I am 32 and am the sole caretaker for my grandma who is almost 90. She doesnt have health issues or need anything besides that she doesn't drive. I should feel blessed. She has anxiety and feels unloved and takes it out on me. I feel very withdrawn when she does this so our relationship continues to degrade. She tells me that she only wants to live for me and that I don't love her. It feels like an assault and I dont have a healthy response.
I feel like my best is never enough. I give her my time and try to get along but it'll never fill that hole in her heart. I have my own issues needing to be resolved, I have to learn to be okay to be alone basically unlearn this intergenerational s***. Yesterday a similar dialogue played out and instead of running away like I wanted I took her to home depot. She only wants to accomplish chores or things never relax or anything enjoyable. Am I just reinforcing her behavior to act out for attention? I can't talk to her like an adult she reverts to a child state (as do I) and says she's sorry she is alive. Just needed to vent. Don't tell me to leave her or that I shouldn't have to deal with this. It only makes me feel worse because I think it all the time and then feel guilty. One day the time will be right for me to responsibly choose my own life. I think it might be getting closer.
Try to have a bag of ready-made responses for things she normally says. For example, when she says that you don’t love her, say: “Of course I love you, Grandma! If I hated your guts I’d let you live with Mom.” I always say the same thing, and have it be a little cheeky, because then I feel like 1) I’m not taking things too seriously and just letting the needle roll off my back, and 2) I’m giving a part-truth.
”I’m sorry I’m still alive…” Response: “Don’t be sorry, Grandma! You can be sorry when you’re dead.”
I usually respond to everything with a smile and a lighthearted response, unless she’s genuinely trying to hurt my feeling, like the other day when she called me fat - man, I was pissed! But I didn’t let her see that. I just said that she was being hurtful and I wouldn’t sit with her if she was going to be mean. She came around after about 45 minutes and sweetly asked me to sit with her again, so I did and it was fine.
My smile is my armor. The more negative she gets, the bigger my smile gets. It takes a ton of energy, but I do find it deflects a lot of negativity when they see it doesn’t get a rise out of me. That’s not to say I don’t get burnout, too. Maybe you can drop her off at your parent’s house on Saturday morning and they can return her Saturday evening and you can get a much-needed break. That’s what we’re doing, and it’s working out very well. I wish it was the whole weekend, but my BIL is refusing to have to stay over because he can’t stand her.
Start the day by putting on happy music, music that makes you feel good and the smile will naturally come. Think about some cheeky responses to her Debbie Downer comments, and have those at the ready. And remember, it’s okay for you to take a “nap” in the afternoon. A time when she’s just been to the bathroom, had a meal, and you’re unavailable for an hour for your ‘nap’. Recharge those batteries and put your smile back on.
With my friend, I think as a child she needed more than her parents were able to give. She was an only child born to a mother almost 40 and a father over 40. They were closer in age to her friends grandparents than her friends parents. Her Dad was probably born in 1907 and my parents were born in the late 20s. She was definitely a surprise. I was surprised to find when she married, she did not know how to cook. Her Mom never allowed her in the kitchen.
It is very hard dealing with people like this. I backed off from my friend. As her health deteriorated, she became more needy. You would suggest things and she always had a reason why it couldn't be done. She expected too much out of others. When Gma says you don't love me, then you say "I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I show my love by doing for you and Uncle. If that is not enough, I have no idea what else I can do to show it anymore than I am. So please stop saying that." Look her in the eye and say it firmly.
You need to set boundries. What you are willing and not willing to do and when you are willing to do it. I get that you don't live with them. This is a good thing. Never move in with them. When they start depending on you more and more like they need more help with ADLs, they really should not be alone, its time to place them.
I don't feel a grandchild should be expected to give up their lives for grandparents,
I took my Mom out once a week. She went food shopping and ran her errands. We may do breakfast or lunch. I had her make a list, on a white board, of what she needed throughout the week. I was not going to be at her beck and call. Running out everyday to get her something she forgot. I lived locally, so I could pick up a perscription for her. I did take her to dr. appts. Your grandmother needs to realize you have a life of your own. If you want to sit home in your PJs all Saturday, that is your right.
Its OK when she gets started to just leave. The best thing to do with people like ur grandmother is to just ignore her because you probably aren't going to change her and nothing u do will make her happy. She probably has never been a happy person.
I am so sorry to hear that your life as a 32 year old is being dominated with guilt from your 90 year old grandmother.
It sounds like you have a great, heavy burden upon your young shoulders.
We care about you, on this forum.
I have a few assertive techniques to try with granny in regards to guilt and 'no one loves me' pity that granny (whether knowingly or unknowingly) puts on you.
Use 'I' talk.
When granny says things like you don't love me or no-one cares, etc.
- response could be "well, I love you", "well, I care"..
- in response to "no you don't", say, "I know how I feel and I love you", etc.
You can just repeat these phrases or similar ones.
By focussing back on you: she cannot really argue that she knows more than you do about how you feel.
Anyway, it is just an idea. I actually used to teach assertive training, many years ago. I even have a manual that I had Witten and published.
But, my dad used to say; "those who can - do..... and those who can't - teach".
So, take it as just one idea of dealing with granny while you decide to stay or go.
It is NOT failure to understand that you do not owe her your life and your soul. It is NOT wrong to admit that this is too much and that you need some help. You sound like a loving, caring granddaughter who has enough of her own problems.
God bless you; the best of luck; and welcome to the site.
-Bevel
I am hoping that you can tell us that you've been to university or other post-seondary education training and that you have a job. And friends.
If that's not the case, I will revise my answers.
If grandma suffers from anxiety and depression, those are treatable medical conditions. She should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. If she's already on meds, she needs to be seen again. The kind of irritability you describe is not healthy for either of you.
If grandma's unpleasant rants about how she doesn't love can't be countered by humor or distraction, then you might try saying"I'm going to leave you alone for a bit so you can feel a bit more like yourself". This should be stated simply, with compassion but not pity.
You can't make someone else happy and the only behavior you can control is your own.
As to your unresolved issues, are you in therapy?
Does your grandmother or great uncle have you (or anyone) assigned as their medical or financial PoA (Power of Attorney)?
Are you (or anyone) their Medical Representative?
Has either of them ever had a medical diagnosis of cognitive decline?
How old are they?
Without an assigned PoA, no one can legally manage their medical or financial affairs for them or make decisions on their behalf when they become cognitively or physically unable.
Without a Medical Representative (a HIPAA form that can be requested at their doctor's office) no one on their medical team (doc, nurse, etc) can talk to their MPoA or caregiver without their being present, or can give actionable information to the medical team without their being present.
Without having had a cognitive/memory test their caregiver will not really know what they're dealing with, since a UTI can mimic some of the symptoms of dementia in the elderly (and often no other physical signs) and the caregiver will not really know how to properly engage with them, since dementia comes on very gradually and is progressive.
Even if you one day choose to move on from this responsibility, your LOs will still need to have these legal protections in place. It doesn't have to be you as PoA, but FYI if they don't get this in place then eventually the county will probably need to pursue guardianship for them in order for "someone" to have legal authority to advocate on their behalf. Then their family is relieved of managing their medical and financial affairs but the county guardian will also make all other decisions and there'll be no input from family or transparency into what the guardian is doing. It happens all the time, that's why I'm telling you this now -- since you seem to indicate that grandmother mostly is lucid. However, you've provided some personality and behavior details that may mean she has the beginnings of dementia. Once she has a lot of cognitive decline she won't legally be able to assign a PoA. May you receive peace and hope.