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My mother in law just expects us to give up our retirement plans to take care of her in her home. We have a 29 year old mentally handicapped child at home. We are also active in our community. One brother and his wife are helping but she is not well. Am I being selfish for not wanting to do this? We had outside care for awhile but she wanted it discontinued because of the cost.

I agree with everyone. You have enough on your plate. And MIL should realize this. When she says something again, tell her you are really sorry but neither you or her son can care for her. Your responsibility is to ur daughter who needs you when she needs you. Your husband has a disability you and he deal with. She needs to find options. She cannot rely on you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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She is the one being selfish, not you. No one with any regard for you would ask you to do that.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Nope, your daughter and husband come first.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Nope, not selfish. You have enough to deal with.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Well, I think the obvious answer is no, you’re not being selfish. Even if your MH child is fairly self-sufficient, this is a lifetime commitment for you. I know. We have this in our own family and SIL currently lives with my other SIL.

Who is trying to guilt you into this? MIL or possibly hubby? Other family members who don’t want the job? I can say that in about 75% of the cases I’ve read about on this forum, it’s the daughter-in-law who winds up doing the caregiving.

kindly bit firmly explain to MIL (and hubby if necessary) that you will devote one day a week to help. Groceries, hair appointments, doctor appointments, etc should all be planned for this day. You will hire someone to care for the yard and come every other week to clean (paid for out of her own funds). If home repairs need done, you will hire someone for that as well. If she needs in-home health care, you may need to have a family meeting and decide if she can continue living in her own home. When you make this decision, present her with 2 options. Either she moves to a place that can offer her the care and help she needs, or you hire a caregiver to come into her home.

She can “expect” all she wants, but you are grown-up with lives and commitments of your own. She is no longer the Supreme Ruler over her son’s as she probably was when they were younger.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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No, you are not being selfish. You are being protective of yourself and your family. You are entitled to your own plans and don't have to ditch them because your mil has different plans for you.

What is your husbands stand on this? Your mentally handicapped child has to come ahead of your mil. A Down's syndrome child functioning at the age of 5 is a huge responsibility. I don't see that there is any way you can take on much else.

Does your mil have funds for a facility? Does she have health/mobility problems/dementia? Has she always been demanding?

Your profile says you are caring for your mother - is that in addition to your mil, or is that your mil? Sorry for all the questions but more information helps us to give better answers.

However, no matter the answers, no, you are not being selfish. ((((((hugs)))))
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Reply to golden23
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