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If she's not hitting, try sitting down near her and listening. I spend a LOT of time trying to ignore my husband. Often, when he's worked up, just looking in his eyes, putting my hand on his shoulder and asking him to tell me what's wrong is enough to calm things down.

Your goal is not to convince her that it's not so bad. The goal is to convince her that you care.

If she starts talking about impossible things, like going to a house that no longer exists, you can get pen and paper and interview her about her worries and desires, and take notes! She will feel like you are taking her seriously.

When she is telling you what a horrible daughter you are, ignore the words completely. Try something like, "Your life isn't turning out the way you hoped, is it? It's so cold (or hot) here, and always raining. Your xxx hurts, doesn't it? Do you need a heating pad or ice pack? Bette Davis said, 'old age ain't for sissies.' I guess she was right! You're angry? I don't blame you. Here, you can't punch me, but you can punch this pillow. I wish there was a way I could make you young and healthy again."

Her life sucks. It's not your fault, but you are right there, so she is going to blame you. (And we all know that we could *theoretically* do so much more, so we feel guilty at the drop of a hat.) Ignore the blame, and have compassion for the hurting heart inside.

For the record, I snap at my husband at least 25 times a day, and swear 50 times. But I do keep trying.
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Reply to Jinx4740
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Just had a quick look at your profile, and that's a fair can of worms of health problems you're dealing with there! When you say you've just started the process, how long have you been involved in your mother's health care would you say? - I know it sort of snowballs, and it can be difficult to think when the start date was (it can also make you yelp when you realise how the years have gone by).

So, you're currently staying with your mother in her home with a view to packing it up and shipping her out to where you live, is that right? And where will you move her to, your home or a facility or what?

The thing is, how you respond to her when she's misbehaving must depend quite a lot on what she's doing, why, and whether it's her disease or the circumstances or some specific thing like a uti or pain that's making her do it.

At the moment, with what's happened recently, she may be angry because she's ill, scared, and in pain, which is quite the perfect storm. As kind of first aid for caregivers, it is always worth ruling out a u.t.i. and checking for pain; but also do more listening than talking. If she's angry about the change and disruption - from her point of view, invasion and captivity - don't argue with her and don't try to change her mind. For now, hang in there and give her a chance to adjust to being looked after. You want to try to make her feel reassured that this is not the end of the world and you're not trying to take her prisoner - you're on her side.

I hope some of this is useful - please do come back and say more about what's going on, if you'd like to.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Oh dear! So hard! Prrsonnally, I’ve never get used to it even if I know as you do, it’s the desease speaking! Try to define what’s the problem that triggers this comportment. Is it because she feels she is losing autonomy, for example? They loose the capacity to express what’s really going on. Then you’ll be able to better deal with it. You’ll find by trials and errors your own tricks. Sometimes it is as simple as change the course of her ideas, like sadly with little childrem in tantrum.

many, many big hugs to you. Hope your bruised heart heals fast. You’re in for a very nasty roller coaster, but this community of caregivers will always be there for you!

God bless you and give you strenght and courage and lot of love from every source availlable. Most of all, be kind for yourself in order to stay kind (most of the time) with her.
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Reply to Michou
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