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I read comments from so many who seem to be coping well with their role as a caregiver. I'm not. I'm exhausted. I'm going through the motions of caring for my loved ones and facing the possibility of having yet another to care for. I am not superman. I love these people and want to make them comfortable in their old age, but I cannot find respite. While I can find someone to care for one of them, they will not care for the other two. I'm not really looking for solutions, just need to know that I'm not losing my mind (or maybe I am). I feel like I'm failing the people I love. Thanks for listening.

Others are coping better because we don't have 3 people to care for.

Please consider your wellbeing before adding a 4th person.

You have given them all a wonderful gift, just don't lose you in the giving. You matter as much as any of them.

Great big warm hug and prayers for you!🤗
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dlpandjep Feb 23, 2020
So I replied to you and it showed up under artist's comment.  Seems I'm jinxed.
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My brother and I have 3 to oversee, they are all in AL, that is how we cope. We have a weekly visiting schedule and we stick to it unless there is an emergency. They are doing well in AL, actually like it, having made new friends, lots of activities and shopping & restaurant trips. Not to mention 24/7 care for them.

Works for us, we have no need to have them live with us or us live with them as neither my brother or I are clinically trained and have no desire to give up our lives for them.
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dlpandjep Feb 23, 2020
You've made wise decisions, DollyMe.  I don't have any formal training either.  But I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about caregiving.  There may come a day when I have to place one or more in AL.  Until then, one day at a time.  Thank you.
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You cannot take on another person. The stress of 3 is enough. You aren't going to like what I say but, if ur parents can afforded it put them in nice Assisted Living. If not, if Moms Dementia is such you are now cleaning her up, you may want to think Medicaid and LTC.

Your responsibility is to your husband. And he needs your attention. And believe me, the majority of us do not do well with Caregiving. We do it because there is no choice. Or, we had it dumped in our laps. And parents are too stubborn to go to an AL or allow outside care. Its a hard job caring for one and sometimes 2 but not 3. Me, I have no patience and I overwhelm easily. I had my Mom, with Dementia, and she was fairly easy. I was 65, just retired and taking care of my grandson when I had to take Mom in. No siblings near by. I was trying to sell her home to get her into an AL. It didn't sell but I took what she had and placed her. Such a lift off my shoulders. (My house was a split level not good for someone who couldn't do stairs)

PLEASE, don't take on caring for someone else. You can not physically or mentally spread yourself that thin. That person is going to need to find another answer. And your answer should be NO. I have enough with the 3 I have. I cannot possibly take on someone else. And if the person gets mad, oh well. They aren't, or their family isn't sympathetic to what ur doing. They are trying to find the easy way out. I can even imagine that you would even be asked. You really need to lighten ur load u have.

I remember someone posting that they had been caring for, lets say, their parents. For years, like one passed but she still had the other until that one passed. She was really glad that part of her life was over and she was moving on. I think her question to the group had to do with a relative saying that now she could take care of an Aunt since she was so good at caring for her parents. I think she wanted to know how to go about telling this relative that NO she was not caring for this Aunt.

I can remember thinking when I was younger how people could place a LO in a NH. Back then there were no ALs. The nursing homes did not have the activities for residents like they do now. I now know why. At a point you just can't do it all. And you will eventually need to realize this. Moms Dementia will worsen. Dementia goes hand in hand with Parkinson's. Dad will worsen. What is going to happen to these 3 people if something happens to you.
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dlpandjep Feb 23, 2020
You've made some very good points - and I know you're right.  As I mentioned above, there may come a day when I have to place one or more.  My life is a succession of poor choices - made in ignorance and a lack of guidance.  I never should've agreed to care for my parents, but it seemed best at the time.  Here's irony at it's best:  my parents have been apart for over 50 years and my Mother wouldn't be here if she had her mind.  Now they're spending their old age together.  Thank you JoAnn.
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Dlp, I'm curious what plan your husband and father have for their care if you dropped dead tomorrow?

I think you are past the point of serious burnout and are running on fumes. (I've been there).

Have your dad and husband always treated you as part of the servant class?

I know that sounds mean, cruel, awful, but I can't picture a loving husband demanding that his wife care for him AND 2 others and NOT see that she needs some help from "outsiders".

Please think about the fact that you will not be doing anyone any good when you are hospitalized.

Get in-home help and what the others think? Who cares? You're in charge.
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dlpandjep Feb 27, 2020
You are such a joy, Barb.  I always look forward to reading your comments.  I spoke with someone yesterday about basically the same things you mentioned.  I have a responsibility to plan ahead and I'm thankful for friends on this forum who care enough to "enlighten" me.  😊  Thank you!!
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DLP, I'm exhausted just thinking about the task you have undertaken.

You are doing the work of three shifts of young, trained, well-rested caregivers who go home after an 8 hour shift.

Please ask yourself what will happen to your 3 clients when (not if) you fall ill or die.

I understand leaning on God for support, but we human and have limits.

What are your mom and dads financial resources? Are they eligible for Medicaid? Hospice? Can you use their resources to pay for in-home care for them so that you can concentrate on your husband?

Can your husband afford to go to an Assisted Living facility?

Have you tried brainstorming this situation with a social worker or geriatric care manager, or with an advocate from the local Area Agency on Aging?
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dlpandjep Feb 26, 2020
Hi Barb - I've talked with Home Health, VA and local Senior Centers.  I even had a woman coming in at one point, but my husband didn't like having someone else in our home.  He will not even consider AL.  Said he plans to die in this home and that's not open for discussion.  I plan to show your post to my Dad.  Yesterday he told his nurse that, "She's tired all the time - I don't know why, she doesn't do anything." 
God give me patience!  Thank you for your concern.  😊
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"Coping" is learned through trial, error, and help from others. Learning as much as you can about each of the health issues that your mother, father, and husband face is important as a first step if you haven't already done that. That leaves out guessing what their needs actually are and adds a bit of order to their care. Mainly though I think what you are doing is actually impossible and anyone would be burnt out taking on so much responsibility. Please continue to look for more help.
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dlpandjep Feb 23, 2020
Thank you ArtistDaughter.  I have been learning and will continue to seek answers.  The VA has offered to help with my Dad - but not the others.  Hospice will help with my Mother - but not the others.  My husband hasn't been diagnosed, but his physician sees him regularly and knows his condition.  (House calls)  I guess I just needed a sympathetic ear.  So many people say they care and they "understand" but no one can understand until they've walked in our shoes.  Thanks again.
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The stress or feeling like you are loosing your mind is a sign that something needs to change. It's best to see the situation as the failing health of your mother, father, and husband and not your failure. It sounds like you have done your best so far.

Here you are getting the support and encouragement to take care of yourself now. Find respite however you can after your mother is settled. This is a time of adjustment for your father. From a balanced mind, you can move onto the next steps of finding the best care for each of them as their needs will only grow.
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dlpandjep Feb 26, 2020
Thank you Pasa.  I know you're right.  I talked with a counselor today and she gave me some advice for local support.   Bless you for taking the time to care.
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You are probably not failing the ones you love - your post shows caring and concern for them. You are in danger of failing one person you should love - yourself. You need the same basics covered that you are doing for others: adequate rest (usually 7-9 hours of sleep), adequate nutrition (3 meals with protein, produce, carbs...), adequate hydration - WATER!, medical needs attended to, time with friends, and time off from work. Please get the help you need: friends, family, volunteers from place of worship... and paid help. A healthy balance looks different for every caregiver. You'll know when you "get it right" when you feel adequate to the tasks for the day and maybe a return of joy.
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dlpandjep Feb 27, 2020
Thank you Taarna - I do get adequate rest.  I know how very important rest is and everyone in my household knows not to wake me unless it's necessary!  I look forward to putting the "kids" to bed so I can relax and unwind.  You praise, encourage and counsel/admonish like a psychologist!
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Keep one thing in mind, whether you take on another or not, it's not going to get easier. In fact the burdens will increase significantly. If you want to know if you are losing your mind, no you are not. Welcome to the world of caregiving. Now if you need solutions, I am sure many people can offer those.
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dlpandjep Feb 26, 2020
Thank you doctor.  I appreciate your encouragement and after 6 years, I am all too familiar with caregiving.  😊
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Dear caregiver. Please know you are not alone. My husband is early onset. I mostly feel i lack understanding and support. Maybe you could look to me if you need to talk.
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dlpandjep Feb 26, 2020
Thank you!  You are very kind.  💜
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