Hello,
I first wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post. While I know that ultimately to stay in my current position or leave is solely up to me, I struggle with the guilt/sadness/loss of leaving.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. I was 25 when I met and am now 28. He was 27 and now 30. When I met him, his grandmother was still in need of help/care but was mostly independent. During the course of the first year we were dating she was in and out of the hospital a few times where she would then go to rehab for COPD flare ups.
During the first year of relationship, we were her primary care takers. Helping her with cleaning, food shopping, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, e.t.c. All of this was hard, but manageable. She then fell and broke her rib, shoulder and hip where she was in the hospital/rehab for essentially 10 months. She was only home for a couple of weeks at a time and then go back. After this happened she hired around the clock care upon returning home for good but has quickly depleted her assets. She still has care come in while my boyfriend is at work during the day and then a few nights during the week.
The concern is that we are almost at the point where we are unable to leave the house to do much of anything. She is almost completely bed bound. She is able to get herself on the commode and sometimes to the table to eat dinner. Other than that, she lays in bed all day and night. I run all the errands for them while he stays home. If he tries to come with me, there is guilt associated and he stays home. If I try to leave their home because I do not want to be stuck in the house, I am guilted that I am leaving. If I do not come over that night, I get text messages/phone calls asking why I am not coming over.
We are unable to start our life and our future together because of this. There is no one in his family that can help either as she has an estranged relationship with most of them. She also refuses to go to an assisted living and wants to stay home, which is her respected choice.
My concern is that I am sacrificing my entire life to be in this relationship and while I do love him very much, the price to pay to stay in this relationship is very high. She will vocalize that she is concerned that I am going to leave him because of this and I know that it is getting so bad and to the point that he is worried as well. We are both at the age where all of our friends are getting engaged/ married/ buying houses and starting their own family. We are the only ones who do not have this.
Another concern is that we are not engaged or married and the responsibility that I have taken on does not match the level of severity of our relationship. At the end of the day, I am his girlfriend who stays still lives at home with her parents, but also a care taker to his grandmother while sacrificing my entire life for her and him.
My question is, what would you do? Would you stick this out seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or would you choose you and leave? I am the point where I do not want to do this anymore.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and to respond to this. I hope you have a great week!
Family meeting air your concerns go from there. I Good Luck
Thank you responding! She is aware of her options but thinks that it is the same as at home care and refuses to leave. She then gets mad when she knows that him and I cannot provide the level of care that she needs when her aids are not there.
I do agree that it is to open ended. I am hoping that we are able to sort this out as this is a major source of anxiety for myself and for him.
I also struggle with knowing what is my place and responsibility and what is not. On Saturday's, she only has care at night. My boyfriend does overtime on some Saturdays and she is stuck at home all day alone. Is it my responsibility to stay with her while he is at work?
In my opinion, you are wasting your youth. He's not capable of giving you the relationship that *you* seek. Do the kind and mature thing and breakup with him. Focus on pursuing the life *you* want. Few things are more attractive than a confident, independent woman.
Thank you for your guidance. My best friend has said similar things about finding his independence.
I have been teetering on the fence of leaving for a long time and I am finally at the point where I cannot give/do this anymore. I also do not want to come between him and what he feels is the best care for his family. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
She has an estranged relationship with her family aside from her grandson and a few others who are living their own life. She does not talk to her one kid (mom of grandson).
When we are at work she is alone for a few hours or with a hired aid. She is in her late 70's. He is her sole care taker and in return since I am dating him have also taken on the responsibility of helping him.
Her doctor suggested she go to an assisted living and she refuses. She wants to stay home and respectfully so. My concern is continuing to stay in this relationship and sacrifice my life or leave.
Thank you again for your guidance!
This is a perfect response! Thank you for clarifying :)
Every time I talk to him, it leads to no action on his behalf. He just agrees that it is to much but takes no action to change the situation. Every now and then she will make comments on leaving the house to go get the care she needs and then throws it in his face that he wants to move out and start his life. I think she is NPD.
He is getting the best of both worlds, he can be grandmas golden boy and have a free of charge, responsibility free caregiver with benefits. Why would he change anything? He hasn't committed himself to the relationship in the least, you are not engaged, he has no home but grannies and he has taken over her care 100% with a promise to never put her in a home.
Run, don't walk, run away from this person that is using you and then manipulating you to do his bidding, those are reasons to get away and never look back. This is behavior that will be the norm the rest of his life, you will live in hell if you get tangled up with this fella. Anyone that uses guilt to get their own way has a personality disorder and they are usually very self centered and selfish, I think you are seeing this and laying the blame on grandma, there is a reason he is all she has.
When anyone, besides a newborn baby, needs 24/7/365 care it is time for a village. One or 2 people can not provide the level of care a bed bound senior requires, it will kill the caregivers and it is selfish and self-centered to expect anyone to provide that at the expense of their own life. She lived her life and is now stealing his and yours so she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. He is learning from her, think about it.
He has told you and shown you where you stand, believe him and go have a life and leave him to his choices. Oh, if he pops the question, this is another manipulation to keep you around as a free caregiver, he doesn't get to ask at this stage and be taken seriously, too late.
Best wishes for a clean break and a happy future.
Thank you for the laugh! You sound like my mom :)
My granddaughter just went through a bad relationship. He left her high and dry with a baby as soon as things didn't go his way. Please, don't fall into the same trap she did. Leave, don't look back. Don't take him back either. My mother was full of sayings . One of them was, "What broke you up the first time will break you up the second time". Another one was, "Men are like buses, there will be another one along in a few minutes" (you can say women too if you are a man).
In Short, a few years ago I was praying on a camping trip we took her on, telling Jesus "I can't do this, this is not what I signed up for" and as I was crying and yelling inside I heard a voice come to me telling me" Not to much longer, Phyllis, not too much longer." That gave me hope as I too Love my husband as you love your boyfriend. It has been longer that I thought but I keep turning my hope to God to get me through and I am seeing her declining rapidly now and that breaks my heart as we have been learning how to get along.
On the Camping trip I was at the point you seem to be at. Do I Stay or do I go. I Decided to stay because I was told by my mother that my relationship would be so much better with my husband if I stayed as hers was after my dads parents passed. I am not saying it is easy but God is my strength.
I wish you the best.
If it was me I would leave, but that is just me.
Just my 2 cents!
An elder can remain independent, in their own home as long as they like IF they have the financial wherewithal to hire the help needed to make that possible. Not if they have to impose upon others in a way that impedes the young lives yet to be lived.
Your boyfriend's GMA is quite young. She has mobility problems, but is physically healthy it seems.
Are you willing to do this for another 30 years?
You are being manipulated by 2 narcissists, I think.
Maybe take a step back and be " unavailable" for 2 or 3 weeks.
See what happens. Listen to your mom and your best friend.
Don't issue any ultimatums. Just step back. And let us know what happens.
Loving someone means wanting the best FOR THEM. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be in that frame of mind.
When Gma was in for 10 months, that was the time to switch her to LTC.
Its not fair that grandchildren have to care for grandparents when there are children. Who has POA. The POA has to take over at this time. Gma needs more care than you can give her. BF needs to contact family and tell them he can't do it anymore and its not fair to you who is not even a relative.
I would out line what you will and will not do.
For example you can help out 1 or 2 days a week. (and a DAY is not 24 hours in this case)
You need a day for yourself.
You need a "date night", possibly 2 if you want this relationship to continue.
The days and nights you are not there he needs to either do the things that you have been doing or he needs to have someone come in.
You need or at least you should have a job, full time or part time. At least this will give you are reason that you can not be at their "beck and call". At your age you need to be looking for a job that may secure your future. (If you enjoy the caregiving look into taking a Certificate Course at your local Community College to become a CNA you can work privately, for an agency or for a facility and you would be hired in a heartbeat!)
And if Grandma is bed bound because she chooses not to get up and be mobile there should be a discussion as to possible depression and medication for that but the situation will NOT get better and will get worse. Soon she will not be able to get up to go to the bathroom, do basic hygiene....What will happen when you get hurt trying to transfer her? Who will care for you? Who will pay your medical bills for an injury that may cause life long problems?
Stay with him is one thing
Staying on as an unpaid caregiver is another.
Most of the posters are "elders" to u. We have all been there. At 24 I made the choice to marry a guy I had been dating for awhile. We had broken up a couple of times. Red flag there. But, all my friends were married, having kids and we had been dating...so marriage was next. Big mistake. I knew in my gut I should not go ahead with it but did. The only good thing I got out of it was my daughter. I remarried a guy who shows he loves me all the time. Not by saying it but putting me first. Actually, putting up with me.
I suggest you make a list. Pros and Cons. Pros, what are you getting out of this relationship, Cons, what you put into it. You two are doing a job that MOST of us aren't doing till their 50s to 70s. We have established marriages, grown children and some retired. It puts a strain on these marriages, caring for someone.
At your age you deserve so much more than this man is willing or can give. You should be going places and doing things together. You should be enjoying your youth with someone who loves you. I had a woman tell me one time to pick a man who loves you more than you love him. (Its rarely 50/50) A man who goes out of his way for you. Seeks you out. Its a great feeling when u find someone like that.
I suggest you call your Office of Aging. Run the circumstances by them. Maybe someone can go in and evaluate the situation. Give grandma options. Either she allows homecare or she goes into a LTC facility. Make them understand that you need to get out of this situation and boyfriend needs to work. Give all childrens information to them because ultimately her children need to make decisions. They don't need to do hands on care but they do need to make it clear they will not be responsible for her. Then the state can step in and Gma no longer will be able to make her decisions, a state guardian will. If boyfriend will not go this root, then tell him sorry, I can no longer put energy into a relationship going nowhere.
There are levels of commitment in almost every endeavor.
Go to a good chiropractor, and you may be asked to fill out forms indicating your level of commitment. For example, do you want emergency treatment; relief from your current pain; and other choices; to a commitment to lifestyle changes; to chiropractic care leading to wellness.
A vet may ask you for your level of commitment to your dog. Do you want the broken bone treated; is your regular vet out of town; are you wanting the best care for your dog; is your dog considered part of the family, etc.
Ask yourself, "what is my level of commitment to my boyfriend". If you are looking to marry this very worthy fellow? Would living on your own, away from parents help you to know your options prior to becoming engaged? Is he self-supporting?
Are you just a visitor in his home? Are you being used? What are you getting out of the relationship? Ideally, what would this look like if you have what you want?
The past has just caught up to me, memories of being a newly married couple living in his grandmother's home, his mother feeling free to drop by, enter our bedroom, and tell us what to do. Then managing to escape to our own rented apartment. The problem was not where we lived, but his dependency on his parents. The relationship did not last a year. I had my own problems and left after going to therapy.
You deserve some happiness instead of the heavy problems that come with this relationship. At the end of a century, you may not be the happiest
cracker jack in the box, whether or not his grandmother is still alive.
Reading books on boundaries may help.
If they won't have a meeting of the minds wit you, you have your answer, LEAVE.
His mom may say she is afraid you will leave him - well the way to ensure that is to continue to refuse assisted living. Thing is, staying in her home as her respected choice does not imply that anyone is obligated to enable that. Fine if she has the funds to make it happen, but she really does not have the right to insist on that if others will be coerced into making it possible. But it sounds like she is assuming she does have the right.
Now.
What are you going to do to stay gone?
Are you in school? Have a job?
Getting a paying second job for the weekends might help to keep you distracted.
If you aren’t busy you will be tempted.
I wasted my 20's on a guy who seemed nice at first but turned out to be abusive and manipulative--a narcissist. His first allegiance was to his younger sister, who constantly injected herself into our lives and of whom he was afraid. I wish I'd dated him a few months and then moved on. Instead we lived the life he wanted and I passed up ten years of opportunities that are gone forever.
You say "I do not want to do this anymore." You should trust your instincts.
This kind of strain ages a person quickly. Cut back and recover before losing your own health and sanity, or develop permanent stress conditions. That isn't an ultimatum, it is self care. Not your job to find BF his alternatives. Time for him to step up and decide. By the way, isn't bed-bound too much for assisted living to take on? And if money is depleted, Medicaid can help with NH, but not AL.
Grandma can no longer call the shots. When I burnt out and placed my aunt in a NH, I told her I just couldn't give her the care she needed. I still loved her, and would visit, keep an eye on her and the place. She was staying, no matter how she reacted.
When I went into this relationship, I was very sympathetic and understanding of the situation because I was very near and dear to my grandmother who also passed from COPD 4 years ago. I helped care for her but NEVER hands on. Mostly food shopping, cleaning and laundry. I also had support from my aunt, her son and wife, my mom and sister. We all took turns. My aunt was retired so she was her main care giver but my grandmother was living independently up until the month before she went in the hospital and passed.
I never saw myself in this care taking role at such a young age. I have never had persistent anxiety like I do now. Some days are worse then others. One bad days, it consumes my thoughts and drains me of my energy (I am sure all of you can relate) then the resentment comes where you feel like you're going to lash out if someone looks at you the wrong way.
While I do love my boyfriend and want to help because there is no one else to help but the aides she has, it is now at the point where we can no longer go out as a couple on the weekends or live our life and I am at the point where I cannot do this anymore. I am at my breaking point. The real breaking point, lol, not the fake one but the one where you literally cannot do this anymore.
Thank you again to everyone for the kind words, support and encouragement. It is so nice to have a safe haven like this website to go to and to be able to vent and get the advice you need. Hugs to everyone and Happy Easter!
A young man, taking care of his grandmother at home? He is incredibly courageous and loyal. Most people would not have enough love in their heart to take this responsibility on.
I’m sure your boyfriend is extremely grateful for your support. You are his angel. He may be too exhausted to fully express.
Adversity will either break the two of you apart or make you closer. The decision is completely up to you.
Don’t compare yourself to your friends. Your relationship is independent of theirs. Some of those getting married will be divorcing before you know it.
You are trying to guilt this young lady for not wanting to be in the position she is in, not helpful or caring.
When a guy, or gal for that matter, only takes, it is a one way street and will end up in hell for the giving member, he hasn't committed to her in 2.5 years but asks a full sacrifice from her. Sounds like marriage material to you does it?