Any suggestions would be helpful. He had a brain scan that did not show any brain damage, Alzheimer’s, or dementia., but he can’t handle remembering medications, finances, or problem solving normal life issues.
I had to look this up and found that the adrenal glands and the use of hydrocortisone effects memory. Is there any chance that his memory will improve if not taking hydrocortison?
Me, if my husband brought his brother home without talking about it with me first, his brothers care would be his responsibility. The only man I am responsible for is my husband. I would not take on reminding him to take pills or his finances. Your husband chose to bring brother to his home, then he took on the responsibility. His brother should do his own wash, strip and wash his bed clothes and help around the house. He also should pay rent depending on what he brings in. Make up a contract for that.
We’ve been married 45 years and are both Christians. My BIL is kind, and harmless and does help around the house the best he can. He’s lived by himself all his life and now is wanting “company”. I feel guilty feeling the way I do about him because of my Christian beliefs…
My husband is torn…and just trying to do the “right” thing for his brother. He knew I was not in agreement in bringing him to live with us. He keeps telling me I am a priority over his brother……but in some ways I think he knows that this is not a sustainable situation. I also feel that he is in denial that “maybe’ the best thing for his brother is AL, and that placing him there would be cruel.
I personally would not remain married to someone who cared so little for me that they moved in a family member against my wishes. I think this isn't a brother problem so much as it is a marriage problem. Your poor BIL has problems and I understand that. He needs help with placement in a safe ALF or situation where he can receive the help he needs. That isn't your home. When my partner and I got together 35 years ago we bought a two flat in which we live in the upper and rent the lower. We came to the agreement at the time we bought that as much as we love family there would not come a time when family, neither our children (we had each raised two) nor parents nor siblings would move into even the lower unit. No matter how well intentioned these things seldom work out for the best for a union. So, short of having a serious meeting with a counselor together, I am afraid I have little advice other than to leave him in his caregiving role and to move to my own place, a legal separation and a division of finances. I would rather be in a small room in someone else's home than have someone moved in with me when I did not choose it. Sorry to be so blunt. You asked for our suggestions and I certainly am NOT suggesting that you should do what I would do. I am only telling you what I would do. It is quite one thing to sit with you, hold your hand, and BEG YOU to give this a try, promising that you, hubby and bro will accept that it isn't working when reassessed every six months (and if it isn't working for ONE of you, it isn't working). It is quite another to ignore that you even exist. For me, I would be showing my hubby what my non-existence looks like, and offer to meet him in counseling first if he wishes.
Wow! So your narcissistic hubby feels it's his place to call the shots! I can relate. In hind sight, I'd tell him either to find another place for his brother or you're filing for divorce. He's going to put this all on you for caregiving, no doubt about it. Stay strong and follow through with your demands. To do otherwise, will only bring you grief and resentment. Ask me how I know! God luck and stay string. Don't let this man peach to you what's going to happen. You do some preaching as well! Good luck to you! You're probably going to need it. In the meantime, make a secret appt with an attorney to see what your options are and how to protect your share. If you don't, you'll be taken advantage by your husband in that way as well. Again, ask me how I know. Stay strong sister!
You are the wife? Why did your husband nk he could do this without even asking you? If the situation is simply intolerable let him know you will be filing for legal separation so that you can at least keep your share of the assets. You would prefer to keep him too as you're married to him, not he or you to this brother.
The only compromise I suppose would be brother's staying only until medicaid clear him or until he has to go to the hospital and gets placement from there.
Me, if my husband brought his brother home without talking about it with me first, his brothers care would be his responsibility. The only man I am responsible for is my husband. I would not take on reminding him to take pills or his finances. Your husband chose to bring brother to his home, then he took on the responsibility. His brother should do his own wash, strip and wash his bed clothes and help around the house. He also should pay rent depending on what he brings in. Make up a contract for that.
My husband is torn…and just trying to do the “right” thing for his brother. He knew I was not in agreement in bringing him to live with us. He keeps telling me I am a priority over his brother……but in some ways I think he knows that this is not a sustainable situation.
I also feel that he is in denial that “maybe’ the best thing for his brother is AL, and that placing him there would be cruel.
When my partner and I got together 35 years ago we bought a two flat in which we live in the upper and rent the lower. We came to the agreement at the time we bought that as much as we love family there would not come a time when family, neither our children (we had each raised two) nor parents nor siblings would move into even the lower unit. No matter how well intentioned these things seldom work out for the best for a union.
So, short of having a serious meeting with a counselor together, I am afraid I have little advice other than to leave him in his caregiving role and to move to my own place, a legal separation and a division of finances. I would rather be in a small room in someone else's home than have someone moved in with me when I did not choose it.
Sorry to be so blunt. You asked for our suggestions and I certainly am NOT suggesting that you should do what I would do. I am only telling you what I would do.
It is quite one thing to sit with you, hold your hand, and BEG YOU to give this a try, promising that you, hubby and bro will accept that it isn't working when reassessed every six months (and if it isn't working for ONE of you, it isn't working). It is quite another to ignore that you even exist. For me, I would be showing my hubby what my non-existence looks like, and offer to meet him in counseling first if he wishes.
So your narcissistic hubby feels it's his place to call the shots! I can relate. In hind sight, I'd tell him either to find another place for his brother or you're filing for divorce. He's going to put this all on you for caregiving, no doubt about it. Stay strong and follow through with your demands. To do otherwise, will only bring you grief and resentment. Ask me how I know! God luck and stay string. Don't let this man peach to you what's going to happen. You do some preaching as well!
Good luck to you! You're probably going to need it. In the meantime, make a secret appt with an attorney to see what your options are and how to protect your share. If you don't, you'll be taken advantage by your husband in that way as well. Again, ask me how I know. Stay strong sister!
The only compromise I suppose would be brother's staying only until medicaid clear him or until he has to go to the hospital and gets placement from there.