Need help, seeking input, and feeling frustrated.

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Currently I am caring for my elderly grandparent. Recently turned 96. She’s been on a “death kick” lately ~ and after speaking to her, was able to determine that she’s worried about expenses ‘when the time comes’ ~ legitimate fear on their part. Anyways, grandparent has two bank accounts (two different banks). I’m listed on the main one (can write checks to pay the household bills). On the second account her daughter is listed as main account holder. Well, one thing my grandparent has said... the account (@2nd bank) is specifically for her final expenses. I called the funeral director that she wants to use when the time comes. Spoke with the director’s wife. Ended up making an appointment to go down and “talk”. The wife knew why I wanted the appointment but she wanted to hear it from grandparent. And yes, grandparent said same thing to her. She signed a pre planning sheet. So pretty much have all the costs spelled out on the paperwork. Honestly, after that was done - all the “death talk” stopped. Well, got a frantic text from the daughter about the account earlier this evening... I tried to explain everything but oh my word - I got hit verbally in ways I never even imagined...


Starting with:


She was going to deposit money in account for head stone inscription of grandparent’s older sister - who passed away in 2012. To the best of my knowledge, aunt was the poa of the older sister ~ to include managing her affairs (money, etc.). Older sister had her own accounts.
Aunt was livid when she realized I was on the account - said/swore that the money was never intended for me - was in a trust for her. Thing to that being, grandparent and I went to the bank - we had a discussion with one of the branch managers. The original account was not totally closed out (still has $1,000). The second account has $5,000 in an irrevocable trust fund. Aunt then says (demands?) that I would need to open an account in my name. The money in that account (@2nd bank) doesn’t mean anything to me. I thought I was doing the right thing for grandparent. Aunt then makes a statement that she didn’t put her kids (my cousins) on the account - why would she? It doesn’t concern them. She then made it clear that she would ‘remedy this’. I’m at a loss for words...
Ironically aunt then made a statement that it was just ‘assumed’ (didn’t read the entire text, my blood was boiling) I’d ‘get the house’. Well, the house is already being left to me in the will. And yes, I’m prepared to deal with the idiots contesting it when the time comes...kinda sad that I was added on the account over a year ago and she’s just saying something now? Prior to me even knowing about the account...the account was listed as ‘idle’ (no recent deposits). Eh, I smell bullspit...
I don’t know much about costs for grave stone inscriptions, but does it really cost $6,000? Something (well, quite a few things) isn’t sitting right with me.
The funeral director’s wife is well aware of the messed up family dynamics (from drama earlier in 2017).


Grandparent’s name is on the account too. Grandparent opened it up and added the daughter. I have a sick feeling that the daughter is trying to blow smoke up my rear. I’m more concerned that she’s STILL running her mouth ~ as much as it pains me to say it.. I question the motives of the daughter - starting with, why didn’t she use the estate monies of grandparent’s older sister to pay for engraving of the grave stone? It’s been quite a few months and the daughter is just realizing this now? If the daughter was truly making deposits, she would have seen my name on the account. Grandparent and I spoke to the bank representative - they could see everything...they wouldn’t have made those changes if it wouldn’t be allowed?


(...had an incident earlier this year with a different relative calling APS and making up unfounded lies. When I tried to talk to aunt about the ‘guilty party’ who called APS - told to just ‘let it go’ and that she doesn’t believe the guilty party made the call. I know in my heart that the guilty party made that call... but as always, isn’t being held accountable for her actions)


Money truly is the root of all evil, it makes people do strange things.


Unrelated note: Despite everything (APS, etc) that was done...I do keep them informed about grandparent. While reading my emails, came across one from a step sibling ~ saying I’m a lazy pos who is sponging off of grandparent. I have no career (..been with current employer for over 9 years) and am a loser. The list goes on, but y’all get the point.
Figures the ones who have the most to say, can’t even confront me over the phone/in person, but rather by email ~ spewing all kinds of hate and lies. Go figure, when I try to talk to grandparent’s kids - I’m told to ‘let it go’, etc. Unreal, I’m expected to suck it up. But now if the tables were turned (cousins in my position) - would things be different?

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I don’t know how caregivers do it (in general/as a whole) ~ the ones in my ‘family’ who have the most to say are no where to be found. Sadly the ones who can’t be found like to call APS for the heck of it and send me nasty emails saying I’m a loser, etc. I know who the guilty parties are ~ yet the rest of the family refuses to stand up to them, so the abuse continues on. As a caregiver, I wish I was strong... I can only hope that one day I get my strength to continue on (..stand up to the bullies).

I don’t ask them for much ~ just on the weekends (every Saturday) I want one of (grandparent’s) kids to stay with grandparent while I’m at work. They don’t even have to stay the entire evening ~ just spend some quality time together...grandparent is 96 and won’t be around forever. Grandparent is very self sufficient on their own, as long as the walker is used properly (have seen shot cuts used but that’s a gripe of mine for another day).
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Hi, the cost to add my mother's information on my dad’s headstone was $475. Two lines - name & dates. They are buried in NJ
Hope this helps.
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I know how you feel. I am very upset now myself. Dysfunctional families make it very difficult for the Caregiver. My brother has planned for years when he would get Money from Mother so that he would clear the money before the five year look back period so that Mother could receive Medicaid at some point if necessary. He didn't think she would live so long. She is going to be 100 this month. I have been Mother's full time caretaker for the last 3 years. At her former facility where he, a cousin and the rogue facility ganged up against me and Mother, they had her removed from Independent Living to Personal Care. She went from Independence to a confused invalid. It was a nightmare. My son and I got her out of there alive and still sighted although this is tenuous,  into a heavenly place. I stay with her in Independent Living with the cat and do everything for her.  We have a small nucleus of a close loving family.  Mother has improved but has not regained her health.  Today my Brother  said  she will get to stay in this  new facility and have Medicaid pay for it when she runs out of money.  I doubt it. If so, either here or at a Medicaid Facility I would not be able to stay with her, neither would Kitty. I would like to take Mother home if she runs out of money. I'm not rich but we could survive on SS and small savings.  How unloving is that that my Brother and cousin think that Loved ones should automatically go to a Facility.  Mother took care of her Mother.  For the sake of keeping peace in the family, I am staying here with Mother, it is nice but my health is going downhill from worry.  I figured when Mother runs out of money brother would support Mother moving home with me.  Brother made it clear today  that he wants her to be in a facility and her not have to pay for it with her on Medicaid instead of Medicare and her Health Insurance. That is what he has planned. He doesn't see or talk to her except once for an hour or so every two years. He doesn't call. He is not bothering to come to her 100th Birthday Party this month. It gets me sick. He didn't learn anything from his butting in know it all attitude. I won't be here at all if I don't take care of myself. Try to find peace in all your stress. Stress gets you sick. 30% of Caretakers die before their Loved Ones. Will keep you in prayer. 
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Can I get your input? I’m past the ‘blood boiling’ stage and at the moment I’m borderline tears.
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Oh, not a problem. It is just so people will only answer one of the questions, rather than dividing the answers between two. The same people are reading all the questions.
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Wasn’t thinking - my apologies. Just feeling very depressed at the moment.
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duplicate question
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