I need advice for the day I place my father into an ALF. - AgingCare.com

I need advice for the day I place my father into an ALF.


My father has Alzheimer's and it's become non-manageable for our family. My mother is his caregiver and I am an only child and help support the situation. I have reserved a room at a local ALF and it appears that Tuesday will be the move-in day. My mom has never seen the ALF, states she will in no way be helping me, and that she wishes to never again see him once he is gone. Keep in mind that she is 100% behind moving him out of the house (she wants him gone, gone). I am doing this on my own. He will resist when we enter the parking lot. OMG how am I supposed to do this?????????? Any advice from anyone who has done this is much appreciated. It has to be done, we are at the breaking point, and this is a very nice facility where he will have a private room.

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97yroldmom, well, the severe confusion has been in and out for 2 years. I mean, not knowing who my mom is, wandering, etc. It's been escalating for 6 months which included a 3-week stay in a skilled nursing facility. He hasn't been the same since he came home from that stay, and basically since the month of March started he has been ordering my mother to get out of his house, stop driving his car, threatens to call the police or a lawyer to have her removed from the house. This week he told me he has only been living in this house for 3-4 months (it's been 13 years). Today he walked in and asked my mom, "who are you?". The Alzheimer's/dementia diagnosis has been put forth by his various doctors for about 4-5 years. So the progress has been slow but so far 2017 has been a steady/rapid decline into new territory. Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.
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Has your dad been checked for a UTI recently?
"This has all come about very quickly as his condition has deteriorated so rapidly in just a few weeks"
Does your dad know you? I assume there is staff to assist you at the AL?
In your position as sole care taker of both parents I think I would negotiate with your mom that she go to therapy and for a complete physical. I would be looking for her to have more of a reaction than just relief. I wish you had help. I agree not your mom. Take extreme care driving. Eat something sustaining for breakfast and take a walk each morning to beat your anxiety back and be as relaxed as possible. Just a short 10 min will help. 30 would be better. Please come back and let us know how you are all doing.
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I've never dealt with Alzheimer's but I delivered my inlaws to their independent living building all by myself. My MIL had a bout of fecal incontinence steps from the entrance. My FIL was a nervous wreck and got in the way a lot that day. I haven't thought about that day in a very long time but I think you will be grateful that your mother won't be there. Sometimes doing very difficult things by ourselves ends up being best.

Steel yourself and start making preparations today. Call his doctor and pharmacist and ask if you can start giving him something to calm him in anticipation of Tuesday. Determine what time of day is best for him to take a drive and make the drive then. Get his room ready Monday night with things he recognizes. Stay in communication with the ALF and let them know on Tuesday morning what time you are departing and what time you expect to arrive.

Take care of yourself. Try to make sure that you sleep, eat well, and avoid alcohol. Go for 30-minute walks and get some alone time. This will be a big adjustment for all of you.

Remember that you are doing what is best for your mother and father and it often hurts. You have my sympathy.
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Dad is mid-stage Alzheimer's. He doesn't know who my mother is and every day wants to kick her out of their house (threatens to call the police, a lawyer, etc.). He is on a boat load of meds including anti-anxiety medication. There will not be any touring of the facility for my father, this will have to be a stealth operation. We tried to broach the subject yesterday and he said no way, no how is he going anywhere, "until" he gets Alzheimer's (he's been in pretty bad shape for about 2 years now). This will have to basically be an ambush of pulling up to the facility and shoving him in the door. He is physically very strong but not a very large man. I anticipate a real horror show. On top of it all I am working full time all weekend and Monday to meet work deadlines so I can take Tuesday off for the big move-in. This has all come about very quickly as his condition has deteriorated so rapidly in just a few weeks and my mother was on the fence about the move to an ALF until mid-week last week.
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Your poor Mom! She sounds so fried!

Is dad on any meds for agitation? What are his impairments?

Can you arrange to drive by the ALS today, stop in for a visit Sunday, take a tour and have lunch on Monday, before the move in on Tuesday?

Do you have a friend helping You? Someone who can take dad to breakfast on Tuesday while you move in pictures, a familiar quilt and some knick knacks to make it feel like home?

Is mom's health, both mental and physical being looked after?
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