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I'm 51M and live with my 66F friend in a studio apartment, we met 10 years ago when we were both homeless and got along so well we got a 2 bedroom apartment and lived there for 6 years until rent kept rising and we had to downgrade. She gets social security due to her age and I get it for disability. Due to substance abuse in her past and the hard life she lived then, she is not aging well, it seems like she has aged 5 years in the last 1. She started wearing adult diapers about 6 months ago and now her blankets are soaked almost every morning. We used to walk to the bus stop about a half-mile 6 months ago and now 300 feet is about the furthest she will go outside. She is becoming more forgetful and told me today she wants me to handle feeding/watering her 2 cats. Her one living relative is a daughter of around 30 who lives 50 miles away. She cares about her mother but she is not going to upend her life to take care of her when the time comes. At least she visits every 2 or 3 months but its always with a new boyfriend she's living with and I know there's drugs going on, it seems like her life hasn't changed much since the county took her own 3 year old daughter away 2 years ago.


Even though my biggest concern right now is getting her some better diapers I fear it may not be long before there are bigger issues and I may not be able to take care of her and at what point do I call someone and who. Will she end up in some terrible nursing home? Here in Cali they have that "in home care" program or maybe its a federal program but I don't know if she will want a stranger taking care of her here or how to set it all up so any advice would be helpful. For now some advice on better diapers would be great, store bought ones are no longer working and I suspect its because she is keeping the same one on too long because she does not want to get up as often as needed.


Thx for any advice


Sean G

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The answer to the adult brief situation is more frequent changes. Other than store bought briefs, what else is there, really? You can buy inserts to 'boost' the amount of liquid the brief will hold, but there's no substitute for regular changing with a fresh brief. You can buy disposable Medline Extrasorbs chucks for the bed, but they are very expensive. The booster pads aren't cheap either, nor are adult briefs in general. Why, at 66 years old, is your roommate in need of adult briefs to begin with?

Booster Pads: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=booster+pads+for+adult+diapers&crid=WABIKDR1WWJG&sprefix=booster+pads+for+%2Caps%2C249&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-da-p_3_17

For you to become a full time caregiver to your friend while living in a studio apartment sounds unmanageable, really. And whether she 'wants' help is irrelevant............what she needs will override her wants at some point, you know?
As much as you want to help her, I think you may need to reevaluate things as she progresses downhill.

Wishing you the very best of luck with what sounds like a very difficult situation
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Hi Sean, you are a great friend. I agree with Mystery that your friend needs a medical evaluation. Maybe she can get feeling better if an underlying condition is found and treated. Maybe depression? In the sort term, maybe a pad inside the depends that could be removed easily during the night? Also disposable bed pads might help to save some laundering of the bedding. Good luck with finding the care and resources your friend will need going forward.
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The IHSS program is a state program that is administered at the county level. The Kern county dept of social services is who your roommmate needs to contact in order to apply for the program. She has to be medi-cal eligible & meet both medical and financial requirements. It’s going to be important for you to remember that her needs come before her wants. She may not want a stranger taking care of her but if she cannot take care of herself then she’s going to need someone else to do it. If she’s not going to be accepting of outside help & try to get approves for IHSS then the alternative is contact APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. You can’t take her of her on your own and if you think she’s aging fast, just wait until you are knee deep in the world of caregiving. You will age faster than she is and she will probably outlive you.
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Bless you, Sean, for being such a good friend. I hope you can find some additional resources. Maybe one place to start would be your county’s Area Agency on Aging?

This situation definitely sounds like it is rapidly becoming too much for one person, even a very caring friend, to cope with.
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Has she been evaluated by a doctor recently?  A thorough exam - head to toe including lab work and a reconciliation of whatever medications she takes to evaluate for side effects or interactions?

I agree the diaper situation needs to be looked at to see if there is a better product for her.  However, if she lacks energy to get up and change them when wet, they I think the low energy levels and lack of stamina need to be looked at as well.
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