100 years old, in a nursing home, very early dementia, irritable, won't eat the food unless its something I take to her. I visit twice a week, share photos with her, call relatives and friends so she can talk, make her favorite foods. She will participate in catholic mass and rosary but no other activities. Calls me every night to complain about how her day was. She is miserable but likes her aides , roommate and dining companions . often tells me she just wants to die. How do I handle all of this?
Your mother is 100, and her time here on this earth is very limited, and I'm sure she is more than tired of this thing called living, so accept her for who she is now and where she's at at this point in her life. And when she says she just wants to die, tell her that you don't blame her and that it's ok if she wants to go, and that you will be ok when she does leave this world for the next.
You can't fix old age and a lack of appreciation for the gift of living so long. Most of us do not get such a gift.
You can come up with dozens of excuses to leave the phone. Just do it lovingly and reassure her you will talk on the morrow. Little to ask at 100, I think.
Sounds like your Mom is blessed, too.
Ok, going to get serious here.
Your mom is 100...God bless her.
She is able to call you every night! Pretty amazing for someone 100 with dementia. And I even wonder about the dementia how was that diagnosed? Did she go through the battery of tests or did the doctor just do the MME and say, she has dementia? I think at 100 she is not as sharp as she once was but that does not mean dementia.
Sounds like your mom is a religious person. What do you say when she says she "just wants to die"?
This is a valid question for her.
Does she have her funeral planned out? If not ask her if she wants to do that. If it is planned you can ask her if there is anything she wants to change.
When you say she is miserable but she likes her aides, roommate and dining companions what makes you think she is miserable?
Is it because she does not participate in activities? Cuz I gotta tell you there might not be anything she wants to participate in. For her the mass and the Rosery are important not tossing a ball around, watching reruns of I Love Lucy, Bonanza and coloring.
When she said that she wished she was dead already, i listened. I told her she was already 95 and in poor health so it might not be much longer. What else can you say? I became honest towards the end. We both knew she was not going to get better and her quality of life sucked and it couldn’t end soon enough.
i think if she had the option to have MAID in NYS and she decided she wanted it, I would have have helped her with the steps of the process.
Since I am her daughter she feels she can vent to me. She often feels frustrated by her condition and I get the impression that the only way she can express it is by complaining about her environment. She has surprised me a couple of times recently however! The first was when she commented that the food was pretty good and more recently she told me she was happy there, just out of the blue.
I have learned to listen and let her vent but not take it seriously as long as what I see and what the staff says contradict her. I do listen and when problems sound valid I try to address those issues, but most of her complaints are just venting. I’m sure I would feel frustrated if I was in her position as well! It may not feel like it but it is a compliment that she feels safe enough with me to complain!
Mom--"I just want to die."
You respond--"Susies birthday is next week, what should we get her."
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