Need advice before I lose my mind!

Take the hardest step, for your own good. Stop thinking of them as being capable of being part of a mutually nurturing and contributing relationship with you, and allow yourself to become their loving and supportive caregiver, with no expectations of anything coming back from them.

When you can do that, you can also become YOUR best friend and advocate without expecting anything from Queen Sister and her consort.

Whether or not they’re actually too disabled to consider your feelings or not, they will eventually be, and allowing yourself to practice SELF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT will hopefully soon become second nature to you.

YOU are doing what needs to be done, and that is a sincere and generous gesture. Now do the same, in ways personal to you, for yourself.
You deserve to be proud of your work, and treat yourself accordingly.

Sorry I had to laugh as I recalled having to buy my own presents for dad to “give” me - sometimes he’d open it thinking it was his - just after I’d reminded him he had a gift with my name in his hands - other times I had to ask and more than once I went off to sort something out to find he’d given the gift to someone else!

With their ailments they aren’t likely to remember the niceties of saying or writing thanks - and yeah I get the President part - been there too. Sister wasn’t working - I was.

Can only suggest you have a schedule and stick to it - bar any emergencies. Literally work time / your time (out) and their time. Pin visit times up so they know when to expect you.

You’ve done the worse bit getting them and their possessions there. Now start as you feel able to continue - with set times and duration of visits.

Congrats on continuing to be the top top sales person despite all the stress!

Thanks everyone, I was having a rough time thinking I'm being selfish for wanting time for me again now that they are both in a safe place and together. It's good to hear that I'm not! 🙂

When my son goes to visit my mother in Memory Care once in a blue moon, it's like you said........it's as if The President came to visit. Never mind what I do for her, and what my daughter, the second class citizen does for her, it's the Golden Child that gets all the kudos. For doing precisely NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zero & Zilch. It's always that way, it seems to me. The ones who do the most get crapped on while the good-for-nothings get carried around on chairs. Yay!

Rant over.

Mom & Dad, please make a list of everything you need and I will be over ONCE A WEEK at thus-and-such-a-time on thus-and-such-a-day to deliver the items.

My mother has gotten to the point where she just 'can't be bothered' to make a list of what she needs. She doesn't get around to it. Then it's a crisis! OMG I am in DESPERATE NEED of face cream!!!! I'm in DESPERATE NEED of body lotion!!

If only they made face cream & body lotion in VATS I'd be all set. Sigh.

Anyway, that's the way to deal with crisis du jour your parents will invent. At YOUR convenience. Otherwise, plan to camp out in the hallway or on a cot in their room where you can be available 24/7, the way they'd like it!

Best of luck! :)

First, happy birthday, albeit a few days late...I send you many kudos for your unrequited caregiving of your parents. I will offer advice, but first:

I was a caregiver of my good wife for 12 years, the last ten of which she was in a SNF....She was not demanding, yet I had to learn to stand my ground in a pleasant way when I felt her requests were occasionally unreasonable, and, on rare occasions, somewhat impatient.

First, I reckoned that her condition made it "natural" for her to behave as she did.
(paralyzed on one side, brain damage from stroke, unable to speak much, etc.)
So I vowed to not be impatient myself..She could not help it.

Second, I realized that I went to sit with her at breakfast and again at lunch every day...Being retired, I had no problem doing this...I hired ladies to sit with her her at the dinner hour daily. Enough is enough.

I could go on.

Your situation is different than mine, yet I believe the following steps should help.

Do not answer phone calls. Let the answering machine be your secretary. If mom or dad fusses about it next time you visit, tell them you will do better from now on..They will likely forget what you say. (Perhaps you could give the facility an alternate phone number to call if there is a true emergency.)

Limit your visits to what suits your needs. Reduce the frequency of your visits to your "peace-of-mind point." Again, when mom/dad fusses about wanting to see you more often, apologize and say you will do better, yet keep visiting on a frequency that suits you.

Finally, determine that you WILL NOT please mom/dad no matter what you do. Thus, you will not feel as though you must jump through hoops trying to please everyone....It is an impossibility so just rise above it and take satisfaction in all the things you are doing and have done.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

You have done the hard part. Having them agree to go to an AL. Mom needs to realize she can't bring everything she wants because there just isn't room. I would take nothing valuable. Your Dad has ALZ. He no longer has the ability to show empathy and never will. Trying to reason with him is a lost cause.

Mom, you didn't mention why she was in NH? But you should set boundries now. They are safe and have people to care for them. Let those people do their job. Ur parents are paying for it. I never toileted Mom once she was in the AL. I told the aide when she needed changing. Mom was paying 5k a month and half of that was her care. They need to rely on the staff. If there is an emergency, the staff will notify you. Don't allow calls from Mom when ur working. Tell her personal calls are not allowed. If you are close enough to run an errand after work, you can call her to see if there is something they need. If not, as suggested, give Mom a white board to write down what she needs. If not an emergency, tell her u will pick them up ur next visit.

At my Moms AL they handled ALL medication this included OTC drugs. The Nurse had to have a doctor's order to give Tylenol. Mom had laundry and cleaning services. Take advantage of what they offer.

Encourage them to be as social as possible. Sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her u can't be their everything. That she needs to rely on the staff to help. That you work a fulltime stressful job. There will be times you just need to come home and veg out. You also have other responsibilities. So, you can't be there all the time. Maybe u can set up a time at night to call them. Maybe u can only see them a couple of times a week. Yes, they are important to you but Mom needs to understand you have a working life. Tell her to call your sister if she feels the need to talk to someone. If sister complains, explain to her what u explain to Mom. I must work. Because of that, I only have so many hours in the day. I cannot be at Moms beck and call. And when sister visits, you stay home. Use that time for yourself.

Wow! You have gotten a lot done, and I know how difficult it is to move One parent into assisted living, but you took care of both of their needs!! Bravo!!
It broke my heart about three years ago when my Mom no longer went nutty about my birthday. She just had deteriorated that much with the Disease; it wasn’t anything that could be fixed or corrected. In that same year, she also lost the ability to read or write. She was an English University Professor, and then by the end that year, she was in adult diapers and completely dependent on caregivers for everything.
I visited about once a week until the end, when I spent the last few weeks of her life at her bedside.
Please pace yourself with the visits, is what I’m trying to say. They will worsen over time, and there will be urgent calls from the facility over the next few years until they pass away. They are being well taken care of, so please permit yourself a break for a while! Best wishes to you, and Happy New Year!!

I can relate. I do a lot, but my dad wants more. That happens when elderly are depressed. They dwell on it.
The move is a good step. May your parents adjust well.
Take time for yourself to recharge. And set some boundaries.
Pick a day or two to bring her things. Limit visits so you have time for yourself

All the best

Your mother's been living in a skilled nursing facility for those eighteen months, is that correct? And you were taking care of your father, who has dementia. And now she finds herself his primary caregiver, living with him once more, now in an apartment in an assisted living with memory care facility.

Wooo. That's quite some adjustment for her to make. For over a year she's been waited on hand and foot, and had no caregiving to do. I'm sure she's glad to be back to "normal" as a couple, but is it possible that there is more to this than she bargained for?

If you look closely at the types of support included when you compare the NH and the ALF service specifications, what are the differences? She may be finding that the attitude of staff when she asks for help is different now, less "how high" and more "can't you manage that by yourself?" That would be correct, it enables her and encourages independence; but all the same it would take some getting used to.

All I can say is... I got my life back when I decided to go to counselling .. I learned stand up for myself & set healthy boundaries ... this meant ME changing, not them .. it also meant I was setting healthy boundaries with others (nice... ;)
I started dealing with my fears & slowly started getting stronger, but still with compassion. (my back history is mom being controlling & negative - high expectations of me - trying to control me - )
It was suggested to me by a friend in similar situation to NOT go over everyday -- it becomes expected... When mom went in to a seniors home, I had seen counselor enough that I was stronger & proud of how I was handling it all - even though ti was new to me (only child & dad dies years ago) I have my boundaries, I visit a couple times a week for anywhere from 1/2 hr to couple hrs & mom comes over every Sun. or other for dinner ( couple hrs.) I get her out every couple wks. for McDonalds, Drs., getting meds, bit of bumming around etc .. to get some fresh air b/c she doesn't get out unless i take her. I find she gets grumpy & bored ..I don't let her bring me down, I allow that to be HER negative energy. Getting outside freshens her mood up & lets me have some positive time with her.
I just allow her to be & don't take on the negativity anymore - counselling has been the best gift I gave to myself, my mom and everyone in my life ...
All the best to everyone here - here's to healthy boundaries !! ♥