Need Help; I'm about to the end of my rope.

At the end of one's rope is not a good place to be. Many caregivers wait too long to realize there are options for their loved one's care. Most living with dementia don't want to be placed in a "retirement" home, not understanding that it is the best place for them and their caregiver. If you go much further with your care for her, it could jeopardize your own health and put an end to the future you look forward to. I cared for my wife longer than I should have but came to the realization that if she would be safe, lovingly cared for, have her meds managed, and be where someone knew more about her disease than I did, that, indeed, I was taking care of her. Her MC facility was a godsend for the 15 months she spent there. It's hard, very hard, but you must place your life first at this time. You've done what you could. Take care of yourself and good luck.

The only thing that saves my sanity is the fact that my demented 93.5 y/o mother lives in a Memory Care ALF, meaning I can hang up the phone and say Goodnight when she starts flying off the handle, which she frequently does. Where is it written that retired 'children' HAVE TO care for their parents at home, even after it becomes unbearable to do so, and after said parent requires SO much care that it makes the 'child' sick and at the end of the rope HERSELF?

I will tell you this, with 100% certainty: My mother is beautifully cared for in the ALF where she's lived for the past year (she's been in Assisted Living since 2014) and she would have died LONG AGO if not for that care. Why? Because there are teams of people to care for the elderly 24/7. She's had pneumonia 3x already, it's been caught early and treated; all sorts of things. She's wheelchair bound so the doc comes to see HER over THERE, and so does the dentist, the xray people, all of it. She's fed 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, entertained and amused, and gets to interact daily with peers her own age. She has a beautiful room in a beautiful place with beautiful gardens she can wheel herself around in. People who demonize such ALFs have no idea how wonderful they can truly BE. Stop catering to your mother's every whim and start looking into Memory Care for her, before you lose yourself entirely, for no good reason.

Check out this thread on the subject for some insight on the subject:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm?orderby=recent�

Do something good for YOU in the coming days, ok? We tend to get SO caught up in the care for others that we neglect OUR needs entirely. And then wind up sick and half dead ourselves. We are ALL God's children, not just the elderly, so please don't forget that we all deserve to be treated well.

You have to do what's best for you and your mom, and if that means placing her in a memory care unit, then so be it. She will adjust and so will you. There is no law stating that children must take care of their parents when they are unable to take care of themselves, but it should be your responsibility to make sure that mom gets the very best help possible. And again if that means placing her in a nursing home or memory unit, where she will get round the clock care and you will get to be her daughter again and not her caregiver than do it. You deserve to have a life too, and to be able to go where and when you want.

Caregiving is very hard, and unless you've been there, done that, people just don't understand. I'm sure that if your mom was in her right mind she wouldn't want you to give up your life to take care of her. Because I am the full-time caregiver for my husband who has vascular dementia and many other health issues, I have told both of my children that I NEVER want them to have to take care of me the way I have for my husband, and to please just find the nicest place to put me in when the time comes.

Wishing you peace, rest and joy.

I quit my job of 10 years to care for my mother in law who is 79 years old who has dementia. I know exactly what you are saying. The stress is sometime unbearable. I feel like im on trial everyday defending her lies to my husband which is her son. Lots of times I have wanted to give up and sent her to nursing home. I just cannot seem to come to a final decision. So many questions yet so little answer.

It sounds as though, if you want to have a real life in these last years in which you have choice and capacity to act for yourself, that you need to see your Mom into the best and safest placement she can have.
I don't know if you live with your Mom or if your Mom lives with you. You don't say if your mother has dementia, or what sorts of assets she has moving forward for her own care. We honestly need a little more information.

So, GB, welcome!

Do you care for mom in your home, or hers?

Have you gotten a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging?

When mom goes off, can you get up and leave the room? Take a walk outside?

Uultimately, you cannot be made to care for your mother. You can leave if you are in her home. If you decide to do that, you should report to Adult Protective Services that she is a vulnerable adult in need of care.