Backstory: I reported my mom to the DMV going on a year ago, with concerns over her ability to continue driving. She has moderate dementia and certainly should never again be behind the wheel of a car. She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license.
Her low mileage car has been sitting unused since. She rarely took it out prior to losing her license. She keeps "making noise" about getting her license back. Never going to happen, even if she had the ability to go through the DMV hoops to get another test. I am certainly not facilitating that.
Recently my cousin did not hit a deer. The deer hit her car. The car is currently in for repairs. Rather than have her rent a car, I gave her full access to use my mom's car. I asked my mom "permission," which she gave.
Endgame is the car is never going back into the garage. When my cousin is finished with it, I have asked her to take it to her local Toyota dealer for a "once over." I'm currently on the opposite coast and will deal with it when I return. My plan is to tell my mother that the car has been totaled. I am going to use the "hit a deer" story, so as not to implicate my cousin in any blame game. I have spoken to my cousin about this, and she is fine with it. I will tell my mom she will get a nice check from insurance, when in reality she will get a nice check once I sell the car! I have the title and POA so I can do so legally.
I know I am doing the right thing for my mom, both for her safety and her finances. She has private caregivers in her home. Her money is paying for them, and I want to beef up her resources. I know she will have the fit of all fits. She thinks nothing is wrong with her, and I know that she will start on "have to get a new car."
Please chime on your thoughts that I am doing the right thing, despite having to lie about it. I'm 58, mom is 84, and I still feel like a bad little girl lying to her mommy.
So sell mom's car and tell her whatever story you need to tell her to keep her calm in the moment. If she has a fit, so be it. Tell her you'll buy her another car if and when the doctor says she has a clean bill of health and when the DMV gives her her license back. Repeat as necessary. You're not a bad little girl lying to your mommy. Mom is a sick old woman with a disease that's lying to HER, telling her she's fine and perfectly capable of driving a motor vehicle, and that's the lie!
Good luck!
You are doing the moral thing.
You are doing the adult thing.
You are doing the humane and compassionate thing.
You are not “lying”. You are entering your mother’s damaged sense of “truth”.
She may have the anticipated fit or may not. Her “fit” is not germane to your decision.
Take care of yourself, too.
I think what your doing is fine. We need to tell little fibs when dealing with someone with a Dementia. The car needs to be out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Mom will eventually forget she had a car.
The lie is a bit elaborate imo. Instead of a simple, can cousin keep the car at her house to use, as her's is no longer working well? Now that you have conspired the lie with cousin.
My family was super dysfunctional, so if I ever were to do a white lie, I would not include anyone else in the lie. All too often, they will throw you under the bus to side with Mom.
When it comes up, tell Mom that you sold her car because: TRUTH:
"She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license."
In any case, keeping her from driving is doing the right thing, anyway you can get it done.
You can soften the change in status by offering to drive her on a regular schedule. It is a difficult time for the elderly, these changes.
And let her get mad - you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. You're doing the right thing. Just don't lie to her.