Complicated situation. This is regarding my mother in law but will just reference her as mom. In 2018 before my FIL passed he would call and complain about the level of care mom needed and how he was going to put her in a facility. My husband did not want that and FIL passed away shortly after. She has two homes on one property so we moved in to care for her as she was completely unable to do so. She has a laundry list of medical issues including multiple back fractures from falls. She also has mental health issues depression (undertreated) and bi polar which she refuses to acknowledge. I have durable power of attorney (not springing) and a letter from a doctor that states she has dementia. She has baker acted multiple times in the almost 8 years we have been caring for her. She has threatened harm to myself and others. She has called DCF on us multiple times and reported us for abuse and neglect and extortion. These were all unfounded accusations and DCF has basically said we are responsible for her care but can’t force her into a home and they can assist with placement but they have to deem her incompetence (which they won’t because she is capable of taking in information and making a decision, regardless of how irrational it is) We have tried talking to her about going into a facility but she refuses and swears she can take care of herself. She is very intelligent and ‘capable’ of making her own decisions but she has memory problems and doesn’t take care of herself. We have to provide all her meals, bribe her to shower and do her dishes, manage meds, provide transportation, schedule dr appointments and coordinate care. She was physically capable of doing so but doesn’t. She fell backwards out of her walker, checked herself out AMA, we convinced her to go back, they found a brain bleed and new back fractures. She was discharged after a few days with home health etc. two days after discharge she decided to roller derby down the hill of our driveway and dumper herself from her wheelchair and fractured her pelvis in two places. They discharged her to a skilled nursing facility where she currently is. We would like to do what we can to ensure she stays there. We were already in the process of filing to have her deemed incapacitated through the court. I have a log of the past 60 days of her activities showing her incompetence. We have tried avoiding that for all these years but we aren’t sure what other option we have at this point. Thanks for any help or advice.
She's already in a nursing home. So refuse to take her back. Tell them that she has no one to care for her at home because you and your family are moving. Let them know that she is an 'Unsafe Discharge' (use this term too) and that you cannot and will not provide care or supervision to her. Bring them the doctor's report saying she has dementia too. She's in residential care, so your legal responsibility of making sure she has adequate care is finished.
When mental illness is on the menu as it is here there is almost ZERO help to be had from any agency including legal laws. The person will be taken in, put on lithium (she's bipolar), deemed competent and stable and released.
Have a family history with bipolar. Also a dear male family friend with wife with late-onset bipolar (thought dementia, but diagnosed otherwise).
There is little anyone can do to help or intervene. There is no legal help. The law won't intervene in mental situations unless person is threat to self or family--and then only briefly.
Our OP is living there. The OP needs to get means to leave; says they are currently working on that. And needs to understand that like the author Liz Scheier who wrote Never Simple about her mentally ill mom, there is NOTHING here that they can do that will be a good and permanent intervention. Absolutely nothing. This nightmare is now playing out before my own eyes, and the couple I mention has a social worker in the family. So you can see. Up the creek. Without a paddle.
"We have to bribe her," "we have to provide all meals," "is capable of doing so but doesn't." This shows me that she hasn't been able to be independent at all. People who can, do. She can't, so she doesn't, but you've all propped her up so well and so long that you can excuse her by saying "she could if she wanted to." Why do you put your mind through that particular convolution? I'm not trying to blame, rather I'm drawing attention to an issue that might be holding you back in your thought process. That happens to a lot of us!
This lady is clearly has mental illness and probably a pretty advanced case of cognitive decline. Meds should help with behavior. Doctor's letter and your documentation should help with declaring her incompetent, if that's what you want to do. A pelvic injury, brain bleeds and fractures should keep her in the skilled nursing facility. With her cognitive issues, it's unlikely she could benefit from rehab because she won't be able to remember why she's there or steps of the therapy she's supposed to do. You could call in hospice for an evaluation and see where that goes. She could have hospice come in to her SNF, and they'd be an additional set of eyes on her plus, perhaps, counseling for all of you.
I wish you luck in your quest for answers, and I hope the best for mom.
Unfortunately it's a bit late to recommend to you Liz Scheier's great memoir about her decades long attempts (with the city and state of New York's social services) to act for and take care of and protect her mother. It is titled Never Simple. Please get it and read it.
You will not be comforted by this book because it will let you know that not everything can be fixed.
You are in a situation, with mental health issues, that unless your loved one is diagnosed as incapacitated due to dementia, you cannot act for her. That is to say you cannot place her. Mental illness, no matter HOW BAD it is, will not allow you to attempt help unless you ARE the guardian.
You have already moved to this woman's property. THAT is the only good news. You have an option to let social services and APS know that you will be moving out and resigning your POA, and that you are "physically, emotionally and mentally" unable to function to care for and protect your MIL, that indeed you are "frightened of" your MIL.
You have yourself here in a real pickle. You have taken on the care of someone who cannot be cared for and who is dangerous to you. You could accomplish much if this were only dementia, but it isn't, and bipolar is very different to dementia. I have a family friend dealing with just this exact situation with his wife. She is diagnosed with late onset bipolar, but is acting like dementia, with episodes of mania and depression. And medicating her has been impossible.
This is something legally to unwind, because in all truth you have not the training nor stamima to deal with this lifelong. You would be throwing your own lives on a burning funeral pyre. In fact you have ALREADY done that, sadly, and you need an attorney to find out how to legally resign and move.
Again, please read Never Simple by Liz Scheier. You will see yourself coming and going. She was never in many decades able to do anything to help or protect her mother, and she gave up much of her life to this until her mother's death of old age.
Have your PoA paperwork on you whenever you are managing her affairs. Make sure her facility, doctors, bankers, etc. all have copies.
You have DPoA AND she has a diagnosis of dementia, so outside of getting guardianship for her -- why does it take the work of the court to prove she needs her PoA to make decisions for her? This makes no sense. Have you talked to a certified elder law attorney? I would do this before showing up in court.
In spite of you writing that she has dementia, mental illness and displays all sorts of irresponsible behavior, you keep saying she is capable of this and that. SHE IS NOT - based up your own evidence that you recounted. Intelligence has nothing to do with anything when it comes to dementia. Just because she's wily and you seem to maybe not know what you're doing, doesn't mean she isn't a danger to herself. You don't "convince" her to do anything. You make the decision and then figure out a plan to trick her into doing it. Use therapeutic fibs, if necessary. Have the SNF in on the fib. They'll do it. You're not the first one.
If she isn't on meds for anxiety and agitation, why not? Medicating her may be the only way to get her to cooperate with her own best care and ensure she isn't kicked out of the facility.
Your last strategy would be to resign the PoA, and continuously report her to APS until the court assigns a legal guardian and then you're done orbiting around her forever.