely understand that the immediate mess has to be dealt with now, but when you have time to take a breath, consider if this situation is sustainable and how you’ll cope as it gets worse. She needs help and you need help.

On a related note: there are fungal infections that can cause horrific body odor.

Sometimes an elder doesn’t notice their own smell or can’t identify the source of their discomfort.

It’s worth a quick check to rule out. Look for an angry rash, especially in folds and moist places. Unclothed, the source of fungal reek is impossible to miss.

Can't wait to read the other responses. Assuming this women has no mental functioning issues, then she can understand the request as well as the reason for it. My patience is short so I would probably say, look, we are looking after you, and you are staying with us for us to provide you with care. We CANNOT live with the odor you are generating in the bathroom and clearly are at a point you need more help than we can provide or you will allow from US. SO you either allow us to hire an aide to help you x number of times per week (maybe once, to start?) OR we will have to move you to a facility. From following this issue for what seems forever, a frequent conclusion is people are uncomfortable accepting help from those they are closest to but a professional caregiver is a different matter. You don't mention having a shower stool or chair? OR handheld shower head? It seems like she could be asked directly what the issue IS. Is it too cold? Need to temporarily turn the heat up? My mother has dementia. We believe the last time she showered is going on....brace yourself.....4 years ago, this coming May. It was just prior to the birthday party for my dad who was turning 100. Since then we have tried with no success. NONE. If she is not a miserable uncooperative witch, she goes every 2 weeks to the guy who has been doing her hair for years. This is not for beauty so much as to get her hair washed, and simply blown dry. He is a love of a guy with patience and understanding. THe end of the prior year we buy a sizeable gift card and he deducts for each visit so no funds need to be exchanged. We tell him to include a tip. Because of the stress of getting her there, it is only every 2 weeks. THere are days she refuses or is uncooperative, and on those I do my best to give him a heads up, and we also have him deduct the visit cost, because we have reserved the time. I also had a nurse out from a home care provider. Mom actually greeted her at the door and left her and I alone. Busied herself "dusting"; walked up and down stairs in view of the nurse, easily and unassisted. Nurse's conclusion? She'd do NOTHING. I was shocked. THey had seen this often enough. People could go YEARS she said. We hired a private agency more than one or two years after that. Person was a retired nurse no less. Purpose was primarily to assist with shower. Mom was annoyed with her presence in the house period and no rapport was established. Retired nurse was rather unskilled and clueless as it was. I was relieved when she couldn't follow directions and I dismissed her early one day and then informed the agency we were done. That rather turned me off from wanting further help. We are at least blessed with mom's ability to toilet on her own. And there really, truly is no horrible odor...though I don't often get that close. Placing her would generate even more stress, and to what end? So they will force that to be done and she will be distraught and screaming? I could not live with that. THere was one horrendous episode....possibly triggered by her having demolished a large jar of sweet pickle chips the day prior, she had a uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. She was dressed at the time, Refusing to listen to me or her husband. He finally got her in their bathroom where there is a stall shower and refused to let her out, until she showered. He had turned it on. No go. By this point she had put a nightgown one and the poo was now on the inside of that and down at least one leg. I couldn't let this poor guy have to get in bed with the stench (I knew he still would in spite of there being a spare bedroom). I began to wonder seriously about calling 911 and having her taken to the hospital....instead I got scissors and I literally resorted to actually cutting the nightgown off of her, and giving her a robe.

this struck me — no one suggested as far as I can tell — make DH clean up her mess since he isn’t supporting your requests to make her bathe etc— easy for him to say she can stay if YOU do all the work! Also women tend to have better sense of smell -/ it’s a blessing and a curse lol— but when our grands have wet diaper I can usually smell it right away while hubby can’t even if I ask him specifically to sniff their bum!
68 is young so likely dementia from stroke — is this someone who has always been a bit slovenly though?
if she has nothing should qualify for Medicaid if citizen - can sometimes get aide but if not try care.com for couple times a week to bathe - tell DH that he either does it for her himself or helps you lay down the law. My Dad was resistant too - has dementia and was pulling all the tricks to avoid bathing -/ shower on but him not even wet then same clothes still on him while he’d insist he was clean! But now has a shower aide and just cooperates. Might have to warm up to idea gradually - might be that gets sob or dizzy or sometimes even eyesight issues where shower floor looks like giant hole to them . But stick to guns and say need to be clean or out, plus still explore a home . Some are nice and need to keep looking . Small group homes can be good too. Also talk with other families for ideas. I might try in home first cuzza Covid and DH feelings but your home should be your haven .
you don’t mention your own age or kids / having elderly in home can be either good or bad for them as well . If she is argumentative or mean then should not be around your kids full time either
as someone said VA also has $ assistance For aides plus va run homes so look into that if her spouse OR herself is/ was a vet. My poa sis refuses (d) to do this with my parents but spends down their savings tremendously because also won’t try getting through Medicare or health insurances they have (had). Ridiculous but after suggesting many times I give up . She even interfered with me speaking with social workers in hospital and rehab center — and at that time she didn’t have poa plus we were both listed as medical representative for hippa and notification access . Mom still was coherent so could make own decisions . Anyway -if she is not competent then make sure son or someone gets poa also but never sign as financially responsible for her care. If someone insists you sign make sure to note next to signature not resp or cross out a line that says so
good luck

First of all, do you think there might be dementia issues? Are there other things she is forgetting? Or is this just a lazy issue about taking a bath?

You need to pop in on her in the bathroom to figure out how she can even manage to get pee on the floor and, especially, a wall. If her overall body has a smell due to not bathing, each time she pulls her pants down in the bathroom to expose private parts, it is creating an odor. It's very likely she could have an UTI or yeast problem at this point. Yeast is a very obnoxious odor. Infections of the outer skin usually have a smell that is not for those with a weak stomach.

If there is no dementia, you and hubby need to sit her down and tell her flat out that she will be taking regular baths and if she can't do it alone, she will be getting some help. Meaning if she comes out of the bathroom smelling about like she did when she went in, she will be going back to try again. Lay it out on the line - she smells bad and you know she would not want other people to notice it. It is not easy to wash long hair, but you can get her help with that or get it cut to a more manageable length if she so chooses. Then stay on her until the bathing is completed on certain days - preferably daily. Explain the rules and that everyone else in the house should not have to live with a disgusting odor.

I will say, it is rather common w/some older folks that they quit bathing every day. Maybe because they sit around and don't feel like they did anything to get dirty. I'm not quite sure about that. And with dementia patients, it is common that some of them become fearful of water/bathing.

Squirting the shampoo on the tub is creating a huge fall risk, if that is what she's doing. Let her know if she has trouble getting shampoo where it belongs, she can get help. You may want to call her doctor and ask if home health (bathing or other needs) can be ordered to give her some assistance. If that happens, talk to the agency ahead of time and let them know the aide will have to insist on the bath because she will more than likely try to decline.

Some older women develop an unpleasant odor regardless of hygiene, but your MIL obviously has hygiene and toileting problems beyond any reasonable expectation of taking care of them within normal family routine. She either needs a hired caregiver at home or placement in a facility.

She should NOT do this on her own because she’s obviously becoming physically and emotionally mentally slower.
She Did not answer when you asked her if you could help her so that might be a sign she might want some type of partial area of her body washed..?

and say “let me just help you wash your feet and start with the feet and do your feet as well something like that .....”I have the special cream I’m gonna put on my neck ..I’d like to get you some here around your ears ....to start with a little parts spray some rosemary into the room before you go in.
Another moment you might try to; Walk into the room spontaneously and jovially say, “Good morning MIL, they are going to show Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl today.... oh what’s that ???? And sniff your own arm pits ... breath into your hand as you reach it to your mouth Looking like you are cupping your hand to catch a whiff of your breath.....(But make sure she’s in full view of you and watching your movements and your facial expressions)
Then then run over to her and ask her to sniff your mouth and then ask her mother-in-law is it me do you smell anything?
Pull the shirt from your armpits closer to your nose , imagine seeing this scene on television make it believable then ask her if she minds if you take a sniff closer to her or just motion yourself over to her and make a movement with your head as if you’re sniffing upwards closer to her body say MIL, I see a pee or dried poop ... let me get that poop off for you ...

OR blame it on humidity and mildew getting into the clothes and you could just wash them really fast.

“ the detergent molded and it’s the same smell coming from this area here... let me help you change ...”..

Even if you get a small basin of warm soapy water and she can wash her privates and arm pits when she takes a toilet break (a soapy peppermint natural Dr Bronner soap, you’ll be ahead . )
If she’ll shower, even better. Chemical soaps decimate and strip your skins natural oils. Maybe she just

I am an RN w/36 years experience with gerontology- special in home health and hospice
1. sounds like underlying dementia And possibly a urine / skin infection if possible get her seen by MD
ask for a home health referral- physical therapy for muscle weakness, generalized deconditioning. She may not qualify, but the assessment is free. They can truly tell you if there is a possible qualifying condition.
2. She definitely needs someone to assist with bathing- is there any other family or friends that may be able to help?
3. I recommend a shower chair with a back for safety. Many times they don’t bathe due to fear of falling or getting sick.
4. install a hand- held shower head in addition to the shower. They’re low cost and easy to install
5. Install hand rails. Not the suction cup type, the ones that secure with screws.
6. Place non- slip surface on the bottom of the tub. Low cost, easy to install.
as for the commode- are you open to considering a bedside commode for her? It might take care of the shared commode issue.
7. if possible get some time alone for you and hubby. A picnic, movie, or just coffee away from the house to reconnect sounds like it’s needed.
god bless you. This is difficult to say the least.

Oh.... poor woman! I can’t imagine what it feels like to not be able to physically take care of yourself. And to have to deal with not being clean. You seem to word your answer that she is to blame. She is NOT- she’s the victim. Hear me out. I used to go through these EXACT things (and more) with my mother. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t take action to improve herself (I have SO many examples). It enraged me. But you have to look at it plainly: if she ISN’T doing these things it’s because she CAN’T do these things... you just don’t realize that because up until now she’s been capable of doing it until recently. She obviously is not anymore. It’s a very very common thing for elders to do to leak urine or get feces on the toilet or other places… It used to infuriate(!!) me when my father did this actually because I thought he well knew what he was doing but he just didn’t give a shit and was gonna let somebody else clean it up! Sadly I learned later they just aren’t aware - and physically things become such a struggle for them that they just can’t deal with it. Otherwise they would because nobody wants to feel bad or be dirty. Your mom is probably experiencing a number of feelings between confusion (I would think definitely at least some early dementia here), fear, embarrassment… even if that’s not apparent to you.
You can’t expect the same things of her anymore and it sounds like you’re starting to move into the phase where you have to treat them more like a child and take care of them. Please be patient and kind as you will see how this is going to progress and how much she needs you. Try to put yourself in her shoes and think about how bad you must feel or what you must have going on mentally or physically to not be able to do these things for yourself.
And to second the last answer, **she defintiely needs help now, assisting her in the toilet and bathing**. It can’t be you. The beauty of having a caregiver is that they can get her to do things you can’t! Do all seven things that nurse recomended and she need someone to come in at least 3 times/week for bathing, other help.

Let us know how it goes!

it breaks my heart for her that you say that she should be able to do this on her own. She can’t. Please get her the help she deserves. what I want saw as laziness and my mom I’m very sadly later realized it was dementia.

At this point you'll understand that she is unable to care for herself, most in the U.S. first encounter this with older pets.
Humans deteriorate in a similar manner. At this juncture, professionals need to be helping her ... which means, it's time to hire home care for her, since she is unable to physically care for herself. Contact your local Medicaid assistance, to see if she qualifies for Medicaid home care givers
And, to keep her outside an elder home, you'll need to install adaptive hardware, to assist her disabled condition. Shower bars toilet bars, shower bench, etc. Maybe get ideas from Handicapped bathrooms online.

All in all she is physically and mentally unable to care, and make decisions for herself, which means she needs professional help.

Hi. She may have open wounds that need special care. I emphasize with your distress.

Practically speaking, install a bidet attachment. Or a full bidet seat. Also, get a new toilet seat: a Bemis soft-close (no slam) with the upcurved end which prevents matter from getting behind the seat. Next: Keep wipes in a glass jar, both flushable and nonflushable. I get lavender scented biodegradable bags from BecauseMarket.com (for incontinence issues). Place a grab bar near the toilet for her to steady herself seating and rising. Get yourself a can of Febreze to actually spray her -- if possible, get Febreze liquid and dilute it in a tiny spray bottle so she won't notice; you spray directly onto clothing. Next, there are sprays that she can use that you don't have to rinse. BecauseMarket.com sells them, but they are widely available. They spray a fine mist and absorb biological odors. I keep a spray bottle of 409 next to the toilet and do wiping down for my LO. Next, regarding fecal matter -- her poops can be less splattering if she has a fiber drink; a gentle one is Citrucel - you don't need to have large quantities, and mix with fruit juice and she'll never know. In the same vein, a probiotic (sprinkled on her meals?) will keep her regular and beautiful poops. Remember, if she is messy, then she probaby needs to wash her hands so have pump soaps and a wall dispenser for both towelettes and megarolls of TP; we have both and it makes it easier for the person. Does she have incontinence? Check out pads and overnights (again, I get direct subscription shipments from BecauseMarket, but there are plenty plenty of others which you may well prefer); I also got inco underpants for daytime and put in a pad and set these things out or put in a large cloth bag for the person to help herself. I also got a little plastic pitcher on Amazon for true nighttime emergencies.

Then either you or your husband will have to talk to her one on one and let her know that the smell is bad and other Adults have to share the bathroom with her so if she wants to continue living there, she has to do something about it then tell her what has to be done. Tell her you noticed that she has problems going to the bathroom, wiping herself, ect and that she has to take a shower/bath Every Day.

Buy a Shower Chair so she can sit while she showers.

I completely understand your predicament; sadly. Well, my MIL was living with me and my husband - we got married in 2019. However the house we are living in was purchased by my husband in 2015 for him and his mother. I moved in with them in 2017. Anyhow...
my MIL had Alzheimer’s/Dementia which started to be obvious in 2014. Since the time I lived here; my MIL never wanted to take a bath and it was always a struggle. She would always tell us that she would take it later or that she already took one. A few times my MIL would try and get out of a bath by telling me that she “ ..grew up on a farm..” Ha ha. Luckily she didn’t have any accidents - until recently, and was generally very hygienic. Bullying was my MIL’s forte with me. I wanted to leave so many times!!!

We lost my MIL a few days ago.

I completely sympathize with your situation. It seems like a very stressful set up and I hope that you have the 100% support of your husband. I was in denial and figured that I could easily care for my MIL and husband - who has health issues. In order to care for loved ones we need to take care of ourselves. Best wishes, sincerely

Get a black light so you can tell where to clean. Bleach is your answer to the smell if that's possible.
If you decide to use bathroom wipes for her bottom don't put them down the toilet, give her a ziploc to put them in.
This really sounds like some dementia to me. I'm sorry if that's not accurate. I am putting a bidet in my father's home to see if it helps him. He is aware but has bowel issues due to cancer of the bladder and radiation. So, that might be a thought. You don't have to have electricity to have one. Easy to install and I got mine for about 40 bucks off Amazon!
Would she repond like a child to a chart or offer to get her a special treat each time she showers? Or, to go out to eat if she showers. I know it sounds pretty elementary but sometimes older adults respond more like children. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way.

Does she have dementia? A UTI? Did you move her in with you so you could care for her? Are her finances in good shape or do you see her missing bill payments, appointments, etc? Does she make lists or keep multiple calendars as reminders?
It sounds like she needs to see a physician very soon, and have a work up.

IF dementia (a big 'IF'): It could be that the move from her usual routines has left her adrift-there's lots of new things and she's pushed to her limits. If she has a form of cognitive impairment, she isn't remembering that she hasn't showered.
And... she believes she's showering completely. If she has dementia she is unaware that she is soiling herself and the bathroom. She's lost access to her executive function that lets her to assess how thoroughly she's cleaned herself and to decide if she needs to do more. That part of her brain has atrophied and she's progressed far enough that she can't recruit more brain reserves to make up the difference.
IF dementia: Part of dementia can be a lack of awareness that anything is amiss. Understand that trying to reason with her, or shame her, or track her showering to show her that she isn't, will merely be an exercise in frustration for you. It's not that she doesn't want to help, or be clean, or understand, it's that she can't. She probably used to shower every day, and so in her world that's what she's continuing to do. Imagine that you took a shower this morning and at lunch your husband did this: He offered to clean you, he then suggests a shower would make you feel better, and then finally he asks if you need help in the shower. How would you react?
If it is dementia I highly recommend reading this: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Once you have an assessment then it's time to sit down with hubby and decide if it's feasible for her to remain with you. Best of luck,

Imho, this, too, was my late mother. Since I had to move in with her from my own state, every day before I could even use her bathroom, first I had to tiptoe around the floor, which had poop stains on them and also I could not sit on the toilet until I had wiped it down. So my mother also had a odor about her, had talk with her about that to no avail. I realized that she, too, was not washing her body well. She was also rewearing stained clothing and it was gross. She used Lysol products, which were ineffective. I used Bath and Body concentrated room sprays, which are very good and STRONG and also last a long time. My mother had frequent Urinary Tract Infections. Suggest that you get some of like kind concentrated room sprays.

As for the toilet, she may need a potty chair placed over the toilet so she doesn't miss. It should have arms on it so she sits in the "right place". You may also wish to consider a bidet attachment to your toilet. It will help keep her bottom area much cleaner. Since your MIL has strong-smelling urine, I suggest that she have a doctor appointment to check for a UTI - which can happen when ladies do not clean well enough or clean properly.

As for the general body odor, you may have to consider being a little sneaky. Consider making her bath time into spa time. Tell her you and your hubby have decided she needs to be pampered like this frequently. Draw her a bath with some mild soap in it. Light a perfumed candle. Play soft music she likes. Weekly follow it up with a mani pedi and "trim" her hair. With COVID, I have become fairly handy trimming my hubby's hair and there are great videos about how to cut hair for men and women online. Tell her that she means a lot to both of you and that spa days are a way of showing your love. On non-spa days, help her with "air plane baths" - wipes so she can clean under her "wings" and "tail".

Consider washing her laundry separately. If it has strong odor (most likely) use products for pet accidents; the enzymes are strong enough to break down the waste products and their odors.

Is there a medical reason that your MIL does not shower and have proper toileting hygiene? Or is it just bad hygiene and aversion to caring for herself? If it's the latter, has she been this way for a long time?
Unfortunately bad behaviors tend to magnify as a person gets older.
If she doesn't listen to you, as most loved ones don't listen to their LOs but will listen to outsiders, I wonder if short term outside help could be a possibility?
If finances allow, consider hiring a Home Health Aide for a short time to show MIL how to shower and they will also help clean her. Once you can get her into a routine then hopefully she will continue. Maybe they could assist with toilet hygiene as well.
It sounds like dementia, but that's not always the case. A resident who shared a bathroom with my mom in the NH she used to be in had awful toilet hygiene just like that and they did not have dementia- they just didn't care.
As for the smell, bleach should help as well as get everything clean. A small black light should show where any missed urine is.
Sprays such as Scoe 10-X and Zorbx Smell Nothing could also help with odors- I use those. Here's an unconventional one- when one of my cats was spraying everywhere, I was told to use plain- like the gold original flavor, no mint- mouthwash on the areas. It takes a few applications sometimes, but it gets rid of the smell! Cat pee is one of the hardest smells ever to get rid of and this might work for you.
My heart goes out to you- it's a tough situation for sure.

I went through this same thing with my mother in law. If you continue to tolerate this, your going to end up resenting her.
You shouldn't have to tell her that she's offensive or pleading with her to shower. The only way to resolve this is. A) You and your husband need to show a united front.
B) Have this conersation together.
C) Ultimatum. If she can't take care of herself, maybe she'll be better suited in a " Board & Care " facility.
If you continue to tolerate this, the probem will only get worse.
I'll keep you in my prayers!

It sounds ( to me ) like there is a lot of things that are happening that sound like dementia. I would suggest getting in touch with the Council on Aging in your area. I also suggest joining a Caretakers group . It helps knowing you are not the only one going thru these things. Getting her to a doctor might be difficult. Part of the disease involves denial. I’m not sure threatening her will help. If she is having mental issues she will not understand. Hygiene seems to be a major problem as the disease progresses. You need help . All kinds of help, not just for MIL but for the whole household. My husband, a teacher, coach, referee, landscaper with a masters degree is on the slippery slope . Within the last year he has started avoiding the shower. He also smells . He is nose blind. He is able to shower on his own but it is a chore just to get him in once a week . I got a shower chair and had bars installed. At this stage of the game I am still able to emphasize that it’s not negotiable.. He might get more difficult as time goes by .
There is help out there and things that will need to be done . Start with educating your self . You may want to contact an elder lawyer. MIL will need to give someone a POA . Hopefully she has not got to the suspicious and not trusting stage. You have to financially protect your self and husband and MIL. She may need a facility down the line. Maybe sooner rather than later. You have to be aware of what the future will bring.
You really must try to get a diagnosis if at all possible.
If you have any spare time , look into some You Tube videos by Teepa Snow.
As far as the mess in the house , consider trying to get home health care in for her and a professional cleaner , too . There may be medical reasons she is having such a difficult time in the bathroom .
You have your hands full , you have homework to do .. The more you know, the better off you and your husband will be .
Best of luck ....

See if you can get mother n law to let you help her sponge bathe with disposable wipes. They make thick ones for this very reason. Try a shampoo cap on her head. Just scrub and it’s done.

My mother did not have dementia, lived in her own house at 96 but refused any outside help.

It was the best I could do. Talk her into a sponge bath with thick wipes and a shampoo cap.

By the way, she didn’t let me do it very often either.

I just had to put my husband in a nursing home because he would not let me do anything for him except give him his pills. He has Dementia very bad among other problems. I sure hope it goes well for me and you as well!

Two things to bear in mind:
1) You stop being able to smell things that you live with all the time. I stopped smelling leather when I worked in a leather factory. Dry-land people who don’t wash because water is scarce, eventually cannot smell themselves and their friends and relations.
2) You stop noticing stains when your eye-sight goes. I have to check up close to the mirror for things spilled down my front, and also check the washing up for bits.

If MIL can’t smell and can’t see the problem, nagging won’t help. It takes supervision, OR a checklist with ticks to show what's been done, OR a stick (and perhaps carrot) approach – 'you do this if you want to live here', OR all three! Supervision will tell you exactly what is happening with the shampoo, and also exactly how she is washing. Some embarrassing conversations simply have to happen! You can't live with this indefinitely.

My mom moved in with me 2 years ago after suffering a right leg amputation. She was 85 then. One thing I noticed right away was the resentment a LO can hold against their caregiver. My mom Is of sound mind but, even with dementia, I’m sure that spark of stubborn resentment can shine through!

You’re doing your best for her while she hates the fact that she has to depend on you, that she’s lost her independence and autonomy. Your MIL’s poor hygiene practice is one thing in her life that SHE can still control and you cannot.

My heart goes out to you and your MIL but this situation cannot continue. If your MIL is mentally and physically capable of handling her personal hygiene and not leaving a mess in the bathroom, then you and her son need set down the house rules that she must follow. She now shares a space with 3 others and guests, and she MUST respect that, regardless of how she feels about her situation. Others may disagree but I draw the line at cleaning pee and poop off of the floor and wall from someone who is capable of proper toileting.

If she is not capable, mentally or physically, then start with home healthcare and progress to nursing care if necessary. She has severe issues that are too toxic for you to live with and are beyond your abilities.

My mom’s resentment never really improved but I made it clear to her that she had to shower daily. Not negotiable. Unfortunately, she suffered amputation of the left leg 3 months ago, but is now in a nice, Medicaid-funded nursing home. She tried to carry over that attitude to her caregivers there but I told her, “This is where you live now. Let your caregivers help you, but make the best of your new world.”

Your MIL probably has cognitive issues going on plus diminished mobility due to arthritis, body size, medications, etc.

In all honesty, she needs care beyond what you possibly can. Plus this is a long term care requirement since she could live another 5-10 years this way. Plus as others have said, people lose their sense of smell with age. I have lost mine at 60 from using nasal decongestant sprays! Never knew it at the time that it was causing more damage.

Your husband may have made the promise but unless he is cleaning up after her, it is not a promise he is keeping. You’re the one doing all the work and you guys just got married.

You both need to sit down and be realistic about both your parents long term care. There may be in home long term care options offered through your state’s MediCAID program if your MIL qualifies for it.

Do you work as well as take take care of everybody? That is too much for anybody.

After reading thru all the other answers I have some suggestions.

You could consider having a professional assess the bathroom and make recommendations to make the bathroom more comfortable and safe for your mom. My mother's physical therapist gave us lots of good suggestions for rearranging things and what physical aids would help.

If your MIL has had strokes her balance and sense of space could be off, making standing in the bathtub scary. A transfer bench can make it easier, and safer, for her to get into and out of the tub.

Consider the room from her point of view. Is the toilet roll easy to see and reach? If she feels unsteady what can she hold onto? Does the shower curtain get in the way? Is the surface of the tub slippery? How can she see and use soaps, shampoos etc? Are the containers easy to get open? Are there surfaces to safely place containers in the bathtub? Can she distinguish between the different items?

Lastly, Medicare can provide a lot of the home care items, and if she qualifies for Medicaid they can help with in-home assistance.