Need a lifeline! Not sure how/whether I am contributing to the problem as well?

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Mom is 90 years old, moderate dementia. Has home care for all but the roughly 30 hours/week I am there. Is in reasonably good physical shape although wheelchair bound. I periodically go out of town for three days or so. She would never be happy about this, but would basically do OK behavior wise with the caregivers. Just got back yesterday from my last trip. Both this time and the last time - about 2 weeks ago - she would do fine the first day or so, then start getting angry, confused, tell the home helper to leave or she will call the cops. So of course the agency calls me and I am trying to talk her down from halfway across the country. The agency says no worries, I am stressing out, just go and have fun - they have it covered. But then I get the call. This last time I started my mom on prescribed Trazadone thinking that might help. Thought at first it was. Now not too sure. I am not sure how to proceed. We take a very light approach with doctor visits because those are upsetting so a gerontology eval is probably out of the question. I am becoming more disturbed by these changes. Was hoping the agency would be a good resource as they say they can handle care "to the end" and have lots of Alzheimers experience. Note that she has always been a controlling and difficult personality, so sometimes it is hard to sort out manipulation from the equation. But clearly dementia is at play. Not sure how/whether I am contributing to the problem as well. Any feedback is much appreciated as I really feel stuck for the next step. And I have another trip going in 9 days!

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Leftylucy4, that is a tough one, isn't it? You love him, you want him to be comfortable, but goodness! How can you function with a man attached at your hip?

Have you discussed this with the doctor who is following his dementia? Perhaps a medication may help relax his need.

Can you explain a little more about the going to bed at 5:00 pm? Does he have sleep issues, too?
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my husband won't leave me alone touchy feely can't stay up at night he has to be with me every moment of the day i can't go to bed at 5:00 pm every day HELP
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Update: Thanks to all of you for your responses. It is just a combination of things. Just literally this second got a call from Home Instead that her morning caregiver has called off sick. Meantime the overnight helper who my mom doesn't like has to stay longer now - after I promised my mom last night she would be gone at 7 a.m. today. This after a long hectic day yesterday when she had to be out of the house all day because her house was heat treated for bedbugs - according to the technician 99% certain they were brought in by a Home Instead caregiver. Meantime, when I called the doctor asking for a more immediate anxiety medication, the message came back via an assistant to try valerian root - that an antianxiety medication would impair her memory.

I feel like I am trying to do the "right" things, which sound really good on paper and in the self-help guides. But the reality seems to be a different story. You-know-what rolls downhill - and guess who is standing at the bottom of the hill.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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It is the dementia. Don't worry about whether she is manipulative as well. She has damage to her brain and it causes her to behave in irrational ways -- sometimes ways we would expect from a young child. She doesn't want you to go away. She is trying to prevent that, but her method is not that of a competent adult. She has dementia! Keep that firmly in mind as you deal with her.

You need to continue to go away. Experiment with what will make it less traumatic for your mother. Try not telling her in advance. Try calling twice a day from where you are. Try leaving some item of yours with her to "take care of" while you are gone. Try asking her doctor for suggestions. Medications can often be useful. I think trazadone is a sedating antidepressant. Is she taking any anti-anxiety meds?

Has she been generally more confused lately? More anxious and/or angry? Worse memory? Perhaps her dementia is progressing and the decline is showing up most strongly when you are away.

This is so hard on you both! I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can come up with some ways to make it less traumatic.
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Jon, I took Trazadone and it has some pretty bad side effects. The nightmares were horrible, vivid and cause sleep paralysis. The fear does not just go away during the day. I might get her a different medication.
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tornadojan, am I to understand that you only have the caregivers when you are going away on a trip, or are they with Mom all the time, even when you are in town?

If you call the Agency just for trips, then the caregivers never get a chance to know your Mom and your Mom to know them. Chances are each time you are away the caregivers are different persons.

My Dad [95] had caregivers from the Agency you mentioned, and they were outstanding as they were with Dad every day, thus they got to know him, and he became real comfortable with them. Now, I did have to go through a few caregivers before we found the right matches, and that is only normal. The two gals Dad had for over a year before he passed. He even brought them along with him when he moved to Independent Living, and then to Assisted Living/Memory Care.
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Thanks for the response. She just started the Trazodone for depression/sleep. She takes 50 mcg(?) Zoloft daily - maybe I will up that to 75 and see what happens. Had hoped the agency we use - initials HI - would be more helpful in this regard. Feel like I am hiring high-priced babysitters! Thanks again.
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A controlling person becomes MORE controlling with dementia. If my MIL knew we were going out of town, she would make herself ill the night before to disrupt our plans. She actually checked into the ER with a "stroke" in the wee hours, knowing we were going away at 10AM. So we got her on meds for anxiety and depression. We also kept out trips secret from then on.
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Thanks, pamstegma, for the quick answer. So you don't think dementia, fear, and/or confusion are part of this equation? I understand that the behavior is childlike - you are right on there. But am I supposed to allow for the fact that it would not necessarily occur - at least to this degree - if not for the dementia?
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Agencies and Ombudsman will both insist on a doctor's evaluation. So get it done or continue to be manipulated. What you have here is equivalent to a two year old throwing a fit when you walk out the door. Parenting in reverse, if you will. Call the MD.
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